My mother suffers from BPD and things have taken a turn for the worse...

[OffspringofBpd98]

Hi, I’m a 20 soon to be 21 year old woman who attends college and still lives at home, with her mother (or more so she kinda lives with me, it’s complicated). Anyways, I guess I’ll start by saying from early on in my teens my mothers BPD made our relationship extremely difficult, it was difficult to communicate with her, not have my words taken out of context and not go on vacations to see my father (who lived/ lives abroad) without induced guilt by my mother of being gone for weeks (typically 2). When I was younger her physical harm was mere threat on most cases. She would threaten to beat the crap out of me if I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat, she would threaten to cause me mental harm and “ruin me”, when I wouldn’t tell her how much money my father had given me after visits or for gifts on my birthday. Things slowly escalated through the years, to to throwing me into mirrors, and wailing on me with her fists. As I got older I would try to leave the situation, walk away, just to have her follow me into rooms and continue. Then there was what seemed like a bit of a break, she had gotten on meds and things seemed to be getting a bit better. That is until, she stopped taking them regularly, they stopped really working and she refused to tell her doctors or to start sessions back up with a therapist and psychiatrist. About a week ago, we had an argument, my boyfriend had bought me an Xbox a light hobby of his and something he wanted me to try to get into, with him and his friends. He bought me a plethora of games and one happened to be gta. My mother lost it continued to show me videos online of people playing the game in fist person and shooting whoever. She kept saying I was condoning game players actions etc. I tried to calmly take to her and explain what my interest in the game was, and it wasn’t first person killing everyone in sight. She wanted to kick me out of the living room (she has a tv in her room, I am going to get one of my own, yet she is  against that because I should be spending time with her all the time even though she sleeps all day) anyways I said “ No, this is the common area” (I wasn’t even playing video games when this argument started.) I turned around and started to walk away when I heard her get up I turned around and she pushed/ slammed me into the bathroom door. I know I’m an adult and I know some think I should fight back but I don’t want to hurt her, I can’t hurt her. She pulled my hair, hit me in the face repeatedly and then pinned me back against the wall and dug her nails into my arm of which I had an open wound.She then stated “Don’t PLEASE READ with me, I can PLEASE READ you up mentally, you think physical is bad, physical heals”. I’m using this sight as a method to vent, but also for advice. I’m torn between feeling guilt and being so distraught and hurt.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

I’m torn between feeling guilt and being so distraught and hurt.

Why the guilt?

I am concerned about the physical attacks and violence in addition to the threats.  Are you safe right now?  Is there anyway you can live elsewhere?  Do you have a safe place you can go to when she gets like this?

We talk a lot about self care and safety here.  Given the threats of violence and actual violence I want to share our Safety First info with you.  It is important that you have a safety plan in place should things escalate again and you wish to leave.  Knowing what your options are will go a long way in terms of keeping you safe.

What you describe is Domestic Violence and there is help you can get that can keep you safe.   Have you tried reaching out to a counselor at your college?  Would you consider doing so?

I hope to hear from you again.

[OffspringofBpd98]

I feel guilt as though some of this is my fault. Like there’s more I could do to make the situation easier. Im on summer vacation right now but I’ve looked into therapy that’s  offered at  my college campus. I’ve started to slowly come clean to my dad over the last couple days, and he’s infuriated. I’ve also been a lot more open with my boyfriend. He’s made it clear that I’m more than welcome at his place and that if something happens again, I can even move in with him (he lives with his parents) but based on what they know about the situation they are on board. As far as my mother goes we haven’t really  talked, but it’s allowed me to avoid arguing with her so it’s made things a bit easier. I’m still taking one day at a time, and will keep options that were sent to me open. Thank you for replying to my comment. Also thank you for being a part of a space like this online.

[Notwendy]

I understand that you feel guilty- but I want you to know you have nothing to feel guilty about.

When I was your age, my mother had blamed me for the issues between us and I felt guilty too.

I am now a mother of kids around your age, and I know now that- no emotionally healthy mother would treat her kids like my mother treats me and how your mother treats you.

Do kids your age do some things that irritate parents? Of course. We parents probably irritate our kids sometimes. However, emotionally healthy parents do not abuse their kids: emotionally, verbally, or physically. I hope you know you should not feel guilty for any of this. You did not cause this.

If you were a child, this would be child abuse. Since you are an adult, this is domestic violence. It is good that you have access to counseling at your college. The chances of your mother doing this again are high. Please have an emergency plan. You are correct to not hurt her back- she could even press charges on you if you did. A plan would involve removing yourself from her presence immediately if she threatened or hurt you.

[pursuingJoy]

I have kids your age too and it hurts me to hear how she is treating you. I want to echo Notwendy: nothing you have done could ever merit emotional or physical abuse. It's concerning that she threatens and talks about what she is capable of as she is hitting you. Keep talking to your dad and boyfriend. Abuse can make you feel like you are the responsible, guilty or crazy one. Talking to others is a powerful tool you can use to make you feel upright. You're doing right to share what's going on with others. Counseling and getting some physical space from her will help you too.

Keep talking! 

[Harri]

Hi Offspring.  I don't want to nag you but I am going to do it anyway.  

How are you doing?  If you can, stop by and let us know how you are.  We care.