DD16 in rtc

[StressedOutDaily]

I know I have been silent for a few weeks...a lot going on - after running away and being picked up by the police, our DD16 spent 10 days on the adolescent inpatient floor of the local psychiatric hospital.   (Her first)  We were able to get her into a short term residential treatment facility and she has been there for 10 days.   It has been both very difficult and at the same time a huge relief.   It was a heart wrenching decision to send her to the rtc, and we know she is safe - we have been able to sleep at night for the first time in months.   
They tell us she is doing well, participating, respectful, etc... of course she isn't fully participating..not yet owning up to all the stuff she has been doing, and saying.  I am hoping that her time there will be beneficial to her.   We saw her this past Monday for our first family therapy session- it was the first time in a week. The meeting was going well until she asked about discharge.  She demanded that she was going to come home on Saturday (today), and when we didn't agree she became dysregulated (which was sad, but good...they had not seen that side of her yet) we had to say goodbye.  We had a conference call on Thursday with our DD, our family therapist, her counselor to let her know that she would not be coming home today (she was never told she might be coming home, she just decided that 10 days was long enough).  Again she became dysregulated, started swearing, slammed out of the room.  Unfortunately today was family day - we were not able to visit with her .  Her team feels she need a little more time and more skills before she is ready to see us.  We will be doing our next family therapy session on a video call -  Hopefully we will be able to see her in person in 2 weeks. 

DH and I aren't sure what to do with ourselves!  We have been in hyper vigilant mode for so long its hard to come down from that.   We have been spending more time with DS20... Even though he is older and an "adult", our home has been so chaotic, especially the last year or so,  it has effected him and our relationship with him.  I have seen a difference in DS the last two weeks.  He is spending more time with us,  hanging out just watching tv with us, volunteering to go on errands with us or just joining us for a walk, which is so nice.   

We hadn't shared our DD's struggles with our families, but with the first day of school coming up,  a few other traditions that we won't be attending, and a few family members fishing around for info, we decided tonight we would let immediate family know.   I sent an email to our parents, siblings, and a couple of other close "family". The email basically said we wanted to share that she had been struggling with her emotions for awhile, and that this summer had been particularly difficult.  We told them she was in a rtc, we didn't know for how long, or what the next steps would be.  We said that in respect for her privacy we wouldn't be sharing details, and we requested information not be shared outside immediate family.  We also said that at this time the best way to support us was with understanding and prayers.   I sent it out late, so that no one would call us tonight (Im a chicken!)     So we will see what happens!
~sod

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Stressed,
Just checking in quickly here, but I’m so glad you updated ya. I’ve been hoping you were resting and enjoying the break at home. Our other children suffer so much, it’s simply tragic. I know your DS is appreciating the one on one with you both and the calm house.  Maybe this can be a new normal-spending quality time w/DS even if it feels threatening to DD st first.

We’ve had a few breaks from DD19 uBpd over the years and the calm feeling in the home is simply wonderful. I hope her team helps you establish some new boundaries to maintain peace in your home.

We always created typed up rule/ consequence lists after each psych ward visit, but we didn’t know the 3 biggies w/BPD (validation, S.E.T., and Don’t J.A.D.E.) so the rules were violated and the cycle started again.

I really like the email you sent to fam. It’s succinct, but sets boundaries and expectations. Maybe you can explain a bit more to certain folks as you feel led. My T said, “people need to earn the right to hear your story” -I’ve applied this to family members, too.

Hugs,
Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Stressed Out Daily
It is so painful when they rage like that. I know what you mean about the sense of relief when our BPD children are safely in residential. I have felt that every time my son was in locked psychiatric wards and to some extent now that he is in jail. (I would like jail better if he was getting treatment.) Sometimes we don't realize the stress we have been under until we get a break from it. I am glad you are using this time to take care of yourself

[MomSA]

Hi sod

I am so glad she is now in a safe place and I hope this gives you the time to breathe.

When our daughter was away from us for 3 months we did a lot of relationship work between the two of us and yes, we focused on our two sons. It was still a traumatic time for us, just as you described with the demanding to come home and the dysregulation.

My advice is not to let her come home until the counsellors say so. We eventually gave in to her emotional blackmail and also her show of good behaviour at rehab, and she came home a month early. It was terrible as none of us had the skills we needed when she came home in April.

Now that she is in therapy she is doing so well, holding down her job, even moved into her own place. We have just passed the year mark from when our lives went haywire with her and are deeply pleased on one side at how much the DBT skills have helped us all. On the other we know she still has risky behaviours but they are hers to deal with now.

[livednlearned]

Hi StressOutDaily,

How did family members respond to your email?

It's wonderful to hear that you and DS20 are reconnecting, that your house is feeling calm as DD16 adjusts to rtc.

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi all...

The email was well received - at least we think so.  We got very supportive and loving responses back.  We sent it to our parents (DD's grandparents), my siblings and DH's sister, and our neighbors who live next door - they have been like surrogate grandparents to our kids, we moved in next to them 24 years ago - and they are part of our family.   Surprisingly, we have not heard a peep from them, which really surprises me. Our houses are just divided by our driveway.  We typically see them almost everyday - but not since I sent the email Sunday night.     

Tomorrow I will see DD at our family therapy session.  DH will be participating by video, since he can't make the drive because of work.  I already know she is going to beg to come home but DH and I are both in agreement that she needs to stay, I love her, and this is what is best for her right now.   Hopefully, like the last family session, the therapist will have told DD that discharge questions need to wait until near the end of the session - and we can get some good stuff done before that.

~SOD