This kind of, in a way, plays myself a little bare and opens me up to critique, which is alright. I realize that, while I was trying to do what I felt was best with good intentions, I did not handle things as well as could have been - obviously.
First, to be clear, I am not a physical person. I shun physical fights at almost all costs. Even at times I'm struggling with regulation, myself, at emotional extremes, it's a hard limit for me.
Not long ago, before realizing BPD was a factor, we had a series of fights. In fact, the intensity of them and things within them opened up my eyes to the possibility of something like BPD and led to my exploring the possibilities. Coming into the series of fights (and seemingly sparking a period of her own dysregulation), other events in my life came up that I knew would take an emotional toll on me. She was aware and sympathetic, understanding, and promised support... but, two days into it, spun out and things went intensely haywire on top of blows I had taken. I was low, supportless, and dealing with the far extremes of her wild swing.
The second night of fighting into the turmoil, after a round of hard argument, I found myself needing to step away. It was getting too much for me and I could feel that breaking point. I felt such a mix of things and my own emotions simultaneously wanting to lash out, but also lash in. Anger was directed at myself, the situation, life and her as it all came together. Retrospectively, *I* felt borderline and like I was going crazy, not k owing which way was up. I knew I had to retreat and gather myself together, take time to walk back from a ledge.
I voiced to her that I was "nearly suicidal" and needed to be left alone and I retreated to a shed (more like a small barn) that is a convenient place to regroup. She followed and marched in soon after, wordless but with anger radiating and a glare on her face. I realized she wanted to be sure I was not going to do anything stupid (suicidal gestures are not my norm, but have been hers), but I also realized I could not regroup with her sitting glaring and radiating anger. I told her, as evenly as I could, that I needed to be left alone.
She got up and stomped out angrily, but came back two minutes later in full rage, hurling a flashlight against the door and launching into a tirade. I sat quiet for a moment, feeling trapped and then bit back in what was as much plea as anger - that I had said that I needed to be left alone and needed to regroup - that my mind was in a bad place and that, while I was not going to harm myself, I needed desperately to gather myself - that I had asked for that and was being given the opposite, being screamed at, berated and not being given what I desperately needed.
Not knowing what to do, I fled, walking out of the shed and off to a quiet corner of the property (14 or 15 acres). Being dark, she had not seen where I went and assumed I had walked up to the road to walk wherever. The car engine started and I heard her drive up the driveway to go looking for me, so I texted her to let her know "I never left the property. There is no imminent danger of me harming myself. I just needed to be alone." The car returned, she went in the house, I returned to the shed to regroup and all was quiet for about a half hour.
Then, the van started up and I heard her start up the lane. I knew she was not in a good state of mind either, and she has a history of suicidal gestures. When she drives off from an intense fight, it is always a worry. On top of that, when she is deregulated and in full rage, driving is dangerous for her. I've seen her slam into reverse and plow into another car in the driveway.
Something that is a pattern and plays a role here is that making me wonder if she is going to harm herself when she leaves had become a manipulation. She will rage at me if I ask if I need to worry and ask directly if she may harm herself. I've talked to her about how it feels like emotional abuse to intentionally leave me wondering and worrying. We both lost a 2 year old daughter years ago and the thought of seeing a second family member lifeless on a metal table is a horror. Evoking worries of that image by internationally leaving me wondering... ouch.
This is also why I had tried to repeatedly be clear to her that I was not in any danger of harming myself and in need of being left alone to regroup. It's also why, when she went looking for me, I had messaged her right away letting her know where I was and that there was no immediate danger. I could not do the same to her, leaving her wondering where I was and if I was safe.
This night was particularly volatile, fed also by my own struggle with regulating myself under pressure. There was a real worry that she was leaving to do something stupid. She had confessed in the past to sitting by train tracks with full intention of throwing herself in front of a train.
I walked to the car as she drove the lane to leave and asked her if she was going to harm herself. She repeated just raged back. I told her I was just looking for an answer and that I care and do worry. Rage, rage, rage. I stood in front of the car and she got out. I kept telling her that I just needed to know she would be safe, but between her state of mind, refusal to answer and how dangerous it can even be for her to drive like that, I made a split second decision that I could not let her leave - at least, not driving. If she went on foot, I could not stop that, but behind the wheel there was added danger and she could go anywhere and not be found if she needed to be found.
But, she was blocking the door. Bent on stopping her, I grabbed an arm and yanked to yank her away so I could get the keys. She went flying and hit the ground and inside I went "oh
... I really did not mean for that to happen" as guilt and prediction of her reaction and possibilities like her calling the cops and me going to jail as her own remorse set in as she felt guilty for calling, a chain all feeding in on itself and all sparked my split second decision. I grabbed the keys and, yes, sure enough she was screaming that she would call the cops as I was apologizing and trying to assure her I had not meant for her to fall, just to get he keys and keep her safe.
She did not call, of course. Things did continue, she did end up leaving in another car and leveraged my worry about her in manipulative ways as she was out. In the end, she was safe and I came to realize she had never really intended to harm herself, which made it all a huge ploy to curve things around to focus on her when I had hit crisis myself. Ironically, it had worked to jerk me away from my own feeling of being on a ledge.
Obviously, I did not handle things well. I know my intentions were good and I was trying to do the best I could in that moment, under those conditions, with her safety in mind. I do harbor some feelings of guilt for throwing her down, even as the intent was to pull her away from the car to get the keys, and that comes from knowing I could have done better.
The questions for you all and probably helpful to others as conversation are...
1. How do you handle situations where you are in crisis, in your own bad state struggling with dysregulation, and your partner pushes or turns things around to their own crisis?
2. How do you handle situations where you have a legitimate fear for their safety and they are leaving? Do you stop them? Let them go?
Edit to add: Holy poop, that was a long post.
