Part 2 BPD husband assaulted D16

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338803.0
Thank you all of responding, it’s been a surreal night. I’m looking at my life all in ruins and feel paralyzed. After we came to stay with my family member d16 started texting her friends. Her behaviour is of a typical teen, she was sad for a bit, told me what to tell her close friends, that she fell?. I encouraged her to share the truth, if she was comfortable. Hiding or minimizing abuse is a dangerous slope she is already on. Her girlfriend came over late at night to stay with us to make her feel better. They slept in the same bedroom while I took the spare bedroom. I wasn’t expecting her into invite a party. The boy she likes and another guy. It made me upset, but then I realized that she went through so much. I’m conflicted. I don’t want to enable her to do the very thing that started this mess. Nothing excuses physical violence, but I’m worried that I am also enabling her to fly of the rails and become party girl. I didn’t know they came until my relative walked in at 4 am and told me that d16 and her friend were making noise. It was a teen party. I’m facing morning uncertainty as I have to go back. My dad is leaving for work and I need to get my son. What will I walk into? I feel isolated, confused and lonely. How can I deal with a strong willed teen while navigating ubpdh? What will I face? What will cas do against him?

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338803.0
Thank you all of responding, it’s been a surreal night. I’m looking at my life all in ruins and feel paralyzed. After we came to stay with my family member d16 started texting her friends. Her behaviour is of a typical teen, she was sad for a bit, told me what to tell her close friends, that she fell?. I encouraged her to share the truth, if she was comfortable. Hiding or minimizing abuse is a dangerous slope she is already on. Her girlfriend came over late at night to stay with us to make her feel better. They slept in the same bedroom while I took the spare bedroom. I wasn’t expecting her into invite a party. The boy she likes and another guy. It made me upset, but then I realized that she went through so much. I’m conflicted. I don’t want to enable her to do the very thing that started this mess. Nothing excuses physical violence, but I’m worried that I am also enabling her to fly of the rails and become party girl. I didn’t know they came until my relative walked in at 4 am and told me that d16 and her friend were making noise. It was a teen party. I’m facing morning uncertainty as I have to go back. My dad is leaving for work and I need to get my son. What will I walk into? I feel isolated, confused and lonely. How can I deal with a strong willed teen while navigating ubpdh? What will I face? What will cas do against him?

[formflier]

You did the right thing by making the report and staying somewhere else.

Keep breathing deep and don't take it personally.  The system will grind along.

Don't be surprised if they don't "immediately" appear to believe you.  They are investigating.  They will ask questions...they are probing a situation they don't understand. 

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

There's a saying: how do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

It's tempting to panic and bunch it all together- your teen's behavior, your H, Child services.

One thing at a time. You are human, and can only do so much. Think in priorities- your H physically assaulted your D. This is the greatest danger to her. Even if he didn't cause physical harm (this time)- this is a pattern. There will be a next time. Then there is the emotional/psychological consequences which are greater than a cut on her head.

So she had teens over. There were adults in the home, and I assume a whole bunch of them in a room. If they weren't doing drugs, alcohol, or having sex, then just hanging out together isn't a dangerous situation. Yes, she should have asked you permission first, yes, no boys in the bedroom- these are good rules, but this is a situation that I'd put on the back burner to deal with. The assault is the bigger one. Keep in mind that this child has grown up with chaos and family stress, she may have some behavioral issues but these will need some time and work- once she's in a safe and stable situation.

[Notwendy]

Recall the book Controlling People that you read. You've been the Teddy. Recall that when Teddy asserts herself, this triggers the controlling person. When you assert yourself to your H, he uses ways to control you- threatening divorce, withholds financial support, verbal abuse and he has physically assaulted you.

Children are generally compliant, but not teens. A developmental task for a teen is to assert their individuality. Although your D isn't your H's sexual Teddy, everyone in the family is a Teddy to some extent, enabling, soothing and minimizing your H's behavior. When your D began to push her limits with your H, it triggered him just like you do when you assert yourself.

Teens will push the limits, one way or another. As parents, we need to be vigilant for dangerous ways and thankfully not all teens will do that. But they will: talk back, argue their point, want to do things their way, and this is normal. They need loving emotionally stable parents who can have firm boundaries with them but who also give them age appropriate freedoms- too much or too little isn't good.

Your H doesn't have the emotional stability to manage his own feelings. She will trigger him because she is her own person. His behavior is not her responsibility and yet she feels it is. She didn't cause this. A stable parent would not respond by physically assaulting her. There is no excuse for this. She needs to learn that.

[formflier]

A stable parent would not respond by physically assaulting her. There is no excuse for this. She needs to learn that.

And...don't be surprised if it takes her a while to "accept" or "learn" this.  In fact she may "take his side" for a while or "blame you".

I mention this so you can stay centered and not take it personally when it happens.

Best,

FF

[Witz_End]

I think, under the circumstances, your daughter probably sought out what she needed in the moment - the presence of friends and a distraction from the stressful emotions.  She may have done so in a way that was "ostrich head in own feelings" and not considering others or the appropriate move of asking, but under the circumstances, it may be good that she got what she needed in the moment.  Where it can become a problem moving forward is if she continues down that path of distraction and that's where you come in as mom, to help her process things in a more healthy way.

But, first things first... one bite at a time.  First step is immediate safety.  You did the right thing in drawing this line.  You know it will escalate things as he goes through swings and turbulence in response - guilt and rage - but, these are the reactions of someone realizing HE went too far and can not control you.  He will feel like he is on the ropes, but that is where HE put HIMSELF.

Get your son out of the danger of that turbulence and think next step for safety, like a restraining order.  Can family house you for a while and, if so, how long?  Even if they can, research shelters and other options in case restraining orders aren't enough.  Have contingencies.  In fact, the social worker investigating the case has that information and asking them specifically for it reinforces that it is a serious situation.

Tend to the kids' emotional needs, but don't neglect your own.  Keeping things in perspective in your own mind helps set the example so they see resolutely that what happened was inexcusable.  It allows you to be the keel of their ship.  Even if they waver as they process things, your being there for them and your steadiness will see them through and they will come out of their turbulence to understand.

Stay safe.  Breathe.  Focus on priorities.  The rest will follow.

[snowglobe]

Short update- cas is investigating, they interviewed my son who was visibly disturbed and upset by what has happened. It happened all so fast that I didn’t have a moment to help him to process what went on. His mental health team is also being questioned for details,  he is still coping with what he had witnessed. Ubpdh isn’t getting charged as d16 doesn’t want to get dad into trouble. In fact they texted back and fourth on to the date to pick up her brand new luxury car. I’m trying to remain calm and collected, as it feels like the only two people who are really suffering are myself and my son. He actually told cas that he felt guilty for not protecting her! I was afraid of this happening, whatever the reasons are for my daughter not to report him, it isn’t good. If they treat it as An isolated incident he might not even get a slap on the wrist. I’m certain he will make me pay for this.

[Cat Familiar]

She is willing to take the car as a bribe for keeping her mouth shut. Your son's Asperger's will not allow him to be untruthful. Have you told the authorities about your husband assaulting you on multiple occasions?

[snowglobe]

She is willing to take the car as a bribe for keeping her mouth shut. Your son's Asperger's will not allow him to be untruthful. Have you told the authorities about your husband assaulting you on multiple occasions?

No, I have not told them about what happened to me Cat. In truth, I feel that the system failed both myself and my daughter. The worker who interviewed us was more concerned with I how I looked/didn’t look, was dressed and banal details instead of properly structuring the interview. When I began to loose control, started crying and getting emotional she treated me like I was a hysteric. The only thing done thus far was the interview with both of us last night, d16 alone, my son and his team this morning. That is it, as far as I know, and I have eyes at ubpdh’s work. When the worker started pointing out to me the fact that I had time to get ready but didn’t have time to take the pictures (wth?. Accusations of someone who just been through hell, and no, I didn’t get ready after the incident, I was put together BEFORE it happened!). I felt the door being shut. I became concerned that my kids could be taken away if I were to disclose. This system isn’t working for, it feels like it’s working AGAINST me. No, I don’t look battered, deshivered  or like I have given up on myself. But what am I supposed to look like?. For her to show kindness and compassion.

[snowglobe]

She is willing to take the car as a bribe for keeping her mouth shut. Your son's Asperger's will not allow him to be untruthful.

The car was purchased some time ago, it’s waiting to be picked up. It does feel like a betrayal that she doesn’t acknowledge the seriousness of the incident. Because if her age she needs to agree to press charges, she was adamant not to from the start. S recalled ubpdh counting down for her to leave before he pushed her. I think that mental picture will stick with me forever. I can’t stand the idea to be anywhere close to him. I’ve never left him, this is my first. I have a mixture of rage, anger, sadness and resentment. If I see him, I’m afraid I will attack him. So I’m staying away so I at least can keep my kids.

[formflier]

  I feel that the system failed both myself and my daughter. 

As you know..I've worked in government for a long time.

A system can't "work" or "fail" without information.  You have given the system very limited information (you choice to do this).  Therefore you are (understandably) getting an odd result.

Switching gears.

I hope you express to the authorities that you don't want your daughter to decide on charging your hubby one way or another. 

Still processing this post.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  I became concerned that my kids could be taken away if I were to disclose

There is far more chance of them being taken if they figure out you are purposefully withholding information or trying to manipulate them by only giving them part of the story.

It doesn't make sense that your hubby would randomly attack your D.

It does make sense that his attacks on your have escalated over time and now he has added an additional family member.

Can you see how the second one makes sense. 

Give them the timeline.  Stop trying to game or manipulate or "figure out how they system is against you"

Disclose the situation.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

There is far more chance of them being taken if they figure out you are purposefully withholding information or trying to manipulate them by only giving them part of the story.

It doesn't make sense that your hubby would randomly attack your D.

It does make sense that his attacks on your have escalated over time and now he has added an additional family member.

Can you see how the second one makes sense. 

Give them the timeline.  Stop trying to game or manipulate or "figure out how they system is against you"

Disclose the situation.

Best,

FF

Hi Ff,
I called the lawyer to consult on how to proceed. I understand that you have worked in the system, and believe me you, I intend to see this through with or without d’s cooperation. I will do it once I have a consult and see how it can help me build my case and how o can answer some questions with the presence of my lawyer. I don’t believe someone is after me (not paranoid). I believe that a picture that people see might be different from what I’m trying to convey. My husband has a social status, he is employed and trusted with sensitive content, his house is a dream, manicured lawn and his children look healthy and thriving. We are dressed a certain way and poses certain materials that show his status. I understand that you can’t see the full picture behind the text. The truth is, the world isn’t fair, the system isn’t perfect, not all employees are jumping to help. From here on I’m not navigating this alone.

[formflier]

H  I believe that a picture that people see might be different from what I’m trying to convey. 

Which is understandable given that you are not giving them full and accurate information.

It is wise to consult with a lawyer.  I have a hard time imagining a lawyer would tell you to leave out information about your husband assaulting you.  Please let us know what he says.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad that you are pursuing this, snowglobe. My husband did child dependency law and it's true that lots of social workers get kind of jaded about these situations. It's hard to figure out the facts when you have had a limited time with the witnesses.

You could be a disgruntled wife who is using this "accident" to get her husband in trouble. The daughter could be telling the truth or an unreliable witness because she is scared of her father. The father could have pushed her due to rage or it could have been a loss of balance and an unfortunate accident. They are trained to believe nobody at first, but to take in as much information as possible.

Certainly wealthy people with job status and manicured lawns can be capable of physical violence. These impressions are illusory in a court of law.

[formflier]

  They are trained to believe nobody at first, but to take in as much information as possible.
 

And..they are NOT trained to say "I believe you" or make you "feel" like the system is working in your favor or that you are "winning".

They are trained to suck in information.  They are likely trained to challenge the story at certain points as a means of gathering information.

Hang in there! 

You can do this!

Best,

FF

[Radcliff]

As hard as it may be, try not to get upset at your daughter for how she is behaving.  She's doing what most teenagers would do in this situation -- whatever she can to feel safe.  Think about how much trouble you and I, as educated adults, have making sense of our situations.  For her, it's even more difficult.

Formflier and I are on the same page here.  You need to be consistently transparent with outside folks.  Even if you are, though, the hard truth is that they don't have great tools to help you, especially in the face of an educated, well-regarded abuser who is generally seen to be keeping it together to the outside world and hasn't caused serious injury.  Your choices, your integrity, your boundary enforcement have the biggest potential for impact here, not the actions of outsiders.

What are your thoughts on reaching out to a local DV agency and attending a regular support group?

RC

[formflier]

Another reason for complete transparency.

Let's start by hoping he changes his ways.  If he doesn't, the investigation of future incidents would be very different due to reported history of abuse.

Things would be different if you had reported and prosecuted all his assaults on you.

So...yes this is about this time, it's also about next time (or preventing next time).

Does this make sense to you?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Hi guys, thank you for checking in. Reaching out and being completely transparent as well as attaching medical proof which I by the way saved is on my agenda. It’s hard to describe a war zone that we are currently living in, ubpdh chose to go all war on d16 and myself. The cease fire that we had on the first day vanished and he is tightening screws by removing her access to bank accounts, making sure she doesn’t leave without his permission first and doesn’t allow her to have people over. He is also not engaging in discussion with me, which is fine because I have nothing to say to him. He is trying to assert himself as a dominant baboon of the pack who can get an upper hand with his teen, wife, and the system. I was informed that any and all cost Assosiated with legal troubles will come out of mine and kids allowances (he gives just enough to get by). The problem is, even with all information the worse that can happen is that he would volunteerly go for anger management program. According to my consultation even with my medical documentation, I justified the two injuries that I sustained by another plausible explanation. So... if even if he pleads guilty, and goes for 12 classes just to move on without actually working the program, it’s all piss against the wind. For me that’s the most painful realization. He doesn’t want to get better, there isn’t a single motivation. He does not understand having a family in a traditional sense, we are all Teddy’s playing a role. Although Teddy is convinient, it can be easily replaced

[formflier]

Now do you understand why...EXACTLY why...I and others have been saying you MUST take your half of the proceeds of the house sale and become financially independent.

Imagine how you would feel right now if you had access to your own bank account with your own funds.  What would his changes to access of funds mean to you in that case?

Switching gears...what consequence were you expecting him to get?  It appears that you are disappointed by him potentially going to anger management.  Did I get that right?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

People use the relationship tools they have, and disordered people use their tools too. DH is using the tools he has and why not? They have worked for him well: withholding money, privileges, being abusive. It worked with you, so why not?

D16 is no longer a child and she's challenged him. She's about the same age as you were when you started dating your H. Now that she's older, he's treating her the same way? Why not? It has worked for him.

The message in your family ( probably for several generations) is that- you tolerate any kind of behavior from a man who has the money to buy the luxurious things you want. Your H has money and this has excused his behavior. Your D has learned this too.

Maybe, many generations ago, in the old country, this was the case. Women were married off for economical survival. But we've come a long way from Fiddler on the Roof days and even then, abuse or criminal activity was not considered to be acceptable.

What message do you want your D to take into her relationships one day? Is it to let someone abuse her so long as he spends money on nice things for her? Or is it that- she doesn't have to have this arrangement- she can have a career, or be a stay at home mom and still expect her partner to treat her kindly? That no matter how much or little money her spouse makes, this isn't a license to be abusive?

And how will you demonstrate the message to your D?

[GaGrl]

What is the current situation on selling your house and getting access to funds?

[snowglobe]

Now do you understand why...EXACTLY why...I and others have been saying you MUST take your half of the proceeds of the house sale and become financially independent.

Imagine how you would feel right now if you had access to your own bank account with your own funds.  What would his changes to access of funds mean to you in that case?

Switching gears...what consequence were you expecting him to get?  It appears that you are disappointed by him potentially going to anger management.  Did I get that right?

Best,

FF

Ff, I understand why you were advising me on a split of the finances. Everyone processes things at a different pace. I was still holding out hope that things were going to get better.
Having access to the funds would be lovely but that not where the main part is. His biggest assets are hidden away.
I was expecting
1. Remorse and apology for d16
2. Understanding the severity of his transgression
3. Willingness to rectify it by bearing the consequences legally such as a criminal record, community service
4. Willingness to work the program
This morning as he started “this nasty sh$t better not cross me today (referring to d16) he triggered me and I had enough. I started telling him that he could have potentially injured or even killed her if he pushed harder. She hit her head on a sharp end of the angle of the wall. To which he replied “so what, her head is empty anyway?.” “I don’t give a PLEASE READ”, “my way or highway”, “stop talking or I go spend time with my friends” (who are of a similar mindset and encourage him to assert himself more of a man. “I will go spend time with hookers”, “if you keep on talking I will show you...” pregnant pause. “I don’t care if I get escorted out of the house in handcuffs, I will cut all of you out financially, serve time and enjoy young girls and make more babies”. Defeated and depleted I went to the next room where my son was receiving therapy. Because ubpdh spoke in his mother tongue the therapist could not grasp what he was saying (clever). When I relaid what he said her advise was to get him into family therapy. The more I placed the blame on him, the more he denied and projected. The only way in her option was to remain calm and suggest therapy for the the entire family. He had left for work by then. I followed her advise and sent him this text message. When I got the reply I was shocked. Please try and make sense out of it for me:
Me:” I am worried about our family. Our relationships with D16. She isn’t an easy child, at times I don’t know how to deal with her. I also get frustrated and overwhelmed. It’s not me against you, it’s US against the problem- how to handle it. Only together we can build healthy and stable environment for kids and you and me.” (Trying to convince him to get help as a family, first step)
Him: “Screw u too i do not give a PLEASE READ i have never been better and had so much tome for myself. Life is too short i am trying to enjoy it while u fix it. Do as u please but u cannot screw with mine.”
Please note that there are no profanities or insults in my text. I am simply trying to mediate the relationships regardless of the outcome.

[Notwendy]

Please keep all your texts for records. Ask your lawyer how to do that.

Your child's therapist doesn't see the whole picture. Family therapy only works if the adults truly want to do it ( that's true for all therapy)

He's stated what he wants- he doesn't want to do it. To me, I'd drop it.

How long are you going to hold on to hope he will change?

[babyducks]

Snowglobe,
What in his reply can't you understand?   What part are you having a hard time accepting?

This isn't particularly new information from him.    He has no interest in 'getting better '.   He doesn't want to discuss it with you.

He doesn't want to effectively work with in the family.  He wants to put himself and his enjoyment first.

What do you think about taking care of yourself and your children instead of being fixated on him?

[formflier]

Having access to the funds would be lovely but that not where the main part is. His biggest assets are hidden away.
 

I don't think you answered the question. 

I'm not asking about hidden assets or fair distributions or any of that. 

I AM asking how your life would be different if you had your half of house proceeds in an account that you control..100%.

When he takes your name off your bank accounts...how would life be different if you had your own funds?

When he takes away your "allowance"?  How would life be different if you had your own funds.

Let's shift for a second.  Look at Babyduck's and Notwendy's questions.  Let me add and additional related question.

What was different about his response this time?  Were his answers consistent with what he has told you in the past?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm not asking about hidden assets or fair distributions or any of that. 

I AM asking how your life would be different if you had your half of house proceeds in an account that you control..100%.

When he takes your name off your bank accounts...how would life be different if you had your own funds?

When he takes away your "allowance"?  How would life be different if you had your own funds.

Formflier asks a very important question. I hope you answer it.

It seems like you are playing an "all or nothing" strategy in numerous areas of your life. You are gambling that he will invest some of his cryptocurrency in a home and that at some point, that will give you access to it.

You are gambling that he will someday be "nice" when you've seen little evidence for that and he continues to tell you that he's not as invested in you and the family as you hope.

Wouldn't it be better to face the facts and believe him when he tells you who he is?

[Cat Familiar]

 This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338877.0