Loneliness Part 2

[Zabava]

*mod note: this thread was split from a previous discussion found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338377.0#lastPost

Thanks Harri,

You're right about negative labels.  I am trying to stop the negative self talk but it's hard, as everyone here knows.  At the worst of my depression I went through a phase of contacting friends from the past, I'm not really sure why.  I ended up getting from really wonderful support from one person in particular who had experienced similar mental health problems.  I'm mortified to admit that I developed an obsessive infatuation for this person.  It was not reciprocated and to their credit, my friend urged me to talk to my husband and get a therapist asap to deal withe depression, which I did eventually.

It's been a year since I've had contact, but lately, I have moments of panic and sadness where I have to fight the urge to send a text or email.  I just miss the feeling of being seen and heard as a person sometimes, which I guess I'm not getting in my life right now.

This is so embarassing to talk about

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

Shame is a powerful negative emotion that can really bring you down. Fortunately you have our online community to lift you up and raise your spirits  

I just miss the feeling of being seen and heard as a person sometimes, which I guess I'm not getting in my life right now.

I think what you say and observe here, is crucial and probably does say a lot about your relationship with your husband and how he treats you (and your kids).

When you think of your relationship with your husband, how would you like to move forward with it?

Can you think of anything you can do for yourself to give yourself the feeling of being valued?

The Board Parrot

[Zabava]

Kwamina,

Yes you are right I don't feel valued in my marriage especially.   I felt intensely guilty about having feelings for someone else, but at the same time the experience of being treated as an equal and an intelligent person was very gratifying.  It made me realize how much of my power I gave up over the years of being a wife and mother.

The whole experience also made me confront how much of my past I had buried in order to feel acceptable to my husband and his family.  I went through a few months where I considered leaving but ultimately I feel it would be too hard on my kids.

I'm trying to work on myself and ignore the bad stuff for now.  I honestly feel like a burden sometimes because I am depressed.  I don't know how to feel valued at the moment.

[Kwamina]

I felt intensely guilty about having feelings for someone else, but at the same time the experience of being treated as an equal and an intelligent person was very gratifying.  It made me realize how much of my power I gave up over the years of being a wife and mother.

Since you are married, I can understand why you would struggle with having these feelings for someone else than your husband. It is clear though that this experience did highlight an important aspect of your marriage and the way your husband treats you. Have you ever truly felt valued and/or respected in your relationship and marriage with your husband?

I'm trying to work on myself and ignore the bad stuff for now.

When you say you are trying to ignore the bad stuff for now, are you talking about your husband's behaviors? Or are you (also) talking about something else?

[Zabava]

Thanks for not judging me Kwamina.  Even though the feelings were all in my head and never acted on it was wrong.

The best way to describe my husband's behaviours are that he feels he is very critical and sarcastic when he feels me or the kids have done something incorrectly or failed to do something he feels we should.   He's told me that he is only trying to correct our behaviour so that we do it right the next time.  The assumption is that he decides what is right and important.  He feels that there is a proper way to do everything from spreading butter to doing laundry.  It may sound petty but it is demoralizing to be constantly corrected for little things.

It's the delivery too.  A typical example:  My son left the basement light on yesterday so my husband walks in from work and "Jesus Christ, why I am the only one who ever turns the f---ing lights off?"  "Who thinks it's agood idea to leave the door open with the  A/C on"  to me, "Is there dinner ready for me?" and on and on.

In a more serious vein, he swears at my son and name calls when he feels dispected.

[Kwamina]

Your husband's constant criticizing of you and your kids, sounds like a classic example of fault-finding. No matter what you do and no matter how you do it, he would still find a way to criticize you.

He seems to be demanding 'perfection' from you, while also wanting to be the one who defines what perfect is. Problem is though that 'perfection' is unattainable and also highly subjective. This is what Pete Walker says about perfectionism:
"My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved."

Did your husband behave like this from the very start of your relationship?

Why do you think it is that he behaves this way?

[Zabava]

It got way worse when we had kids and I quit my job to stay home.  I think he's like this because of his dad who is a very controlling and critical person.  He won't talk about his childhood much but I've seen how badly hid dad treats my mother in law for 30 years now.  He is rude, belligerent and demands that she do all the cooking, cleaning and emotional labour.  She always worked and actually made more money than him, but she is still subservient.

I feel bad for him because I know he judges himself very harshly too and he is a very good father most of the time.

I'm just exhausted and done with it and I need to heal myself. 

[Kwamina]

It sounds like your husband had some not so pleasant behavior modelled to him. Still, he's an adult with a mind of his own and responsible for the choices he makes now.

How is your relationship with your inlaws? How do they treat you?

[Zabava]

At first not so well, at least as far as his father is concerned.  He told my husband I "had problems" because I was raised in an Irish Canadian family and I wouldn't understand where he was "coming from" as a Ukrainian Canadian.

He told me numerous times that he thought all Irish people are drunks who beat their kids...so yeah.  

His mum was very kind mostly, but she is very intrusive and expects that my husband will always do what she wants.  My husband went on a yearly week long vacation with his parents without me and our for years.  He actually went on a trip with his parents the year my daughter dropped out of middle school and was admitted to a psychiatric treatment program.

He has chosen to leave me and our kids alone for several Christmas dinners because he couldn't say no to his mum.  We have only gone on vacation without his parents twice in 30 years.

[Zabava]

Sorry to continue this rant but I could really use some problem solving advice.  Today was another day where my husband came home and started complaining about everything.  Dinner was not ready when he got home, he didn't like the pasta sauce I used, he thought I was wasting food by making too much spaghetti...for context he was very angry...my daughter asked  "why are you  yelling?"  My daughter had a friend over so I didn't confront him, but I felt really annoyed.  It was a very stressful day for a variety of reasons and I just didn't feel like putting up a fight.  I made a new dinner and chatted with my daughter's guest all the while seething.

I used to make dinner earlier but he arrives home anywhere from 6 to 7.  He complained that his dinner was never fresh, so I started waiting till he got home to make it.   How pathetic is that?   I"ve noticed my daughters starting to scurry around fixing things before he gets home to avoid censure and it worries me.  My youngest has given up trying to please him and his happier when he's not home.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

I see your husband was at it again...…

How are you now?

You are looking for some problem solving advice. One thing I can say is that the tools and resources on this site, not only are of great value when dealing with personality disordered people, they are of great value when dealing with people in general.

I joined this site because of some PD family-members, but I actually also apply the tools a lot in other areas such as work. You joined this site because of your BPD mom, but the tools and resources can also help you better deal with your husband who is exhibiting not just difficult, but also abusive behavior.

I believe that tools such as boundaries, validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. can be very helpful to you when dealing with your husband. Change won't happen overnight, but by focusing on these tools and changing your 50% of the relationship, you will be able to influence the entire relationship dynamics.

How do you feel about applying some of the tools from this website to your relationship and interactions with your husband?

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Zabava, 

 Hugs   to you dear one! I don't think the Board Parrot will mind if I join in the conversation here, especially since he knows my story too. Seems as if there are similarities with our moms (mine was uBPD) and my DH (dear husband) and yours. I came here to this site because of my uBPDm, and then I started to work on that healing journey. Along the way, I may have learned a thing or two to help me in dealing with DH. Kwamina is a great T bird, btw! 

I can completely understand the feelings of depression and hurt you are going through in your marriage, and even the pull of a relationship that shows you there is something different out there. No judgement here from us for we understand how strong the pull is, both to something healthier, but also the pull to stay in dysfunction. Our souls are in a tug of war to find rest and peace, a place where there is no more conflict and trouble. We long for it because it is a cry within us. Here is the good news: you are hearing that cry within you and you are seeking to answer it with love and care. Those are gifts that you can learn to give yourself. I am working on those very things, and we are glad to walk alongside you as you discover that you are very worth loving and being cared for. If not by those closest to you, then please know that you can give yourself this gift of love and care.

Can you think of one small gift of kindness (maybe time, a cup of coffee in quietness, a moment to read a book, a walk in the park) that you will give yourself this day?

 
Woolsie

[Zabava]

Woolsie,

I have held your words in my heart since I read them.  Thank you for your kindness and understanding.  I feel like you understand and I thank you for not judging, even though I probably deserve it.  I got through the day thinking about self compassion and I bought myself a fancy sandwich for lunch

Thank you for saying I am worth loving and being cared for.  I think I haven't ever really believed that.  I feel that it would change my life profoundly if I could.