Online Dating Coaches and BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

When my girlfriend dumped me out of nowhere a year ago I started scouring the internet on how to get your girlfriend back.

I came across a plethora of dating coaches male and female all professing to being experts. Most with no professional training it seems.

All preach the same gospel: If a woman pulls away or breaks up never chase and pull away as well. Seems logical: If someone ends a relationship or is not into it, don’t beg them tostay if they don’t want you.

The men and WOMEN coaches BOTH say don’t chase women, let them come to you, women hate being chased, hold back, don’t over communicate, be mysterious, don’t be too available... You get the idea.

I decided to see what the coaches were advising the women to do...and guess what? The exact same advice... pull back, withhold  your feelings, never say I love you first, never talk about a relationship until they do and on and on and on...

Everyone is pulling back, withholding , being mysterious and waiting hours to call or text back as not to appear too available. I have been guilty of it myself as a result of this advice from their online videos.

Add BPD to this mix and how is anyone supposed come together as a couple, communicate and stay together?

What are your thoughts on this advice from these coaches as it relates to pwBPD or even relationships in general?

Some of these coaches are charging up to $1000.00 an hour! In my area, professionally trained, licensed psychologists only charge 150-250 an hour...

[ColdKnight]

When my girlfriend dumped me out of nowhere a year ago I started scouring the internet on how to get your girlfriend back.

I came across a plethora of dating coaches male and female all professing to being experts. Most with no professional training it seems.

All preach the same gospel: If a woman pulls away or breaks up never chase and pull away as well. Seems logical: If someone ends a relationship or is not into it, don’t beg them tostay if they don’t want you.

The men and WOMEN coaches BOTH say don’t chase women, let them come to you, women hate being chased, hold back, don’t over communicate, be mysterious, don’t be too available... You get the idea.

I decided to see what the coaches were advising the women to do...and guess what? The exact same advice... pull back, withhold  your feelings, never say I love you first, never talk about a relationship until they do and on and on and on...

Everyone is pulling back, withholding , being mysterious and waiting hours to call or text back as not to appear too available. I have been guilty of it myself as a result of this advice from their online videos.

Add BPD to this mix and how is anyone supposed come together as a couple, communicate and stay together?

What are your thoughts on this advice from these coaches as it relates to pwBPD or even relationships in general?

Some of these coaches are charging up to $1000.00 an hour! In my area, professionally trained, licensed psychologists only charge 150-250 an hour...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ClearEyes]

So fight manipulation and games with more manipulation and games? :/ How those tips have been working for you?

[ColdKnight]

I said I had used it in the past. Not using it anymore...hence the post. I was looking for other people’s experiences. Thanks for the sarcasm though...it’s very helpful...

[ClearEyes]

I'm sorry for that. I've visited those same sites at the moments of desperation and i've come to the conclusion that with those tactics you might trick someone back or at least contact you but i don't know If it helps to build a healthy relationship in any way.

[GaGrl]

Just FYI...(because I am a certified executive coach)...

There are formal, structured courses for coaches, plus three levels of certification within the coaching professional's organization -- the International Coach Federation. If someone can't give you these credentials, they probably are not legit.

[zachira]

Coaches are not accredited mental health experts no matter what coaching certification they may have. Anybody can call themselves a coach.

[once removed]

Seems logical: If someone ends a relationship or is not into it, don’t beg them tostay if they don’t want you.

we teach some of that same advice here: dont chase. dont over pursue. dont wear your heart on your sleeve. dont beg. give space. get back to the upbeat, confident person that your ex found attractive in the first place.

most relationships (in general) recycle. 60% of them do. and to have second thoughts and change your mind, to give things another try, or to have broken up with someone to teach them a lesson when you didnt really mean it, these things are common. so often, theres a window of time that for whatever reason, some of them healthy, a relationship might rekindle.

if you want to reconcile, in that time, and in general, its important to read the other person, to know how theyre feeling, and respond in a way that shows it, with confidence and respect. often, its the only hand you can play, and doing the opposite only tends to make things worse.

if you think about it in terms of dating etiquette, or good manners, thats very different than manipulation or mind games. if you go to a dinner party and you chew with your mouth open, and you slurp, and you behave inappropriately and make the guests uncomfortable, odds are you wont be invited back. theres nothing inauthentic or manipulative about being mindful of that. not respecting someones space is really the same thing.

but i don't know If it helps to build a healthy relationship in any way.

it absolutely wont, and thats a very important point.

most online dating coaches are glorified pick up artists, with sprinkles of good advice. any given time, with any given person, it may "work". it doesnt teach you the skills to be that healthy person that can attract a healthy other. reconciling a relationship is really about understanding what went wrong, and how to change it (if possible); how to get on a healthier, more stable, long term trajectory. otherwise youre just putting yourself back in an unhealthy situation, and possibly for unhealthy reasons.

[GaGrl]

Coaches are not accredited mental health experts no matter what coaching certification they may have. Anybody can call themselves a coach.

Exactly. A reputable coaching certification makes very, very clear the difference between coaching and therapy, how to recognize when therapy is needed, and how to make that recommendation.

[ColdKnight]

ClearEyes, thank you very much for the apology. I was a bit snappy in my reply to you so I apologize too.  
 

[ColdKnight]

I will say this however,

I don’t know how many people are familiar with Corey Wayne but he says that normal people can go a couple of days without contact and are happy to hear from the SO when they do reach out. The space is good. People with major insecurity (let’s admit, well have a certain level of insecurity) do not like this space/lack of contact.

He believes that this space will weed out the overly insecure. In my experience with my uBPDgf I wholeheartedly agree.

During our first “relationship” she didn’t show much of her true colors. Maybe a bit of minor jealousy but always seemed happy to hear from me after a few days normal space. I look back now and think she might have been raging during these times of space but the relationship was still shiny enough for her to keep her head together.

During this, the first recycle, she has had no problem stonewalling, gaslighting and massive use of the silent treatment. A few weeks ago though for whatever reason she really got back into the relationship and started chasing and reaching out. She angrily called me out several times for not contacting her after a day and a half or two days. One time she called me at 9pm and left no message. I called her back the next day at 6pm and she was NOT HAPPY. That was what pretty much led to the crash of our Fourth of July plans.

It wasn’t like I was ignoring her questions or important messages either She was just mad that I hadn’t texted her or called her quick enough. Yet I would ask to see her and she would wait 10-18 hours to respond. Sometimes she wouldn’t and I would have to follow up.

Take that for what it is worth...