My wife of 29 years - Gone 9 weeks as of today

[gadget]

Hi again all.

Today it is 9 weeks she has been gone and I'm having a tough day today.  My kids and family are coming over for my birthday tomorrow and she won't be there.  I want to feel better.  I want the sadness to lessen.  I've been fairly good most days.  Just hitting me hard today.  I do have therapy tonight which will help.

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[Red5]

Good Morning gadget

Today it is 9 weeks she has been gone and I'm having a tough day today. 

Eight Months for me : (

My kids and family are coming over for my birthday tomorrow and she won't be there. 

Having dinner with my S29, and S32(autistic) tonight, downtown at the sports bar  

I want to feel better.

 
… time, its going to take time… and at age 53, time is waning… I was ok for while, then I seemed to loose altitude : (

I want the sadness to lessen. 

I do too… sadness is more and more become an "old friend" to me…

I've been fairly good most days. 

Me too… as I said,'time'… best to keep busy, and occupied.

Just hitting me hard today. 

Yeah, its been a ok stretch, and I saw her Saturday, we actually had a good time (visit)… then when I got back home, she texted me… and then called me… and it all came crashing down : (

I do have therapy tonight which will help.

*Thursday at 3:00… an opportunity to try an off-load some of this "fog"...

Hang in there gadget… and Happy Birthday !

Kind Regards, Red5

[JerichoJax]

Very sorry for you Gadget I understand how you feel. 

My ex-husband now walked away in January and moved quickly to get a divorce with little explanation.  This was the second time the first being in 2012 and that lasted for 15 months.  This time feeling pretty sure it is permanent however everyone tells me probably not.

I knew something was wrong however had no clue about BPD until my therapist let me know what she thought.  He had been acting off for months and I kept asking if everything was ok and I even asked him once if he was thinking about a divorce.  He always blamed it on his career not going the way he wanted it to. 

We had been communicating however I had to take a break to heal some and asked me to leave me alone for a bit.  He was creating drama and blamed me saying he couldn't focus on his career and deal with drama from his ex he deeply cared about.

I know his life is in a total mess as I get the collection calls on his credit cards which had small balances compared to the debt I took from the divorce.  He spends time regularly on a hookup app.  He is regularly out at bars that how the drama happened he saw me out on a couple of dates and got very jealous. 

If anything was what someone without BPD expected we wouldn't be here to support each other.  It is a tough place you are in.  I have been taking this time to research and understand BPD, work on myself, deal with the PTSD that resulted from the relationships sudden ending and so forth.  There will be days that are good and bad.  The bad ones find people you can talk to as sometimes you can't wait to talk to your therapist, find things to keep yourself busy, look at you diet and health.  I found through online research that some vitamins and supplements help and they do help to relax the anxiety.

The other thing I have noticed is I have some kind of spiritual tie to my ex though I don't know if it is real or my subconscious.  I find myself hoping it is my subconscious because if I am connected to him he is worse off than I know.

Stay strong!

[gadget]

Hi and thanks for the replies Red5 and JericoJax!

Red5 - Sorry about the 8 months.  Make my 9 week seem trivial.  Awesome you are having dinner with family.  My therapist tonight kind of said the same thing to me.  I have to look at what I have.  Family will be all around me tomorrow, only one missing.  My therapist said after this birthday, think of what you want to do with your life in the next year?  What new accomplishments could I tackle?  I get this will take time regardless of the outcome.  And overall I'm much better today than I was 4 weeks ago.  And it is still ok to have sad times, be mad, be confused.  I'm about to turn 51, so I'm catching up on ya! 

I do embrace sadness a bit more,  and I will have it here and there.  I just don't want it to dominate my life.  I for sure do better when I'm busy and occupied.  I did some Tai-Chi last night, will take some Yoga classes, I'm attending college online, I teach Karate with my daughter.  I do have plenty of distractions.  It can turn on a dime for me too.  Though I only ever gets texts or see her in person, but I know what you mean.  Thanks for the Birthday wishes!  I will focus on me!

JerichoJax - Thanks for your kind words.  I'm also sorry for your situation.  I do believe it is BPD in my wife, but I don't want to actually say that to the therapist.  I did read Stop Walking on Eggshells and saw my wife in pretty much every page.  We both see the same therapist.  My wife had told my daughter previously she didn't want a divorce.  So I'm not sure where that will lead.  My first post - first post - My wife of 29 years left - suspected BPD - explains my situation.

We haven't said we are dating others yet, just separated (not legally yet), but she tells me so little, she could be see other men. I'll probably never know.  I'm glad we have this place to share our experiences.  I appreciate it immensely.  I am focusing on myself now and my health.  I will check into vitamins, thanks for that tip.  I hope your situation gets better.

I will stay strong, you too!  Thanks for your kind words and support.

[GaGrl]

I just want to caution you -- both Gadget and Red5-- from going to that place of "oh, I'm middle aged/ in my fifties, no one will be interested in me, my life is almost over."

 Snap out of that.

When my DH and I reconnected, he was 55 and I was 52. His marriage to the ex -- uBPD/BPD -- lasted 33 years, the final 14 years separated.

Life now in our sixties is so rich, so meaningful...you have much ahead of you. Do not limit your life or your thinking.

[gadget]

Thanks GaGrl!

I dont feel like that so much.  I just dont want to start over at 50 and being married for 29 years.  I'm sure I could.  Just hope my wife will eventually come back.  If not, I'm sure I can move on.

[gadget]

I tried some mirroring today with my wife based on what Lotusblossom1 had mentioned to me.  Wish me luck.  It went like this:

My oldest son hasn't been responding to her.  She said "He won't respond to me so I am sure he is angry with me".  I said "He didn't say he was angry with you.  He probably is just busy".  She said "He is really upset with me.  Wonderful.  I'm at work crying".  I said "I'm sorry.  I know the kids are having a very hard time with you leaving".   She said "They are adults, I am so upset".  I said "I know.  I'm sorry.  But how they feel is based on you deciding to leave.

She said "I hear you loud and clear.  And our daughter won't respond to my text either.  Wonderful".  I said "Our daughter will respond.  I promise.  She is probably taking care of her baby or napping".  She said "I'm just done".

[lotusblossom1]

There you go!

you phrased it beautifully. great job. it was gentle enough and got your point across. i think that is a win! be proud of yourself! now just do that for every time she brings up anything like this forever and you'll be all set! ;)

also this is a great reminder that all of this is all about them. it's not about you. i know i've said that before, but this is a great example. they need to learn that all these things that are happening (kids not responding, other friends not talking to them, etc.) is allllll a result of their decisions. not yours. this is their problem, and of course it effects you, but you didn't make her leave. she decided to.

stay strong man. continued good luck to you!

[gadget]

Thanks Lotus!

It felt good.  Felt like a win.  For the first time in a long time I wasn't worried if/when she would text me next because was having a hard time with my oldest son who is very angry with her.  I could kind of focus on me more than I have been able to in awhile.  It was hard for me to say that the first time.  But I do throw in a bit of sympathy with it and say "I'm sorry".  I won't go on and on about being sorry.  Just two words.  

It gets a little easier each day.  It's funny.  Because my son is mad and doesn't want to talk with her.  She's much more chatty with me on the texts today.

Thanks!

[lotusblossom1]

great!

people have said stuff like that to me too - 'focus on yourself' but it's been so hard to think of anything besides this. i've always felt like no matter how PLEASE READty stuff got i always had her. she was my safe place. and then that all went away. i think it will get better over time. it has for me.

i had a situation this weekend where both my kids were out of town with her. my son told me she cried the whole way home. at first i felt very bad and thought about things i could do to make her feel better. i thought about texting her that i love her, i still think she's attractive, etc. but then i read some things on here, and they all said 'don't try to rescue her'. i thought about that, and decided not tot text anything. of course it feels good to have her texting you and have a conversation like you used to do, but honestly, she hasn't chosen you. she chose herself. don't try to save her from the loneliness that she has brought on herself. don't rescue her and be aware that she wants to text too, because she has many fewer people in her life than she used to - and it was her own decision! not yours! not the kids!

i'm sounding like a broken record, but i believe it. don't feel like you can save her or get her back right now. i don't mean that she'll never come back to you ever, but she's 'trying on' someone else and if you want to see her on the other side of this, let her go all the way into this someone else. then she can really see what she has chosen. and then maybe she'll look around and not like what she's done.
i know this sounds harsh, but it's what she needs, and you should let her have it. there are consequences to her actions. let her feel those consequences.

keep strong man. you can do this! 

[Dave89]

Hi guys,

I feel very similar to you, lotusblossom. You guys are much more experienced... 30 and 15 years of marriage and children. I have just 8 years and no children. And been never cheated. And I won’t start talking about her negative side, it would take a book, but she met practically all 9 symptoms of BPD. So my life has been hell from day 1, just that first six years I really believed I am the devil. She was able to convince me.

I’m still young, after few days will be 30, but I am scared of myself, why did I let her to treat me so bad and so long... I call her my ‘only love of my life’ (she was almost 19 and, I was 22 when we married). But I feel I cannot go on and just take her back anytime soon... For the first time in my life I have to look into my own pain, right in the eyes, I was living like you said, everything was about her.. I lost myself, and lost for what? To be an object of anger. Sadly the reality hits so hard, that when I read other stories, especially those ones from “learn after failed relationships” I see myself into these crazy situations after few more years, that I don’t even have a words to describe... We need to stand up for ourselves, as hard as that might be. And what has been in past, has been. Just to focus on today. We can get out of this self-pity and this addiction and obsession. It’s hard as hell. But it is so much worth it. We will feel beter eventually, even if that takes weeks or months, perhaps even years. I was always on eggshells, trying to please my wife, but there was nothing that helped her. With my pleasing her I never let her face the true consequences of her actions. And still she blamed me for everything. She knew I would always rescue her after she made unwise decisions while she was living separated and after she told all of our friends how terrible I was. And she never grew up. I was protecting her to no benefit at all, it only made things worse. Things have to change. Otherwise I will go down to hell completely following her ilness.

[gadget]

Hi Lotus & Dave89!

Lotus - Time is helping for sure.  So did my mirroring.  Made me feel better and not worry as much about what she is doing.  I know she is feeling the consequences of her decision.  I've wanted to do the same.  Text my wife that I still love her and think she is beautiful.  But I know there would be no response, so I do not.  I know she has chosen herself and I no longer try to rescue her.  It's hard to step back and just let things be like that.  I know now is no time to think of us.  Maybe one day.  I know this will take a long time.  The therapist said the same thing as you did.  She will have to see herself/her new life as an Outsider looking in and she may not like it.  I am strong!    Thanks as always for the support!

Dave89 - My wife exhibits many of the 9 symptoms.   I was married young too.  My wife was 19 and I was 21.  Many things have helped me to deal with situation that I have no control over.  I can only control how I react to it.  I use a Panda Planner, I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Trauma Stewardship, friends & family & coworkers to talk to, and this forum all helps.  I still have my sad moments.   But I know at this moment, nothing I can say or do will change her mindset.  So we both attend therapy still.  I'm hoping that, and time, and mirroring back to her that all the sad/negative things happening in her life now is because she chose to leave, will help in the end.  We shall see.  As Lotus said:  "Stay Strong".  You can do this too!  We all can.

[lotusblossom1]

hi guys -

more similarities - she was 23 and i was 27. kinda forced into it because we were moving across the country. and my wife told all of our friends how terrible i am, and have been ignoring her and her needs for years. its all false. was it great? no. we have kids and life is hard to do when two kids under 6.

we can do it guys