The "right" kind of support

[Feelingfrozen]

First time post, forgive me if it's misplaced. Long story short...my husband of 5 years was recently diagnosed with BPD. I have reached out to close friends and family and they do their best to understand and be supportive but it hasn't actually made me feel better. I've realized recently that I don't need to be told "I don't know why you stay" or as one friend put it "My heart hurts for you but it's your choice to stay with him."...I know all these things. I don't need to be told it's awful and I should go. I feel like I need support loving him not leaving him. Does anybody else ever feel this way?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Feelingfrozen, and

I've realized recently that I don't need to be told "I don't know why you stay" or as one friend put it "My heart hurts for you but it's your choice to stay with him."...I know all these things.

youve come to the right place.

your friends likely mean well and may not know the best ways to express it.

ive been in a place a few times in my life where my friends either didnt know the best way to support me, or definitely werent helpful. sometimes it can help to be very specific about what you need and dont need from them, and then its up to them and their ability as to whether they can give that support. since they do want what is best for you, some of them can likely rise to the occasion.

so what led up to your husbands diagnosis? how are you both feeling about it?

[No-One]

Hi Feelingfrozen:
Welcome! I'm sorry you are having problems with your husband and can certainly understand the need to go somewhere and vent.  Places like this website are good places to vent and find a listening ear.  Therapists are also a good choice.

Aside from those choices, you will find that most people will get tired of hearing about the problems and don't want to be your therapist.  The average person doesn't understand BPD traits/behaviors and when they hear someone describe what's happening to them, they hear abuse and most mentally healthy people wouldn't accept that in their relationship.

Another thing to be careful of with close family & friends is that if you share too much, some people might start to form a bad attitude about your husband.  You may be able to move on, after a round of bad behaviors, but others might not. 

Best to be very selective about the family & friends you share extensive details with.  Then, do an occasional reality check, to make sure you balance what you talk about when you communicate with these people.  If you use some people too much as a sounding board for relationship problems, you will likely find them less available over time.

It's important for you to take care of yourself and learn ways to cope & destress.  Do you have any healthy things you do to help you relax?

Is your husband accepting treatment?  Meds & therapy?

What are some of his most challenging behaviors?

[Ozzie101]

Hi Feelingfrozen!

I'd like to second something No-One said:

The average person doesn't understand BPD traits/behaviors and when they hear someone describe what's happening to them, they hear abuse and most mentally healthy people wouldn't accept that in their relationship.
Another thing to be careful of with close family & friends is that if you share too much, some people might start to form a bad attitude about your husband.

I have first-hand, recent experience with this. In a weak moment, I shared too much with my sisters. Now, even though my uBPDh has made great strides and has really turned a lot of things around, they want nothing to do with him. That has made things more difficult in our relationship and likely will continue to for years.

My therapist recommended sharing only with people I know to be supportive, good listeners and non-judgemental.

[Feelingfrozen]

@once removed Thanks for the support. A LOT led up to my husband's diagnosis. The rage, the extreme fear of being rejected and abandoned and the outrageous behaviors are a start. Verbal abuse, his emotional immaturity, anxiety, depression, conflict with family...you name it. Since he started graduate school all of this got worse as his stress levels got higher. We started marriage counseling and that's when we started putting all these traits together.

@No-One Thanks for the reply. My husband is definitely open to meds and continued therapy. He started taking two medications that have helped immensely in controlling his moods. I have turned to my parents and some friends in the past. I found myself turning to my supports less and less for fear of the same old brick wall: "it's awful, we know...why are you staying?" and I couldn't really answer that question. I felt like I started to seem crazy. I didn't need solutions, I needed support. Just another voice telling me it was going to be ok. You're absolutely right, though. It does matter who I talk to and how much I share. That leaves me feeling more alone in this at times so I'm so grateful for this site. Self care can be tricky as I'm a working mom with two girls. It is something I'm working on. His worst behaviors have always been is immediate overreaction if he is corrected or thinks he's being criticized. In order for him to get his point across if he disagrees, it seems he has to hurt me emotionally.

@Ozzie101 Thanks for the reply. I have two friends that "get it" and my parents are now trying to learn about his diagnosis and how to best navigate things. I agree it totally matters who you "turn off" to your loved one.

[No-One]

My husband is definitely open to meds and continued therapy. He started taking two medications that have helped immensely in controlling his moods. . . . .His worst behaviors have always been is immediate overreaction if he is corrected or thinks he's being criticized. In order for him to get his point across if he disagrees, it seems he has to hurt me emotionally.

Good to hear that he is open to meds & therapy!  That gives you hope for ongoing improvement.

Criticism can even be tough for people without BPD.  The lesson here about NOT invalidating feelings (by expression, body language or word) is a good one to check out.  Go to the wide green band at the top of this page and find the "Tools" menu.  There is a link there.

Was there a particular event that prompted your husband to get help and get on some meds?