I have been trying to keep everything calm

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello.  This is the first time that I am posting and I am not sure where to start.  I have a fiancé of 4 years that has diagnosed BPD and Bipolar.  He is self aware and understands what he does and how his mental illness works. I have been trying to keep everything calm and just other aspects of our lives are triggering outbursts almost on a regular basis and I am getting run down from it all.  My specific question or observation, I am not sure if this will make sense, is choosing to walk away and take time out for a few hours always makes him feel abandoned.  Even if I say I am coming back and at this time.  This always seems to make the situation worse, but I just need a break sometimes.  I also feel he needs quiet time without the kids as well to try and process his emotions.  

I am not sure this is much of an introduction or even a question.  I have been perusing the boards for a little bit and if I do not say anything now then I feel I will be a lurker forever.  I have just felt so lonely and beaten down mentally lately.

[Delight1]

Hello.  This is the first time that I am posting and I am not sure where to start.  I have a fiancé of 4 years that has diagnosed BPD and Bipolar.  He is self aware and understands what he does and how his mental illness works. I have been trying to keep everything calm and just other aspects of our lives are triggering outbursts almost on a regular basis and I am getting run down from it all.  My specific question or observation, I am not sure if this will make sense, is choosing to walk away and take time out for a few hours always makes him feel abandoned.  Even if I say I am coming back and at this time.  This always seems to make the situation worse, but I just need a break sometimes.  I also feel he needs quiet time without the kids as well to try and process his emotions.  

I am not sure this is much of an introduction or even a question.  I have been perusing the boards for a little bit and if I do not say anything now then I feel I will be a lurker forever.  I have just felt so lonely and beaten down mentally lately.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Delight and welcome! I'm glad you decided to step out of lurkerdom and join us!

I'm so sorry you're going through this but, as you'll see from looking around here, you're not alone.

To answer your question -- I'm afraid I don't really have an answer. My H is undiagnosed but I, too, struggle with what to do when there's an outburst. I've yet to find the solution to the "how do I do a time out without triggering him?" question. Sounds like you're already trying the methods that were recommended to me. Hopefully some others will jump in with suggestions.

Since he's aware of his situation and how it works, have you tried talking to him about this during a calm time and trying to come up with a solution together?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

Being aware of his triggers is good.  sometimes avoiding them is not possible or becomes enabling, as I am sure you know.

When you say taking a break makes things worse, what do you mean?  Can you describe what happens?

[Delight1]

Thank you for your replies!

When I mean taking a break I mean taking the kids with me and going to get something to eat or going over to my mom's house for a bit of a wind down.  Giving him space and quiet and giving me time away from the stress of being in the same house of someone who is frustrating.  When you get to the point of needing a break from it.  Does that make sense?

I have spoken with him about it when he is calm and he doesn't really seem to have any answers either.  He tells me it is a problem when I leave when he is angry.  I have also told him that I need a break sometimes, but of course that falls on deaf ears.  I love him to death and want to make this work. 

We are going through a more stressful time with regards to custody and his ex, which is why this is popping up more, but I am just trying to figure out how to make the rage episodes less frequent.