What’s going to happen?

[Chicagobloo]

so this is my first post here as I’m finding difficult to understand what I should do. I was in a relationship with my ex gf for 6.5 years. Broke up 2 months ago.  She was 15 and I was 17 so this started I’m high school. We were friends for maybe a week before we started dating and I fell so hard. Within the first year mist notably the first 5 months were very confusing and difficult to wth stand but I did. (Talking to other guys even a girl, having suicidal friends that cut on themselves and would starve also, on top of her having problems with her mom.) I got out my comfort zone and played super hero. I got her away from this friends and helped her with the issues with her mom. During that time I was unfaithful at one point with my neighbor and that’s something I never heard the end of till this day. I do know all the red flags but not at that time as I was 17. The abuse started with her verbally and moved to some physical abuse but the emotional abuse was full throttled (bringing up people who made me insecure, making up lies, playing little mind games) but even with all that I still always put in 100% effort. From walking to and from her house which wasn’t close to hour long drives to see her when my parents moved away and quite a few train rides till 2 am. The first 4.5 years of the relationship I always went out of my way to make her happy wether it be gifts, actions, being sweet. But during that time there was physical abuse on both sides. (As I got sick of the abuse and started hitting back both ways) she even moved in with me without really asking just never left but I didn’t care. I got a way better job so we can move out of my grandpas and establish a life together even tho the flags where there. Once we got our own place things where great for awhile but I became emotionally distant but still always went out of my way for her, I felt my needs weren’t being met and I was unhappy. She did pick up alittle more but still she was never thoughtful or empathetic towards me and if she was it was rare. It got to a point I was very stressed with work and started drinking heavily and became an alcoholic. She would always try to provoke me which in return I became physical. And it ramped up since then to me feeling like I was some monster. We barely had sex and when we did it was really me. Even got into a cocaine addiction. She would be mad that I’d go out and have a good time on the weekend and it go into me telling her she should call of one weekend day and we can go do something together(we barely spent any days apart this last 6.5 years) like how we would when we were kids. But it fell on deaf ears as she’s a bartender and the weekends where her “money days” that’s fine. It slowly started going more down hill where I was looking at other woman for validation and started sleeping around.  I feel terrible now as there where nights she’d call me endlessly to come home but I wouldn’t answer because I was just that unhappy. But I know for a fact I love her with all my heart just couldn’t take not feeling appreciated as I was the one who always tried to put us in a better position. She became dependent on weed after the first year of us and has done it every day since. The weekend before she left she was hinting at leaving but at that point I was so angry I didn’t argue for her not to leave to just do it already. I got into a drinking and driving problem and I guess that was her last straw. 3 days later gone. Came home to all her stuff gone and I was completely shattered.i wanted to work on things but she made it very hard to as she never wanted to take responsibility for her actions (she was younger so she felt like it was ok and wasn’t a big deal now cuz she’s older) but even then I still had feelings she was seeing this girl at her work from text messages I’ve seen but never could actually prove it cuz the message stated “I’ll text you later because of my bf” I confronted her and it went to that there was some sexual harassment at work and she knew I’f i Found out I would explode(I do have anger issues but I didn’t really before I met her) so I do have my doubts and insecurities. When she left the first week I was begging and getting shut out on top of being blocked. Every few days she’d pop up with a text or even come to my house to grab or do something( she would sexually flirt alittle and kiss on me tell me she loves me) she kept my key for a whole month till the last second to give it to me as if she couldn’t leave the key herself as I wasn’t living there anymore. When I picked up the key I gave her flowers and a letter I wrote for her basically stating thanks for the great memories and if we don’t get back together aslong as we are happy. (She mentioned the stuff she left an hour before I got there so I already had the flowers and letter due to me not knowing if we will speak again, she also kissed my neck not the first time this whole break up and telling me I smell good)She also had me pick up the stuff she “forgot” in a back closet that she wanted me to deliver to her house for her as I just wanted to be nice at that point. Days go by and I don’t hear from her about her stuff so I let her know that I’ll be dropping it off at her moms house(like she wanted) and I’ll leave it within the gate so it’s safe and she exploded and wanted to be there when I dropped it off and said the least I can do for her is drop her stuff off on the specific day because I’ve already inconvenienced her enough. So I obliged again to be the bigger person. Fast forward to that day(like I said she continuously contacted me multiple times a week on her own accord and then block me again till she wanted to talk.) the day comes and go by her house at the time she wanted and she didn’t answer her phone, so I dropped her stuff off in the gate like I was going to and texted her that her stuff was there and to have a good day. She calls me back 4 mins later and unleashed an attack on to me calling me names and I even told her I’ll come back carry the stuff in for you and proceeds to tel me she doesn’t need PLEASE READ from me and hangs up and I texted her asking to go out to eat to talk and then that could be it but she blocked me again. I then proceeded to text her from another number saying I’m done with games and being strung along and to leave me alone. Not even 2 days later she has questions to ask me so I oblige and never got a call from her till the next day she texts me saying if I can see her tomorrow during the day and I said yes that’s fine. The day comes and I’m messaging her to see where we will meet at and she doesn’t answer and calls me an hour later saying she just woke up cuz she worked last nite and if we can schedule another day because she had work in a few hours and I said that’s fine we can do Wednesday to which she agreed. She calls me an hour later to ask me about her car note(I’m a car salesman) I answer her questions and that was it. Wednesday comes and she’s texting me during the day all happy and looking forward to us meeting. We meet up at one of our old favorite restaurant and she gives me a big hug and wanted me to squeeze her tighter. We end up having a good time and then I brought up the relationship and I basically got blamed for things but said I take responsibility for my actions and I asked what do I need to do and she said therapy but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t either. So I got emotional and she kisses me on the lips and tells me she loves me and wipes the tears from my eyes. We did have a good time and when we left she gave me another kiss on the lips and a big hug and tells me again she loves me. We leave and she always makes sure to leave after me which I find odd. So later on I get 5 missed calls from her and I go to call back and I’m blocked. So I call from my aunts phone and she picks up sounding distraught. She tells me why I didn’t kiss her like I used to and she loves me and she wants to see me again. So I say next Wednesday to which she agrees. The next day we are talking during the day and I mighta got to ahead of myself about reconciliation as in moving to fast.(talked of vacation in a month cuz we both need it) and she said that sounds nice so we talk alittle more and she cuts contact and says she will text me tomorrow so I agree and that night she calls me late asking what I’m doing and wanted to tell goodnight and that she loves me and I reciprocate. Next day again texts me in the morning and sends me a pic of her wearing my necklace. and we talk and she tells me she has nobody to talk to and she’s depressed (she doesn’t look to good health wise I may add) I did send her an edible arrange because she just started a new job and I include a letter that says I hope she had a good first week and to keep up the good work and that I love her. She asks me if it was me and I said yes and she says thank you and I said you’re welcome. I go to text her alittle but later to ask if she needed to talk or something she could always call or text. But again I was blocked(to her it was because she knows she’s respond to me when she’s trying to heal) I left it at that not to worried about it. She texts me that next Tuesday saying she hopes I’ve been well and I tell her that I need to talk to her and her responses was as if she was worried I had something to say to her and I told her just call me later and she said she was too busy tonite and that she can call me ina little or after work which I said is fine and she asked what we needed to talk about and I say that she asked to hangout tomorrow and If she was still up for it and she said yes. Next day she texts me again talking regular and she seems happy to be speaking with me and we meet up and everything’s perfect. Again telling me I smell good and I look nice. We start eating and having a good time, she’s picking off my plate which I don’t mind. Then after about 45 mins she said her stomach hurt and wasn’t feeling good and I told her she could go right now if she’d like but she wanted to stay till I left. So we leave with no kiss but a half asses hug which I didn’t take to heart cuz she might have not felt good. The next day was my birthday and I got hammered after I left her and I go to send her a text to tell her to tell her mom that I said happy birthday as we share the same day. But again blocked. I flipped as I was drunk and left her voice mails and texts ( not name calling) but saying some stuff that could be hurtful as I was just so upset. The next day she tells me happy bday and that why was I calling her that late when she has work(but yet she did that multiple occasions during this process. She literally wouldn’t leave me alone like she couldn’t even from blocked numbers a couple times) and tells me she can’t give herself to someone right now because she’s going through a lot and then switched to she can’t lose me entirely and then says she should have never left and I ask let’s hangout today cuz it’s my bday and we can talk and she says ok but then asks y if she already said what she had to say? Then proceeds to say she’s not gonna string me along no more and it’s not right and she doesn’t have feelings and I don’t give her butterflies and she doesn’t look forward to seeing me anymore. ( I never asked her to hangout or talk to me this whole time but yet she does) and it’s best if we block and not speak so I did alittle pleading saying I’m going to therapy and we have to work at it and she said goodbye. So I left it alone and the next Wednesday she asked for her sweater back and I don’t text back at all then turned mean and that I lost my shot, I’m not a man, I didn’t change, then to why won’t I tell her I don’t want her anymore and to be human and I’m killing her(literally going psycho). Again I did not text back and I sent her stuff in a fed ex box. Next morning telling me to give her a chance and that she loves me and doesn’t want to feel this way anymore so I fall again and I text her what she sent me last week and she asks if I still love her and I said yes and she sent me a quote about being soulmates and she just wants things to go back how they were when it was a good relationship(trust me there were good parts like our vacations and road trips and all the little things in between) and said she’s scared if we can be inlove again and I said why even try if there’s no expectation and she said she is in love with me but nervous and I calm her down and she asks to meet for dinner and we did. Had a great time and she became sexually flirty and wanted to kiss me when she seen me and told me she look forwarded to seeing me and the night goes on and I ask if she’d like to stay at a hotel with me as she told me she’s missed laying with me and coming home to me) she declined stating she’s very exhausted and didn’t want to just go there and go to sleep (she stayed we should plan it)but then said I just wanna go to hook up in a joking way. So I asked if she’d like to go smoke weed and chill and she agrees so we did that for an hour longer and she also remembered a time we had sexual relations in the laundry room where we were at at the time and I slap her behind and she didn’t seem displeased by it at all. So I driver her back to her car cuz she had to go and that was it for the night. She texted me hearts and goodnight wanting to know I made it home. Next morning I text her and I’m not blocked :D and she tells me she was just going to text me so we talk and our having a good convo and she knew I was starting a new job that day. I ended up asking if she’d like to go to the movies and she said if she isn’t tired those days so I say nvm and she hits me with ok. So I tell her that I’ll give her a text later and I hope she has a great at work as I was trying to learn my new coworkers. She texts back “before you go I have a question?” I say yea what’s up she then proceeds to ask if we should see other people as we only know eachother and I kinda flipped but not really and asked if she wanted an open relationship and totally got off that topic to state that what if we would be separated and not together again and I start saying stuff and she then switches to that she wants to stop crying every night and feeling like PLEASE READ and she wants to know if she walks away she won’t miss me. And then I do alittle plea and she states it gonna take time and if not then walk away and that she’s gonna take the stand and walk away herself now so I proceeded to tell her that I knew she was going to do this so that’s why I didn’t cancel my date I had that weekend(I decided it’d be best to maybe experience another girl after she sent me that text about not wanting me on my birthday so I took that to heart like most people would and assumed she was serious because who would say that and not mean it) she then replies with “ you have a date with someone” and I said yes you told me to move on so I’m trying and I want to experience other people just like she does so she respond with she should have never talked to me again and the relationship didn’t mean anything to me and that she was blocking me and she’s done and goodbye. That was on a Friday not even a week and a half ago and it’s been silence since. Why do you guys think of this? Am I gonna be subject to more stuff even tho I don’t play into it anymore?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Wow, that's a lot.  Before we get into relationships, let's check in on where you're at personally.  Are you sober and avoiding alcohol or other drugs?  Are you working?  Do you have healthy friends you see regularly?  Basically, how's everything going besides relationships?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Well we both were huge stoners and I’ve dropped that habit but still do it with friends once ina while. I still drink everyday but maybe a beer or two. I am in therapy also from this(started cuz she recommended also my mom because she’s worried about me) I am working. Successful car salesman so far at 24. 3 years in so far. I don’t have to many friends so relying on family for support mostly and one of my female friends. And besides the relationship not to bad other then regular stuff that comes up. Just hate not knowing where I stand. I feel like if she dropped off the face of he earth it’d be easier to move on

[Radcliff]

Yes, it's really tough to not know where you stand.  Where would you like things to be?  Would you like to be in a relationship with her where you're only seeing each other?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Yea it is and that’s the confusing part. I do want to be with her and I believe she may be seeing someone now even tho she says she isn’t. I am seeing someone but not for a relationship and this started before she left. She caught me particularly with this girl months ago

[Chicagobloo]

She seen text messages

[Radcliff]

If you'd like to be back with her, your chances are likely better if you are not seeing the other woman.  Do you have other non-romantic sources of support (friends, family, etc.) you can turn to?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Yes I do. But if my ex is seeing someone else at this point I feel like I have no chances but her actions make me feel like she still has feeling for me. Idk I don’t want to be an option

[Chicagobloo]

And also idk if no contact is going to help

[Radcliff]

How long have you been no contact?  Can you tell us more about how it came to be and why you're no contact?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Well she blocked me so I left it. I did make my fb profile public to see if she was looking and next day she’s texting me something about a post that related to her but was funny. She’s still contacting me now regularly but haven’t responded till tonight’s calls and texts but 30 mins later and I’m blocked again. Quiet ridiculous atm. She’s told me that she doesn’t know who she is without me. But all manipulation I believe

[Chicagobloo]

I have t talked to her in 3 weeks but she’s messaged me quiet a few times this last week very emotionally but also blaming me for her not being good enough. Then starts a convo about a security deposit she doesn’t have to message me for(she has landlords number) and I went no contact after she told me if we should see other people and I made the date comment. I’m not gonna be recycled again

[Radcliff]

You didn't say too much about the content of her messages that you weren't responding to, but it sounds like they might have been blaming and negative? 

At this point, how do you feel about pursuing a relationship with her?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Well she was upset and insulting me about a post I made on Facebook so I deleted it and didn’t respond. She then messaged me me having a good time and that I didn’t change while I was with her but now I do. She really wouldn’t know as we don’t see eachother. Then the guilt tripping about why she wasn’t good enough started and how she quit her job because she’s so depressed about me. And begged for me to respond but I didn’t and mentioned how our anniversary is coming up and it hurts. I don’t want to be sucked in again

[Radcliff]

Ten days ago, you said you'd like to be with her.  Today you said you don't want to be sucked in again.  Issues of the heart are complicated, so your feelings may be pulling in different directions.  Can you tell us more about where you are with the question of being in a relationship with her?

You've described her as manipulative.  Could an alternate explanation be that she's a woman in pain who has challenges being consistent and effective in relationships?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

I do want to be with her but I don’t want to be played. And she may be hurt but idk how to approach her anymore to make things better. She talks to me during certain times and then blocks which makes me think she moved on to someone else but her constant contact tells me otherwise idk

[Radcliff]

You say you don't want to be played.  I can certainly understand your need to trust in a relationship, to be able to count on it. 

The idea of her "playing" you suggests an image of her working to a plan, and in control of things.  Does she seem like she's working to a plan, or muddling through as best she can?  People who are in control and people who are out of control can both pose risks.  It's important to understand why type of situation you are dealing with in order to deal with it most effectively.

RC

[Chicagobloo]

It doesn’t seem like she has a plan but does seem like she’s messaging me secretly. But for the most part I feel like she’s doing the best she can but having a very hard time letting go herself if she does at all. Still haven’t replied after being blocked again. Irk maybe I should try a different avenue. At this point I’m experimenting to see what works best

[Radcliff]

Would she meet with you face-to-face?  You could extend a gentle invitation for something safe and easy like lunch, coffee, or a walk in a park.  Messaging is a pretty ineffective way to resolve issues, especially relationship issues. 

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Well we met up 3 times and 2 of the times we were going to reconcile or atleast work on that and she acted different the next day and didn’t want too. Idk I still haven’t messaged her yet so at this point we aren’t speaking but it’s been 3 days so I’m bound to hear from her again soon

[Radcliff]

Twice she agreed to reconcile and then didn't follow through.  What are your thoughts on that?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

I believe she’s trying to keep my as a back up to her new person. Or we are so trauma bonded she can’t let go. I just feel that if this new person was all great she wouldn’t be contacting me saying the things she’s saying but then again she has bpd I’m almost certain so yea . I’m a priority not an option especially for someone who doesn’t have much going on in life

[Radcliff]

OK, that helps us better understand things.  It sounds like you'd be interested in a relationship with her if she were available, but it doesn't seem like she really is right now.  What are your thoughts on how to proceed?

RC

[Chicagobloo]

Been away for awhile but have an update : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339875.msg13079694#msg13079694