Incarcerated BPD son playing the blame game

[FaithHopeLove]

My son is still in jail with no bail. We hired the fancy attorney he wanted (15K that he swears he will pay us back for) but he's mad because, in his mind, we didn't hire him soon enough and if we did he would be out by now. This may or may not be true but the fact is we don't have that kind of money lying around and really we didn't have to hire him at all. But of course facts are not what drives BPD rage. Feelings with a heavy dose of projection toward "safe" targets are. What words of wisdom do you have for me as I cope with my own feelings of sadness, frustration, and loss?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
What comes to mind is Radically Accepting this situation daily. You don’t have to be ok with any of it, but you just need to keep accepting what is, is-on a daily basis. The other thing that occurred to me is Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on Self Compassion. She has great exercises on this. She’s highly acclaimed and her work is scientifically evidence based. I love her!

If you feel at all like I did when I was in this same situation, I struggled so much with the fact that I was dealing with a situation that was in direct conflict with all my core values.
Illegal behavior, jail, drugs, attys fees, court...
All this created internal conflict for me and I had to detach in a healthy way.  Does any of this resonate?

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Peace Mom
What resonates is what you said about core values. The crime (drug trafficking) is against every value I have and every value my son was raised with. If he was in jail because he engaged in civil obedience out of moral principles I would gladly support him. But drug trafficking? And I am supposed to be on his side? I can't.

[PeaceMom]

My profession was in the legal world, too and that was my struggle, as well. The radically accepting what is vs living in denial is so hard. It’s a daily thing for me.

Once I accept what is today, I can grieve it and move on in a wiser mindset thinking thru -what else I’m I willing to do (or not do)? how does this affect me at my core? am I being true to myself? am I resentful bc I've done too much or too little? This is all so recent for you, but you’ve had to jump in and problem solve. Bows the time to grieve, Faith.  Be kind to you, Faith.

(Excuse my typos-phone keypad is too small!)

Hugs,
Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

I don't think I am in denial but I might not be 100% accepting either because it still hurts. I will be leaving the country soon for three months. That means even if he gets out on probation ( a possibility ) we won't see each other until Thanksgiving
 Maybe that's a good thing.

[PeaceMom]

The break until Thanksgiving might be time to heal. Time has a way of doing that, right?  Could you plan to e-mail your H letters to print out (maybe even handwrite a letter and take a picture of it and email that to H) and stick in the mail to your son every few days as a way to stay current and connected? I remember typing some letters (when I had details to hammer out) and then handwriting more supportive, loving “mom” letters to my son.
I’m sure your upcoming trip is adding to your conflicted feelings.

[livednlearned]

What words of wisdom do you have for me as I cope with my own feelings of sadness, frustration, and loss?

I feel you are already so wise, Faith.

In your own post, you recognize that he may not pay you back, despite his promise.

You recognize that he may or may not be out on bail because of the timing of the L -- it's hard to say, no one really knows.

You recognize that feelings are facts, and he is projecting onto safe targets.

Your wisdom is palpable. It shines through.

I don't see that you are paying for an L because you support his values, which are so different from your own (painful). I see that you are paying in the hopes that a good L will create a viable chance for him to go to rehab, a gamble that a loving parent makes. Hope springs eternal.

You are going on your trip despite his legal troubles and that is a sign of profound strength. This situation will likely look so different when you put a continent or two between you, changing every second, minute, hour, week, month. I imagine your heart growing to contain this grief in ways that could never happen if you stayed.

I echo PeaceMom's wise sentiments to be kind to yourself, and to practice self-compassion.  

[FaithHopeLove]

Peace Mom, There is no mail service where I am going but there is email and even phone service. I told my son that once I get an African number he can call me, probably even call from jail. So light hearted and supportive communication can happen.

L and L I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. I will take care of myself particularly since I know I am going from one hard situation to another (My teaching ministry is hard core ) God is with me. So are my family and friends and all of you. I will make it to Thanksgiving probably stronger than ever.

[MomSA]

What comes to mind is something I read about in one BPD book about them having a personalised clock for people. Moms tend to be demanded to deliver.right.now. in their minds as they cannot handle the wait.

Add to that your son is uncomfortable, and he probably doesn't have distress tolerance skills.

Add to that your son does not accept blame as then guilt will follow and shame and those are too painful for him.

I think you know these things, Dear One, and I know how much it hurts to be on the receiving side of the unjust blame...so I do hope it will slide off you.

[PeaceMom]

Fascinating about the “personalized time clock”. Would love to read more about that. Do you recall which book?

[MomSA]

Hi PeaceMom

Yes, it was "When Your Daughter has BPD"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Thanks MomSA. I have the book and will reread.  So glad to hear your DD is doing ok.