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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I'm at my wit's end with cycling from emotion to emotion.  (Read 522 times)
Plucky1980
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« on: August 08, 2019, 01:57:14 PM »

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336129.0

Can I ask for an informed opinion. Does it get easier? I hate these waves of sadness, and confusion I get, after periods where I feel okay and I know with 100% certainty that being in a relationship with her for any longer than the year I spent with her would've had serious consequences for me.

I'm at my wit's end with cycling from emotion to emotion.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 04:20:50 PM by Harri » Logged
Toughluck
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« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2019, 02:18:16 PM »

Can I ask for an informed opinion. Does it get easier? I hate these waves of sadness, and confusion I get, after periods where I feel okay and I know with 100% certainty that being in a relationship with her for any longer than the year I spent with her would've had serious consequences for me.

I'm at my wit's end with cycling from emotion to emotion.

It gets easier, in time. In November, two years have passed from my break up. It was very, very,... Very nasty. I still get those "mild" waves.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Its a cliche, but concentrate to yourself and do things that make you happy. If just stay at home and don't even try to grow or make yourself happy, you just make healing slower.

Those waves don't come that frequent when time passes and they become milder. Some waves may be bad, but trust me... I'd never believe that I can heal, but I'm a completely different person now  
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2019, 04:46:10 AM »

It gets easier, in time. In November, two years have passed from my break up. It was very, very,... Very nasty. I still get those "mild" waves.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Its a cliche, but concentrate to yourself and do things that make you happy. If just stay at home and don't even try to grow or make yourself happy, you just make healing slower.

Those waves don't come that frequent when time passes and they become milder. Some waves may be bad, but trust me... I'd never believe that I can heal, but I'm a completely different person now  

Thank you.

Sometimes, I feel like a fraud. I tell myself it was only a year, and the vast majority of people in my life I've spoken to want me to move on. They assume I have moved on, and when I have these periods I can see them getting annoyed that I haven't fully moved on. But it's not like I'm choosing to feel this way.
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« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2019, 08:11:13 AM »

Thank you.

Sometimes, I feel like a fraud. I tell myself it was only a year, and the vast majority of people in my life I've spoken to want me to move on. They assume I have moved on, and when I have these periods I can see them getting annoyed that I haven't fully moved on. But it's not like I'm choosing to feel this way.

I was exactly in the same position. My friends were also tired of hearing me talking of my ex.
But I can say, that there is no need to anymore. Things get better!
My salvation was to get a better job and I also started a new hobby which makes me happy now.
It is a slow process, but you just have to go through it, after what you have experienced... No one can't understand your situation unless they have dated a Bpd person
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2019, 02:09:26 PM »

I was exactly in the same position. My friends were also tired of hearing me talking of my ex.
But I can say, that there is no need to anymore. Things get better!
My salvation was to get a better job and I also started a new hobby which makes me happy now.
It is a slow process, but you just have to go through it, after what you have experienced... No one can't understand your situation unless they have dated a Bpd person

No it's a unique, confusing, unfathomable situation. I have one person in my life that understands that it takes a long time. She went though something similar.

But as I say, I have to remind myself constantly that it takes however long it takes. And I have to stop myself from beating myself up about it.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2019, 02:37:16 PM »

there could be some trigger related bouts of post traumatic stress being replayed when you talk of being otherwise fine but then struck like a wave.

When the waves come, is the subject matter you think of usually the same - is it trauma rooted remembering events, or is it more random generalised stuff?
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2019, 02:42:25 PM »

there could be some trigger related bouts of post traumatic stress being replayed when you talk of being otherwise fine but then struck like a wave.

When the waves come, is the subject matter you think of usually the same - is it trauma rooted remembering events, or is it more random generalised stuff?


Always the same, or similar to be honest. Ruminating about the first few months of the relationship. Before I started to notice things.

Always going back and focusing on the better times. It's infuriating.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2019, 03:05:08 PM »

Always the same, or similar to be honest. Ruminating about the first few months of the relationship. Before I started to notice things.

Always going back and focusing on the better times. It's infuriating.

The only thing that worked for me is to not resist but accept these thoughts, not to label them whatsoever - such as infuriating, or to create any form of emotional response, good or bad. Eventually this led to a reduction of them becoming recalled. The thoughts that originate are nothing more than mental energy awaiting categorisation. At one point we labelled the event for example "this was hurtful", the magic is that what has been labelled can also be re-labelled. I do get thoughts about my ex but they have became sanitised and neutralised, it is not the same as denial or numbing emotion, it is having relabelled them as neutral memories rather than ones that are powerful enough to induce an emotive response today - when I have no wish for them to do so anymore.

At the molecular level, all we are really dealing here with is energy that we have made an emotional connection with. If it is unwanted, just acknowledge its existence and have it there but not pass judgement on it, breathe it out with an exhale, I then ask myself and focus on the question "I wonder what my next thought will be?"

Ive found fighting or trying to block out these thoughts never worked, they are too strong, but instead they can be held in a suspended state until they dissipitate away, because their reason for existence becomes meaningless.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2019, 02:51:23 AM »


Ive found fighting or trying to block out these thoughts never worked, they are too strong, but instead they can be held in a suspended state until they dissipitate away, because their reason for existence becomes meaningless.

I've learned this over time myself. It's impossible to block out these thoughts. I have learned to allow them into my head and to stay until they dissipate naturally but I'm not yet at at point where they're not eliciting some form of emotional response. There aren't any positives anymore, in terms of emotions. It's usually a combination of bitterness, confusion, and anger. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

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Plucky1980
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« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2019, 10:30:25 AM »

I wonder if I might ask people a question. I've read fair bit about people's situations on here. And my own sounds pedestrian in comparison.

I sometimes wonder if I'm going mad, and I'm blowing my situation out of proportion. Have I been conditioned to think like that? I mean with her actions and words towards me.

Be grateful if anyone who's read my situation could comment if they have the time.
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« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2019, 03:15:47 PM »

Hi Plucky

When you feel your situation is being blown out of proportion - Can I ask, what exactly who or what are you measuring this against?
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2019, 03:29:41 PM »

Hi Plucky

When you feel your situation is being blown out of proportion - Can I ask, what exactly who or what are you measuring this against?

No one particular person, really.

I don't know, perhaps it's the feeling sometimes that I brought what happened on myself. There are still occasional moments where I blame myself. Not sure why, although it's in my nature to over analyse and question myself.
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« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2019, 04:54:06 PM »

Hi Plucky,

When you say analytical mindset, I was going to ask if you have tried therapy yet?

I found in my own experience that I had a lot of interesting leads pointed out to me, here on these boards as well.

Stuff I thought I had over-analysed but it turned out I had stopped short in many places and not gone deep enough.

The issue for self blame for example, could explore it deeper, it sounds like blame in the relationship is important to you? It was for me, some people dont care, some only slightly so to varying degrees. Some want it desperately thinking it will be the key to moving on.

Im not sure just how much it helped or hindered to measure my progress against others. It is in my mind comparing apples with oranges. None of us have been through the exact same, so therefore, id say it is not something to be judged by others.

"get over it" in a very broad brush way as it is, in my own case it is not one thing to get over, there is a lot I have already, some I am still working on. The net result is I think of her proportionally far less than I did at the start, I can measure this as progress over a length of time.

There is no competition here, 1.5 years since no contact I have been working on this, important to point out "part-time" because 8 hours of each day I sleep, the rest I work, hobbies, other interests, life in general. Important to mention because I do not get these thoughts during those times, spin class, running on a treadmill, doing an exam, spending time with friends and family.

Building other relationships back up since has been a major way of squeezing those thoughts out and they are by definition - far less important than they once were. I am a believer that we recall what is important to us. If I was to ask you what your first day at school was like - youd probably have to make quite an effort to recall the memory?

 it has been some time since you did, certainly not a daily event you do, but a memory nonetheless. It seems to work the same with my ex, there is less reason for me to think of her, rather than trying to block her out entirely.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2019, 05:44:20 PM »

Yes I have had therapy. It did help, I'd be in a much worse state without it, to be honest.

I appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed reply.

Just really fed up with the situation I'm in. I feel a bit of a hostage to my mind, if that makes sense.

I think that one thing I've learned about myself of late is that I don't have a huge amount of mental strength. Or at least I don't feel like I do.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2019, 01:44:39 AM »

On reflection, one thing that would bother me was her lack of empathy, lack of emotional response, and her lack of affection. I mean she even said that she wasn't very affectionate.

One time she said to me that everyone gives up or abandons her.

It was almost like I was being warned to stay away. Does that make sense?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #15 on: August 11, 2019, 04:27:33 AM »

I dont know about you plucky, but if I had a girlfriend who would have given out an early dislaimer "I have this extreme fear of being on my own, im with you to soothe that fear, but it is not about you as a person - not about 'love' - the relationship is built upon how reliable I think you are not to leave or trigger the idea you might - if I ever get that feeling and find someone else who appears more reliable, dont take it personally, or if I triangulate for awhile to hedge my bets".

Not many would put much emotional capital invested into this, some if not already invested would run for the hills. But to phrase it in this way

"everyone abandons me"

is a more subtle symphathy-inducer

A probing test statement combined with a challenge, show her to be the one that does not give up, make extra effort. For all you know she says this exact same thing in every relationship and has found over time that it simply works. 
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #16 on: August 11, 2019, 05:07:45 AM »

I dont know about you plucky, but if I had a girlfriend who would have given out an early dislaimer "I have this extreme fear of being on my own, im with you to soothe that fear, but it is not about you as a person - not about 'love' - the relationship is built upon how reliable I think you are not to leave or trigger the idea you might - if I ever get that feeling and find someone else who appears more reliable, dont take it personally, or if I triangulate for awhile to hedge my bets".

Not many would put much emotional capital invested into this, some if not already invested would run for the hills. But to phrase it in this way

"everyone abandons me"

is a more subtle symphathy-inducer

A probing test statement combined with a challenge, show her to be the one that does not give up, make extra effort. For all you know she says this exact same thing in every relationship and has found over time that it simply works.  

I'm incredulous that people have the capacity to behave in this manner. I think that's part of my problem. As if I almost can't believe that someone would treat me, or anyone else, in this way.

But the evidence, it's staring me right in the face, isn't it.

What you've said there mate, it's upsetting. But it's the truth. It upsets me to think that I can just be replaced, that I am interchangeable and my actual personality and character is irrelevant, I was just there to scratch an itch, so to speak.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #17 on: August 11, 2019, 05:27:21 AM »

I suppose it's possible that she doesn't even have anyone else. That she hasn't found anyone. But that I was no longer reliable in her mind.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #18 on: August 11, 2019, 06:53:48 AM »

Hi Plucky

I probably should not be writing in such a declarative of knowing the truth form of style, Plucky, I dont want it to risk influencing yourself or anyone to detract from finding their own perspective. This is all theory based, social science stuff when we try to find understanding from psychology. I feel disempowered to approach from that angle, which is why I mentioned therapy might help.

Im the sort of member here who has to guard against, seeing another in emotional pain and my impulse to provide an "instant mash" form of healing via my own explanations into what ultimately is, very individualised and complex relationships that have taken place.

My crude explanation, forms just part of my own belief that I try to convey that took away some of the confusion I had. Confusion being a bedrock that rooted into these other emotions I also had: the anger, the bitterness. If I can understand even accept the existence of a fear of abandonment/fear of vulnerability concept, it did in time alleviate the emotional upset, made it more clinical, less personal.

At least, eventually, initially I read into it as far as having met the most selfish, callous person in existence. it is a far as my world paradigm could rationalise the situation.

I do not hold on to these bpd related concepts as some elaborate way of mitigating or blocking out these hurtful emotions - I dont even fully give them the weighting of being "the truth". What they do is offer another explanation and based on academic research. I guess you could say I found my solace in science, and taking a more clinical view on things. The 'truth' is always going to be elusive, inherently so.

So please with that said, just see whatever I offer as at most, another form of explanation in the midst of all the others out there. I have no book to sell or youtube channel to subscribe to or vested interest in this beyond talking this through with others, for the simple reason it has proven by itself to have worked to get to a more emotionally stable place.

"mates", "folks", these are good terms I use for the members here, I collectively regard on this group as "the people". I have not been to therapy 1 to 1 to talk about this stuff Plucky, ive shared my story and revelations with people like yourself and it has simply worked for me. Mates like you is what helped me through, id say more effective than going through a dusty textbook, so just to thank you as a new member for the part you play in my own recovery - whilst trying to also give my own view on the lay of the land.

In emotional times, there is some vulnerability there and I would not want to be seen as someone that has given the truth regardless of however much certainty I have in what I say, it just represents a crude possible explanation as best I can for the complexity of what I encountered myself. nothing more nothing less.

With regards to your personality and character being irrelevant and only used as a source of her needs, nothing more: again, it is possible but my own thoughts are there is likely to be more to it than this. I dont personally feel I was "randomly selected" out of a pool of the population. From what ive learned on here through other stories, it does not appear to take much to be mentally ejected from "reliable" into "unreliable", the 'wrong' response to question or maybe in my case having to go to work for an 8 hour shift and not be there during that time was my own failing and blame. Just speculating, if that amounts to the truth it is only by luck that I have stumbled on it in a sort of scatter-gun approach I take to figuring out what has happened.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #19 on: August 11, 2019, 07:19:16 AM »

I should clarify Cromwell, I was in no way having a go. I welcome the truth, brutal honesty, whatever you want to call it. Even if it's an informed opinion. It is what it is.

Let's be honest, even though traits of BPD are on a spectrum rather than being a 'yes or no' diagnosis, it seems that most of these people who have these traits seem to behave in broadly similar ways.
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Wicker Man
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« Reply #20 on: August 11, 2019, 08:01:39 AM »

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336129.0

Can I ask for an informed opinion. Does it get easier? ...I'm at my wit's end with cycling from emotion to emotion.

I went through and read your previous posts... but my thoughts being construed as an 'informed opinion' may be a bit strong... Believe me I am a 'coping' model, certainly not the 'super man' model.  I am 18 months out from our break up and my view of my undiagnosed ex, and our time together, has gone through several evolutionary changes.  The rumination has dwindled and feels much different than it did in the past.

Excerpt
...Ruminating about the first few months of the relationship... ...Always going back and focusing on the better times. It's infuriating...
Limerence hits us like a drug and the beginning of any new relationship is likely to be seen through rose colored glasses -while we are in the throws of it and afterward looking back. 

In a healthy relationship this euphoric and unsustainable state should create the beginnings of a foundation for the sustainable feelings of real love.  Dr. John Gottman (he is great! consider looking at some of his writing -I liked Marriage Clinic) refers to this as creating a 'love map' which can be looked back upon when the going gets tough later in the relationship.

Ruminating solely about these good times is really quite biased and unfair to yourself.  It is fine to acknowledge them, but try to view them through the lens of the entire relationship experience.  When I found myself thinking about my ex's good traits I made sure to couple these thoughts with her instability and the worries created by being with an unstable person.

This coupling of the good and the bad ended up acting a bit like operant conditioning.  When I thought of a lovely thing (reward) I coupled it with one of her dysfunctional behaviors (punishment).  Over time this created a more balanced view of the relationship. 

In the last few months the scales have tipped in the other direction, where I am seeing the relationship as been more negative than positive.  I do not demonize her, but now there is no love left -just an extreme pity for her.

Excerpt
I don't know, perhaps it's the feeling sometimes that I brought what happened on myself. There are still occasional moments where I blame myself.
It is valuable to consider our contributions when looking at a failed relationship -but not to the level of self mortification.  If your ex does present some traits of BPD then there is little likelihood of a healthy relationship -unless she seeks treatment.

Perhaps, if I may, focus on why you would stay in a relationship as long as you did when the Sword of Damocles was constantly hanging over your head in the manner of constant breakups and or the threat of them.

Excerpt
it's in my nature to over analyse and question myself.
In the right measure this is really a positive and valuable trait -but taken to an extreme it can be problematic.  One thing to look at -was this your first relationship which followed this arc?  If it wasn't then perhaps look back at your family of origin to try to determine what might compel you towards this sort of a dysfunctional situation.

Excerpt
... her lack of empathy, lack of emotional response, and her lack of affection... ...I almost can't believe that someone would treat me, or anyone else, in this way.

If she suffers from BPD she likely does have a moral code and feels empathy, but when in searing pain it is impossible to not be selfish -there is no room for compassion toward others when one feels their world is crashing down upon them.  If emotionally dysregulating logical thought is physiologically impossible (for any of us -but we, relatively healthy people, don't lose emotional control very often in our lives).

When stressed my ex was capable of remarkable mayhem!  Dysphoria, NSSI, rage, hallucinations (auditory and visual), risky and random behavior.  She is undiagnosed, but I would bet my last dollar she would benefit greatly from DBT -her defense and coping mechanisms are horrendously destructive to her and to the people who love her.  BPD is a very serious mental illness which creates incredible pain for the sufferer and their loved ones.

Although I have pity for my ex my view of her has changed.  In short hand I now view her as 'not a good person'.  She has a lovely side to her, and I loved her very very deeply -but, at this point in her life, she is not able to thrive in a loving and stable relationship.  There was no an evil Machiavellian plan for my destruction -she just has no control over her emotional state. 

There was rarely any intent to hurt me --but she is very seriously mentally ill.  I would give anything to ease her pain -other than my wellbeing.  To have stayed with her would have ended life as I know it.   <-- period or in other words 'hard stop'. 

I have never loved anyone as much as I love her -except for the love I hold for myself and with that love comes the responsibility of self preservation.

Your experience is not pedestrian.  It is your experience and thus important.  You said you had been in therapy.  Maybe consider reentering it to help put the feelings you are having now to positive use.  This is hard.  No two ways about it.  You fell in love and had a great view months -to then only find out you and your ex may have been experiencing two very different relationships.

I just ceased therapy last month after 18 months.  The goal of therapy is to get out of therapy.  I miss my sessions with him -although they were challenging.  However, I feel I have a firm(?) grip on what I experienced with my ex and can now (more or less) move forward with the lessons I have learned.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #21 on: August 11, 2019, 10:54:53 AM »

Wicker Man, thank you for taking the time to write that. I appreciate the input.

Everything you've said makes perfect sense.

I've tried the thinking about her own instabilities and the bad times in the relationship when I was constantly on edge (the balance of the relationship really, around 7 months) in fear of being discarded because of the first time she dumped me. It does work to some degree.

This was the first relationship I'd ever had that followed this arc, yes. This pattern of behaviour was alien to me previously.

I doubt she had empathy. I certainly never saw it. So I don't truly know what's wrong with her. I explained my situation and background to a psychotherapist with BPD experience and she advised me that whilst she probably wouldn't qualify as BPD, she would be near the edge of that particular scale due to her behaviours and patterns of instability.

She never became angry or anything, indeed she rarely displayed emotion, or affection, seemed to find my pain amusing to her, so hence my confusion.

I realise that looking for a definitive diagnosis is futile. And counter productive.

I do feel better than I did (around March/April to be honest I felt almost suicidal) so I guess that's a plus point. Time heals. Just not as quick as I'd like.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't look like a garbled mess. Sometimes I can find it challenging to put my thoughts into words.


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« Reply #22 on: August 11, 2019, 11:40:16 AM »

I should clarify Cromwell, I was in no way having a go. I welcome the truth, brutal honesty, whatever you want to call it. Even if it's an informed opinion. It is what it is.

Let's be honest, even though traits of BPD are on a spectrum rather than being a 'yes or no' diagnosis, it seems that most of these people who have these traits seem to behave in broadly similar ways.

Hi Plucky

I hope also that when I write here that it comes across as clear as possible - often it is only by re-reading my own posts I realise how it can be open to be interpreted a different way than I expected it. I never felt you were having a go, I was correcting my earlier post in a way to protect you from the way of not taking what I say as 'facts of bpd' or the truth, but more to take them as just my suggestions, perspectives or beliefs.

With reference to them (BPDers) either diagnosed, undiagnosed or wrongly diagnosed. I get where you are coming from to generalise a pattern of behaviour, often I do read what others have went through and the shared experience seems canny and replicated exact. The thing with generalising is that even with the traits that combine to diagnose the disorder, the number of permutations goes into dozens of variations. Some will have comorbidities, others will have outlying issues such as substance misuse that impacts on behavior or other non psychiatric health conditions. In short, my ex is not the same as anyone elses, even if BPD can be used as a common denominator.

For example when I Spoke of the fear of abandoment trait, it is just one of the traits of BPD that - can - be used to diagnose. As far as I am aware it is not a core necessary one to classify. Someone can theoretically have BPD but not have abandonment fears.

My ex told me she had abandonment fears alongside her diagnosis with BPD. It gave me the erroneous conclusion that all people with BPD share it, how common the trait is, I have no idea, but I dont think it is a universal one that defines the disorder.
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« Reply #23 on: August 11, 2019, 03:37:22 PM »

Hi Plucky

I hope also that when I write here that it comes across as clear as possible - often it is only by re-reading my own posts I realise how it can be open to be interpreted a different way than I expected it. I never felt you were having a go, I was correcting my earlier post in a way to protect you from the way of not taking what I say as 'facts of bpd' or the truth, but more to take them as just my suggestions, perspectives or beliefs.

With reference to them (BPDers) either diagnosed, undiagnosed or wrongly diagnosed. I get where you are coming from to generalise a pattern of behaviour, often I do read what others have went through and the shared experience seems canny and replicated exact. The thing with generalising is that even with the traits that combine to diagnose the disorder, the number of permutations goes into dozens of variations. Some will have comorbidities, others will have outlying issues such as substance misuse that impacts on behavior or other non psychiatric health conditions. In short, my ex is not the same as anyone elses, even if BPD can be used as a common denominator.

For example when I Spoke of the fear of abandoment trait, it is just one of the traits of BPD that - can - be used to diagnose. As far as I am aware it is not a core necessary one to classify. Someone can theoretically have BPD but not have abandonment fears.

My ex told me she had abandonment fears alongside her diagnosis with BPD. It gave me the erroneous conclusion that all people with BPD share it, how common the trait is, I have no idea, but I dont think it is a universal one that defines the disorder.

I think that with the huge range of scale with BPD, I daresay an actual definitive diagnosis would be very, very difficult. My therapist said to me anyway that it's a difficult thing to diagnose, and that the important thing for me to remember is that even though she didn't think my ex would quite qualify for a definitive diagnosis, she still displayed many of the traits and behaviours, and that I was still emotionally and mentally abused. Regardless of anything, that is extremely hurtful.

We've all here been abused, in my view.
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« Reply #24 on: August 11, 2019, 05:40:33 PM »

she still displayed many of the traits and behaviours, and that I was still emotionally and mentally abused. Regardless of anything, that is extremely hurtful.

We've all here been abused, in my view.

abused I agree but to varying different levels, different forms, different frequency and timespans.

it is extremely hurtful but if we dig deeper and ask why has it affected us to the extent it has? Is it 100% payload of hurt from them or has it been a cascade. By cascade I mean, has it triggered other more deeper older rooted pains from the past? Prior wounds and injuries that have magnified it?

If so, and it might not be the case for all, it then leads to more soul searching into that area. My ex was a nasty b1tch and played mind games via lies, deceit, was sadistic, but the actual context of it all - I was not really alarmed by any of it in a distressed or insulted way.

I was so particularly emotionally vulnerable at the time I met her anyway Plucky, what she did - in the context of me attaching emotionally - loving her - trusting her. It goes beyond superficial insults, lies, or a plate thrown at the wall. It was the betrayal that is the factor that crippled me, was soul searing, ultimately unforgiveable despite hanging around for nearly 3 years in a state of ongoing grieving hoping something might change it. I tried to see if her jumping in and out of my bed would change anything - it did nothing to change an iota of that betrayal. I tried revenge, I tried re-loving her, re-hating her and an array of everything I could, none of them worked, only protracted this lack of being able to clean-cut detach.

Does it sound disproportionate? It does primae facia. Yet this in itself reveals that there is a more deeper rooted issue. If two different people get punched in the face, unprovoked, by a mindless thug. One might just wake up the next day and continue life as normal, the other might develop agoraphobia and become scarred for life. Both events are a form of abuse, yet the gravity of it is vastly different on a scale of effect.

72% of members here suffer depression, it is another important lead worth exploring. My own is a mild form, I try successfuly to manage it each day, a lot of this ongoing hurt could simple be related to this. It helps to see the big picture even if "cluster B abuse" correlates with the situation, it's cause might be exaggerated. Something just does not sit well that one person would be so powerful as to cause this seemingly seismic level of damage, so a lot of this recovery has been going back, widening the scope, revisit the drawing board and trying different approaches. A lot of trial and error. I hope in this vein that you pin down the real root causes for how you feel, they can be elusive. I join WM when he hints towards looking back into your past and any dynamics prior to the relationship that might have played a role.


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« Reply #25 on: August 11, 2019, 10:20:20 PM »

It's the betrayal, Cromwell. Definitely.

If I look at it objectively, there is nothing I or anyone could do to erase that. The betrayal, the feeling that at any point she could decide that the relationship wasn't worth it to her and she'd pull the plug, the lack of empathy, the lack of emotional memory, the instability.

I loved her so, so much in those first 4-5 months. She never showed any of her true personality traits to a discernible degree and if she did, it's likely I didn't notice or ignored them because I was so infatuated. I gave her everything of me and to still be accused of not being myself, and lacking confidence (the ultimate irony - her behaviour caused it and made it exponentially worse) has been what's caused my depression, my search for answers to an impossible question - why?

I'll never get a satisfactory answer. I know that in my heart.

I'll be honest I do sit sometimes and wonder if she ever thinks about me. About trying to get in contact with me. Then the realist in me comes out and understands that it has probably been relatively easy for her to forget about me and move on to what she perceived as bigger and better things. I mean, someone who sings and smiles to a song on the radio 20 minutes after breaking my heart isn't going to find moving on particularly troublesome, are they.

I know in my heart and soul that I'm better off, and that blocking her from my life (I'm not on social media which makes it easier) is the only way forward. I think it's human nature to want answers and closure in respect of things that we'll never get definitive answers to.

My major worry is that in the distant future, will I ever allow myself to trust another woman's words? Seeing as how her words were hollow and devoid of meaning, given that her actions rarely matched them, and indeed were often the polar opposite.

I don't believe her when she said she loved me. I believe I was convenient for her, she was vulnerable and lonely when I met her and she got what she wanted from me and when I no longer served a purpose, she discarded me.
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« Reply #26 on: August 13, 2019, 08:49:34 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. Part 2 is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338801.0
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