Being pushed away

[Paris55]

Hi there,
I am really struggling with constantly being pushed away by my gf. We have been together for 3.5 years and every time the going gets tough, she pushes me away and does not want to see me. I have explained to her how hurtful this is and she seems to understand at the time, only to have it happen again a month or two later. I understand that sometimes she wants to be on her own but I do worry very much that every single time things get hard, that its easier to not have me around. I am devastated and want nothing more than to be able to sit with her in whatever place she is in...happy, sad, anxious, stressed, angry... I love her so much, I support her, I have her back, I am here for her and I want to be there for her.  I'd love a future with her but I can't keep being pushed away. Having spoken to her VERY seriously about how I'm feeling, she feels so awful, she explains that she wants to stop pushing me away but she doesn't know why she does it and is scared that she cannot stop. I have encouraged her to get some help for some time now and she books the appointment but then cancels. I know she is really scared and I don't want to push her but I also don't know what to do. 
Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

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[No-One]

Hi Paris55:
Welcome!  I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time with your partner. 

We have been together for 3.5 years and every time the going gets tough, she pushes me away and does not want to see me.   

Can you add some details about "the going gets tough".  Are you referring to times of periodic depression, when she wants to be alone?

I have encouraged her to get some help for some time now and she books the appointment but then cancels. I know she is really scared and I don't want to push her but I also don't know what to do.    

What is she afraid of?  Has she ever been treated before for a mental illness (meds or therapy)?  Is she afraid of some stigma about mental health?

Is there anything that might make her more comfortable about starting some therapy?  Perhaps, you could go with her, for the first appointment or two (If it's okay with both her & the therapist).

Just thinking that if she could just break the ice with a therapist, she might be able to open up a bit, carry on with solo sessions and gain some benefit. 

[Witz_End]

Emotions are a compelling force.  I mean when you think about it, what compels you to want to be there with her at those times?

For pwBPD's, it's even more so.  Their emotions at any given time are at the center of and shaping their perception, but also driving their behavior.

A difference, as I understand, is that in a non-BPD you have what you feel and perceive in that moment BUT also the ability to balance that out with the bigger picture of context... ie "I am pissed off at you right now and really upset, but I know that I love you and this moment and this emotion and this view of things is temporary."  We are able to make decisions on what we do with the context in mind, factoring in how we have felt and seen things at other times.

A pwBPD is more hyper-focused on the present when dysregulating, not really able to keep the bigger picture in mind.  They act out of what they feel in that moment, compelled by the emotions in that moment.  They may remember past events, but see and process them through the way they see and process in the moment - as if they can not be processed any other way.

So, when you talk to her about it in calmer moments, she may recognize your feelings and feel guilty.  She may genuinely, at that time, want to change and not push you away.  But, when dysregulated, how she felt and what she thought when you talked about it is drowned out by the compelling force of the emotions and the predominant view of the dysregulated moment does not really allow for integrating/balancing the reality felt in that other moment (the talk) with this moment.

It's hard for her to see because she does not realize.  Before learning about BPD from research (though unknowingly, I'd been on a long course of study experientially), I talked with my wife about what I later learned is splitting.  I told her what I see, which is that I cycle from being the most wonderful person in her eyes to being a horrible a-ho and that it seems she sees me all white and all black, not seeing that I am not all either/or.

Her response was, "No.  It appears that I see nothing but the bad, but even at that time I am aware of the good too."

I believe that she thinks this, but what I think happens is that she projects her ability to see both sides of things in that moment we're talking about it backwards to the times she was dysregulation and splitting.  In other words, it is hard for her to remember the state of that other time because of the current state.  If this is the case, it's like a short sightedness... accurately seeing past perceptions is skewed by present reality by being perceived *through* present reality... "I can see both sides now, so I could see both sides then."

Does this make sense?

It does make it very difficult for her to know why she does it.  I think she's telling the truth there and I imagine that as you talk about it, she probably feels that frustration with herself very keenly.  It's a disorder that creates it's own inherent blind spots to itself.

So... compelled by the emotion in that moment, limited to the emotionally driven perception in that moment, the emotions, perceptions, and priorities of other moments drown out.

Does this help with perspective?

I don't really have much solution, but a good first step is understanding. In understanding, you can realize that she is not intentionally going back on or invalidating the guilt she voiced.  It is her in two separate states, acting out of the emotion and perception of the current state, unable to integrate (factor in) the remembered emotion and perception of other times.

[Paris55]

Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
'When the going gets tough' is when my partner is stressed and when life get's overwhelming for her. This is the case at the moment regarding her work and work load. She places an immense amount of pressure on herself in general, she prides herself on giving her absolute all to her work especially and does an amazing job in her field. She is a woman of such integrity and cannot understand why others do not act in the same way. This is a massive dilemma for her at the moment as she is questioning whether she can work with people who are like this, people who are in leadership roles and positions of power and who she does not respect. Hence why she is contemplating looking for another job and leaving a workplace she has given her heart and soul to and doesn't really want to leave.  She's really struggling with this.

When she 'pushes' me away, she shuts down and says she does not want to see me but then when I do what she asks and give her space (which is so hard especially when I know she's struggling so much and my natural instinct is to want to just be there to support, love and make things a bit easier by helping out at home with the day to day things like cooking, cleaning, washing etc) she then goes into a really low place where she says "you don't care, clearly you're happier without me, I miss you, leave me alone, I don't need you, you don't understand, you're better off without me etc) So, the pushing away often means the complete opposite and she actually does want me around but I feel like she can't actually say to me 'I need you right now'. Her actions say the opposite of what she wants.
She has told me that she does not know why the opposite of what she wants comes out and that she just pushes as it's her safe normality.

My partner has seen a psychologist for an extensive period of time many, many years ago before I met her. She had not been in a relationship for a long time. She was on her own for a long time before we met, so for her, relationships, showing vulnerability, trusting and letting someone in and being truly seen by someone were not an issue until now.
She is on a high dose of anti depressants and we have been to couples counselling a number of times in January this year but work and life got too busy for her and I didn't want to force her to go and add more pressure. I was worried she'd shut down again.
I have offered to go with her, sit in the car or in the waiting room or even sit in the session with her but she appears reluctant. We are hoping to book in with her previous psychologist so she doesn't have to rehash all the past and she can pick up where she left off but with everything going on with work at the moment, she just can't face it.
Thank you for your responses. I am trying really hard to understand and doing lots of reading to help support by beautiful partner. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.