Early stages of dating BPD woman after being destroyed by uBPDx

[cleverusername]

Hey all. So I found this forum to be super helpful for me when I was dealing with my breakup with my uBPD ex 5 years ago. Well, I started dating someone new about a month ago and she recently told me that a few months back she was diagnosed with BPD...

I'm not really sure how I should move forward at this point. My uBPD ex ruined me for a solid year plus, but at the same time that was my first real relationship and I feel much better equipped to handle this new woman. I've already started to kind of distance myself a bit mentally. She is definitely in a much better place than my ex, given that she is on medication and in therapy, but still some of her behavior has given me some flashbacks of my ex.

For one, she has already told me 3 times that she's not sure we're compatible (for very insignificant reasons) and I had to talk her out of it basically. And a few times she took something I said as me not caring enough about her, when that was really not the case. For instance, I texted asking about something that she said the day prior, but I partially misremembered what she said. We were only texting but I got the vibe that it upset her that I didn't remember what she had said EXACTLY. It gave me a bit of that walking on eggshells vibe, but the good news is that me ex taught me that these things are not my fault, and it's her disorder that causes her to be this way (plus I have my guard up emotionally). Even so, I know that I can only put up with that type of behavior for so long.

I'm not really sure what sort of feedback I'm looking to receive here haha, I guess I just wanted to chat about this situation with people who have been through these sorts of relationships. If anyone who has tried dating someone with BPD after already having been destroyed by one in the past, I'd like to hear what the experience was like and maybe you can give me some pointers!

[Turkish]

What are your thoughts about utilizing the communication tools in lesson at the top of the Bettering Board? Did you attempt to validate when she reacted, or fall back to reacting how you would have previously? Now you know a lot more than you did and the tools are here, as well as the support. 

[Notwendy]

For one, she has already told me 3 times that she's not sure we're compatible (for very insignificant reasons) and I had to talk her out of it basically.


Why would you talk her out of it? This sounds invalidating to me. You two are in the early stage of getting to know each other. Maybe you are compatible, maybe not, but taking an honest look at this will tell.

Her reasons may seem insignificant to you, but if she's concerned about them, they aren't insignificant to her.

Some people here speak of ignoring red flags and then issues arise. Red flags can be about either of you. If she's expressing concerns and you are talking her out of her own feelings- then you are already deciding that the two of you are compatible no matter what she thinks. This isn't about you or her, but the red flag that could be here is the pattern between you. She says something and you are negating it. Will this be an " I wish I had listened" a year from now?

[Cat Familiar]

After I divorced an extreme BPD husband, a few years later I married another one, fortunately with less intense traits.

Was someone in your family of origin a pwBPD? So many of us who had a parent with BPD will end up in BPD relationships.

Knowing what you now know, why are you open to experiencing this again? What keeps you from dating an emotionally healthy woman? And why are you so determined to pursue this relationship and negate her concerns about compatibility?

[pest947]

For one, she has already told me 3 times that she's not sure we're compatible (for very insignificant reasons) and I had to talk her out of it basically.


Why would you talk her out of it? This sounds invalidating to me. You two are in the early stage of getting to know each other. Maybe you are compatible, maybe not, but taking an honest look at this will tell.

Her reasons may seem insignificant to you, but if she's concerned about them, they aren't insignificant to her.

While this maybe true. I have run into this twice with my BPD loved one and they were very insignificant and not actually true.

The first time she said we "don't even like the same foods." No we don't like all of the same foods, who does? We never had a problem finding a restaurant or picking a meal and did enjoy many of the same things.

The Second time it was that "We didn't have the same sense of humor." Also untrue, there are plenty of shows and humor that we enjoyed together.

In my case these concerns she raised were when I was being split and it felt like it was her looking for reasons to justify feelings I know that even she doesn't fully understand. Were and are back together after these concerns were raised and they never came up again.

Us "non BPDs" that are here are here because someone we deeply love has these traits and it can make things really tough. We are here for advice and help with making it work because we love them and not to demonize or sooth our own feelings.