Overly critical BPD mom strikes again

[IvyB]

My BPD mom has been telling me I look tired (in addition to complaining that I don't dress up to see her, wear cheap jewelry, don't wear make up...etc. The list of her complaints of my general appearance goes on. I'm 35 and look fine, the issue is not my appearance.) Today on a call she says "you looked tired yesterday." I responded in a normal tone with, "you tell me this everytime I see you." She snapped, "I can't tell you anything, you are so difficult to talk to." And then she hung up.

Now I know next time we talk, she'll say how rude I was, how I ruined her night, how she can't tell me anything...etc. Then when it seems like we have a good conversation going a few days later, she'll drop it back in with "I can't tell you anything, you are so rude. You made me so upset". This will go on for days, weeks, even, she'll manage to weave this into every conversation. She isn't going to let this go.

On one hand, I'm annoyed at myself for speaking up, on the other, her critical assessment of my appearance has hit my saturation point.

Any advice? Appreciate all the help!

[Kwamina]

Hi IvyB

It isn't pleasant at all when someone keeps making negative remarks about you, in this case about your appearance.

Why do you think it is your mother keeps making negative/critical comments about your appearance? Is this something she has been doing since you were a child?

Do you perhaps feel like your mother is insecure about her own appearance?

Considering your mother's BPD traits, the things she says and does are probably more reflective of her own inner turmoil and insecurities which she then projects onto you. Keeping this in mind, can help take her words less personal, but still it remains unpleasant to hear your own mother talking like that.

Since her words make you so uncomfortable, I think you are right to take some steps to address this situation, by asserting yourself and setting boundaries with your mother. The tools and resources on this site can help you with that.

Is hanging up when she perceives she's been slighted, something your mother often does with you?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[IvyB]

Thanks!
Through therapy, I've discovered that her comments on my appearance are related to her own insecurity of her own appearance (she is most vain person I know). While it helps to know and understand, still incredibly frustrating to see her projecting her own insecurities on to me. I'm getting frustrated and snippy with these comments lately.
Hanging up is her preferred method of dealing with difficult phone conversations - she says her piece and then clicks off.

[Panda39]

Hi Ivy,

I don't have a BPD mom, I'm here because my Partner has an uBPDxw but I too have a critical mother.  You're not pretty enough well meet the Panda, I'm not smart enough 

It has taken me a long time but a couple of things helped me, one was realizing and truly believing that I am smart and I am good enough in spite of all the negative messages I internalized.  I have realized that I am loved by many people just the way I am.  My authentic self is good enough.  My mother's opinion is just that...her opinion, I no longer care about what she says about my intelligence her opinion on that subject does not matter, to me it's invalid.

The other thing that helped was recognizing these issues are her issues, it isn't whether I'm smart or not, she is worried about how I reflect on her.

Try not to let your mom push your buttons it's about her not you. 

Notwendy one of our other members often uses a "Pink Elephant".  If your mom told you, that you are a big Pink Elephant would you believe it?  Of course not, you'd know it's absurd.  When your mom tells you that you look tired or aren't pretty enough remember the "Pink Elephant".



Panda39

[TelHill]

My mother comments makes negative comments about my appearance constantly. When I was overweight, I was too heavy for her. Now that I'm slim, there is more to criticize about my hair, my clothing, my makeup, etc.

I remind myself that she is diagnosed with BPD. This highly critical talk this is one of the symptoms of a mental disorder. It took me some time and work, but I let her comments wash off my back.  I think I look great and still feel that after her statements these days.

[IvyB]

Thanks everyone! I totally agree, it's a process with some good and bad days mixed in (situation outlined above being a bad day).
I read somewhere a helpful phrase: "what does that say about you?"
For instance, mom says "you look tired yesterday" (for the millions time).
In my head: "What does that say about you? Is mom concerned about her appearance? Is she afraid she is looking older...etc".
I realize that her mean statements have nothing to do with me - but I still get annoyed/upset. It's a process!