A phone call from the police.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all.

Really not in a very good place right now and seeking a bit of advice from a daunting experience I'm about to endure but first more "fun" to waffle on about.

I had a phone call from police last week stating that I had to go see them or there would be a warrant out for my arrest following threatening messages I have sent my ex.
So I go through the usual brain trauma over the course of the week, "Did I send messages?" " am I going to jail? Who will look after the kids?" " have I sent messages but forgot? Am I going mad? Am I ill?" "Has she messaged herself but blamed me?" All kinds of stuff going through my mind. I go to the station and I'm bumbling away like an idiot, stuttering and shaking, sweating and acting guilty as hell. My ex claims I have threatened all sorts through a contact made on a specific date. I show the officer all contacts and messages from the last 3mths, quite clearly NC since she stopped me seeing my son (again). There is no evidence and quite clearly no threats apart from me saying I will do what needs to be done so my child is away from a sex offender, the officer agrees my concerns are warranted. There is no further action to be taken thank God.
After my interview the officer asks what is wrong with me because of my current state, I proceed to explain a short version of the events of the last 5yrs and that I'm traumatised, the officer knew I was and started to ask a few questions because she said she has seen this before. Anywho, because there has been instances of me being hospitalized (long embarrassing stories) in the past, the officer thinks a non molestation order will be perfect for me to help hugely in my recovery. This order will prevent my ex from making contact or using the kids to ask me questions etc. That just sounds too good to be true but I think it's what I need as my T has told me I will never recover unless I have full NC, it's my best shot. She has referred me to some agency or other and I'm waiting for a call, it will cost me but I would sell what's left of my soul for full NC.
I go there a suspect and leave a victim, crazy stuff if I'm honest.

I have been a very busy bee and here is where I need a bit of advice. Upon trying to gain access to my son I came to find that I actually need to attend mediation before I can apply to the courts, I wasn't told this before and I was a bit miffed because it's initially £100 just for a chat!
I thought just do it so payed and had the "chat" Friday. I sat and waffled on for about half an hour describing the issues surrounding this huge mess whilst this mediator is jotting down notes in her book and she suddenly stops and closes her book and interrupts me "mediation is not going to work for you, do you have money for a solicitor? You need to seek custody of your son". I know I said but I cannot afford it at present. "Are you in therapy? Do you know what your dealing with?" Yes I said. She is going to send me "page 9" i think she said then I have to send the forms off (already filled out) along with my parenting plan. I will be representing myself and I am just overwhelmed by having to sit in court with my ex. The mediator (lovely woman) also commented on how she can tell I'm not doing too good so how the hell am I supposed to go to court without looking like an absolute mess? I don't even know what to say or do at court so that's where I'm seeking a bit of advice. I have to do it for my son but I just don't know how I'm going to.

I have also pulled the trigger on divorce, it is payed for and I will NOT be changing my mind.

My ex will get a call informing her I do not wish to mediate, that I am seeking access to my son, that she will be going to court. Also a letter stating I am divorcing her along with a non molestation order in process.

I need to find a very, very deep bunker...

LT.

[Longterm]

Hi all.

Really not in a very good place right now and seeking a bit of advice from a daunting experience I'm about to endure but first more "fun" to waffle on about.

I had a phone call from police last week stating that I had to go see them or there would be a warrant out for my arrest following threatening messages I have sent my ex.
So I go through the usual brain trauma over the course of the week, "Did I send messages?" " am I going to jail? Who will look after the kids?" " have I sent messages but forgot? Am I going mad? Am I ill?" "Has she messaged herself but blamed me?" All kinds of stuff going through my mind. I go to the station and I'm bumbling away like an idiot, stuttering and shaking, sweating and acting guilty as hell. My ex claims I have threatened all sorts through a contact made on a specific date. I show the officer all contacts and messages from the last 3mths, quite clearly NC since she stopped me seeing my son (again). There is no evidence and quite clearly no threats apart from me saying I will do what needs to be done so my child is away from a sex offender, the officer agrees my concerns are warranted. There is no further action to be taken thank God.
After my interview the officer asks what is wrong with me because of my current state, I proceed to explain a short version of the events of the last 5yrs and that I'm traumatised, the officer knew I was and started to ask a few questions because she said she has seen this before. Anywho, because there has been instances of me being hospitalized (long embarrassing stories) in the past, the officer thinks a non molestation order will be perfect for me to help hugely in my recovery. This order will prevent my ex from making contact or using the kids to ask me questions etc. That just sounds too good to be true but I think it's what I need as my T has told me I will never recover unless I have full NC, it's my best shot. She has referred me to some agency or other and I'm waiting for a call, it will cost me but I would sell what's left of my soul for full NC.
I go there a suspect and leave a victim, crazy stuff if I'm honest.

I have been a very busy bee and here is where I need a bit of advice. Upon trying to gain access to my son I came to find that I actually need to attend mediation before I can apply to the courts, I wasn't told this before and I was a bit miffed because it's initially £100 just for a chat!
I thought just do it so payed and had the "chat" Friday. I sat and waffled on for about half an hour describing the issues surrounding this huge mess whilst this mediator is jotting down notes in her book and she suddenly stops and closes her book and interrupts me "mediation is not going to work for you, do you have money for a solicitor? You need to seek custody of your son". I know I said but I cannot afford it at present. "Are you in therapy? Do you know what your dealing with?" Yes I said. She is going to send me "page 9" i think she said then I have to send the forms off (already filled out) along with my parenting plan. I will be representing myself and I am just overwhelmed by having to sit in court with my ex. The mediator (lovely woman) also commented on how she can tell I'm not doing too good so how the hell am I supposed to go to court without looking like an absolute mess? I don't even know what to say or do at court so that's where I'm seeking a bit of advice. I have to do it for my son but I just don't know how I'm going to.

I have also pulled the trigger on divorce, it is payed for and I will NOT be changing my mind.

My ex will get a call informing her I do not wish to mediate, that I am seeking access to my son, that she will be going to court. Also a letter stating I am divorcing her along with a non molestation order in process.

I need to find a very, very deep bunker...

LT.

[ForeverDad]

You did good.

You stood up for yourself and your child.  Yes, you have a history of being controlled, intimidated and maligned.  It's devastating that a parent can make completely bogus claims (legal-speak: "unsubstantiated" allegations) and not experience prompt consequences.  Yet that's not uncommon since - at first - the professionals may not be sure who's telling the truth at first and whether it is more than the usual emotional claims made in divorces.

You had proof of reasonable communication with the stbEx.  You also knew she couldn't really have proof you were abusive or threatening.  Still, you were shaken since you have lived a defensive life for so long.  Remember this:  The deeper you go through this divorce process (1) she will probably make even more extreme claims but (2) you will become stronger over time knowing that your behaviors before all (with court and all the associated professionals) will eventually speak for itself.  Yes, court may initially give mother some historical gender default preferential treatment, but her poor behaviors and your appropriate behaviors will eventually become even more evident than what the professionals thus far have discerned.

Stay strong, become stronger... in your inner strength, parenting and overall self-confidence.  Your therapist and the peer support here will help greatly.  Remember this too:  Don't let your ex isolate you from support.  Don't fail to contact your counselor or your peer support here, especially when discouraged.  We can't help you if you don't return regularly to update us on the current problems and stresses.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi LT,

I don't know too much about the legal process here, but I do want to echo Forever Dad and say that yes, you did good. You are doing the right thing for your child, and now you have a record of an allegation made against you that was false.

I also think that it will work in your favor that you already have custody of the other kids.

Do you think your ex will find a way to hire an attorney, or will she also represent herself?

[GaGrl]

This could be a turning point -- good work!

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps you should visit the police again and ask for copies of whatever documentation (allegation, report, outcome summary, officer's names, etc) they have.  Court relies on documentation.  Better to have paperwork that is never needed than to need it and not have it or have to scramble for it.

[Longterm]

Hi FD.

 It's devastating that a parent can make completely bogus claims (legal-speak: "unsubstantiated" allegations) and not experience prompt consequences. 

I always secretly felt privileged that I had never had police involved after reading others stories but man I was naive. It was all a bit of a joke to be honest, I thought about the threats I made regarding my son and was questioning myself wondering if that was ok and acceptable. The officer knew what was going on, I didn't even understand some of the questions because they made no sense. The last thing I want is to cause my ex harm, screw that and the consequences but they have to investigate she said. Nonsense, I sent no messages and made no threats to her, I never contacted her that day or her me, I showed her all contacts on my phone and there was nothing.

  (1) she will probably make even more extreme claims 

I cannot do that again I feel, it was horrible and embarrassing, I thought they were going to lock me up and throw away the key.

 you will become stronger over time knowing that your behaviors before all (with court and all the associated professionals) will eventually speak for itself

I will say that the police and the mediator did make me feel better strangely enough, they made it very clear that I am not alone and they understand what's wrong with me, that these issues are becoming more prevalent and that the judicial system is waking up to the abuse of men, still embarrassing but did make me feel better.

 Yes, court may initially give mother some historical gender default preferential treatment, but her poor behaviors and your appropriate behaviors will eventually become even more evident than what the professionals thus far have discerned.

The mediator thinks I have a very good case to seek custody and said I should given my exes out of control behaviour and the risk she has placed my son in. I've not dismissed the idea entirely but she also said the court may ask my son given the circumstances, his wishes and feelings. He could in theory end up with me if he speaks out. I doubt it will happen but you never know right? She may be seen as vulnerable initially but her behaviour the past 2yrs in particular will literally speak for itself, it is fact, no BS, no exaggeration but fact.

 Stay strong, become stronger... in your inner strength, parenting and overall self-confidence.

This, but how? I feel like I have very little left, I am breaking again. The doc has put me on beta blockers, I have constant pain in my left arm now, excruciating IBS, my body is like breaking too. I cannot concentrate, my memory is ridiculous and I cannot speak without stuttering, I need to find something from somewhere but I don't know what I have left here, I need this woman out my life on a permanent basis for my own sanity and wellbeing.

 Your therapist and the peer support here will help greatly

I did say when my ex ran off again that I would be in therapy by the time I initiated divorce and she would help me through it but you have no idea how lucky I feel to have got the therapist I did. To have somebody in real life who knows exactly what is wrong with me is amazing and very comforting. I know I can talk here and I do thank you all for listening to me waffle on, I'm like a broken record I feel with the dissonance overflowing.

 We can't help you if you don't return regularly to update us on the current problems and stresses.

The current problems and stresses are ridiculous, I've lost count of appointments this month already with the kids and myself,  it's getting a bit too much and I need this all to come to an end one way or another.

The emotional side itself is especially crippling the past few days. I feel guilty for initiating divorce, I offered her counselling, I told her she needed help. I have given her more compassion than I ever thought I was capable of whilst she destroyed all our lives and even then I gave her the opportunity to make it right because I know she is not very well. I know deep down I have tried to fix her and my family but ultimately I cannot fix any of it, I know this but I still feel like I am punishing her for being ill. I mean it's crazy right? Especially when you take into account everything she has done. I'm just sick of the spaghetti head I have, I know there's nothing I could have done and I have to focus on that.

Hi IAR.

 You are doing the right thing for your child, and now you have a record of an allegation made against you that was false. 

The mediator said this too. I have a lot on my ex in actuality. She has never paid a penny in maintenance, she has abandoned the children, she has failed to be there when they get home several times, she has never asked to see them regularly, she forced my son to live with a sex offender, I can prove her mental health issues, I could literally go on and this is why a claim for custody would be very favourable for me, not to mention I have kids living with me already, a steady job for several years, my own place etc, all the good stuff. We literally went in 2 separate directions, I lost the dysfunctional factor and made many changes, she lost the stabilizing factor and self destructed. I can prove it all. I still have emails from 2yrs ago when this all imploded.

 Do you think your ex will find a way to hire an attorney, or will she also represent herself?

No chance. She has no job and will be back on drugs by now, she has no money and will have to represent herself if she attends at all.

Hi GaGrl.

 This could be a turning point -- good work!

One can only hope.

LT.

[livednlearned]

Hi LT,

I wanted to say how much I admire you. I felt the same way going to court, like it would break me. The fear of being in the same elevator with my ex led me to walk 7 flights of stairs (which strangely was calming) before my first hearing. I hid in the bathroom out of fear of seeing him waiting in the hall before court doors were opened.

I trembled while sitting and waiting, and could not stop my body from jerking. It was awful and embarrassing. A friend suggested I do the power pose so I did, I went into a bathroom stall and like a complete lunatic stood there for two minutes in a power pose. If she had suggested stand on my head I probably would've done that too.

My ex was a former trial attorney and court was his second home. I felt like I was walking into his turf and would not make it out alive.

I asked two law enforcement to walk me to my car after the hearing.

Do you read to help make sense of things? If so, The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book that can help explain what's happening in our bodies when we relive these traumas.

Imagine us with you in court, your own peanut gallery of friends who have felt what you feel and not only survived those moments but became stronger because of them. Doesn't mean it will feel good or be easy, only that in doing these things we somehow learn what it feels like in the body to stand up to a bully.

You will be standing up for yourself and your son and that is seriously badass  

[Longterm]

Hi FD.

  Perhaps you should visit the police again and ask for copies of whatever documentation (allegation, report, outcome summary, officer's names, etc) they have.  Court relies on documentation.  Better to have paperwork that is never needed than to need it and not have it or have to scramble for it.

I did say to the officer that I feel things may escalate and she said everything is filed so there will be history. I'm unsure if I can request documentation though, either way it is logged that there were unfounded allegations.

Hi livednlearned 

  I hid in the bathroom out of fear of seeing him 

I was actually thinking this morning about ways I could avoid being near her and hiding in the bathroom was one of my ideas 

  My ex was a former trial attorney and court was his second home. I felt like I was walking into his turf and would not make it out alive. 

Oh wow, here's me thinking I have it bad and your ex was an attorney, that must of been very intimidating knowing he would of felt extremely comfortable.

I asked two law enforcement to walk me to my car after the hearing.  

I will be last to walk out the building, it will be a case of me sitting on the toilet for around 30 minutes to make sure she has left the building.

Do you read to help make sense of things? If so, The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book that can help explain what's happening in our bodies when we relive these traumas. 

This is a bit strange to explain but I did used to read a lot before all this but have struggled with my concentration recently. My T has given me a few books to read and strangely enough I have managed to read them, a few pages having to be re read, but I've managed it. I have heard of that book and will be reading it at some point, i just have 1 more to read before my next therapy (friday). I read a book last week called "psychopath free" and i found it hugely relatable. The guy who wrote it spoke of a deep "sadness" that he experienced. I wrote about a deep sadness i feel a while back and i know of what he speaks. It's not depression but something else, a very deep and personal violation, your very soul having been damaged, i honestly believe it is the loss of self, complete detachment from the very core of who you are and all you have ever known, it is a life altering experience that promotes rebuilding and growth, i am not grieving my marriage so much but grieving the loss of who i am/was. A bit deep for a Tuesday afternoon but damn, I'm enjoying reading again.

Thank you.

LT.

[worriedStepmom]

It's not depression but something else, a very deep and personal violation, your very soul having been damaged, i honestly believe it is the loss of self, complete detachment from the very core of who you are and all you have ever known, it is a life altering experience that promotes rebuilding and growth, i am not grieving my marriage so much but grieving the loss of who i am/was. A bit deep for a Tuesday afternoon but damn, I'm enjoying reading again.

Self-care is so very important.  During my divorce I made a list of all of the things that made me smile.  Everything I could think of, from as simple as lighting a candle to as complicated as going on a trip.  Every day, I made myself do one thing on the list.  Sometimes literally all I could manage was lighting the darn candle, taking a breath, and blowing it out.  Other days I had it more together and could go for a walk or do something else off the list.  The key point was that every single day this little action reminded me a) that I MATTERED and b) that I had interests I'd lost.

Do you have a self-care routine?

[worriedStepmom]

I am also an avid reader, and when I couldn't focus on my favorite genres, I switched to a new one - thrillers.  My husband sometimes tracks my mood but what I'm reading.  I tend to read books with gruesome deaths in them when I'm mad at SD's mom.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello LT;
    Wow, quite the situation you find yourself in.  I tend to lurk in here mostly, but wanted to let you know the advice in here is first  rate.  Please ensure you make self-care a priority.  As they brief when you fly, "put your mask on first".  As WSM states above, simple things will make all the difference.  For me, it was getting in a short run or a quick visit to the gym.  Even if the run was only for 100 feet, it was my run, my time.  Try to eat well and make time for quality sleep...even if you don't sleep well.  Here is a technique I use whenever I must sleep: https://independent.co.uk/life-style/national-napping-day-2019-fall-asleep-fast-military-trick-sleep-a8817826.html.  Breathe.

Good luck.  Do the correct things for yourself first, then you'll be able to protect and defend others.  It's a long and bumpy journey.  Take it one step at a time.   jdc

[Longterm]

  WSM.

  Do you have a self-care routine?

Mary (my T) keeps going on about taking myself out of my own thought processes and asking myself "what do I need right now?" I find it extremely difficult to do this but I am and have tried little things. One of those things was meditation I tried (eventually) last week and I must say I found it a very strange yet relaxing experience. It was aimed at helping me cut the chord. I forget the name of the meditation (memory is very poor right now) but i was on a bridge with me and my ex meeting in the middle imagining a chord connecting us. Now I have had many visions and dreams about this chord and my inability to sever it, I have hacked away at it with all kinds of tools to no avail. During this meditation I cut through it like it was butter? She stood there like the cat from shrek, all butter wouldn't melt and I did not care? Leaving her on the bridge as I walked into a field of grass and sunshine. A very surreal experience, the tightness in my chest also subsided for the first time in literally months and I felt extremely tired and fell to sleep, I will be doing more of it but it's finding the time, I am constantly busy or stressed and need to somehow find the time to put myself first sometimes. I do enjoy hobbies and have plenty so even doing some of that could help.

Hi jdc.

  Try to eat well and make time for quality sleep

I have told many people to do this yet are not eating very well at all and I have no excuse really considering there's food there, I'm just not eating it. I need to improve this. I have struggled with sleep for years so I was very happy with the link you posted, I will definitely be trying the technique out 

Thank you.

LT.

[Julian]

Been a while since I've been here, came to write a post describing my situation... but it looks like Longterm has done all the work for me 

Woke up to two keystone coppers on my door, 7 hours in a cell later I'm then told to go home (minus my phone), and to come back in September to decide whether my malicious e-mail warrants them pressing charges (containing 0 threats, but fairly colourful, perversely asking her to stay away from me, as she continues to spread lies to the children's school staff about me).

Best bit? children are with me. I'm their primary carer for 6 out of 7 days. I also work full time AND earn more than her while looking after them after my work.

I love it mate      I've won.

Your son might/might not be with you (she initially had custody of mine before she fell apart, and I finally got them). Doesn't matter. Focus on all your children. Never, ever let courts, allegations, coppers or procedures bog you down mate.

This is my 2nd arrest, 7 years ago it was my apparently being a paedophile according to her...   same cell, same station, guess what? 0 charges, still here  and the children would walk on hot coal for me because they know I'd give every ounce of me to them.

Your children are worth the fight. They'll grow and come to know who was in the trenches, and who was the drama queen.

As others stated eat well, go out and do the gym or whatever it is you need to stay in relatively good health for one simple reason: Be there for those children at the finish line. Make sure you're there for them to look up to.

Best of luck.

[Longterm]

  Julian.

  Focus on all your children

Yes, this has been my main focus, getting a bigger place etc and just generally being there for them I guess.

  Never, ever let courts, allegations, coppers or procedures bog you down mate.

I understand the need but it's incredibly difficult at times I feel. I can deal with most things but her contact is the real killer. Me and the kids had relative silence for 2 months and then all of a sudden there is loads of contact in a very short time towards all of us with police thrown in for good measure. Last time this happened it dragged me down then too And there was horrible consequences for everybody involved.

  7 years ago 

This has been going on 7yrs for You? That fills me with dread if I'm honest, I need this to end yesterday.

  Your children are worth the fight. They'll grow and come to know who was in the trenches, and who was the drama queen.
 

Yes they are and sadly they already have a very good understanding of who their mother is.

Thank you for your encouragement.

LT.

[Julian]

I can deal with most things but her contact is the real killer. Me and the kids had relative silence for 2 months and then all of a sudden there is loads of contact in a very short time towards all of us with police thrown in for good measure. Last time this happened it dragged me down then too And there was horrible consequences for everybody involved.

One of the painful lessons in dealing with exbpd's is that confrontation will come to you in one form or another mate. That is an inevitability.

You can be at your best behaviour and with the truest intentions for the children to experience both parents in a positive light and still the fight will come to you.

I found myself contorting into some really weird shapes and positions just to avoid that chaos/conflict... and still it came, still the police/social services and judges lined up.

To me, I found the best attitude to take is to say "Ok, I have to deal with this social service/police/judge now but what of it? so what? my kids know who I am, when all these bodies come and go (and they WILL go eventually) then it'll be me and the kids there at the end"

Just realise that:

• Conflict in most cases is an inevitability; we are all here on this board sharing war stories because there has ultimately been a conflict. It's horrible, but perversely it is normal in these cases.
• They make it as though it's your doing, sometimes even pushing you to do things you'd never dreamt you'd do. Just remember who you are and how this is not on you, no matter how they make you feel.
• Hold the fort. Make your boundaries clear (which looks as if you're doing it), establish you will Not be bullied and pushed around.
  
• It will pass.
• You and the kids at the finish line. Never how you start, it's how you finish.

This has been going on 7yrs for You? That fills me with dread if I'm honest, I need this to end yesterday.

9 years actually . That's when she 1st fell pregnant and the wheels have come off ever since. Had medication, started behaving normal, I fell into the age old trap of thinking it's behind us, got back together, happy accident later meant another child on the way and she disintegrated again.

That's my life though mate. Yours is different , your ex is different, your experiences will be a mix of how you respond and how her roller coaster operates. It needn't be 9 years or 9 days.

One thing I found in my case (perhaps it's common for other exbpd's, not sure) is how they hate routine. Like a cross to a vampire; seeing you minding your own business, go to your job, come home, have your favourite treat in the weekend, spend time with the kids etc will not sit well with their wheel spinning, they need to change the picture frequently, so drama will be manufactured, you will be made to look like a complete, aggressive bully (when they're doing all the proverbial pushing and shoving). They'll seek people of authority in uniform as some shelter from the big bad wolf.

Just stick to your thing while standing your ground. Never forget the struggle is for the children and how much it's all worth it.

[Longterm]

Hi again Julian 

Your words actually give me comfort to be honest and highlight the most important part for me which is the kids. She had 3 living with her initially and completely destroyed my character to them, friends and family. I was literally the most horrible human that ever drew breadth but you are correct, everybody knows the truth now and I managed that by not saying anything at all, I just let her get on with it and hoped and preyed the kids would not disown me. It was only because I had always been there for them that saved me, my heart goes out to all the nons that have lost their children because of these type of exes as I know how easy it can be. We have it fairly good right now if I'm honest, me and my daughter were in a tiny rented room whilst I saved for a bigger place and now the kids have their own rooms and we have a kitchen I look back and it was horrible but we got there didnt we. There is no shouting, no walking on eggshells, just peace and quiet and if I could just have zero contact from this woman life would pretty much be perfect.

I share similarities with your story and you have made me think about something my daughter mentioned. She has been exploring her relationship with her mom for a while and bought something to my attention recently. My ex had PND with the 3 eldest kids and went from wanting a child to not wanting them around. Her relationship with my daughter has always been non existent and my eldest son was favourite for a short while until the next came along and so on, so the kids were initially wanted until the next came along. I have clearly stated before that she simply does not want the 3 older kids and to my surprise schools and childrens services told me they knew she doesnt want them. I think she wants the unconditional love and does not want to be seen as a bad mother but simply does very little to build on these relationships, there is no substance to it. Now you said your ex went strange when the kids were born but you never mentioned PND, you said pyscotic episode. Was my ex wrongly diagnosed? It's an interesting question I feel and my daughter asked "did she have PND, or did she simply not want us?". I was with my ex for 20yrs and could write a book on this subject alone.

Thanks for your words Julian.

I do actually have an update on this. My ex has contacted my son today saying that the youngest can stop this weekend if i dont say anything about her or the rapist boyfriend. I have to keep getting the "rapist" word in dont I? I still find it shocking and disgusting. As I have stated, my son told me he did not want to be anywhere near this "man" and I told him he had options and he did not have to go back and live there, she promptly
 Accused meof brainwashing him and stopped contact. In my world my son has my surname, I am his dad and I will talk to him about whatever I want. He has stated that he feels like he can talk to me about anything and if he wants to discuss his feelings with me I'm not going to say that I cant talk to him because his mom will get mad, screw that crap. I have not replied and my son just responded with the go to generic response, dad is out.

I know exactly what has happened here. Mediation told me they would be contacting her within the week to let her know i have been to mediation and are seeking access through the courts, the mediator did state that a lot of exes do a u turn here but i should continue with my plans which i fully intend to do. If i stop now, access will simply be denied again at some point, past history dictates it, this is my test I guess and I'm not backing down, I promised that boy what I would do and that is all that needs to be said. Apparently her and the bf are going on a romantic break this weekend so that may have something to do with it too.

I was actually thinking last night, should I just go get him from nans once hes been dropped off or could that affect court proceedings? But it looks like I may have him stay anyway. I am actually off work Monday and do not intend to send my son back until Tuesday, she doesnt know this yet but whatever, I've not seen him for 6 weeks and depending on what he says, he may not go back at all.

LT.

[Longterm]

I got an email today saying my application for divorce was successful and papers have been sent to my ex, she will receive them tomorrow. I honestly believe I am emotionally dysregulating, I cannot sit still and am very much on edge right now, pretty extreme if I'm honest given I'm at work and there's only 2 other guys here that are not even interacting with me. The gates are locked and I am as safe as I can possibly be yet feel a very real and impending threat. Maybe I'm just over reacting and she will simply sign and sent the forms back and will not make contact at all? It still amazes me the affect this woman has on me and that brings me to my next subject.

Livedandlearned 

Thanks a lot for recommending the book "the body keeps count". I'm barely 30% in yet I am starting to understand what is wrong with me. I don't just mean in regards to my marriage but in regards to my whole life, that book is eye opening to say the least and I can see what has happened to me. I could type away here for hours explaining what that 30% has shown me. I need to take some serious time out and explore my behaviours, my thought processes and my whole conditioning, I just need to get rid of this woman first as she is holding me back from healing my inner self and maybe she always has.

LT.

[ForeverDad]

Well, one aspect of BPD is that while the person may have general behavioral patterns it is also difficult to predict specific behaviors for specific events.  So her action, reaction and overreaction could be from one extreme to the other.  Don't be surprised if she reverses course and tries to sweet talk you back into the marriage.  Beware, the past is a good predictor of the future.  Odds are, any such promises would fail soon after the case was dropped.  Actions over extended periods of time are the only thing you can rely upon, not quick promises.  If she had any "sudden insight" it would have come years ago.

There's a saying, "Hope for the best (or least bad) but prepare for the worst."  That said, besides keeping us updated here, have a friend or two nearby who can support you in the next few days.  If she comes to your home, best not to let her in, your residence is your turf.  Definitely have a friend with you when there is any contact so you can defend yourself from "he said, she said" allegations later which the court might (1) view as unsupported hearsay but also (2) default to protecting the claimed victim.

Me?  We did child exchanges at neutral locations away from either home for the next several years.  I always tried to record any contact, also for the next several years.  I did it quietly, I tried to avoid triggering even more incidents.  The purpose was not so much to make her look bad (court generally ignores enforcing consequences) as to document I wasn't the one being aggressive or behaving poorly.

[Longterm]

  FD.

  Don't be surprised if she reverses course and tries to sweet talk you back into the marriage.  Beware, the past is a good predictor of the future.  Odds are, any such promises would fail soon after the case was dropped.  Actions over extended periods of time are the only thing you can rely upon, not quick promises.  If she had any "sudden insight" it would have come years ago.

Luckily for me I have witnessed it first hand. I always thought that she would come back and to many degrees feared it. She did eventually after 18mths, she broke me down over a 3mth period, I posted about it here, I was literally suicidal. Her promises were extreme to say the least, I was 1 in a million, the love of her life, soulmate, the biggest mistake of her life was throwing me away. She wanted to sweep everything under the rug and move in with me, she knew there was something wrong and was going to get help, it was all very bizarre looking back. Then I pissed her off by going home early from a holiday she planned because I was uncovering her lies. She was back with the bf then cheated on him 8 days later, he cheated on her 3 weeks later and she cheated on him again? I am the devil again by now and well, you have read the rest. If she declared her undying love for me right now I would not be surprised at all if I'm honest but what's left to work with? The answer begins with "N". She did make 2 contacts on Friday wanting my number but I was in a world of my own after therapy. I did not respond, what's the point, there is nothing she could say and that's why I'm sort of grateful she came back, she answered my questions, I nor anybody else can fix that.

  If she comes to your home, best not to let her in, your residence is your turf

This too would not surprise me, I dread it happening.

There has been nothing today and I'm kinda hoping she just filled the paperwork out and sent it back. She has no leg to stand on so I'm hoping she just submits because I'm such a terrible person and she's glad to see the back of me.

LT.

[Longterm]

So I got an email earlier from the divorce people that had the heading "your wife has responded". After having the usual anxiety episode that follows any contact, I opened up the email and was very surprised to say the least.

She has admitted adultery!

I did not expect that to happen. When I was talking with the mediator she said to use adultery as a reason because stating unreasonable behaviour would mean I would have to state these unreasonable behaviours and it would give her more reasons not to sign. I always wanted to go with adultery but was worried she would not sign as she previously stated she would never admit adultery as she claimed she hadn't  committed adultery? Any who, I feel extremely lucky to have gotten away with it. I know she has no money to fight it and she literally had no leg to stand on but I expected problems.

As far as I'm aware, that's it now right? There is no way she can stop this divorce now and there's no reason a judge won't grant it? We are done  I had applied for the decree nisi within 5 minutes so will await a response.

It is sad, tragic even that this has all happened, the destruction of a family/marriage is a horrible experience. But I cannot help feeling a huge sense of relief and freedom, there was no other way and deep down I know that.

LT.

[livednlearned]

I'm glad to hear you've been given a small break, LT.

After the nuttery with the false allegation, it's good that this milestone was relatively pain free.

What happens next after this divorce nisi is filed?

[Longterm]

 

I'm glad to hear you've been given a small break, LT. 

After the nuttery with the false allegation, it's good that this milestone was relatively pain free. 
 

Oh, me too. You can see why I was expecting problems. I may still get problems but I'm pretty sure that she cannot stop this process now, only I can, and that's the important thing. Maybe she does not know what this means, or maybe I caught her at a moment when I was especially "satanish" in her mind.

  What happens next after this divorce nisi is filed?

To my knowledge (I'm no expert), there will be a court date set. Because she has admitted adultery, under English family law the judge will have no alternative but to grant a divorce. It can take months to get this court date. I will not have to attend thankfully. After I get the decree nisi I will have to wait 6 weeks and 1 day until I can apply for a decree absolute, once this is granted, we are divorced.

It's all about time now, I just have to stay strong and deflect any attempts at contact, she could very easily decide I'm god again so it's distance and strict NC because she will manipulate me if I allow it. Hopefully the bf wins the lottery and keeps her busy 

LT.

[SadtimesAZ]

Oh my friend welcome to the cycle I've been trapped in for almost 3 years. Nearly identical story only I actually got arrested for non threatening text messages trying to divorce my psychopath. I wish I lived in the UK, my divorce would have been over and she would have gone to jail for false allegations a long time ago. The false allegations are more of a sign of aspd but no one really seems to recognize that.

[Longterm]

  SadtimesAZ

The false allegations are more of a sign of aspd but no one really seems to recognize that. 

My therapist recognised this straight off the bat due to the exes treatment of the children. The kids therapists have told them to stay away from their mother and only have contact if it is consistent and meaningful. That's just incredibly sad right? I have said it many times but she simply does not want them, they serve no purpose to her and I agree wholeheartedly with the therapists, contact = pain and suffering.

My ex also accused me of saying the bf is a paeodophile and inappropriately touched my son, I'm glad to say I proved last week that I did not say these things.

LT.

[SadtimesAZ]

My son told his therapist mom is like a monster that keeps trying to take him away from me. Guess who got blamed for that? I did. Even with proof of alienating behavior by mom by filing false police reports and calling in welfare checks for absolutely no reason. At least your courts are recognizing that behavior and enforcing actions against parents for that. They won't do anything about it over here.

[Longterm]

I think the fallout for the family as a whole in these situations is devastating. The see my children suffer through so much is truly heartbreaking. To have somebody cause so much damage by lying/manipulating etc is bizarre and saddening, even after the fact when at times there is seemingly not much to gain, ultimately, nobody wins.

SadtimesAZ I feel your pain.

LT.