Still painting friend black mad at me for her actions

[isilme]

Ugh.  So H’s easy levels of embarrassment have expanded to include two friends, the only two he even tries to interact with. I suspect they are now in his BPD ‘bubble’ so he feels he needs to micro manage them when they do things he doesn’t like.  And the wife of this couple shares some of his traits, and he doesn’t like them, and needs to paint her black and wants me to ‘make’ her not do things he doesn’t like.

Last week, I got yelled at an entire day over her knitting and social media addiction.  No, I’m not kidding, it’s an addiction, but compared to over eating or previous obsessive behavior the knitting at least has her making things people can use.  It’s all hats, but she’s had recipients for them lined up for most of them, others are for charity, and a few are starting up for sale. 

H I think has a few things here.  He resents me taking part in the same knitting club, while at the same time insisting I need friends, bemoaning he has no club, no friends.  He encourages and then yells at me for going.  He doesn’t like me ‘wasting’ time making hats to send to one of the ladies’ daughters up north for a church donation to the homeless.  He is big that I need to make things using all my spare time not at work or doing chores to make money. 

He meanwhile rarely sticks to a project and I think her success knitting is triggering guilt there.  I think the idea she may have something that could sell a bit, until all friends and family have hats, is upsetting.

Now, her addictive issues... yes, she’s addicted.  She knits in restaurants, in cars because like  my H she rarely drives, she is t the one who cooks, or does most of the cleaning, maybe she does laundry.  She grew up with a made, her husband is a codependent caretaker type, (they joke he is me), and so her knitting is preferred to her obsessing over a game, over drama, over food and over eating, over many of her other issues including ripping out hair and picking her skin till it bleeds.  She instagrams a lot, and lately it’s been yarn, yarn, yarn, even to the point of taking her knit hats to stores in town and taking pics of her hats inside their product displays.  Too much. 

H refuses to see her anxiety as valid, only his is valid and he manages it so well don’t you know?   

So H tonight deemed that she is posting too much online, she has been included in the embarrassment bubble, and I am being told it’s my job to stop her embarrassing him.  I told him I can’t control her, and he of course responded that we’d then have to get up and leave next time she knits at a restaurant.  Kinda hard if we carpooled, ya know?  His anger at something I believe will fade till she learns a new project I think is too much.  I know tho he has to avoid shame, anything he thinks is weird invokes shame.  And me saying it’s not a big deal, it will grow old eventually is invalidating.  Sigh.  And is making him freak out on me for the last 3 hours. 

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[Ozzie101]

Ugh is right! That's very frustrating to deal with, I know. My H can do similar things. He'll get himself all worked up over someone else and their behavior or personality. Once it was a coworker of mine who also had a job as a morning radio host. He got all mad about her eating habits. This is someone he's never even met. He'll also do it about my family members.

Sometimes he wants me to do or say something about it. Sometimes he's just ranting. Either way, though, it's exhausting to deal with.

The thing I've noticed is it's usually wrapped around a trigger for him or it's a trait he shares himself (shades of hypocrisy -- he's projecting). For instance, the coworker and her diet? Food issues are a big thing for H. He'll gripe about my sisters' parenting decisions while I know parenting his son is one of his biggest insecurities.

That doesn't necessarily make it any easier to listen to the ranting, but it's something I keep in mind.

I've never figured out a way to really deal with it. Mostly, I just stay quiet and noncommittal and let him rant, making some comments like "Yes, that is annoying." He rarely wants me to fix it, though, so I'm lucky there. The few times he wanted me to say or do something, I used SET and refused. Boundaries. How do you handle it when he freaks out on you? That's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself!

[isilme]

Ozzie,

Hi.  No idea how to manage, I think we all just do the best we can.

I was lucky, last night I was really tired, but not irritable myself, so I managed to not react right back, got to a point where leaving the room was not going to result in being rage followed thru the house, took my shower, got yelled at some more because I didn't know to  turn off a speaker he'd left on the previous night and its charge ran down. - yeah, that makes sense- his rationale?  I was the last person in the bathroom.  I wasn't using the speaker, he was, but I was the last in there.  I'm not supposed to be his mom, but I'm supposed to turn off everything, lock up, clear things away, pick up his socks and such before bed  .  He made sure to tell me what lights I'd left on, and got mad when I remembered to take the trash to the curb for pick up right before his shower (he freaks out if I am outside and he's in the shower, as if he'd actually come to help me should I get into trouble).

He is upset I think because she is presented as the mirror to him in our friends-couple.  She grew up in an NPD household, has lots of fleas.  She has a food addiction, H is a picky picky eater, and having diabetes and kidney stones to manage with diet pisses him off.  H does not exercise, but that needs to be everyone else's fault.  She doesn't either, complains the whole time when we do talk them into joining us for a walk.  She may do more chores than my H, but she complains and nags her H into doing them with her or for her.  Both are easily irritated with people, both have mom-issues, (don't we all I suppose), both have negative self-images, both want attention but also fear it simultaneously - she and he both post things online, she is just more successful at getting ger stuff noticed, which annoys him.  He gets paralyzed, wanting that validation, refusing to actually do anything for it...  H will fixate and focus on things for periods, so will she.  Both have health issues, both refuse to be diligent about taking meds (H is trying a bit more, but he's also 10 years older).

Essentially I can see how the mirror might reflect too much at times.

I think her success at attention-grabbing is upsetting him, he wants attention but hates it at the same time.  He also can't follow that groups of people often break into multiple conversations, and gets mad if everyone is not having the same conversation at dinner.

He is also coming down from ramped up nerves about his check-up at the GP yesterday, the news was mixed, not bad, sugars are down some, not up, but he works himself up and can't handle feeling the PA is judging him, thinks he's lazy, believes his legs are just going to be cut off any day and all manner of unpleasant procedures will be planned.  My sympathy for being naked at a doctor can only go so far - I'm  a woman, I've had embarrassing, uncomfortable, and even painful paper dress exams since I was 12 years old.  I tried to explain how embarrassing a mammogram was, I'm new to them, and he wouldn't listen, got disgusted, basically told me to shut up and stop grossing him out.  My embarrassment doesn't count, only his does.