So confused after BPD mothers death

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 
My mother died a couple of months ago, she was 86 years old, and had BPD. And I’ve spent my whole life longing for her to die. She tortured me for 43 years. I’m not sad at all that she’s gone, I’m glad. I’m relieved. I’m thankful.
And yet... I find myself in the blackest depression I’ve ever experienced. I’m anxious, I’m crying all the time, I’m insecure with my wonderful husband, I feel like I have a huge ragged hole in my chest.
I do not understand what’s happening. Everyone says, this is grief. How can it possibly be grief, when I hated her, and I’m glad she’s finally gone? I loved my dad, but I didn’t go through anything when he died. I’ve lost both my siblings too, in fact my sister (who I’m certain was also BPD) died six months before my mother did. Again, no grief. So, how can this possibly be grief? I find it impossible to accept that it is.
But if it isn’t, what is happening to me? Is it possible that now she is gone, and I dont have to deal with her crazy on a daily basis, I’m now starting to process all the trauma of a lifetime? I feel like something has snapped inside me, I just want to know what and why.
I feel cheated - I always thought that once she was gone, I would finally be at peace, that I could be happy. Why aren’t I?

[Cariadai]

 
My mother died a couple of months ago, she was 86 years old, and had BPD. And I’ve spent my whole life longing for her to die. She tortured me for 43 years. I’m not sad at all that she’s gone, I’m glad. I’m relieved. I’m thankful.
And yet... I find myself in the blackest depression I’ve ever experienced. I’m anxious, I’m crying all the time, I’m insecure with my wonderful husband, I feel like I have a huge ragged hole in my chest.
I do not understand what’s happening. Everyone says, this is grief. How can it possibly be grief, when I hated her, and I’m glad she’s finally gone? I loved my dad, but I didn’t go through anything when he died. I’ve lost both my siblings too, in fact my sister (who I’m certain was also BPD) died six months before my mother did. Again, no grief. So, how can this possibly be grief? I find it impossible to accept that it is.
But if it isn’t, what is happening to me? Is it possible that now she is gone, and I dont have to deal with her crazy on a daily basis, I’m now starting to process all the trauma of a lifetime? I feel like something has snapped inside me, I just want to know what and why.
I feel cheated - I always thought that once she was gone, I would finally be at peace, that I could be happy. Why aren’t I?

[yamada]

Grief is about loss. Not just loss of life. I think that is something to talk about with your therapist because it is very acute at the moment.

[Notwendy]

Maybe you have finally given yourself permission to feel.

For many of us with abusive parents, the emotions were overwhelming. As part of coping, we learned to detach from them.

You, the adult you- can intellectually understand your mother's death. But the inner child who was terrified of her mother is less rational and more feeling. She's safe now. She can cry, she can be angry.

I don't think it's unusual to have mixed feelings. My BPD mother is still living and I was attached to my father. When he died, I felt the typical grief one feels for a loved parent. But I also felt an odd sense of relief. How confusing to feel that for a parent I missed so much. However, when he died, I was able to have boundaries with my mother without fearing his disapproval and the feeling of relief was due to that.

We feel what we feel- and don't judge yourself for that. I second the advice to work with a therapist to help you process what you are feeling.

[madeline7]

When my Dad passed away several years ago, I questioned my lack of outward grief to my T, wondering if there was something wrong with me. I loved him, and then  realized (intellectually at least) that I was too busy caretaking my BPDm's grief that I pushed my feelings aside. That pattern is what I realized I had always been conditioned to do. To put my Mom's needs ahead of everyone else, esp my own. My role what to serve my Mother. My Mom is elderly and widowed, and I imagine that I too, will feel a surge of emotions after she is gone. I have so much bottled up inside of me. The toxic effects of a BPD parent run deep. Take care. Sending hugs.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you about how confused you are feeling about the death of your mother with BPD. My elderly mother with BPD died a month ago. In my case, I believe I got to do most of the grieving ahead of time. My brother who was my mother's favorite child was abused by mom before he died and social services got involved. I have spent years in therapy grieving the sadness of my brother's death and just how badly mom could treat the person she loved the most in the world and the person she had groomed since childhood to be her caretaker. I know for years I was just so shut down, doing everything I could to ignore the painful reality of having a mother with BPD. The pain a parent with BPD inflicts is life long as it is one of the most basic human needs to have a loving parent, especially a mother, when we are small, and when we are grown up, we need the memory of that supportive loving mother to love ourselves, feel secure in our own skin, and to love others. I have found that I need many outlets to express all the overwhelming feelings that come from growing up with a mother with BPD. Daily meditation, therapy, posting on this site whenever I need to, and surrounding myself with caring loving people while limiting my contact with the wrong kind of people have helped me to feel better over time, and on a daily basis when the feelings come up about my mom. I don't think we ever quite recover from having this type of mother, yet we can do some intensive grieving and get to the point where the feelings are not so overwhelming most of the time. There will always be moments of true sadness and anger, as having a mother with BPD is a lifetime loss in so many ways. We are here to support you and listen. Do keep us updated on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Cariadai, 

Welcome to our family. Here is an extra hug for you right now. 

When my uBPDm died suddenly, I was thrown into a world of grief and pain that I couldn't have imagined. My dad died 3 years later, and it was quite different than when my uBPDm died. I don't miss my mom 99% of the time; I miss my dad a lot. The difference between the losses was quite astonishing to me. I knew my mom would finally find release from all the mental illness that held her in prison, but my siblings and I had been in prison with her too. Sometimes I felt as if she ripped part of my soul out from me and tried to take it to the grave with her. I finally had freedom from her physically, but she haunted my dreams, and I felt scared of talking about her even after she died. One time I asked my T if my uBPDm could hear me talk about her even now that she was dead. I knew factually she couldn't, but my inner Lil' Wools didn't know that and felt like she was still going to be angry with us and shame us like she did all the years while growing up.

As NotWendy said,

You, the adult you- can intellectually understand your mother's death. But the inner child who was terrified of her mother is less rational and more feeling. She's safe now. She can cry, she can be angry.

Do you know what one feeling is that your inner child might be feeling today?

I also highly recommend T to help you get through this bumpy spot. It is a solace to help you feel safe. Do you have a T you can see?

 
Wools