Gas lighting and deflection

[VaticanCameos]

Hello all, I'm trying to glean as much insight and wisdom as possible. You'll probably see me a lot in the near future.
Anyway, does anyone else deal with a loved one who reacts, when confronted, with gas lighting or deflection?
Husband will have a weird irrational outburst and I'll ask for him to stop screaming, swearing, or find another perspective. That often turns in to some form of gas-lighting by him responding, "I didn't yell. I didn't swear. You need to calm down. What is wrong with you?"
He also deflects a lot, when confronted, like "What about when YOU..." or "Why aren't YOU doing..." or "YOU need to figure out..."
Is this typical for you when you're dealing with your loved one with BPD?

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[once removed]

hi VaticanCameos,

You'll probably see me a lot in the near future.

i hope so. experts will tell you that a strong support system is really critical in these relationships.

Is this typical for you when you're dealing with your loved one with BPD?

it sounds like a lot of what you are describing is deflection and circular arguments. a lot of us have certainly been there.

Husband will have a weird irrational outburst and I'll ask for him to stop screaming, swearing, or find another perspective.

tell us more about the outbursts. how do you respond when he deflects?

[VaticanCameos]

Hi
When he deflects, I try to redirect back to him. Not in a circular argument type of way, but in a "let's focus on the original issue" type of way.
I'm just at such a loss as to how to deal with this. I know a lot of times I should just retreat and let it fizzle out. But, when I do that I feel like I'm losing self-respect by not standing up for myself or not taking charge to get the issue resolved.

I want to set a good example for my daughter too. I want to show her how to love someone when they are hard as hell to love. I feel like I'm failing miserably.

But, on the bright side I've found this place and know that his disordered behavior isn't MY fault. That is a huge relief.

[once removed]

When he deflects, I try to redirect back to him. Not in a circular argument type of way, but in a "let's focus on the original issue" type of way.
...
I feel like I'm losing self-respect by not standing up for myself or not taking charge to get the issue resolved.

oh sure. ive been there. it was incredibly maddening how my ex could go from issue to issue, and lose track of the point. the two of us could go for hours on end.

i think, as youre finding out, that driving our points home repeatedly does, in effect, fuel a circular argument. it just keeps us spinning. its like they say, you can lead a horse to water, but...

we have a great resource here on stopping circular arguments: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

I know a lot of times I should just retreat and let it fizzle out

its a tricky balance to find, between retreating and confronting. sometimes, the conversation has broken down to the point that its no longer constructive. one of the healthiest examples you can set both for your daughter and the relationship in general, is to know when the conversation has reached that point and responding accordingly. sometimes it might mean a healthy time out and some space, sometimes it might mean just tabling the subject, changing it, and coming back to it when everybody is at baseline. in any event, it means knowing your limitations, and his (he likely loses his cool more easily/quickly).

what do you think?

how long have the two of you been married? has this always been an issue?

[VaticanCameos]

Thank you for your input.
I really need to discern better when to table something and come back to it when he's more stable. I think why I don't do that more often, is I feel like I'm enabling the behavior if I back down.
It seems there's a fine line between enabling and retreating until later.

We've been married 19 years and it HAS always been an issue, I just didn't know what the issue was until recently. It's gotten severe lately and more frequent. When I look back over the 19 years, TONS of incidents come flooding back that were BPD. It makes sense now.
I just know I'm tired of trying to manage and deal with every interaction and muster up the intestinal fortitude to not crumple into a heap of sadness.

[once removed]

can you give us an example of how it plays out (the more recent the better)? how it starts, some of the back and forth between you?

we can help walk you through it.