Waking up to the pattern of abuse

[Zamira]

Hi.

Posting here feels a bit like calling out into the ether... but I hope someone is listening and might be willing to reply to questions that many others have no doubt asked on a forum like this one.

Where to even begin?

I love my father.  I love the man dearly.  He has always been a faultless provider to us...  always made sure we had a roof over our heads and enough to eat and good schools to go to, even helped my brother and me through college.  He's involved in our lives and does "dad stuff" to help out even now...  He's not a bad person.  He doesn't always do right, but he means the best.

So I like to think.  So I've always believed.  So please understand that it feels like a betrayal for me to even be writing this, here in this online space.  On the continuum of families, I've been lucky to come from a middle-class one, with two conscientious parents who care, with the various privileges and opportunities that that implies.  This post is not about complaining of an awful childhood, per se--for all his faults, my father has never physically abused anyone in his life.

He'd never submit to a professional diagnosis, so I have no way to be sure, but even so, I'm pretty damned certain that my father has BPD.  It's only taken me decades to figure this out.  Decades of the cycle...  The good moments with laughter and bonding and philosophical talks, followed by something I "did wrong" and the inevitable slow-dread-build-up of tension or sudden explosion of retaliatory rage for some inexplicable infraction I committed... being a metaphorical punching bag and feeling the adrenaline make my heart race in the face of such anger and shouting... being made to feel like it's somehow my fault and I have something to apologize for... then ultimately being the one to console him when his rage melts into shame and remorse and even tears.  And no matter how much he apologizes or makes a show of self-flagellation, I know that the cycle will only happen again, be it in a few hours, next week, next month, or whenever.

I've never thought of myself as a victim of abuse...  But after a recent 2-day visit with my father, during which I had to endure his sudden, inexplicable, intensely emotional rage attack that deflated into shame and guilt and tears and hugging within half an hour... after which everyone was supposed to be "just fine" again,  I've come face-to-face with the fact that I can't call it anything but abuse.  I was gut-punched, devastated.  I hadn't seen him for over a year (no official estrangement, really, just Life doing its thing), and with the safety of distance, I had been operating under the illusion that we'd grown beyond these horrible scenes, that our relationship had been repaired, improved.  In a mere 24 hours of direct contact, he shattered that dream.   Obviously, nothing has been repaired or improved.  And obviously, I'm still allowing this to happen, somehow...  I must somehow be giving my consent to be victimized, right?  Otherwise this pattern wouldn't still be part of my life.

Researching BPD has made me realize that it'll never stop, never change... that I'll always yearn for those moments when he's my Dad and everything is wonderful, while always being afraid of making him angry by breathing wrong... that he'll never take responsibility for his behavior and can't even see when he's acting inappropriately...  And worst of all, that he'll never be capable of seeing me as an adult person, rather than a mythical, perpetual 15-year-old that he has the right to guilt-trip, scold, punish, and scream at.

So there's the tale.  No doubt it's profoundly unoriginal.  But my question is this:

What do I do now?  I'm literally sick to my stomach with the newfound knowledge that I cannot fix this, I cannot change it, and I cannot endure its inevitable repetition... but neither am I willing to go No-Contact.

I'd welcome any insights from those who are more experienced with this scenario than little old me.

Thanks for listening. 

[genevieve90]

Hey Zamira,

Firstly, I'm so sorry that you've been through that. Abuse seems to be tied in to the BPD experience.

Please, please don't ever think that something YOU have done wrong has led to his behaviour. With BPD, you don't have any choice but to be victimised in my opinion. They're highly manipulative and they know exactly how to hit you where it hurts and get your sympathy when they want it.

Acknowledging what you've been through isn't ok is a huge step to moving forward. You didn't deserve it. I think everyone deals with it differently but my number one piece of advice is LOOK AFTER YOU. Hey, I've failed hugely at this and it's not easy.

Putting boundaries in and beginning to emotionally detach can be really helpful too. Again, so much easier said than done. I'm no expert but I know that nothing good comes from keeping a BPD family member close and opening yourself up completely to them.

I'm sorry I can't give you more answers. I've been really hurt by my BPD sister and I don't feel I'm in a position to give solid ways forward because I've failed miserably but what I have learnt along the way is how important it is to put yourself first and know 100% that what you've been through isn't your fault.

[Harri]

Hi Zamira and welcome.  I am glad you found us and decided to post.  You are not alone in your discovery.  The good news is that things can, with work, get better for you.

What do I do now?  I'm literally sick to my stomach with the newfound knowledge that I cannot fix this, I cannot change it, and I cannot endure its inevitable repetition... but neither am I willing to go No-Contact.

There is an option in between.  An option that is very hard but also very doable as you work on you, detaching emotionally but still with love and compassion and learning to accept that you can not control or fix your father.  You can choose to work with the tools we offer here and talk with us.  Sometimes LC or limited contact is a more appropriate choice for someone.   It was for me and for many others here.

Chances are, you dad is not going to change how he reacts and handles his emotions.  You however, can change the way you respond and learn to respond in ways that help you not to get caught up in his disorder.

If you had to pick one area to start working on, what would it be?  Detaching emotionally?  Boundaries?  Self care?

I hope to hear more from you soon.

Again,

[Zamira]

Thank you for the advice and kind words, genevieve 90 and Harri.  Can't tell you how much it meant to read your replies on a topic that has been largely impossible to articulate--to be validated in the conviction that there is something terribly wrong with this dynamic... and that it isn't all on me.

Harri, you asked:

If you had to pick one area to start working on, what would it be?  Detaching emotionally?  Boundaries?  Self care?

All three of these seem intertwined, so I'm not sure how to pick one.  As far as boundaries go...  I did move halfway across the country from the rest of my family, much as I love them.  My greatest worry since researching dad's BPD has been to wonder how many invisible ways my life has been affected by it--whether there might indeed be something fundamentally wrong with me because of what I've been trained to endure as "normal" behavior.

I've never had any kind of love life and I work 2 jobs (14 to 16-hour days) in animal care and the hospitality industry.  Before that I was a teacher--all jobs heavily skewed towards care-giving, however much I enjoy them.  I'm lucky to be surrounded by kind people and friends at the moment, and life ain't bad, but there's so much time and energy spent on care-giving that there is almost no time for self-care.  Compounding this is the nagging idea that I should "just get over it" and that if I truly were a strong person, dad's latest outburst wouldn't still be bothering me as much as it is. 

So, long answer made short...  I guess self-care.  What's the best starting point for untangling the way I relate to dad (i.e., tiptoeing, apologizing, placating, listening sympathetically) from the way I relate to everyone else in the world? 

This site seems to have a lot of in-depth resources on a wide variety of topics; what resources/articles have helped you the most, and which one(s) would you recommend first?

[ProudDad12]

Hi Zamira,

So you just accurately described my relationship and inner turmoil with my mom, both the good parts and bad. I kept wanting to quote individual pieces and say as much, but finally realized so much resonated that I just needed to say it once so I don't keep repeating myself!

I completely relate and understand the "inevitable slow-dread-build-up of tension", and it's a rough and anxiety inducing thing. And I understand how looking back on childhood doesn't present any memories or awareness of abuse.

And I understand how much of a betrayal it feels like to even be posting here about him. But please know that it is not. Those feelings are part of the mess in all this.

After struggling with my own uBPD mom and seeking help anywhere I can, two  helpful things I've come to understand are A) I'm not terrible or crazy, and B) There's nothing I can do to change my mom, nor can I make her see or understand what she is doing. The second point sounds like it's a hopeless message, but not completely. Understanding that fact helps to relieve a crushing burden.

Please know you aren't betraying your dad. We love our parents very much. And we can love our parents while still protecting our own well being.

What do I do now?  I'm literally sick to my stomach with the newfound knowledge that I cannot fix this, I cannot change it, and I cannot endure its inevitable repetition... but neither am I willing to go No-Contact.

For me, two of the biggest things for help are building a support system (friends, counselor, these boards, etc.), and increasing your self awareness. I've read several of the typically recommended books, and one of the biggest benefits now are when we're in the middle of a crisis with my mom, I can take a step back and see how the things she's saying are almost textbook and typical. That really helps in my attempts to emotionally disconnect from the crisis and look at it objectively. In turn, that helps me not to respond in a way that fuels the fire. I still have a long way to go, and the situation still hurts. But I'm better than I was, and I'm moving forward.

So, long answer made short...  I guess self-care.  What's the best starting point for untangling the way I relate to dad (i.e., tiptoeing, apologizing, placating, listening sympathetically) from the way I relate to everyone else in the world?  

This site seems to have a lot of in-depth resources on a wide variety of topics; what resources/articles have helped you the most, and which one(s) would you recommend first?

I think you made a good call here. You are in good hands with Harri and will get some great advice.  If you're willing to buy a book or two, there are several good ones on Amazon. Please don't let the titles dissuade you, there are checklists in the first one that are very eye opening.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000SEH80I/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o04?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Stop Walking on Eggshells
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_3?crid=72TGJKVC8WQ2&keywords=walking+on+eggshells+borderline+personality+disorder&qid=1565272091&s=gateway&sprefix=walking+on+%2Caps%2C163&sr=8-3

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=toxic+parents&qid=1565271835&s=books&sr=1-5

I'm sorry you are going through this; I know how bad it hurts and the inner turmoil of hurt and confusion and guilt that comes with it. It's a thing not many people truly understand, but there are plenty of people here who can, and who can help.