Is this love?

[Inner Light]

I've been listening to Dr Les Carter's videos and I came across something that's got me thinking... He says that for someone with NPD, love is conformity; in other words conforming to their needs and expectations and standards and that love is evaluative, and that it is a duty. This rings so true in my marriage of 14 years. He has told me many times he feels less attracted to me when I'm "aggressive"... By which he means when I'm not conforming or when I'm  pushing back...

In fact there were years when he barely looked at me and I felt a lack of interest on his part although that has revived somewhat lately. He always buys me a nice gift on my birthday and checks on me when I'm sick... For him, his not leaving and commitment is his love. He rarely says he loves me... Maybe it gets written on the yearly birthday card. He rarely compliments me. He expresses affection and seems loving in the bedroom yet never spontaneously hugs me or reaches for my hand like he did before we married. When I complained about it, he consciously made an effort to hug me for a while. It didn't feel genuine but I appreciated the effort. I haven't catalogued here all the pointless petty conflict and haughty critical spirit here just to be concise...

My question I'm sitting with now is... Well am I fooling myself? Does he really love me?  We've both admitted we've stayed together for the kids. But I loved him madly for ten years; he maybe one. But I'm wondering is that enough? If he doesn't truly love me, what am I doing with him?

My sense of him is he has no idea what he needs and wants; what he loves. A few weekends ago we were in the mood for an outing with the kids and I suggested a museum. He grumbled that "museums aren't his thing" which I ignored as just odd, and stuck with that option since he hates long drives and this one is close. He has a degree in fine art and he himself is an artist. Once there he was thrilled by the art yet didn't seem to be aware that he doesn't accurately predict what makes him happy. All his crotchetiness of the day built up and I lost it that evening when he criticized dinner and it was just the straw that broke the camel's back... I just can't bear his condemning tone anymore.

So anyway how can this guy really see what he loves, who he loves...
Do you think your partner loves you fully? Is it worth it if it's a partial love?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.