Where do I begin?

[Calseebo]

My mother was diagnosed with BPD years ago, and actually underwent quite a bit of intensive therapy and made a lot of progress as a result from the therapy & medications.  However...she has slowly been regressing for the past couple of years, and though we have talked several times about what has been happening, and the need for her to go back to therapy, she has refused, and has eventually dissolved into what I would call a full blown BPD rage.  It is currently directed at me, my sister, my father, & our employee at work.  She is quite simply not in touch with reality, and is making unreasonable demands, especially of my father: he needs to quit work, quit his position at the HOA, quit working out at the gym. She wants him to spend every waking minute with her...and it still will not be enough.  She accuses him of being a “skirt chaser” and philanderer, though he is neither, and has remained faithful to her for 57 years.  We have all read the “Walking on Eggshells” book, and are simply trying to cope.  Feeling like I should do “something”, though I realistically do not think there is anything I can do to influence her at the moment. 

In fact, she is so angry with me specifically for holding her accountable for her inappropriate actions with an employee (she has been retired for years, but Dad, Sister and I all work together).  She has gone to the extent of “unfriending” me on facebook, and removed me as a signer on her personal checking account, which I was only on as a convenience for her.  Just symptoms of the larger issue. 

Thankfully, she does not/has not acted out her rage physically, but she does a great job on the verbal and emotional abuse, and playing the victim and reconstructing reality to justify her actions.  It is so difficult to be here again after she came so far...but here we are.  Words of wisdom?  Recommendations?  TIA.

[No-One]

Hi Calseebo:
Welcome! Sorry your mom has regressed.  I can understand how frustrating it must be for you and other family members.

My mother was diagnosed with BPD years ago, and actually underwent quite a bit of intensive therapy and made a lot of progress as a result from the therapy & medications.  However...she has slowly been regressing for the past couple of years

  Unfortunately, the band aid doesn't stay on forever, without constant management.  She may have quit taking meds or there may be a need to change the med or the dosage.  It's definitely a good time to go back to therapy.  Any mental illness needs to be managed over a lifetime. 

Has there been some recent event that may have caused anxiety for her? 

Probably the most important thing to start out with is to set boundaries and avoid JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending & Explaining). Do your best to stay out of drama triangles with other family members.

Avoid texting as much as possible & only use for brief neutral texts that are essential.  Avoid social media.  It's probably best that she unfriended you.

Are there any strategies that you found helpful in the past?

[Calseebo]

Thank you for that feedback, No-one.  I have long thought that her meds needed to be adjusted, but she thinks her primary care physician can take care of it!  I had not heard that JADE acronym before, so that is helpful. 

I am actually feeling “ok” about her recent rejecting behaviors, and have not reached out to try to engage her.  My current plan is to let her cycle through and when she comes back around and wants to know why I haven’t talked to her, to remind her that it was her decision to cut me off, and to let me know when she wants that to be different.  A part of me is still angry, but it is what it is. 

Right now, I am trying to be supportive of my Dad, who is actually trying to set boundaries with her!  This is a HUGE step for him, and I am so proud of him for not just enabling and placating her, which he has always done before.  But it still takes its toll, especially on him. 

I can only hope that when she finally comes out of the emotional tornado, she will remember that she actually DOES know what she needs to do in order to feel better, but in the meantime, there is nothing wrong with her, and she does not need therapy!