Part 2 Is Light as a Fairly approach even possible w/a raging aggressive Non-quiet BPD

[PeaceMom]

*mod note: this thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338657.0

Will check out these resources. A parent coach sounds like a Fairy Godmother-just lovely!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bluemoon23]

@Peacemom exactly! And I was thinking to meet alone first and then together with my son.

The Family Navigator told me someone she knows used the Parent Coach and it was used with the whole family so they all understood the what,why, how as a family. I believe that included mom, dad, and siblings. And their son is out of their house now I think.

I thought as a single mom this would help me. We shall see as i investigate this too.

[PeacefulMom]

PeaceMom,
Perhaps as you can tell from my similar handle, I am wishing for peace but also struggling with an adult son BPD36, who is still with me and still angry and raging much of the time.  I try to research, try different strategies - but everything I seem to try goes nowhere.  I'm not saying this as an excuse, as I have none and probably have caused some of this because of my past enabling behaviors.  I read with interest the "light as a fairy" approach and in fact tried it over the summer.  The results were good at first, and then things got worse - and I would say he's really gone rogue.  There is stuff everywhere:  His room is filled with dust and dirty laundry, the small spare bedroom where he spends most of his time behind a closed door (which I am not allowed to violate) is full of layers of stuff that has been there for 2 years), and the garage is now covered with junk. 

My son is so bright (141 IQ!), and a good person at his core.  But he can be very aggressive, has a violent temper, and has said similar "wish you were dead" things to me - also coming at me and hurting me last fall - when he was kicked out for several months, but I let him come back conditionally after his dad's girlfriend came to visit. 

He seems to have an internet addiction (are there others with this problem with adult kids living at home?), smokes as much pot as he can get his hands on, and has now said he won't go to school this fall (hasn't for the past 2 years), won't get a regular job, and won't see a therapist.  He does take meds for depression and anxiety.

I'm teetering on the edge and I know it.  I feel I will implode, am starting to drink more wine in the evening in the last 6 months, and struggle to keep up with anything.  I know my son would never survive on the street, and has threatened suicide (nearly succeeded once), so I am fearful for him.  I love him with all my heart, but am at the point of acceptance.  I may need to resign myself to this life into the future.

All the best wishes to you!

[PeaceMom]

Oh Peaceful,
My heart hurts for you. Unfortunately, I know a thing or two about serious MH diagnoses and your description of his room make me think of a phase wherein hygiene and self care are almost nonexistent. I know he has to see a PDoc if he’s on anti anxiety meds, right? Would you consider emailing the Pdoc and letting him know about the hoarding, cleanliness issues? These can be symptoms of more than just anxiety and/or depression.

Have you taken the Family to Family class thru NAMI? You can get support in that group. NAR-anon is another support group. You may need to try a few different meetings before you find one that you like.  You are in great pain and need support. I think you are very brave to talk about trying to escApe some of this pain with alcohol. I totally understand.

How can we support you right now? You sound like an amazing, loving mom.

[PeacefulMom]

PM, thank you for your kind and supportive words!

I admit that I feel alone and helpless, and the BPD family is my main lifeline.  I will check out those resources you suggested.  I'm not usually a "joiner," but I'm not ready to give up.

I don't think my son is a hoarder, just so undisciplined that he covers every surface area with stuff and doesn't even seem to see it.  He has been playing video games all night and sleeping in the "workroom" rather than his bed, even though I ask him to please just sleep in his nice bed.  He just leans the already-broken door up against the door frame and spends most of his time there.  He is so very oppositional that any suggestion or request from me is usually met with him going the other direction, or hostility.  (This is why I was saying that the "light as a fairy" seemed to work at first, they he just seemed more out of control.  He was to go to school - so important for him to just finish even two classes a semester, but now he says he doesn't want to.  I was at least hoping to nudge him in that direction, but again this just seems another thing I need to let go of.)

Last night he was violently angry with me when he asked for some money and I said he would need to earn it.  He nearly broke the front door, frightened me, and I finally gave in when he said he would weed the yard as promised in the morning (I have a natural yard, no pesticides).  I'm afraid one day I will need to call the police.  Florida law changed in 2018 such that any level assault against a senior has been elevated generally to a felony with a minimum of 3 years in prison, without exception (although there may be one for confirmed mental illness).  I am 71.  He would never survive prison.

I know you and so many other parents on this site are in pain, perhaps the greatest heartache many of us have ever endured.  I am sometimes afraid for how all of this will end, but there are periods of calm, even good days that keep me going.  Thankfully, you all are here.

I will do more reading, and try new strategies.  I so much appreciate your support and encouragement!

 

[PeaceMom]

I’m not a joiner either, but sometimes face to face support is just right. I know FLA has good drug recovery and MH support.
I have many friends there who are very involved in these groups.

How can you set some boundaries for you wellbeing and safety?  What options do you have? If you feel backed into a corner, then a therapist might offer sound advice. For me, just having a choice and another option is freeing, even if I never choose that other option.

What about your self care? Can you try mindfulness, yoga, walking, gardening, book club, art class?

We are good at brainstorming here in this group!

[PeacefulMom]

PM,
Thank you again for being so supportive.  I think I will be okay; the drama and violence are so traumatizing that it's hard to come up for air - but I'm a survivor. 

My dilemma is what to do about my DS36, who is not now in school or working, earning no income, but needing money for gas, miscellaneous life supplies - and wanting it for pot at least once a week.  He is now actively cleaning things up, starting with the workroom and laundry. 

He has to go stay at his Dad's in one week (as he will travel out of the country and there are pets to care for).  This is usually a welcome respite and break, although he usually still coasts and makes huge messes, cleaning them up a day before his Dad is due back.

I so badly want to get my son to get moving toward some self-sufficiency - even just making a few dollars a week so that he can pull himself up and have some hope for independence.  I thought the "light as a fairy" approach over the summer was working so I could nudge him toward school - but, again, I fear it just allowed him to coast so that when I mentioned the school in early August he felt pressured and that has driven him farther off the rails.  (Am I making any sense here...?)  He is so on edge now that there is drama each day, sometimes with things getting broken.

He did say that if he could not do things on his own (which he always says he wants to do), he would agree to see a therapist.  Now he says he won't, and that he can't be forced to.   I'm hoping that with his Dad we can come up with something so that he doesn't end up on the street.

Just holding on now...!

[PeaceMom]

Peaceful,
Reading this sounds like he is filled with shame over not being able to truly be independent, yet not seeing a way out. “Loving Someone w/BPD” talks about a condition called “apparent competence” where we all assume they should be able to perform/function at a certain level, but in actuality, they are not equipped.
If he’s lacking competence in certain areas (my son is too) then how can we help them learn competency? It seems so odd retracting skills we thought they mastered many years ago. It is a perplexing thing. It seems odd that my kid with an Associates Degree would go to a life skills class or have a life coach.
He’d be way too prideful to admit his need for this.

The book also talks about skills not always being transferable to different situations. The example she gives is trained whales at Seaworld are put into a different pool in a different location and they can’t perform their basic skills. She likens our PwBPD struggling with this greatly.

I’ve decided there is absolutely a spectrum w/BPD-high functioning to low functioning. We, parents w/low functioners seem to have these huge added challenges to sort thru that are different than those w/high functioning pwBPD’s.  My issue, like yours (and certain others here) are about basic survival skills for our kids. We need ideas and resources. Lollipop has written specifically about how she dealt with this. I believe her DS is a quiet BPD who gained specific technical skills thru some type of certification program. Are there any others who can shed light on lowfunctioning BPDs gaining semi-independence?

Have you considered government disability? My DS24 BP1 has it.

[PeaceMom]

*reteaching (not retracting) -sry I do all this in my phone and autocorrect makes me appear illiterate!

[PeacefulMom]

Thank you for this insightful information - and your thoughts, PM.

This perspective helps me to more deeply think things through.  Last night, we had a "crying talk," where my son was so sorry over some things that went down this week (lots of violent outbursts).  He keeps saying he's a bad person, and I have to remind him that, no, he is a very good, caring, and loving person who just sometimes gets perhaps overwhelmed and loses his temper.  He always seems mad at himself as he thinks he is always disappointing everyone.  (This doesn't make the hostility and aggressiveness any easier when it happens, but at least my son knows he is defensive sometimes - and how this feeling makes him become more oppositional.)  He also keeps convincing himself that he is so late "getting started" that he feels it is a waste of energy and that perhaps it is easier for him to give up on any ambitions in life, but I try to encourage as I don't think this matters much in today's world.

PM, how did you get the government support?  My son may need to have the full evaluation to get the diagnosis again, as we have no paperwork.  Woe is me, because it is so hard to get him there.  Any support would help and could cover some of his expenses.

All good wishes for a great week -

[PeaceMom]

Peaceful,
You loving, kindness is important. Keep that up. We just called the U.S. social security/disability main number and it will lead you thru. We did have a lot of medical evidence of his Bipolar disorder. We also had to show proof of necessity to quit work bc of unstable periods.
It is certainly worth a call on your part. He would likely be sent to a clinical psychologist by SS office for an evaluation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders