Introduction

[Catania]

Hello BPD Family,
I am happy to have found this group. 

My son R is 18 and was diagnosed with BPD last year. He has suffered from emotional dysregulation and Oppositional Defiant Disorder since his early elementary school years.  While his behavior was difficult from age 8 on, things significantly worsened after puberty. At the beginning of 9th grade, he stopped going to school, became addicted to video games and became physically and verbally violent at home.  Seeking a radical change in environment and intensive intervention, I sent R to a wilderness program followed by therapeutic boarding school in the middle of 9th grade.   During his 20 months away, he seemed to make an amazing recovery from all his former issues but unfortunately he reverted to old ways within a month of coming home.  All the intervention resulted in little change whatsoever.  I don't believe any of the therapists working with him during his time away knew that he had BPD, so much of their work with him was ineffective.

My son attended two years of regular boarding school after his time at a therapeutic boarding school, and graduated (barely) with a slew of D-'s on his report card.  R turned 18 earlier this month and is set to leave for college in a few weeks. This summer has been a complete and total nightmare.  R has been violent with his older brother, has refused to abide by household rules, kept on getting fired from jobs, and flies into rages when he feels disrespected (and about anything sets him off).  When he is set off, he bellows and knocks things over and can get physically violent with his brother.  Last night in a fit of anger, he went into my room twice and set about ransacking and breaking my belongings.  I am counting down the days until he moves into his dorm (six days), and after that I plan on changing the locks on my apartment and never letting him back in.

Getting R out of the house will not solve his problems and I am very concerned about how he is going to turn out.  He refuses to deal with reality, avoids any and all responsibilities, and blames me for all his problems.  I am drafting an agreement he must abide by in order to get financial support.  If he does not comply, I will cut him off.  I am divorced and his father does not have anything to do with him.  R's older brother is ambitious, well adjusted and successful in college and in life, and no longer wants to have anything to do with his brother either due to years of violence and chaos created by R.  So R finds himself isolated and depressed, yet continues to exhibit behavior that does not serve him (though he has been taught the tools to behave appropriately).

All in all,  I am worn down.  My self care is good and I do my best not to let R's blaming me for all his misfortune get to me. When he tells me what an awful mother I am, I know it's the BPD talking.  I am looking forward to learning more from the community. Thanks for having me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

Welcome!

Although the situation that brings you here is difficult, we are glad that you found your way to us. There are members here who have experienced similar situations with their children and can offer help and support.

What is the primary issue causing you the most stress now?

Do you think, under current circumstances, that he will be successful in college and dorm life?

[PeaceMom]

Catania,
I understand being so relieved when your DS moves away. You have been going thru a scary time with him. No one should have to live with destruction and violence in their home. Are you safe now?  People here can provide resources for you if you are in any fear for your safety.

College and dorm life will be very challenging and from what I’ve seen it rarely goes better than a parent expects or anticipates. This is even more true if there is any instability already present in the student. Drugs, alcohol, sleepless nights and minimal overall wellness balance can really throw them off.  Would your son be willing to go ahead and set up some appointments with the campus counseling office? If so, try to do that now vs. when crisis arises.

I know you are ready for a much needed break, but planning ahead may really help if this college plan isn’t sustainable.
I do not mean to sound pessimistic, I’m just sharing from personal experience w/MH issues and college kids.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Catania
I join Gagrl and PeaceMom in welcoming you to the group. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and not taking your son's attacks personally. College is a challenging time for people with BPD who are out of their parents' house for the first time. That is when my son really started falling apart. You are wise to be thinking ahead. I think establishing boundaries around your financial support is a great idea. What else are you thinking about in terms of ground rules?
hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

During his 20 months away, he seemed to make an amazing recovery from all his former issues

I wonder what was working for him during that time ... ?

How did he respond when learning he was diagnosed with BPD?

The transition to college can be tough for kids who don't have issues with emotion regulation. Is his college far?

[Isanni]

Sorry to hear your troubles. I too am told I'm the source of all my daughter's issues. She needed to get high this weekend for her depression that's caused by me!

We are getting ready to tell our daughter she needs to get more, different treatment or go to a therapeutic boarding school. When she's 18, I'm going to be done with this. She can hit rock bottom solo. We've done training, therapy -I've even taken dbt courses - and have subjected our other child to nonsense.

Like many with bpd, she goes to therapy to learn how to change us, not to strengthen herself. Her sense of well being is driven only by external influences - is the boyfriend around, do we give her things, can she constantly be on her phone, do we make the food she wants, do we drive her where she wants to go. If everyone caters, she's stable. As soon as boundaries come in, she's dysregulated and blaming us for her depression and wanting to cut and die. 

It affects me most when she causes harm to other kids - the boyfriend, my other child.

I'm guessing 50% come out ok but the other 50% don't live a life worth living.