I need a vacation

[JNChell]

Yes. I’m talking about avoiding and walking away from everyday struggles. I could use a break. Some space to breathe instead of thinking. I screwed up with S4’s mom yesterday. I reacted and said things that I regret. I just want to take a trip somewhere. I’ve been laying here on the couch all day getting pissed off at my parents again. formflier gave me a much needed reality check and let me know that I’m not as far along as I thought I was. He’s right. I wouldn’t be pissed at my parents that have been gone for 10 years if I was in a proper place. I’m an emotional wreck today. When does it stop? What do I need to do? I ask these questions over and over, and I’m afraid of losing credibility. I want to heal. I’m trying. I just haven’t figured it out yet. The only thing that I’ve figured out is the pain, where it comes from and how it affects me. I don’t want days like this anymore. I don’t want to be so reactive anymore. I want to live in peace and I’m not doing a very good job of pursuing that.

[GaGrl]

This might sound counterintuitive, but it has worked for me. I fight feeling deep emotion sometimes. The advice to me from my therapist , and later by a trusted friend, was to allow myself to "fall into it." Yes, just call into the pain and disappointment - - wallow in it a while. If you are fighting it, this helps dissipate the pain so that it doesn't follow you around.

[JNChell]

Are you suggesting to bathe in it for a bit and just let it be what it is?

[JNChell]

I’ve tried to do that, but obviously not in a way that has worked. My folks were awful. I’m pretty sure that you have a grip on what C-PTSD is.

That makes it pretty easy to talk. Easier yet, we briefly discussed the Allman Brothers a while back.

I don’t know what to adopt and stick to. Will I always harbor these feelings and deal with them, or is it possible to truly heal from this stuff? My shrink said that it’s possible to heal, but I didn’t trust how she presented it. I’m not into false hope. I’m fairly pragmatic. Will I be able to heal, or will I have to manage this stuff for the rest of my life? I’m seeking a solid answer and direction so I can make a finite choice.

[I Am Redeemed]

I believe it is possible to heal. I also believe that "healing" may not mean a complete disappearance of all symptoms. To one degree or another, I may have to manage some level of C-PTSD for the rest of my life, but I believe that putting in the work will help me get to a place where it isn't so intrusive upon my daily life anymore.

Healing means putting in effort and work, which can be frustrating and discouraging at times. Many people may just get tired of it and decide that it's just too hard, at which point "healing" (which I believe is a continuous process) may stop.

What finite choice are you contemplating?

[JNChell]

By finite’ I mean direction. I’d like to eventually land in a soft spot and understand that these feelings will show up from time to time.

I’m trying to put the work in. It’s just been one of those days. I also understand that pwC-PTSD give up because they don’t see an end to their suffering. I don’t think I’m that person. I’m kind of  a fighter. It just gets hard at times and I become tired. Emotional. Mad at the origin of this crap. I’m glad that people like you are here to listen. I’ve been stuck for a while. I need to change that.

[JNChell]

My parents didn’t deserve me. I’m not speaking out of anger, I’m looking at things. I understand why they were how they were. Mom will remain a bit of a mystery, but she put up with dad.

Children are precious, weak, innocent and vulnerable. They tell the truth until they feel like they can’t anymore. They just want to have fun. They just want to be loved. It should be that way.

No young person, or any person at all should ever be hit. You all know this, I’m just venting. The remnants are terrible. Some people go on to kill. Everything’s cool. Been on a True Crime kick lately. The disorders are mentioned quite a bit.

I just feel for the kids. I have a bad feeling that it’s getting worse for them. I have a bad feeling that there are a lot of sad children out there.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.

Sometimes I think we can spend too much time focusing on how we came to be the way we are, studying what was done to us by others rather than tending to our wounds and taking responsibility for who we are today.  Yep, that is a bitter pill to swallow as is the reality of c-PTSD.

Healing?  I think it depends on how you define it.  To me there will always be scars and some issues that I will need to confront.  It gets easier.  It requires being able to accept that things happened that we had no control over, that were not fair and were down-right outrageous and sometimes criminal.   It also requires the willingness to take on the fact that what happened is in the past and all we can do is deal with the present and work for a better future.

What has helped me and evolves and deepens every time I stop and think about it is this, The existential paradox by Dr. Joseph Santoro:  
We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.
There is such freedom and healing in this.  When I first read it many years ago, it made me angry but I kept going back to it.  And yes, sometimes it required me falling into the pain and despair I felt like GaGrl talks about.

There is no fast track here, not if you want lasting change and healing.  Each step though, you/we learn something.  And even when we 'fall back' a step or two, when we get back up it is with knowledge we did not have before.

It gets better.  It gets easier.

[JNChell]

I definitely spend too much time on studying what was done. A vacation still sounds nice. A weekend trip by myself. Maybe a vacation day at work worked into the equation.

The pill isn’t bitter, Harri. It is what it is. You know, I’ve met the toughest people that I ever will here on these boards.

I trust you and it’s nice to read that things get easier. I’m all in.

[Harri]

A vacation still sounds nice.

Yes, it does sound nice and it is allowed and it can be a healthy thing to do.   

I’m all in.

I know you are.   

[Zabava]

JNChell

Sorry you're having such a difficult time.  One thing my therapist keeps telling me is that it's completely necessary to have time to feel what we feel.  Sometimes that means curling up in a ball for a day.  She used an analogy I found helpful, which was that lifting the veil on our childhoods is like exposing a physical wound.

Sometimes it hurts like hell and we have to cover it fo a while until it heals more.  Dealing with day to day life and other people when we're in pain can feel like trying to run with a broken leg. Maybe it's a bit simplistic, but one of the most helpful things I got from Pete Walker's work was his advice to stop beating ourselves up for feeling sad. 

It's going to pass.  From what I've seen, people who had childhood experiences like ours are very, very strong people.

 

[JNChell]

Zabava, yeah. Sometimes that veil needs to be put back in place. You have a good T. Everything feels so weird today.

Your T has given you some really good advice.

[Zabava]

Yes, my T. Is pretty great. 

I get the feeling you're beating yourself up about your interaction with S4's mom.  It is impossible to always be in control IMHO.

Have you read any of Bene Brown's stuff?  She talks about shame and how it weighs us down.  I personally have said and done some things in the grip of emotional dysregulation that I really regret, but the more I let the shame go and try to forgive myself, the better it gets.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

[Tsultan]

JNChell,   This too shall pass.  You have come a long way.  Everyone has a relapse.  Welcome to the human race.  Try to put together in your mind a gratitude list which includes some things you are grateful about yourself.  Go do something good for yourself.  Spend time in nature if that is what gets you centered again.  For me, it's being by water.  Not just a glass of water either.  .  A lake, a stream, whatever works for you.  A walk in the woods. 

If it helps you to write your feelings down on paper that might help release some of the emotion too. 

The bad days help us appreciate the good days more.

Don't listen to the gremlins. (brene' brown) 

 

[Turkish]

After I had screwed up something I thought was big and was angry at myself, my old boss said, "only people who aren't working don't make mistakes." She passed on what her first boss told her.  Give yourself grace. 

"Fall into it" is good advice. I'd say the same thing like this:  "own it." Your parents are gone.  This is you.  You can't fix the relationship with your parents, but you can fix you.  If not healing at this point, then maybe just coping. If you need a vacation, or even a staycation, then do what you need to do in order to move forward.