Abuse and false accusations - where do you draw the line and say enough

[Catan]

I am very new to this site and reading through the experience of others has been really helpful.   Please keep sharing!

I am in abusive relationship with my uBPD partner.  He regularly tells me to "shut up", F&*^ B*(&*(,  psychotic or lunatic so many times...he criticises and undermines me a lot.  He is very controlling.  His behaviour gets much worse, when he has a bad day at work.    I have tried to set boundaries and made clear the consequences (leaving the room, or house).  However, they have had little impact as he often turns it around on me - saying I am the problem.    He has even gone as far as to say i'm the one that is mentally ill and that I am abusing him!

If I'm completely honest, as much as I've been trying to let the words bounce off his words have been eroding my self esteem etc and confidence for many months.  My emotional resilience is an all time low.   I have been escaping to friends for a couple of days just to try and get some time for me, hoping things would be better when I get back.  However, my partner doesn't show any remorse often berating me for leaving in the first place.  

Our communication is not great.  Currently it feels like he is constantly angry with me, blaming me for the misery of his life (as he puts it).  

Emotional  abuse is not OK, and I feel a fool for staying in the relationship and putting up with it.  I feel like I am losing myself completely as every day passes and I have a young baby to look after.

I would be interested in other peoples experiences.  Where do you draw the line?   If your partner isn't even willing to get help, is there any hope things will improve?   What gave you the confidence to leave?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm so sorry to hear that the abuse has continued to the point that it is impacting your self esteem.  You've taken an important step by reaching out for help here, and I'm also glad to hear that you have friends you can count on for support.  This is especially important when you've got a little one who needs so much from you.

You said that you feel like your effort to implement boundaries by leaving when he is being abusive has had little impact, since he turns things around and blames you.  Can you tell us more about what happens when you leave?  Are you able to get away from the abuse for a bit?

RC

[Jbombjas]

Holy cow does this sound familiar. I barely know my guy but it’s him to the T and I can say it’d be him if I continued on. They say many men w bpd lean towards a more narcissistic behavior pattern, SOMETIMES (not all)  just because of society and ego and the things they have learned to be as a “man.”
I’m not here to tell you about all of that however. I’m here to tell you I understand. First of all, abusers are smooth and tricky. They don’t start by abusing. Or none of us would go for them. And they seek out those in the end that serve their needs and they know they can abuse. It may be low self esteem or lack of boundaries or just a highly empathetic person that leads them to you/me/anyone. I tend to be highly empathetic and lack esteem at times. I’m ok at boundaries but have let some slip. But anyway. Back to you.
I want to tell you I understand because with a borderline there is a fine line. It’s one I’ve questioned and thought about a lot. No. Abuse is NEVER ok. Emotional abuse is often the most damaging however I’m not here to argue about what is. I just find myself questioning the same thing. How many times do you forgive the name calling and horrible acts? I mean. We are dealing with someone disordered. And if they are in fact a pwbpd then their abusive acts are not done in a calculated or manipulative manner. Well maybe manipulative but not intentionally. They are done impulsively. Fearfully. Selfishly. And to gain some sort of immediate response, that, in the end, just wants to be loved and not left. Sure, that’s a really nice approach and way of looking at it. But I think there’s a huge difference between being intentionally cruel purposeful maliciousness and childishly selfish impulses.
Now I’ve been w a very abusive boyfriend in my 20s. And it wore me down. In the very way I can say that you are feeling. And the best thing I ever did was become free.  The day he left I wasn’t sad one more day. I became free because I was just tired. I was beat down and tired and alone w no one left in my life and I was tired. I needed to be free from all that drama and responsibility. It was ruining my life and it wasn’t me.  I had begun to fight back already and I just couldn’t do it any longer. I’m not going to tell You what to do like many other might suggest for you on here. Your time will come and you will make the decision. On your own if and when you ever do. I would say if he’s not willing to get help things will probably never change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. My boyfriend back then still reaches out to me here n there and while I’m 7 years sober, he is still a drowning alcoholic reminiscing of our good old days together and wishing we were...as if. But I’m just here if you need support and completely understand your thought process and struggle . I hope that you take care of yourself and your baby. We only get one short life to live and in my opinion nothing matters more that living it in happiness.  I applaud your compassion and love and strength. And your ability to reach out here and be so honest. You’re not a fool. Don’t label yourself as such. This is our path. There are always Beautiful lessons and things we get along it.

[Catan]

Thank you Jbombjas and Radcliff for the replies.  I really appreciate it.

Radcliff - with the boundaries, when the abuse is really bad...I would usually go to a friends for a couple of days.  I let him know why we have left etc and don't really have much to do with him during this time.  He is never apologetic when I get back - quite the opposite.  What typically happens would be my partner would then say I was taking his baby son away from him and that I was the one abusing him.   He doesn't accept that he was abusive in the first place, and often lies, making out he never called me the horrible names (for example).  Often he will just say "oh you have called me much worse" - which isn't true.

I feel I am getting to the end of the road with my partner.   What he appears to be lacking is an awareness and acceptance of his part (the ongoing abuse) in the destruction of our relationship.  He just deflects on to me.  Seriously, I have to laugh sometimes - as he says I scream at him ….the thing is I never scream.  It is HE who has the anger management/rage issue.

Hence the issue with setting and enforcing boundaries.    Having a personality disorder may make it easier to understand why the abuse happens, but it doesn't excuse it.   I do love this guy, and have loads of compassion for him and all the pain he must be feeling - but I just don't deserve to be treated so poorly.

Any ideas on how I could make boundaries more effective, if my partner doesn't even think he was abusive in the first place?

[Radcliff]

Hold onto that thought -- you don't deserve to be treated this poorly.  That's huge, and many folks take years to get there.

To learn more about boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries.  That'll help us share a common language about this important tool.

One of our goals here is to help folks reduce overall conflict levels.  An important part of that is to try to defuse things as early as possible, with less effort and conflict.  Leaving for a couple of days is an important strategy to have available, but it's costly.  Keep it in your tool kit, but let me ask about opportunities for protecting yourself before it gets to that point.  Have you experimented with leaving the room for a short period of time when he's being verbally abusive?  Are there any other strategies you've tried, successfully or unsuccessfully, before it gets to that point?

RC

[Turkish]

Has he ever grabbed you angrily, struck you or punched walls?

[Inner Light]

It is very hard to leave a relationship with a baby I know but I think being cursed at is a deal breaker... Because it shows that he lacks boundaries around abuse in my opinion. I think having the confidence to leave is accepting that you will face emptiness, you will feel lonely... For a time. Not forever.

[Catan]

Thanks for the responses.

In terms of how I assert boundaries, I would normally let the first time go (that day) and just remind him that he has over stepped boundaries.  However if the poor behaviour continues, I would leave the room - or just get out of his space for the a couple of hours.   In bad situations, I leave the house and stay at a friends for a couple of days.   To be honest, I don't think anything is really working.  He is quick to say, that he thinks actually have boundaries is abusive!  It feels like he doesn't respect at all, which makes me sad.  I don't think he even thinks the way he talks to me is inappropriate.  So what do I do?   

Most of the abuse is emotional/gas lighting.  It has only got physical (he threw something at me, and pushed me over) about three times. 

I need to think about the long term.  What is best for me and the baby.  My partner speaks to me so badly, and is very controlling - not a good role model.

[Radcliff]

If you're thinking about the long term, a good book to read might be Should I Stay or Should I Go, by Lundy Bancroft.  It talks about the process of deciding whether or not there is hope to improve an abusive relationship.

Take a look at that boundaries link if you haven't already.  We are not typically successful at controlling other's behavior.  The boundary works more simply than that.  It works if it protects you from the harm.  If you leave the room and get some peace, it's working.  As a result, your self-esteem is less battered, and you stay stronger and feel less helpless.  This is really an exercise in strengthening yourself, which puts you in a better position whether you stay or leave long-term.  Does that make sense?

That's great that you've got several levels of response to verbal abuse.  When you "remind him that he's overstepped boundaries" that may make him feel like you're trying to control his behavior, which he then feels is abusive.  How about making it about yourself?  You could say something like "when I hear a loud voice or hurtful things I need to take some time to myself so I can come back and be there for you like you need me to be."  Another helpful thing is to say how long you'll be gone for, and come back on time.  That may feel less threatening to him.  Do these strategies sound like they may help?

RC

[Catan]

Thanks Radcliff.  I appreciate the perspective on boundaries.  It does help to remove myself from the situation. 

However, if someone keeps on over stepping boundaries all the time isn't that a concern because it is a general lack of respect over what you think is ok.  Don't you need to start questioning whether this relationship is healthy work long term if boundaries keep on crossed?

I'm just thinking from my perspective where the amount of verbal abuse and rage I get is just not something i'm willing to put up with.   

[Radcliff]

Yes, that would be totally reasonable to think about whether the relationship is working for you if boundaries are getting overstepped regularly.  And it's important to note that BPD and abuse are overlapping problems.  Regardless of the compassion and flexibility we try to show to our pwBPD, in an abuse situation, you need to get to a place (literally or figuratively) where you feel safe.

Leaving an abusive relationship is complicated.  Sometimes we may mute our reactions to what's going on, and sometimes we may get really, really upset.  We may alternate between feeling like we have to get out and we ought to be able to save things if we can just work hard enough.  If we decide to leave, it's important to do it with a safety plan.  Local domestic violence agencies can help with this.

One helpful way to consider risk in a relationship is to take the MOSAIC
 assessment.  Can you take it and let us know your score?

RC