My First Post, I'm not an island

[White Feather]

Hi to everyone out there in the same boat, I have read and researched so much about this sad disorder, reading and research does help. But have realised I need an outlet where others understand exactly how draining it is living with someone with BPD. However empathetic you are and realizing that it is not the person's fault doesn't always help.Dad is in a major rage today,verbally abusive and completely illogical, I have tried every thing to calm the situation, and have disengaged to stop it escalating. He has had more frequent periods of deregulated moods the past few months (he's in his 70s not sure if age is making disorder worse), without much respite for me to gather my own thoughts and calm myself. I feel the classic "stuck" feeling today as I live with him and have no where else to go. He repeats the same rants literally 100s of with no factual basis and what I call "word soup" where words are disjointed and non sensical. His eyes can only be described as shark like when he has an episode and you can actually feel the cortisol pumping through his whole being it is awful. It's so sad because when he is not losing it, he has so many good qualities, classic Jekyll and Hyde. Just really need to vent off its not something I have ever done before. I guess I need to know that I'm actually not alone. I know by many years of watching this that he will eventually calm down, he almost becomes what I describe as empty/spaced out has a few hours sleep and then is depressed for a couple of days, his mood lifts until next trigger and episode. A cycle that is so predictable and doesn't really change. I'm just worn out with it today, I know it will pass but I guess I needed to acknowledge once and for all that this is affecting me I'm not as strong as I think I am and I'm not an island. Writing this down has already made me feel more grounded and less alone, but any suggestions from any of you who understand or any tips would be very much appreciated.

[Panda39]

Hi White Feather,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us.  You most definitely are not alone, everyone on this site has someone in their lives with BPD/BPD traits.  I'm here because my Partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife.

I'm sorry to hear your dad is being especially difficult today, that's a tough way to start the day.  Can you break away for a little while maybe just take a walk and clear your head?  Self-care is really important when you have someone with BPD in your life.

Has your dad been offically diagnosed or are you like me and the shoe just fits.  I'm curious do you think given his age that there might be some dementia in the mix?  Has he ever attempted Therapy?  Are you getting any Therapy?  Is it just the two of you in the house together?  Do you have any other family involved?  Sorry for the questions just trying to get a feel for your situation.

Again welcome, I hope you will continue to participate here, I have found the members here to be very supportive, and there is a lot of tools and information here too that if you are like me you will find helpful.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[White Feather]

Hi White Panda,
Thank you so much for your response such a relief to speak to someone who understands. Dad has had therapy in the past and it was suggested he had Psychopathic tendencies and an out of control temper, but he was also suicidal at the time of therapy. So this was what his therapist concentrated on.He fits 7 of the BPD diagnostic criteria very clearly and admits when he is lucid that he has serious"issues" as he calls them. He has difficulty communicating with others and subsequently has little or no contact with family, they fall short of his high and unattainable expectations, he pushes people constantly away. I live alone with him and I feel that it is my responsibility to try and make his life as calm as possible, I feel so very sad that his whole life has been blighted by this disorder, I always try and see the good in everyone. I have realised that I have tried to be a rescuer, which is stupid on my part and damaging to my health and well being. I have finally realized that I haven't got the inner resources to constantly be calm and watch carefully what I say.Avoiding anything that may trigger him. Sadly I am beginning to feel resentful and angry and stuck.The splitting that I am on the receiving end of is so unsettling I never know one minute to the next how I am perceived by him. He doesn't display any signs of dementia but has said recently that "this life isn't for him anymore" I feel he is tired of life and is more depressed than usual. My mother whom I have gone No Contact with 6 years ago was diagnosed as having NPD,  and with my Dad also having a Cluster B it is quite a lot to get my head round. I have in a way been lucky that I haven't got a Cluster B myself, but I have had anxiety and a period of depression many years ago. Crazily enough sometimes I wish I did have these things so I wouldn't be in the receiving end of these behaviours and notice the elephant in the room.I do have a wonderful daughter and friends but I do not really discuss this with them in depth, as I feel it is unfair and too complicated to explain to anyone that does not understand it. I would consider therapy as I know that I need to alter my dynamic to one that protects me and puts my needs at a higher level than they are. I am not as assertive as I should be and if a counselor could help me I would definitely go. That's my background White Panda, it sounds like you have been through it too !  I wish you continued success and happiness any tips or advice is very much appreciated.

[White Feather]

Sorry Panda 39 about wrong name, I'm a little tired today!

[ProudDad12]

Hi White Feather,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. You definitely are not alone.

I know it will pass but I guess I needed to acknowledge once and for all that this is affecting me I'm not as strong as I think I am and I'm not an island. Writing this down has already made me feel more grounded and less alone, but any suggestions from any of you who understand or any tips would be very much appreciated.

This part stood out to me. I'm by no means an expert here, and most of my time on this board has been spent asking for help, but I can relate to this. We all need to ask for help when we need it. In fact, I'm convinced that a big part of my uBPD mom's problem is that she thinks she is strong enough to handle the trauma of her childhood and life, refusing to get professional help. In her mind, she just dealt with it because she is an adult, not seeing what it has done to her.

Writing it down helps too. Helps in processing some of this mentally.

I am not as assertive as I should be and if a counselor could help me I would definitely go.

I think this would help on multiple levels. One of the most emotional and relieving moments of my life was in the first session with my therapist. After listening to me, and after seeing the text messages on my phone from my parents, he leaned in, looked me in the eyes, and firmly said "You are not crazy". I broke down.

Point being, the higher understanding of the situation offered by a counselor, and the better understanding of yourself, can help you to stand up for yourself. It's not immediate, but it helps. I can't believe the stands I've taken against my mom in the past couple years, and my wife has noted that their subsequent assaults on me don't take me to the ground like they used to.

[White Feather]

Hi Proud Dad Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot and has made me cry (in a good way) I do need help with all of this and I am not ashamed anymore admitting that I am struggling, a new perspective from today forward. I am always the "go to"  for people when they need advice, and I cannot believe the sound advice I can readily give, but for some reason I am unable to heed my own intuition and manage this myself. Your Therapist sounds absolutely amazing it must have been such a tremendous relief for you.to know that you can make a positive stand against your mum and protect your needs, is great and subsequently your family will benefit from your peace of mind. I am going to the Drs to see about therapy referral it may take a while, but at least the ball is rolling now. I do journal and it does help pretty quickly after loads of furious scribbling the resentment subsides. I was the scapegoat with my NPD mother and I know that is pretty much the reason for my lack of assertiveness, stems from childhood.Hopefully I will find a therapist as beneficial as yours fingers crossed. I wish you and your family happiness and peace.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome White Feather, 

I'm really glad you have joined our online family. Here you will find so many others who can relate and lend an empathetic ear. We truly do understand. My mom was uBPD.

It sounds like there is a lot of awakening going on within you right now. You have observed your dad's behavior for a long time. Was there something that suddenly made things worse, or opened your eyes to what was going on, something that caused you to say, "enough" when you saw his behavior? 

I have realized that I have tried to be a rescuer, which is stupid on my part and damaging to my health and well being. I have finally realized that I haven't got the inner resources to constantly be calm and watch carefully what I say.Avoiding anything that may trigger him. Sadly I am beginning to feel resentful and angry and stuck

I think it's very normal to feel stuck. I know that I often feel trapped, and that is a horrible feeling to experience. I have been a rescuer and caretaker as well, and it is important that we begin to see this, but don't be too hard on yourself. I learned to take care of my mom because as a young child I needed to survive. Those tools learned so long ago don't work so well for me now as an adult, and I am having to unlearn the unhealthy, and relearn what healthy responses are.

Being An Emotional Caretaker is an interesting thread that might be helpful. Do you feel as if you are a caretaker too?

 
Wools

[White Feather]

Hi Wools,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond it means a lot to me. There are so many of us out there with similar stories and I feel so relieved to finally admit that things must change. I have observed Dad and his behavior for a long time and I have always managed the situation, and restored some element of calm and peace, by doing pretty much what is recommended by BPD literature and it does work. As I know you know a person with BPD will rock the boat at whim for attention, and create the same "poor me, and terrible you" arguments. Which we can't really reply to as they have been churned out a million times and more often than not make no sense, and are frustrating. Dad normally has a five to six week break between bad episodes, but has had them pretty much every fortnight for the last 3 months. I have had no time to collect my thoughts and I think I just looked at him today, and I thought this is ridiculous. I matter, I cannot keep placating him at the expense of my own peace of mind. I guess I realised that although it's sad, his life is in his own hands and it is not for me to sort. I haven't read about Caretaker role, I will look at thread, thanks for recommending it. Just googled definition and if the upshot of it is that you would prefer to have the mental torment than watch someone else suffer. I would say that probably is the case also with me. I hate seeing anyone suffer but have got in a position where it's acceptable for me. It so needs addressing, but I know now that it can be, I can't change the situation. But I can change me and how I deal with this, going to take quite a bit of work. Once again thanks for your reply.

[Panda39]

I hate seeing anyone suffer...

Don't forget yourself here 

but have got in a position where it's acceptable for me.

I've done this too (was married to an alcoholic)...normalizing things that aren't normal or tolerating abuse because that's the norm.  It starts with something small and just grows...I used to think okay I can fix that, okay I can tolerate that, okay this is the worst it will get I can handle it and I just took it all...for way to long.

Sometimes it's just hard to recognize when something slips into abuse.  Someone here once shared with me the power and control wheel it was a helpful tool for me to define what abuse is.


You can find a bigger image if you google.

It so needs addressing, but I know now that it can be, I can't change the situation. But I can change me and how I deal with this, going to take quite a bit of work.

A big YES!   to the above! One of the biggest things I learned here was the only people we truly control is ourselves.  You can change what you do and that can have effects on you and it can also ripple out into the relationship with your dad.

Panda39

[White Feather]

Thank you so much for the Power and Control wheel diagram it has affirmed what I knew deep down, but did not want to face up to. Not all apply but many do. I have the same thought process as you had... I can tolerate this, got through that, could have been worse etc etc! Dad is emotionally abusive and controlling and I have negated it by saying " He can't help it, not his fault it's a disorder" these statements I know are true and I don't want to lose my empathy for him and his situation. But I know it's a matter of drawing a line and for me completely changing how I deal, and react with it all so that my health and happiness is my priority. I know I have pretty much got to re programme myself to do this.  I hope I can maintain a relationship with my Dad that is better, but if I can't I have accepted that  No Contact is something that may have to happen in the future. My mother was diagnosed with NPD and I found her behaviour to me worse than Dads uBPD. I feel that NPD is more calculating and insidious when they decide to target someone I found it beyond malicous. I think I have somehow balanced it in my mind that one has malicious intent and the other is based on fear and impulsivity. Which is logical I suppose when you are not in the receiving end!My perspective has got to change and no matter how long it takes it will. Thank you so much for your intuitive post  having it on  black and white was a much needed wake up call.I wish you all the best.