BPD husband assaulted D16

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337775.0

Hi Ff and Asking why,
I have been quiet, tired, exhausted and burnt out from the past 3 months. I was also afraid to jinx ubpdh being quiet on his baseline. Until two hours ago, when he got exceedingly violent and ended up physically assisting d16. She has been out in the past several days visiting her friend. Today after extracurricular activity she wanted to spend some time with the same friend. Ubpdh who was triggered, admittedly by me, forbade for her to go out demanding she came home. Upon her return she set beside him as he was having dinner and started pressing him as to why she wasn’t allowed to spend time with her friend. Without an explanation he started screaming profanities to get the f out and go to her room. She didn’t stop pressing and instead kept on asking why. What happened next is kind of a blur, I wasn’t quick to jump in between them. He rose and pushed her off of the bar stool she was sitting on (high) she fell sideways on her bottom first, then twisted her torso and hit the side of the wall/fireplace with her head. I heard her body hitting  the floor and jumped to pick her up, but I wasn’t fast enough. She already hit her head. She began crying, this poor grown girl, dismayed, confused, hurt. He started yelling “if anyone doesn’t like something get the f out of house”, after my dad ran towards us and made sure we got safely away upstairs from ubpdh. My dad tried to tell unpdh to never raise his hands on us but he just told him off.
It’s one thing when he hurts me, which is unacceptable as it is. How can I protect my children. I’m tempted to call the police and report him, while taking d16 to the emergency to validate a significant hematoma on her head. I am also concerned that with millions of dollars stashed away on his crypto wallet that no one has an access to but ubpdh he will not get anything more then a slap on his wrist. We just saw another friend of his walk away “clean” paying off his lawyers, presenting his wife As a monster. WhAt is the right way to deal with this? How do I talk to my d16? This isn’t parental love! He buys her a high end car, two weeks later he slams her into the wall. He could have potentially killed her if he pushed harder. She could have split her skull. I’m going to take her to the doctor tomorrow regardless, but what do I do legally?

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337775.0

Hi Ff and Asking why,
I have been quiet, tired, exhausted and burnt out from the past 3 months. I was also afraid to jinx ubpdh being quiet on his baseline. Until two hours ago, when he got exceedingly violent and ended up physically assisting d16. She has been out in the past several days visiting her friend. Today after extracurricular activity she wanted to spend some time with the same friend. Ubpdh who was triggered, admittedly by me, forbade for her to go out demanding she came home. Upon her return she set beside him as he was having dinner and started pressing him as to why she wasn’t allowed to spend time with her friend. Without an explanation he started screaming profanities to get the f out and go to her room. She didn’t stop pressing and instead kept on asking why. What happened next is kind of a blur, I wasn’t quick to jump in between them. He rose and pushed her off of the bar stool she was sitting on (high) she fell sideways on her bottom first, then twisted her torso and hit the side of the wall/fireplace with her head. I heard her body hitting  the floor and jumped to pick her up, but I wasn’t fast enough. She already hit her head. She began crying, this poor grown girl, dismayed, confused, hurt. He started yelling “if anyone doesn’t like something get the f out of house”, after my dad ran towards us and made sure we got safely away upstairs from ubpdh. My dad tried to tell unpdh to never raise his hands on us but he just told him off.
It’s one thing when he hurts me, which is unacceptable as it is. How can I protect my children. I’m tempted to call the police and report him, while taking d16 to the emergency to validate a significant hematoma on her head. I am also concerned that with millions of dollars stashed away on his crypto wallet that no one has an access to but ubpdh he will not get anything more then a slap on his wrist. We just saw another friend of his walk away “clean” paying off his lawyers, presenting his wife As a monster. WhAt is the right way to deal with this? How do I talk to my d16? This isn’t parental love! He buys her a high end car, two weeks later he slams her into the wall. He could have potentially killed her if he pushed harder. She could have split her skull. I’m going to take her to the doctor tomorrow regardless, but what do I do legally?

[I Am Redeemed]

I would absolutely take her to the ER and tell them exactly what happened, and report it to the police. Whatever legal consequences he gets, at least you will have this documented, and if you don't it may come back on you as "failing to protect" your minor child.

I'm so sorry this happened.   

[ct21218]

Your husband assaulted your daughter.  Call the police and get a restraining order to keep him out of the house.  Who cares about hidden money when your family is in jeopardy.   This is escalating and there needs to be a record of his behavior.

[formflier]

Absolutely report it to the police, ER and any other authority.  The more authorities looking at this situation..the better.

Better he gets a slap on the wrist and stops..rather than nothing...and then next time it's not just a bruise. 

What if nothing is done and a skull is cracked open "next time".

 

FF

[snowglobe]

He looks trap, sheepishly looking, sitting on the couch and waiting. Is he waiting for me to call the police? To start reprimanding him? He is also super nice to the other child, playing and coddling him. Re running it in my head I think he just wanted to scare her to go to her room as stop pressing him to go out. He didn’t expect her to fall off or hit the wAll under that angle. But she did! And she could have been seriously hurt. I think I’m gonna go to walk in just to make sure there isn’t any concussion or swelling. I despise  him as a human being. Pathetic and miserable. Full of physical force but no love or compassion. When he came home I made a mistake of talking to him about his foo. They have been reaching out with the sense of entitlement to his reaches which I have been putting under the question. I’ve been asking him to go on a vacation as a family just us and the kids. Mistake. I have triggered him and he took it out on unsuspecting d16. I didn’t react fast enough to protect her. I can’t even react as I should by getting a restraining order for her and my little guy. I have to do everything by the book so I don’t go risking loosing their custody. He is insanely rich, clever and cunning. Recently he said non chelantly that if he ever got incarcerated, he would still be fine as he stashed it all away and would keep it safe until he got out. I’ve seen his stash on his computer a few times. It exists and it’s real. My children are also real. I live in a system where money hires the best legal representation. People who are horrid abusers don’t get punished. They bleed their families dry and keep on walking. I’m not leaving my kids side. After I check my daughter out, I will be thinking what next. He isn’t trying to come up and apologize. Never had. Not when he almost took my eye out. Not when he punched and kicked me in the chest ( I found out  3 weeks ago that my implant was raptured and I needed another surgery to replace it, when the doctor asked what had happened, I remembered that fateful night 4 years ago). Now he got to our child. I need to leave this mister

[formflier]

One step at a time.

Take her to the ER.  Report it to them and ask for their help to report it to the authorities.

Top priority...get medical care for you child.  Can yo do that right now..? 

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

D16 is begging me not to call the police and that she is fine. “I don’t want them to take dad away”. She is crying telling me she is ok. I can see that she is scared. I’m trying to remain calm and not scare her. She is begging me to promise I won’t tell anyone what happened. How do I deal with this? Is she scared of hiring him? Or is she scared of him? How do I speak to her in a gentle way but still make a report? She is a teen, I want to be sensitive to her. I’m taking her to the walk in clinic, so she isn’t intimidated. How could this happen? It’s my fault. I’ve kept quiet and did not report him with everything he had done to me. I have indirectly given him permission to do this again

[snowglobe]

One step at a time.

Take her to the ER.  Report it to them and ask for their help to report it to the authorities.

Top priority...get medical care for you child.  Can yo do that right now..? 

Best,

FF

I’m at the walk in urgent care clinic. Waiting for her to be called.

[formflier]

Make no promises to her.

This is an adult decision.  

Tell her you will talk to her after seeing the doctor and getting checked out.  No more discussion until then.

Seriously...medical care first.  Ask them for help making the report to authorities.  Do not ask them in front of her.

This is an adult decision.  Leave her out of it.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Good you are at the clinic.  Privately tell a nurse or doctor you need help contact the authorities.    They can call for you and likely arrange a private place for you to talk to them.

Just tell the story.

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I’m at the walk in urgent care clinic. Waiting for her to be called.

Sending you strength, snowglobe. You're doing the right thing.  

[formflier]

I have indirectly given him permission to do this again

And if he doesn't get reported now...that is permission to continue doing it.

Follow your thinking...what will happen next?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Make no promises to her.

This is an adult decision.  

Tell her you will talk to her after seeing the doctor and getting checked out.  No more discussion until then.

Seriously...medical care first.  Ask them for help making the report to authorities.  Do not ask them in front of her.

This is an adult decision.  Leave her out of it.

Best,

FF

They are busy so it will be a wait to be seen. How do I go about her being interviewed by authorities. They will want to speak to her. She is trembling.

[snowglobe]

I’m not coming home until he is gone. I hope they escort him out of the house in handcuffs for the whole neighbourhood to see. This is where I draw the line

[Turkish]

I didn’t react fast enough to protect her. I can’t even react as I should by getting a restraining order for her and my little guy

This isn't your fault.

Take her either to the ER or Urgent Care. Take pictures now. Tell them the truth.   They will report it for you.  There are three witnesses and physical evidence. This won't be on you, but on him.

My son fell off the bed  years ago.  In the morning, he had signs of a concussion. He had a skull fracture and a hematoma on the brain.  Head trauma shouldn't be taken lightly. For a day,  we thought he needed skull surgery. They kept him over night.  2 CAT scans.

[snowglobe]

This isn't your fault.

Take her either to the ER or Urgent Care. Take pictures now. Tell them the truth.   They will report it for you.  There are three witnesses and physical evidence. This won't be on you, but on him.

My son fell off the bed  years ago.  In the morning, he had signs of a concussion. He had a skull fracture and a hematoma on the brain.  Head trauma shouldn't be taken lightly. For a day,  we thought he needed skull surgery. They kept him over night.  2 CAT scans.

We are waiting to be seen, she is tired from crying. I assured her that we will only check it out. Keeping my promises to a minimum. I will tell them what happened and let them call the authorities.

[Turkish]

I glad you took her in, and I hope that y'all are ok and safe   

[Cat Familiar]

I’m glad you’re at the clinic. Head injuries can be deceptive at first. I thought I was OK after I fainted and struck my head, and my concussion symptoms began a day after I was seen in the Emergency Room.

Tell them the truth. It’s important.

 
Cat

[snowglobe]

I feel overwhelming sense of guilt. If I had reported him when he did what he did to me she would be here. He would be afraid to hurt her, I’m just as responsible for this as he is. What kind of example will my son have in front of him if he sees women being repeatedly physically assaulted. For those of you who read these posts, women and men like me. Please know, that you can’t marginalize physical abuse. If you think this will only stop at you, you are WRONG AND MISTAKEN. You are allowing the perpetrator to go on without any consequences. Your children see and hear everything. Even if they don’t get hurt themselves, they grown up in the environment where it’s considered to be a norm or a dirty secret no one talks about. Do they right thing for them if not for yourself. I could have ended this two years ago, but it took my child being hurt to do something about it.

[GaGrl]

I just came in on this.

I think your social and medical set few have the same guidelines as ours regarding which positions are mandatory reporters -- doctors, nurses, teachers, school counselors, etc. You definitely should get assistance from the urgent care staff to report the domestic violence.

Don't be surprised if the urgent care refers you to Emergency -- they may need equipment for a scan that isn't available at the urgent care.

If necessary, you can tell your daughter -- only after the report is in progress -- that as mandatory reporters, they had to let the police interview and report.

As part of the interview, don't hold back. Give them specific dates and history of all incidents and is injuries and subsequent medical treatment required.

I am so sorry. You thought you had more time to prepare.

[I Am Redeemed]

snowglobe,

The reasons for staying in an abusive r/s and not reporting abuse are very complex and it can be overwhelming to make healthy decisions while constantly under the emotional and mental strain. You're pushing past all that now which is a breakthrough and a very brave thing to do.

[Radcliff]

Hang in there Snowglobe.  FF had good advice about this being an adult decision.  You must report what happened.  In my country you would have a legal obligation to do so, called "duty to care."  I don't know how it works in your country.  Just tell the complete truth.  It's time for the authorities to be involved.  I know this is hard.  I can understand how the guilt can hit from all directions.  Guilty feelings if you report, guilty feelings if you don't report.  Shed the burden of being responsible for everything.  Just follow the rules and allow yourself and your family to receive help, and allow the natural consequences of his actions to play out.

RC

[snowglobe]

Thank you for ongoing support, she has been assessed and cleared. I was offered a ct scan but the doctor does not see any urgency at the moment. It appears to be a superficial scrape when she went sideways. I will fill you in on the details later, but it didn’t go as I had hoped it would. D tried to minimize the incident by “he did it accidentally”, “I was arguing and mouthy” , “it didn’t hurt that much”, “mom is overreacting”, “I feel safe at home”. Social worker was called and I had to repeat the same thing I said before. I got a bad vibe from her, the way she spoke to me seemed like I was the one who did it. Unbelievable! I get that they see these things daily, but she was scanning me with such mistrust that I felt violated. I was given an option to be escorted by the police back home or go somewhere to stay while they investigate. Since d assured that there wasn’t any imminent danger, they looked at me like I’m some hysterical unhinged woman. My son and dad are already asleep at home, we went to spend the night at the relative. I was told that they will pay a visit home to speak to him, I wonder if my son will be awoken and questioned. This system is a horrendous machine! I will be seeking an advise for myself in case they go after me as well. Truthfully, I understand why people handle these matters privately. This burocraric machine is moving slowly and people who are getting tax payers money to serve and protect act all accusatory and judgementally. At least she is ok, but mad at me and pouting. Asked me if she can go out now?. I’m out of my depth. They have my contact and I imagine they will be calling soon. Nasty feeling from what happened, especially after such emotionally painful experience for her and I

[snowglobe]

THere isn’t any cure for physical abuse, that I know for certain. You can’t reason with the person who isn’t willing to hold themselves accountable for their actions. I’m sure he is scared and anxious. I would be surprised if he is still home. Cas will pay a visit and both kids will be questioned. I’m extremely worried as my little guys is with special needs and hope they take it into consideration. It’s been a rough night for all of us. I’m disheartened..

[Turkish]

The bureaucrats can be  .

However, you did the right thing and according to what you both should and could do. 

My ex's little sister told the school something.  They reported. CPS went to their home and everyone covered it up.  Case closed. The abuse by violent dad continued for a few years. You have already done better than my ex's mom did. And  what you have done was a brave and right thing to do. 

I know that you feel guilt over the past, but you've done the right thing now. None of this is easy to say the least.

[Radcliff]

It is not surprising that D is minimizing.  That is what people do when they are in a dysfunctional relationship and are scared to lose the good things they see in it.  This is a bad pattern for her to take into her future relationships.  By being brave and telling the truth you are working against that pattern.  The pattern is pretty deeply ingrained in both of you.  This won't be easy, but keep telling the truth.  

The folks in the system really don't have great tools available to them to solve this problem.  To paraphrase FF, "they will do what they will do."  You did your part by reporting the incident.  Continue reporting and not minimizing, including incidents involving you.  Folks in those agencies are very sensitive to signs of inconsistency.

Does the local DV agency have counseling services available for D?  Are you getting support from a local DV agency currently, as in, do you have regular contact with them?

RC

[Witz_End]

I wish you luck, SnowGlobe.  Hang in there.  Hopefully they'll pull their heads our of their collective butts and handle it right for you.

I imagine it's a nightmare of a night, but breathe.  This will pass.

[AskingWhy]

SG, I am so very, very sorry this happened.      Stepchildren can be trying and very annoying as teens, but nothing--nothing--ever warrants abuse.

This is assault your H perpetrated on your D.  I concur with others here to report the behaviour to the police, and take your D to the ER. 

Physical violence means a line has been crossed. I hope Red5 chimes in here comment as his adult S was assaulted by his W who is BPD.

Protect your D and yourself.  Do it now, and prepare from the rage that might result from your H.

My H, years ago, in a fit of rage, dumped a dying little dog off her bed in our bedroom.  H yanked it right from under her.  H was asleep, and she had soiled her bed and walking around, waking up my uBPD H from a deep sleep.  H whined that he did it because he was so sleep deprived, and she was keeping us awake many nights.  I am sorry, but nothing in the world excuses this behaviour.  I am still with H, but if he did this again to any of our pets, I would file for divorce the next day.   I was much more codependent then, but now I have empowered myself not to tolerate abuse to any of our pets. 

Please start seeing a T if you are not already doing so.     I am so sorry this happened.  You and your D deserve better.   

[AskingWhy]

Now he got to our child. I need to leave this mister

This is an important book for anyone considering leaving a pwBPD.  It's called, ironically, "Splitting."

"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder," by lawyer/social worker Billy Eddy.  You can buy a hard copy for $12.00, but may be best to buy a digital copy for your own privacy to view on your phone and read in privacy.  You can't risk your H finding it an turning into a rage.  Most lawyers don't know how to deal with pw PDs such as BPD or NPD.  It may be the best $12 you every spend.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-ffsb-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1608820254

[Notwendy]

I am glad you made the report.

D tried to minimize the incident by “he did it accidentally”, “I was arguing and mouthy” , “it didn’t hurt that much”, “mom is overreacting”, “I feel safe at home”.


She's learned the family lesson well, hasn't she. Your mother minimized her abuse of you and your H's abuse, you've minimized his abuse.

I'm not saying this to be blaming. I'm pointing this out as a family pattern- it's one reason why abuse persists from generation to generation. A child who grows up in a family where this is tolerated and minimized learns to do the same as an adult. Your mother learned it, you learned it, and your daughter has.

It isn't too late to break this cycle Snowglobe, if you choose to do this. You can learn to set a different example for you, and your children. If your H gets away with this, he will know he can.

You were brave to speak up for your D. Now, when the social services visits and the fear of this situation has abated some, I hope you will speak up for her, and for you. He's done this to you too.