I let myself be a pushover

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338788.0

Hey FF, I completely agree. I let myself be a pushover and I'm far too harsh on myself.

I expect myself to live up to standards that I don't expect from others and beat myself up for showing anything like anger..or even just asserting myself.

Well, she didn't sign. She gave me her list of agreements and they were...unrealistic. A lot of them weren't boundaries or consequences, they were long-winded, ranting and weirdly specific but we never even got around to discussing those because she spat her dummy out.

We started on mine and she immediately began nit-picking about the wording. I said I was happy to change the wording, no problem. She continued to complain even though I'd agreed to make changes so I just calmly repeated that I was happy to change it.

Then she asked

uBPDgf: What made you decide it was OK to write a contract?

Me:  Because you’re not the only one who’s anxious about us moving in together. And I’ve realised that very little has changed um…I feel very much like we’re carrying on in the same way ….and I either want a fresh start or I’d want it to end. I can’t carry on with this emotional rollercoaster any more

uBPDgf: No, me neither, I completely agree with that

Me: So either we can agree on stuff or we can’t and if we can’t then we shouldn’t live together

uBPDgf: So you’re imposing a contract which is yet another ultimatum…another way of you exercising your control and your power

Me: You’re also able to make a contract, you have made the contract as well. You’ve added pages to it

Then she went back to nit-picking and took great personal offense at the part I'd put in about us each paying our half of the rent and giving each other plenty of notice if we couldn't make the rent payment one month. She took it very personally, I guess because she's the financially vulnerable one right now as she's unemployed and has just found out she's not getting funding for her Master's degree so she can't (won't) proceed with it.

Then she changed tack again to say none of this is working, that she needs a partner and a contract can't solve our problems. I responded to say that I didn't feel like I had a partner either and asked if she was refusing to sign?

She then started to berate me because she was visibly upset (a few tears) and I wasn't giving her comfort. I told her that I was upset too and didn't feel like comforting her. That the way she behaves to seek affection and comfort is often counter-productive and results in my wanting distance not closeness.

She then took a time-out and when she returned said I was probably better off just taking the house on my own and she'd live with her friend. She said I was trying to impose a load of rules and sanctions and it was inappropriate. Then she left again for a bit.

When she came back I asked if she wanted to continue our discussion. She said there was no point, she was going to leave it to fate because nothing she ever says or does is good enough for me.

She then went on to say that my request that she work on her metal health in *some* way was unreasonable. That it was my fault for upsetting her and that I'm the reason she has to use alcohol as a coping mechanism.

She then changed the subject again, and again. Pretty sure she was just trying to avoid having to discuss the items I'd raised and was trying to start a huge row so she could turn around and make me the bad guy and then in her mind that would completely invalidate the whole contract...I wasn't biting.

After a while I just calmly said:

"I thought what I’d written was pretty reasonable as a request like, going to bed and not having discussions late at night, not damaging property maliciously, saying if you’re not gonna be able to pay the rent in plenty of time so that the other half can pay rent for that month and it doesn’t end up with us in trouble with the letting agents. That sort of thing I thought was pretty reasonable. So, I’m hoping that the reason you won’t sign and won’t discuss it is because you feel personally under attack and it’s triggered you and you’re upset, not because you want to actually do these things and that’s why you won’t sign it. However, if you’re not willing to discuss it, sort it and iron it all out between us, I can’t know either way and don’t want to live with you."

She accused me of persecuting her and said she didn't trust signing the paper because it's piece of paper, will make no difference to how I treat her and that everything would be fine if I wasn't so possessive and controlling, telling her what to do, making her sign contracts for her own relationship. ): Everything would be fine if I would have just shown her that I had some affection and actually wanted to be with her. That I'm cold and so self-obsessed and so concerned about my own things and my own ways, and I'm just out for yourself!

She them stormed off and got drunk so no more discussions.

I'm waiting on a call to the letting agent to see if I can just sign it myself. She can go live with her friend! Argh.

I'm already feeling really guilty and trying to talk myself out of this decision...

[G1B8oN]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338788.0

Hey FF, I completely agree. I let myself be a pushover and I'm far too harsh on myself.

I expect myself to live up to standards that I don't expect from others and beat myself up for showing anything like anger..or even just asserting myself.

Well, she didn't sign. She gave me her list of agreements and they were...unrealistic. A lot of them weren't boundaries or consequences, they were long-winded, ranting and weirdly specific but we never even got around to discussing those because she spat her dummy out.

We started on mine and she immediately began nit-picking about the wording. I said I was happy to change the wording, no problem. She continued to complain even though I'd agreed to make changes so I just calmly repeated that I was happy to change it.

Then she asked

uBPDgf: What made you decide it was OK to write a contract?

Me:  Because you’re not the only one who’s anxious about us moving in together. And I’ve realised that very little has changed um…I feel very much like we’re carrying on in the same way ….and I either want a fresh start or I’d want it to end. I can’t carry on with this emotional rollercoaster any more

uBPDgf: No, me neither, I completely agree with that

Me: So either we can agree on stuff or we can’t and if we can’t then we shouldn’t live together

uBPDgf: So you’re imposing a contract which is yet another ultimatum…another way of you exercising your control and your power

Me: You’re also able to make a contract, you have made the contract as well. You’ve added pages to it

Then she went back to nit-picking and took great personal offense at the part I'd put in about us each paying our half of the rent and giving each other plenty of notice if we couldn't make the rent payment one month. She took it very personally, I guess because she's the financially vulnerable one right now as she's unemployed and has just found out she's not getting funding for her Master's degree so she can't (won't) proceed with it.

Then she changed tack again to say none of this is working, that she needs a partner and a contract can't solve our problems. I responded to say that I didn't feel like I had a partner either and asked if she was refusing to sign?

She then started to berate me because she was visibly upset (a few tears) and I wasn't giving her comfort. I told her that I was upset too and didn't feel like comforting her. That the way she behaves to seek affection and comfort is often counter-productive and results in my wanting distance not closeness.

She then took a time-out and when she returned said I was probably better off just taking the house on my own and she'd live with her friend. She said I was trying to impose a load of rules and sanctions and it was inappropriate. Then she left again for a bit.

When she came back I asked if she wanted to continue our discussion. She said there was no point, she was going to leave it to fate because nothing she ever says or does is good enough for me.

She then went on to say that my request that she work on her metal health in *some* way was unreasonable. That it was my fault for upsetting her and that I'm the reason she has to use alcohol as a coping mechanism.

She then changed the subject again, and again. Pretty sure she was just trying to avoid having to discuss the items I'd raised and was trying to start a huge row so she could turn around and make me the bad guy and then in her mind that would completely invalidate the whole contract...I wasn't biting.

After a while I just calmly said:

"I thought what I’d written was pretty reasonable as a request like, going to bed and not having discussions late at night, not damaging property maliciously, saying if you’re not gonna be able to pay the rent in plenty of time so that the other half can pay rent for that month and it doesn’t end up with us in trouble with the letting agents. That sort of thing I thought was pretty reasonable. So, I’m hoping that the reason you won’t sign and won’t discuss it is because you feel personally under attack and it’s triggered you and you’re upset, not because you want to actually do these things and that’s why you won’t sign it. However, if you’re not willing to discuss it, sort it and iron it all out between us, I can’t know either way and don’t want to live with you."

She accused me of persecuting her and said she didn't trust signing the paper because it's piece of paper, will make no difference to how I treat her and that everything would be fine if I wasn't so possessive and controlling, telling her what to do, making her sign contracts for her own relationship. ): Everything would be fine if I would have just shown her that I had some affection and actually wanted to be with her. That I'm cold and so self-obsessed and so concerned about my own things and my own ways, and I'm just out for yourself!

She them stormed off and got drunk so no more discussions.

I'm waiting on a call to the letting agent to see if I can just sign it myself. She can go live with her friend! Argh.

I'm already feeling really guilty and trying to talk myself out of this decision...

[G1B8oN]

Some gems from her agreements were...

I will respect my partner's basic needs and try to accomodate them as best I can. I will not expect my partner to wait for any given amount of time to go to the toilet nor will I ask them to hold on for longer to suit my own arrangements. Allowing and enabling my partner to endure physical pain for my own benefit is controlling and abusive.

If my partner expects me to wait longer when I need the toilet I will politely remind them of my condition (IBS). this is a deprivation of my human rights. If my partner is unable to wait whilst I use the toilet they should say so and not deny or prolong my access.

This is because on a house viewing a couple of weeks ago she needed the toilet. I said she could ask the letting agent if it was OK to use the house toilet or if she could hang on, I'd drive us to the shopping centre 10 minutes away. She exploded (no pun intended) at me for even suggesting she might be able to hold it for 10 minutes and thought I should ask on her behalf. Note how in her consequences does she even consider just taking responsibility for getting herself to toilet!

Another one was

I will always make an effort to invite and to involve my partner in events with family or friends. I will not be secretive about my whereabouts if my partner is not with me. I will not go and stay with my friends and family as a punishment to hurt my partner.

If my partner does not reciprocate my actions of hospitality and inclusiveness I will keep a log of the events. Being isolated from meaningful event, friends and family is psychological abuse

I was taken aback a bit by this. So I can't go see my friends or family without inviting her or it's abuse? I have to tell her where I am at all times? I can't go stay with my friends or family when we've had a row or I'm upset? Jeez! Surely this is very controlling? 

[formflier]

Me: So either we can agree on stuff or we can’t and if we can’t then we shouldn’t live together
 

Yes!       

Her reaction to this tells you a MASSIVE amount about her intentions. 

 

I realize this is hard!

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

She accused me of persecuting her

This is common from my observations. I think pwBPD see things from victim perspective.

One reason I wrote "room mate" rather than partner was to make a point about how to live with someone. I know she's a romantic partner. But what you are asking of her is common decency when living with anyone. Taking it to room mate level, I wanted to highlight some basic standards. Why should loving someone change that? You can still expect her to treat you with common decency.

What I want in a room mate is the same as what I want in a partner, I just want more in a partner such as companionship, intimacy, and expect to give that, but it doesn't change basic decency. For example:

I don't want a room mate or a partner to get into my possessions and damage them. If he/she wants to borrow something- please ask and also put it back when you use it.

My H got irritated when I borrowed his scissors and didn't put them back- that's acceptable. Why shouldn't he? I'd be irritated too. Being romantic didn't change that.

If I have an agreement with either a partner or room mate about paying the rent and either of us can't pay for some reason- we need to discuss it before anyone defaults on the rent.

I made this point about room mates because your GF isn't considering the basic conduct between room mates when she is living with you. However, does being in a romantic relationship exclude basic consideration?

Both romantic and room mate arrangements also have some give and take. Both can get on each other's nerves sometimes. Maybe someone is a "messy" and the other is "neat" but underlying both types of relationships is the ability to discuss issues and work them out.

I know you love her,  but all relationships have basic boundaries with regards to sharing a space to live. What I was trying to say with the room mate idea is- would you choose her as a room mate? If not, how can it work out so you can live together? It may come down to accepting her as she is, or deciding this isn't the type of living situation you want.

[Enabler]

I was taken aback a bit by this. So I can't go see my friends or family without inviting her or it's abuse? I have to tell her where I am at all times? I can't go stay with my friends or family when we've had a row or I'm upset? Jeez! Surely this is very controlling? 

Let me reiterate my point from before:

I implore you to formulate and stick to your own rational and reasonable judgement as to what is and isn't reasonable given historical events and not be swayed by any emotional outburst.

She wants complete control, complete autonomy and a complete lack of consequences; whilst on the other hand wants completely the opposite to be true for you. I can think of another UK institution that achieves this and it's acronym is HMP.

Enabler

[G1B8oN]

Well, she's sobbing hysterically upstairs and I feel awful.

"I want to live with you, how can you do this at the last minute?"

"I love you and want to be with you, where is the part of you that loved and cared for me?"

"We don't need a list of rules and regulations, we just have to care about each other more and treat each other better"

This is torture...I'd happily undergo any form of alternative torture right now...

[Cat Familiar]

This is just a taste of what is to come should you two live together. It's likely that having a third party living on the premises has moderated some of her acting out behavior.

[G1B8oN]

It's hard because I've been there. I've been her, begging and pleading and bargaining to try and get my partner to change their mind, to not abandon me.

To my eternal shame I did it to my ex partner a few times and you know what? She was right! We should have broken up at the time and I was scared and afraid and feeling abandoned.

I feel like all my relenting in this relationship and the fact I've recycled with her over and over again is some sort of karmic payback for all the times I did it to my ex.

I hope I never regress to that person again but it's hard watching my partner go through it now because I think I at least partially, have an insight in her distress.

I haven't broken up with her, said I'd like some time apart to work on ourselves and on the relationship with a bit of physical separation so that we can start lowering walls we've built up living together. She's not accepting that though. She says if we're not living together then I'm choosing to break up with her. I've said if that's her boundary then that's her choice and I respect it but it's her choosing to end the relationship, not me.

[G1B8oN]

This is just a taste of what is to come should you two live together. It's likely that having a third party living on the premises has moderated some of her acting out behavior.

It's possible yes though she doesn't seem to hold back whether her friend is home or not. One of the reasons it's always made me uncomfortable having her friend here is that it's like my partner has no boundaries with her, she'll walk around in just a pair of knickers on and doesn't see a problem with us having sex when her friend is home. The way they are makes my skin crawl sometimes...

[formflier]

Well, she's sobbing hysterically upstairs and I feel awful.
 

You have given her a pathway...she has chosen not to walk it.  And she is sad about that.

Give her space and move forward with your own life and plans.

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

You have given her a pathway...she has chosen not to walk it.  And she is sad about that.

Give her space and move forward with your own life and plans.

Best,

FF

Indeed, I'm trying my best to do just that FF. Thanks for your wisdom 

She's now begging, she'll do anything including sign the contract but of course I can't relent now. It's for the wrong reasons, she's doing it because she's desperate to make me change my mind not because she's commited to making changes and respecting my needs and boundaries.

She's arranged to stay with her mother overnight so I've just got to stick to my guns for a little bit longer until her step-dad arrives to pick her up. I wish I believed that we could make things work but I just can't any more

[G1B8oN]

And now this morning she's acting all reasonable and owning some of her behaviour. She'll sign the contract, quit drinking, she'll go stay with her friend for weeks, months but please, please can she move in to this house with me?

I can't trust this can I? It's pure desperation I think. She'd probably agree black was white and up was down if I wanted her to right now.

I fear that she's making these offers and decisions for the wrong motivations (fear, manipulation) and not because she genuinely wants to be a better person and whilst I believe she does truly want to improve the RS I'm not sure that she's actually capable of not going back to old ways without first making significant steps to help herself

[Enabler]

Morning,

I was going to congratulate you for being very brave here but actually I'm not going to use the word brave and instead congratulate you for being so clear thinking, wise and rational about this. From what you've suggested you've come a long way since your days of grovelling and begging with your ex and that's commendable. You have shown your GF an enormous amount of compassion and demonstrated above and beyond reasonable opportunities for her to adopt a more harmonious way of interacting with you... yet she's not chosen to.

Given the number of opportunities you have provided in the past and her consistent unwillingness to adopt better more healthy ways, possibly as a result of your inconsistent boundaries, it would certainly be wise and reasonable to need to see a consistent period of change before entering into something which could lead to greater vulnerability and less ability for you to enforce distance should you need it. At the moment she feels she does not see a future for the relationship if you don't live together, and likewise you see this as important as well... however, since you have valid concerns about her ability to be genuine given her desperate position could/should/would a more distant relationship with separate abodes be better until such time you are convinced she has demonstrated IN ACTIONS that she can keep to her agreement and not crush your boundaries as she has in the past.

People move in together all the time, if you decided 3-6-9m down the line that you wished for her to move in to your new place I am sure this is possible without needing to notify the pandlord until you renew the lease. She could be registered on the electoral role but I can't see any reason why you would need to inform the landlord... it's not like you'd be sub-letting the spare room (even then I'm not sure you would have to inform them as you'd just be liable for the rent). I feel you need to re-define the area around you as an individual. Your GF consistently wants to morph you into her (enmeshment) and this isn't okay unless you're okay with it.

Enabler

[G1B8oN]

Thanks enabler, you have no idea how much I needed to read that this morning.

My resolve is holding but it's so hard. She's been relentlessly trying to bargain and change my mind all morning. I feel my resolve wavering all the time and it's so hard to keep saying no to her.

I've offered a compromise of sorts; that I'll store a lot of her stuff so she can just find a room in the city. She doesn't want to move with her friend which is understandable: it's a retrograde step, its a rural village with very bad transport and she hasn't got a car so it'll be harder for her to get a job. Plus one of the reasons I wanted to move to this city was that there are a lot of opportunities in her sector.

I've asked if she'd like me to help her brainstorm solutions to these problems and we have, quite successfully I think but I still sense she's not accepting it

[babyducks]

my relationship with my Ex was a needs/entitlement war.   the war was always about whose 'needs' took precedent.   whose needs were more important.     

and the answer was always hers.   if by some chance we managed to reach a compromise where my needs were temporarily more important my Ex would accuse me of tricking her into it.

so why?     why this terrible fear of letting anyone else have just a little bit more than her, or even an equal amount to her?

I think it had to do with that unstable sense of self, object consistency and black and white thinking.

black and white thinking... if my needs are not being met right now... they will never been met.     

object consistency... if my needs are not being met right now... they have never been met.

unstable sense of self... if my needs are not being met, have never been met and will never be met then I will cease to exist... I won't be able to survive this... I will fail or disappear or literally shrivel up and die.

that's how my Ex approached the world and our conversations.

[formflier]

At the moment you have a lot of power in the relationship.  You "have" or "control" something she desperately wants.

Power shifts in relationships all the times (sort of a fluid thing).  I'm hoping you can focus on what you will do with whatever power you find yourself with...that can nudge the relationship in a better direction

Currently you are offering to solve some of her problems (storing stuff) and I'm sure she is grateful for that.  What has she offered to do for you in return (for the good of the relationship)?

I would suggest that any connection (living together, storing stuff, etc etc) that you allow only be allowed if there are concrete things she is doing for the betterment of the relationship.  (attending therapy, attending dbt group, attending AA etc etc)

The thought that you are wanting to introduce is that there is you, her and the relationship.  Each of you take care of your own needs and also do things that are reasonable to expect will result in a better relationship.

This idea will most likely be met with resistant by her (see Babyducks experience about her partners needs ALWAYS being first..very common). 

The only way you will find out if your partner is able to do this is to ask for it or perhaps even to "require" it.  Then observe things.

I'll finish by echoing what others have said.  Solid work standing up for yourself in the face of incredible attempts at manipulation.  Very proud of you!

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

I went to see my T last night, I love seeing my T, he's great. Anyway, we were discussing how I feel about 'truth' and am I entitled to the 'truth'. Anyway, long story short, given some evidence I have found recently I am forced to reconsider 22yrs of 'truth' since I have to vastly reconsider the credibility I gave to her word, how I felt guilty for suspecting inappropriate behaviour based on her aggressive reaction rather than the credibility of the evidence I saw in front of me. My T then asked me how I felt about the relationship and where I was positioned in the relationship. I had previously concluded I was a surrogate parent... I was a Dad to my W... not a symbiotic partner, but a Dad in a parasitic relationship. When things were bad for her she would lean on me, I would take the strain and she wanted to be 'close' i.e. she wanted to feed off of me. When things were good for her, life was easy she wanted to distance herself, serve herself. When things were bad for me, she would actively move away. You see the thing is you can't have 2 victims in the same ambulance, yes I got a hug when my Dad died but it was fleeting, shortly afterwards she was telling me "I'm grieving too!".

My point, you're not her parents, she has 2 of those. You're her partner, supposed to be in a symbiotic relationship not a parasitic one. I know that we come here and look at how we contribute to the relationship drama with our own neediness to be needed... but seriously, it is her responsibility to do the bulk of the heavy lifting sorting out her life... You are not her parent. Parental love is unconditional, your love IS conditional and SHOULD be conditional, it SHOULD be conditional on being treated as an individual whom has no obligation to be with that person but CHOOSES to be... what is she offering to you to make herself marketable as an individual? From what I see she markets herself with FOG... and you're working on F so she's pushing O and G now.

Lay options on the table which offer no FOG, but OPPORTUNITIES for her to market herself to you.

Small hijack, what do I offer my W in my pitch book? I'm a Christian, Consistency, fidelity, financial security, excellent father, I cook, I clean, I do DIY, I help, I'm interesting and intelligent, I'm genuine and honest, I have integrity, I go the extra mile, I put her and the kids before myself, adventurous, not impulsive, don't drink too much, don't do drugs, I'm not the worst looking, I've a good sex drive, I'm good with money... I'm a provider.

Enabler

[G1B8oN]

It's great that you're aware of your worth Enabler. I think sometimes we forget that we're actually decent, valuable human beings, I know that I do.

The move was really stressful. The house really isn't big enough for her and my stuff right now as the landlady has filled the attic and outbuildings and these don't get emptied until the weekend. She kept asking why my brother wasn't helping me move and eventually I told her that he and my mum are disappointed that I haven't broken up with her and aren't really speaking to me.

She's alternating between being very nice, to being sullen and making pointed statements about how I've stolen her home from her and that even if she moves in down the line, this place will never feel like a home. I've not been giving much reaction to any of it, just occasionally repeating the phrase "I wanted to make a home with my partner too, you have responsibility for why I feel that we cannot live in a happy, healthy home together. I hope we can make things work better than they have been".

Things really went off the rails yesterday evening. We'd just finished a coat of paint on the wall of the master bedroom and she decided she was frisky. I didn't object but wanted to shut the curtains as we're overlooked by houses and a church and I didn't want an audience. As I got up to close them she pulled my belt off and whipped me with it. It was supposed to be playful and teasing but it's thick leather and it really, really hurt. With tears in my eyes I said something along the lines of "ow babe, that really  hurt, please don't do that again". In the back of my mind too was the irony of her accusations of DV. Rather than apologise she just said angrily "I didn't *mean* to hurt you" and I replied "OK, please don't ever do that again though because it really hurts".

She then said she wasn't in the mood anymore and left the house. She returned about 15 minutes later with beer which she sat and started drinking in the garden. We'd arranged to go to a pub for dinner and I was getting hungry so I finished off painting the other walls and asked her if she'd like to go get food. Nope, she wasn't hungry. I ran a couple of errands and asked again...nope. I then said I was going to get dinner anyway because I was hungry, she came with me but only drank and didn't eat.

For the rest of the evening she drank and smoked weed. She then sent me this message...

I'm sorting our s**t with your family for us hun. They will hopefully start talking to you now.
I will not be responsible for s**t that splits up families. My family split up and it damaged me more than anything. I won't do that to you or yours. If the reason they ain't talking to you is because you won't split with me like you've told me...then you shouldn't have to choose between me or them. Family comes first, no matter what happens. Xx

I found her and said that I hoped she hadn't made any alcohol-fuelled bad decisions, she said she'd messaged my mum and brother but wouldn't tell me what she'd said but that she expected they'd start talking to me again.

Fast forward to this morning and I have a message from my mum saying she'd had a weird message from my partner, that she hoped I was ok and that she was hurt and cross because the message was full of manipulation and emotional blackmail.

I have a feeling that my partner thought she was doing the noble thing by this but she'd basically said to my mum and brother that she'll break up with me if they can't be OK with us being together. That she's been s****y with me and I've been s****y with her too and we're trying to work stuff out but she won't be responsible for breaking up a family.

I was furious about this for many reasons and confronted her quite angrily, at one point calling her a naïve, stupid, idiot for thinking she can drink a load of beer, get high and message my family in the middle of the night and fix everything with one text.

I'm cross because she's tried to manipulate my family - accept the relationship or she'll break up with me and it'll be their fault

I'm cross that she's gone behind my back and offered to break up with me without even telling me or letting me know what she said

I'm cross that she can't see that the responsibility for fixing the rift with my family lies with her and I to improve the relationship, not by offering an ultimatum

I'm furious that she seems to think she's done nothing wrong and at one point smugly pointed out that my mum was talking to me now! Yeah she's talking, briefly, once, about this stupid text message and how it's upset her! Grrrrrrr!

After me being cross and shouty she then said she could see that she'd made the right decision and was breaking up with me. I've always said since the last breakup that any future breakups would be permanent as I wouldn't do anymore recycles so now I'm also feeling upset and bewildered about this too and feel compelled to stand by what I'd said. This is it, the end.

Of course now I've got a house full of her c**p and she's got ties to me that way. I'm considering giving her 6 weeks to clear it out or I'm hiring a skip but I'm aware right now that I'm full of anger and hurt so should probably let the dust settle a bit rather than being even more hostile toward her.

[Enabler]

Hiya, congratulations on the move and hope you can make the home how you want it so you can feel safe and secure and DRAMA FREE. I totally get why you are angry at your GF (ExGF) for overstepping the mark with regards to contacting your family. Sadly from from her perspective she likely thought she was doing a good thing and operated in her standard Karpman Triangle mode... you = victim, your family = perpetrator, GF (exGF) = rescuer... then obviously you all span round and swapped places and the whole thing was a big old drama. I see nothing out of line about the reasons why you're disappointed with her. It was healthy to take a firm stance on that kind of behaviour. Out of interest have you spoken to your family about BPD? That may alleviate some of the confusion on their part.

If you're serious about the split, my suspicion is that she will use the stuff as leverage to cause more chaos. There have been other members who have paid for storage which only delayed the inevitable and found that their ex partners kept asking for another couple of week... and another couple of weeks. The bills soon racked up.

To clarify, GF (exGF) has moved into a friends house and not with you. You are the sole signatory on the tenancy agreement and council tax?

Enabler

[G1B8oN]

I've tried talking to my family, I even sent them a couple of internet links and gave my mum a copy of the bits of SWOE that refer to how BPD comes about and how it affects those who have it. Frankly, all they seem to see is that she's faulty, damaged goods and that it'll never work and she'll never get better. They seem to have her painted black and are disappointingly low on empathy for her. I've always found my family to be quite judgemental so perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised. I too used to be very judgemental and it's something my partner has called me out on and made me see that particular flaw. I've worked on being less judgy and I now look at my family and feel embarrassed that I was like that too.

She definitely only seems to be willing to view her actions as nothing less than heroic and apparently I'm just cross she went behind my back. Sometimes looking for empathy from her is like staring into an empty void. She might empathize with me a bit later once she's less angry, we'll see. Her anger tends to last a long time and until it's dissipated a bit there's no point trying to reason with her.

Right now it's not so much me being serious about the split, she's the one who's instigated it and is sticking to her guns. My turn will come later I expect and I know already I'll find it hard to stick to it.

She's not moved to her friend's house yet as we're currently occupying two houses. With the stuff moved out it's made it easier to paint and clean the old house so it's mainly been an airbed on the floor! I'm the only one on the tenancy agreement yeah and I've not had chance to call the council yet but I won't be registering her to my address.

[formflier]

Glad you are getting moved in.

Looking back on it...how would you have rather handled the conversation about why the brother wasn't helping you move.

Also curious how often you ask and re-ask things (like going to get food).  Still trying to get a handled on the "dynamic" between you two.

Best,

FF

[G1B8oN]

I used to nag and nag at times like that but learned early on that she just gets p*****d off. These days I'll tend to ask once..."would you like to get some dinner?" Then I'll give it about an hour and ask again but I won't ask more than twice.

The only way I'd have handled the conversation better would be to not tell her. To keep it vague and constantly have to deflect and make excuses for why she never gets to see any of my family except my dad. It's a mess and I wish I'd never spoken to any of my family about the relationship or gone to stay at my mum's house the times we've argued. My problem is that I can't hide my feelings, they're always written all over my fave and she and my family can read me like a book so I often figure what's the point of hiding stuff?

[formflier]

Do you see how even now there is still kinda an "assumption" that she "has a right to know" what goes on in your other relationships.

How about.."Hmmm...is this important to you?"  (hand it back to her)

if she says yes..

"I see...perhaps I'll chat with my brother more."

One observation:  Many times people from "judgmental" families are judgmental because there is so much information floating around to "judge". 

Here is the thing...don't let others "police" your other  relationships...

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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