Feeling depressed and hopeless

[Tazzer4000]

Hi All,

I haven't posted in a while because I've been dealing with my own depression. My daughter with BPD is doing well. She and her dad are starting to mend their relationship and the family counseling seems to be working.  My problem right now is me. I can't move past all the pain and despair. I feel trapped, like the only way out is to end it all. Unfortunately I failed at that as well. I took what should have been a lethal does of medication with a great deal of alcohol and still I'm here. I don't know how to get out of this dark pit. I have a therapist that I see but talking about it isn't working either.  There's too many things going on to write them here but together they are smothering me. I don't see any other way out. Now I'm rambling. Sorry. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh Tazzer
I am so sorry you are experiencing depression. It is just awful. Knowing it got so bad you tried to suicide breaks my heart. But I am really glad you reached out to us. We know how the pressure of having a loved one with BPD can lead to or make worse a depression. Please keep posting and letting us know how you feel. Share anything you want to share. This is a safe, nonjudgmental space. What are you doing for self care? Are you thinking about trying a different therapist? How can BPD family best support you? I am praying for you right now.
hugs
Faith

[FaithHopeLove]

P.S. I don't care if you ramble. Say (type) anything you want to. I am listening (reading)

[Swimmy55]

As FHL stated please share as you are able, you are not rambling.  We understand here.  The constant gnawing at the gut , the endless circular thoughts, worry, despair ...yep, we know.  Please keep writing to us here as it sounds like you are potentially in crisis.

[Skip]

There's too many things going on to write them here but together they are smothering me. I don't see any other way out. Now I'm rambling. Sorry. Thanks for listening.

I'm sure there is a lot, I've read you prior posts. What has happened this week?

[PeaceMom]

Tazzer,
You matter here in this space. I know how draining it is to share, but if you are up to it, please do. I’m joining Faith in praying for you right now.
Peacemom

[Tazzer4000]

Thank you for all the kind responses. I probably should not have posted but I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do or where to turn. About a week after my daughter went to DYS [juvenile detention], my mother (who also had BPD) passed away. I didn't think it would hurt me as much as it has since I had not spoken with her in 12 years. But she stayed true to herself by telling the rest of my family to NOT tell me when she died - which they actually attempted to do. I'm hurt, devastated really. I feel so isolated and alone. I feel like there is something inherently bad about me for my mother to treat me this way even in her death she is isolating me. Anyway, that's just one part but it's enough. Thanks again for replying it means alot.

[Harri]

Hi Tazzer.   

Why is it that when we need support the most we tend to withdraw?  I do the same thing but am trying not to.  It is still my go to move however... and then i stop myself and reach out.  I am glad you posted and yes, posting was the very best thing and the right thing to do.  No one has to be alone with all of these feelings and sorrow. 

I am sorry that even in her death your mother was incapable of demonstrating love.  That is on her though I know that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I feel so isolated and alone. I feel like there is something inherently bad about me for my mother to treat me this way even in her death she is isolating me. Anyway, that's just one part but it's enough. Thanks again for replying it means alot.

There is nothing inherently flawed about you.  The 'flaw' existed in your mother and it affected the way she could see you and treat you.  Again, that is on her.  You are worthy of so much more than what she gave you.  All of us here can see that Tazzer. 

Keep talking with us. 

[FaithHopeLove]

Harri is right. You totally did the right thing by posting and telling us what is going on. I can imagine how much your mother's death hurts you, particularly given the circumstances. We are here for you. Post all you like and say anything you want to. Let us be your safe place to land. We are listening.

[PeaceMom]

Tazzer,
Thank you for sharing this tragic sadness. I can imagine  how hard it is to put that in words. I was estranged from my father who was addicted to drugs my whole youth. I never got the dad I desperately needed and deserved. When he died, I had to grieve the loss of what could have been more than what was. It was a strange process for me that included a lot of self compassion for my younger self.
I’m thinking of you tonight.

Peacemom

[Tazzer4000]

Thank you so much for the prayers and kindness. I have been feeling so alone and ashamed trying to deal with this. It helps to have people listen and not judge. I feel like I'm rather off topic though and wasting everyone's time.  I just wanted everyone to know your kindness is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi again.

Talking about your feelings and what is going on with you in your life is not off topic at all.  This board is for you and you are more than the situation with your daughter and her disorder. 

Thanks for checking in again.

[FaithHopeLove]

You are not off topic and you are not wasting anyone's time. This is what we do. We support each other. You have supported others when they were going through a rough time. Now it is our time to support you. I have been praying for you all day and I will keep praying for you. You deserve to be loved.

[FaithHopeLove]

By the way, speaking of how important you are to us, may I ask if you are safe right now? Are you still thinking about hurting yourself?

[PeaceMom]

Tazzer,
 
You are on my mind right now. How are you today?
Peacemom

[Tazzer4000]

Hi all, yes, I'm ok and safe at the moment.  Trying to take care of myself by getting some extra sleep and get rid of this migraine.  It's a slow go but at this point, any small thing I do for me I'm going to consider progress. Thank you all for the time you've taken to respond to me and help me feel cared for and less alone.

[PeaceMom]

Tazzer,
I’m so glad you are resting. Our brains need rebound time. When you have a chance, a check-up with your doctor might be important. At my last physical, we discovered I was low in Magnesium and adding it has helped me feel less blue and my sleep has improved.

Please keep posting here, the fallout from having loved ones w/BPD affect us in many different ways, but I’ve not read one post on this site that I couldn’t relate to.
Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. Feel free to keep posting anything at all that might make you feel better. Venting is allowed.

[wendydarling]

Love and hugs to you Tazzer    I too am so glad you are here with us reaching out.  You are not alone.

WDx

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Sending you a hug 
Your pain is tremendous, and you can take all the space you need on this board. You are reaching out and you are getting extra sleep. Those are great accomplishments. We're all here, we're listening and surrounding you, walking with you.

[PeaceMom]

Hi Tazzer,
You are on my mind this morning. Did you rest yesterday? How are you?  Please post here if you feel like sharing or just need a big cyber hug.
Thinking of you here in Texas.
Peacemom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twocrazycats]

Hi Tazzer,
I'm really glad you posted. You are not alone. And you are not at all flawed for how you feel. Your mother's behavior toward you was flawed. I find it difficult to post when I'm feeling most desperate, so I think it was brave of you that you did.

I've been finding that my uBPD daughter's behaviors have been triggering memories of how my mother treated me. She died many years ago when I was in my twenties, but the very last thing she said to me was a lie. She said she was going on vacation with a lady friend. Instead, she was went out of the country with a young man the age of my younger brother. She died while away. My mother was 62 at the time. She evidently lied because she figured I wouldn't approve. But that's not how it's supposed to be. The parent is supposed to approve or disapprove of how their children act, not vice versa. She was never really a mother to us, and my BPD DD is bringing it all back. It has made me feel bad as both a daughter and a mother, and it has made me very depressed. But this is all to say that seeing your post helps me feel that I am not alone. So thank you for having the courage to share your struggles here.

Sending prayers and hoping that you are taking care of yourself.

[Tazzer4000]

Hi all. Again, all your kindness is much appreciated. There is so much going on adding to my stress and depression.  My husband is in his hate my job phase again. We've been married almost 24 years and I've seen this more than I care to admit and I'm not sure I can gi through this again. So here's the sequence: he starts hating his job, for whatever reason, then he becomes negative about everything and everyone in the house, then he starts cheating which makes him even more negative, and then he eventually quits his job (sometimes he has another lined up sometimes not). At this point the arguments will get heated and I will find out hes been cheating at which point he will make the same promises and excuses hes made before.  Now it's been 11 years since we've had this issue but it's not a pattern you forget. I'm just not sure I can handle it this time. I'm just too depressed and hopeless to handle his problem. I feel so very useless and trapped.

[PeaceMom]

Tazzer,
I’m so sorry. I know how scary and unsettling that feels when DH hates his work. Do you have a job you like? Do you have anyone you can share these feelings with face to face? Maybe a therapist, friend, relative or clergyman?
Please keep posting here. I love the quote “We are all walking each other home” as it gives me courage to share things that make me uncomfortable and that I would prefer to stuff deep down and avoid.
Peace

[Tazzer4000]

Yes. I se a therapist. No, I am on disability for several chronic health conditions. Recently spent 8 days in the hospital due to a severe asthma attack. Just too much stress. My BPD daughter is back to her manipulations and our visit Saturday didn't go great. She still is not getting that the rules apply to her. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's all very overwhelming.

[PeaceMom]

Tazzer,
How are you doing?

[Tazzer4000]

Hi everyone.  I'm not in a good place. My father was killed yesterday by a 90 year old driver who lost control of his car and hit my dad.i don't expect to be on much for a while. Thanks to everyone who has responded.

[PeaceMom]

Oh Tazzer,
I’m so very sorry about the unexpected loss of your father. How devastating. Thank you for letting us know you may be off the blog for awhile. I totally understand. I’ll be praying for you. Please come back. I’m sending you a huge hug.

Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

How horrible! I am so sorry. Please do take care of yourself.

[wendydarling]

Tazzer, I'm deeply sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family.

We are all holding you close at this most difficult of times.

WDx