My Set Statements

[pest947]

My BPD Loved one has been painting me black something fierce this week. It started when she thought I was not paying enough attention to her and escalated when I tired to explain my side. This is of course untrue but I took longer than normal lat Thursday.  I was nice, not yelling, but it was defensive and as I have learned here does not work with BPD>  I already sent these after minimal response from my BPS loved one. I have remained cheerful in loving in my responses  since even though she ha been distant and terse. This has happened several times before its like she has a 3 to 6 months cycle of this behavior. Anyway these are my SET statements and I already sent them. Just looking for advice and encouragement.

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“Good Morning” Love. I can see that you are upset with me and while I understand why you are upset, the way we have been going on is ineffective. I understand that you have felt like I have not present and that you could not count on which “me” you are getting from day to day. That must be frustrating to feel that way. However, I would ask that you look back on our call logs and texts and see that I have been there for you, calling you present and supportive the whole time leading up to last Thursday.  Even the comments I shared with you about “being myself” were around the physical effects of getting off SSRI that we talked about before and not my state of mind. This has felt like a very sudden turn to me and feels very different then leading up to this point.

 
I understand that you prefer communicating on the phone and I know this frustrates you. However, it has been difficult to know when to talk this week with the new schedule and minimal communication we have had. I love you, I want to see you, talk to you, be there with you, for you and celebrate with you and the family. Heck, I already bought gifts for you and Daniel. However, I have not felt welcomed at all in the way that I have been treated this week. I need to be good to myself and not put myself in a position where I feel that I am not being treated well and my thoughts are not being heard either. It has really put me at a loss as to what to do. Remember when this has happened before and how bad it felt after? That is not what I want. I love you.

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[once removed]

I can see that you are upset with me and while I understand why you are upset, the way we have been going on is ineffective
However
However
However
That is not what I want.

a person on the receiving end of this letter will hear little more than "what you are feeling/thinking/doing is wrong, here is what im feeling/thinking/doing and why its right". its JADEy, and it is defensive.

It started when she thought I was not paying enough attention to her and escalated when I tired to explain my side.

you dont need SET for this. if there is a good reason, it is worth explaining, but not more than once. if shes feeling you havent paid attention, that isnt something shes right or wrong about; its just how she feels. you dont need to defend yourself against how she feels.

just listen. ask validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0). in essence, give her attention in that moment. maybe top it off with a gesture...take her out for a good time, that sort of thing.

make sense?