New here. Looking for community and encouragement

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I have stumbled on an old friend and old love interest again in my life. 25 years after we first met, we ran into each other in a store and shortly after it was a whirlwind! The history we had, made it very easy to feel comfortable so soon. And he was fast at laying on the praise and envy. I was newly divorced so the attention was easily welcomed. Anyway, fast forward 2 years and here we are. I love him like crazy and we are like 2 kids again in this  crazy passionate relationship that we have. We have fun, we are the best of friends and we share so many similarities. Yet, we fight almost once a week! And not just a 'hang up on you, I'm mad fight. Like a 'it's over, don't ever call me again' fight. And typically it is very difficult on my end to even understand what started the fight. It is always so crazy and chaotic that I can't make sense of it. And it typically starts at the drop of a hat. In the past, it has lasted (almost like clockwork) for 3 days and then he would call and confess his unacceptable behavior, we would make up and have this long 3 hour, intimate conversation about how to make it better and what steps to take to avoid it in the future. It would always feel promising. That was then. Lately (in the last few months) it lasts longer because I truly, truly try to leave him. But for some reason I always find my way back. So, you may ask, what behaviors does he exhibit? It is almost difficult to explain because they are so out there with very little reasoning. I know, if you read the description of BPD he pretty much falls right in there. I thought maybe he was Bipolar, but he doesn't swing so up and down and his moods last very short, in comparison with Bipolar. He seems to lack any empathy and has a very difficult time recognizing his part in anything. He fears abandonment, immensely! Which also goes back to his upbringing. He does not trust and accuses me of crazy stuff that he makes up. He ALWAYS projects. It is probably the main thing that makes me feel so crazy and chaotic. Instead of sending me a text to say "I love you." He will send me a text that says "What, no love?" So as to make it my fault for not sending a text first. It sounds crazy, but I'm hoping you all understand because it is hard to explain to those that do not. All of his past relationships have seemed, by his account, very chaotic as well. Yet he blames it all on his ex's. I have never heard him take any ownership for the mishaps in the past. Even relationships with family and his own children are tumultuous. Yet, as crazy as he is, I love the crud out of him. He is the person I look forward to everyday. It almost feels wrong and possibly fueled by some crazy psychological twisted-ness.

I'm sorry, that was a super long run-on post. I'm going to leave it there and I can elaborate on anything if need be. Any advice, criticism or encouragement is

[Coasteroflove]

So, I have stumbled on an old friend and old love interest again in my life. 25 years after we first met, we ran into each other in a store and shortly after it was a whirlwind! The history we had, made it very easy to feel comfortable so soon. And he was fast at laying on the praise and envy. I was newly divorced so the attention was easily welcomed. Anyway, fast forward 2 years and here we are. I love him like crazy and we are like 2 kids again in this  crazy passionate relationship that we have. We have fun, we are the best of friends and we share so many similarities. Yet, we fight almost once a week! And not just a 'hang up on you, I'm mad fight. Like a 'it's over, don't ever call me again' fight. And typically it is very difficult on my end to even understand what started the fight. It is always so crazy and chaotic that I can't make sense of it. And it typically starts at the drop of a hat. In the past, it has lasted (almost like clockwork) for 3 days and then he would call and confess his unacceptable behavior, we would make up and have this long 3 hour, intimate conversation about how to make it better and what steps to take to avoid it in the future. It would always feel promising. That was then. Lately (in the last few months) it lasts longer because I truly, truly try to leave him. But for some reason I always find my way back. So, you may ask, what behaviors does he exhibit? It is almost difficult to explain because they are so out there with very little reasoning. I know, if you read the description of BPD he pretty much falls right in there. I thought maybe he was Bipolar, but he doesn't swing so up and down and his moods last very short, in comparison with Bipolar. He seems to lack any empathy and has a very difficult time recognizing his part in anything. He fears abandonment, immensely! Which also goes back to his upbringing. He does not trust and accuses me of crazy stuff that he makes up. He ALWAYS projects. It is probably the main thing that makes me feel so crazy and chaotic. Instead of sending me a text to say "I love you." He will send me a text that says "What, no love?" So as to make it my fault for not sending a text first. It sounds crazy, but I'm hoping you all understand because it is hard to explain to those that do not. All of his past relationships have seemed, by his account, very chaotic as well. Yet he blames it all on his ex's. I have never heard him take any ownership for the mishaps in the past. Even relationships with family and his own children are tumultuous. Yet, as crazy as he is, I love the crud out of him. He is the person I look forward to everyday. It almost feels wrong and possibly fueled by some crazy psychological twisted-ness.

I'm sorry, that was a super long run-on post. I'm going to leave it there and I can elaborate on anything if need be. Any advice, criticism or encouragement is

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi coasteroflove and

I'm sorry that you are experiencing such a difficult time in your relationship. You have found a safe space to share with others who are walking similar paths, and I think if you read some of the other threads around here you will quickly find you are not alone. We get it here.

There are many great resources on this site to help with communicating with your pwbpd (person with BPD). A good place to start are these two here:

Ending Conflict

and

Don't Be Invalidating

I hope you will settle in, read and respond to others' posts, and check out the resources here. We're glad to have you, and again, welcome to the family!

Redeemed