I pulled the plug on my heart tonight

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 Its been about 6 weeks now, or close to it, since my wife left again. I have been on the typical rollercoaster, running the gambit from falling on my face trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it, to being so angry I never want to see her ever again. And everything in between. Its been a hell of a ride honestly. I started therapy the first week she was gone, Im in a few support groups, Ive been reading a lot and educating myself about her condition and my part in it. Ive been getting involved with healthy activities to keep my mind from turning to mush so Im doing all the right things.
What changed tonight is my heart. I dont want her to return to me, I dont need her to explain why, I dont want to stay stuck in the same old patterns like every other time shes hurt my daughter again and when she would leave again, when she would sleep with other men again, lie again, get physical with me again, treat me like complete PLEASE READ in so many different ways... again.
Im not sitting here pining over her or wanting her back at all.
I had a terrible realization tonight that was a serious punch in the gut. I realized that I am incapable of trusting another woman. Without an ability to trust, I cannot love. I dont mean the kind of love we have for our children, friends or family. Im talking about that deep, soul burning, unrelenting, I would do anything for you kind of love. The kind I have always wanted, the kind I thought i had so many times before.
I feel like I died inside tonight.
Im ok with living for my children, and my friends and family, I am even open to the idea of loving myself. Thats not the problem here. I know that, in time, I could learn to love again but in all honesty, I dont want to. Its too terrifying and high risk for me anymore. I dont WANT it. Thats whats changed. Thats why I feel like I died inside tonight. I havent cried so much as I have tonight since my son died many years ago. I cried harder for this than I ever did over my wife. I am still at it right now. Its been hours. I dont have any tears left to fall but I keep crying. My chest hurts so bad right now. Im guessing this is fairly normal for us, but its new to me and its scaring the hell out of me. I dont want to live a life without that kind of love, or at the very least, the hope for it. I have neither now. Its just... gone.
This hurts far more than losing her. This is about me as an individual, and my future in this world. I dont want to give up on that dream, but i must. I cant help it. I cant seem to stop it. Im not even sure that I want to. This is truly the saddest moment in my life so far, almost 50 years.
They say its better to have loved and lost, but what happens when you lose love itself?
When its all tallied up and the balance sheets are examined, I didnt lose a lot.
In fact, I only lost one thing. My most precious possession.
My heart, and I dont want it back. She can keep it. I dont need it anymore.

[capn zed]

 Its been about 6 weeks now, or close to it, since my wife left again. I have been on the typical rollercoaster, running the gambit from falling on my face trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it, to being so angry I never want to see her ever again. And everything in between. Its been a hell of a ride honestly. I started therapy the first week she was gone, Im in a few support groups, Ive been reading a lot and educating myself about her condition and my part in it. Ive been getting involved with healthy activities to keep my mind from turning to mush so Im doing all the right things.
What changed tonight is my heart. I dont want her to return to me, I dont need her to explain why, I dont want to stay stuck in the same old patterns like every other time shes hurt my daughter again and when she would leave again, when she would sleep with other men again, lie again, get physical with me again, treat me like complete PLEASE READ in so many different ways... again.
Im not sitting here pining over her or wanting her back at all.
I had a terrible realization tonight that was a serious punch in the gut. I realized that I am incapable of trusting another woman. Without an ability to trust, I cannot love. I dont mean the kind of love we have for our children, friends or family. Im talking about that deep, soul burning, unrelenting, I would do anything for you kind of love. The kind I have always wanted, the kind I thought i had so many times before.
I feel like I died inside tonight.
Im ok with living for my children, and my friends and family, I am even open to the idea of loving myself. Thats not the problem here. I know that, in time, I could learn to love again but in all honesty, I dont want to. Its too terrifying and high risk for me anymore. I dont WANT it. Thats whats changed. Thats why I feel like I died inside tonight. I havent cried so much as I have tonight since my son died many years ago. I cried harder for this than I ever did over my wife. I am still at it right now. Its been hours. I dont have any tears left to fall but I keep crying. My chest hurts so bad right now. Im guessing this is fairly normal for us, but its new to me and its scaring the hell out of me. I dont want to live a life without that kind of love, or at the very least, the hope for it. I have neither now. Its just... gone.
This hurts far more than losing her. This is about me as an individual, and my future in this world. I dont want to give up on that dream, but i must. I cant help it. I cant seem to stop it. Im not even sure that I want to. This is truly the saddest moment in my life so far, almost 50 years.
They say its better to have loved and lost, but what happens when you lose love itself?
When its all tallied up and the balance sheets are examined, I didnt lose a lot.
In fact, I only lost one thing. My most precious possession.
My heart, and I dont want it back. She can keep it. I dont need it anymore.

[ColdKnight]

Wow...

That is powerful. I am not going to tell you to have faith or that you will meet someone knew because I know that is not what you want to hear right now...

I will tell you this. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way right now. I have gone cold inside and never want to feel warm again...

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cap'n, When my BPDxW and I separated after 13 years of marriage, I never seriously considered going back.  The price was too high.  Plus, I relished the peaceful moments on my own.  I couldn't return to the turmoil.  It was one of those gut decisions, perhaps similar to what you have experienced.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

youre grieving, capn zed.

i remember the very moment i let go of hope and accepted that my relationship was over. i had been a bit of a basket case for some months. this was very different. this was a profound, deep, dark depression that clouded me.

it was also the beginning of my healing. you see, to really mourn and grieve the loss we have suffered, is ultimately the way through.

I realized that I am incapable of trusting another woman.

its yourself that you dont trust, capn zed.

and thats a common reaction when we are hurt, wounded, grieving, and even afraid. i went through similar feelings myself. i felt like i had no control over the relationships i entered into, or their outcome. its a scary feeling. and its okay. it wouldnt be the wisest of choices right now to go blindly trusting anyone.

i wont tell you that you have to, or will change your mind, or that you will find love again.

i will tell you that at almost 50 years, you can learn to trust yourself, trust others, and have even more rewarding connections with your fellow human beings. you can be stronger, more confident, more resilient and skilled, in your dealings with others. you can give and receive even more love, and be even more whole. trust me in this.

now isnt the time for that, though. now is the time to mourn and grieve your loss. we are here to help you do that.

hang in there capn zed. it really does get better.

[Maddow]

All I can say is that I feel the same as you do. And you need to be strong and keep in mind that it will pass. We all need time, especially after intense relationships.
And maybe when you least expect it, someone new will come (I know this sounds cheap, but it happened to me couple of times).
Focus on yourself and your family, you have their love and that is all you need now.

[capn zed]

I had one of the worst days in my life today. It started with a restraining order being served to me. The accusations in it were so preposterous that I got dizzy and lost consciousness. The deputy that was here to serve me is a friend of mine. He was visibly heart broken for me, I was broken too because I have never, not even once, ever abused my wife in any way. I have been the victim all these years but i never complained, and I never held any of it against her, until now.
When I woke up I was in the back of an ambulance racing 30 miles away to the nearest hospital. We were almost there and I lost consciousness again. This time it was serious. I came to again in the emergency room and felt like I was recovering some. My chest was on fire all the way from my neck to my groin. Within minutes I was rushed out to a helicopter to take me to a cardiac hospital 150 miles away.
I had a heart attack today. My body is rejecting this depression hard. I was in the cardiac hospital for a few hours. They said I had something called non-ST segment elevation myocardial infarction (NSTEMI)
It didnt do any detectable damage to my heart but they said it could happen again so I need to see my cardiologist asap.
Im so depressed right now. I wish it wouldve taken me honestly. I hate being strong sometimes. This is one of those times.

[CryWolf]

Wow I’m sorry you’re enduring so much pain. I can’t imagine the hurt you felt when served the restraining order and knowing that you weren’t at fault. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you Zed

I truly wish things get better for you and you find peace 

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, CZ, that must have been terrifying. I hope that you do see your cardiologist soon. Stress and depression absolutely can take a toll on the body. I hope you will also talk to your doctor about the depression and the stress you are under as it relates to your health.

Will you have to go to court over the restraining order? Where I live, protection orders can only be granted with either an admission by the perpetrator or a record of assault/abuse.

Hang in there, we're listening

[capn zed]

Unfortunately, where I live, you only need to accuse someone of some type of abuse, then a court date is set to determine if there is evidence to extend it. There isn't any evidence to support her claims but I still have to hire an attorney. I have to go to court with her in one week to decide the outcome.

[Harri]

Hi capn zed.  I am so sorry to hear about the restraining order and your heart attack.

Are you home now?  How can we best support you? 

Harri

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Cap n Zed:  As I read your first post, I thought one word over and over again...grieving.  Your words of how the process (for that day) were for you was gut wrenching to read, and yet all too familiar, as I have been where you are before, and gone through that process, as you are right now.  
Then, I read about your heart attack and all of a sudden, like you said, it got and is very serious.
I understand you have court in a week, or so (this heart attack may set things back a bit?).  Get an outstanding lawyer (I am in the legal field), and do not agree to amicable for now, because they almost always aren't amicable if the process goes full tilt. These are just gory details.

That said, RIGHT NOW, do the bare minimum you have to do with the details of this all, and just focus on relaxing yourself and being you and taking care of you and your kids (if applicable, I don't know your circumstances). Distract yourself with the beautiful things in life only...as often and as much as you can.  Sometimes I have to listen to really good books so that I can get lost in the stories they are telling, and so that I can stop myself from thinking around the clock and stressing myself senseless and thinking overtime on all the things that really wont change.
Say the serenity prayer a hundred times and ruminate on those words and seek acceptance and peace with it, your existence...life itself...Right now, it's truly about you...
The process, whatever it may be, will take care of itself...and in its time...don't rush it...and don't push for anything...sit back...relax...breath in the beautiful air that is in full supply around you...deeply...and recognize that in the exact moment, right now, as you read these words...it's ok for you to be peaceful...even in the storm. You dont feel it, but the fact remains, you will be whole again, just not right this minute, and it's ok...grieving is a process.
My heart goes out to you.
 

[capn zed]

I have spent today doing absolutely nothing. Im just trying to recover from the events of yesterday. My brain has shut down. Its hard to think at all. Ive been trying to write this post for hours. Im just so drained. I spoke to a lawyer today. He said we are going to meet next week, one day before the hearing. I will probably have to ask for a continuance.
I am terrified this is going to be more than my body can handle. I dont want to die over this. Im doing my best to take care of myself but its so hard. I saw my therapist today. I have officially been diagnosed with ptsd. I just want to live a normal, quiet life. I dont want all this chaos. I dont want to live in fear and turmoil and I most definitely dont want to die.
I feel like I have to let go of my daughter in order to save myself but Im not built like that so I am in conflict with myself. I dont even think I am capable of letting her go. She needs me now, more than ever but she is beyond my reach. I hate my wife for doing this, not to me, but to my daughter. I honestly dont care what my wife does to me anymore, she cant hurt me any worse than she already has... but my daughter... how do I save her? I cant give up on her. I would never be able to forgive myself for it. I am so conflicted.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

It's all going to get worked out, and it all will work itself out today. IMO, and if you read my input from yesterday, even the matter of your daughter should be off limits for you today.  It is a fact that things do work themselves out, and COOLER heads prevail. 
I remember my therapist telling me something that I've taken with me in my travels for at least 30 years since.  He said that when something happens, at first, people react, and then after enough time to settle the emotions, people act.  You are reacting now, and when you have had some time to come to even the most basic of terms, you will act.  The situation with your daughter included, once you have come to terms and your own place with things, you will take the position you desire to take, including as pertains to your daughter.  She will always be your daughter ( I assume she is your offspring), and even if a divorce happens, children need their parents...want their parents...THAT, more than anything you imagine, will be the glue that binds you...You are hers, and she yours.
Today, though, it's still about you taking care of you.

[Vincenta]

Dear Capt,

My heart ( literally) goes for you 

I really related to your first post in this chain; am in a way similar situation ( after 6 years pwBPD) and also think that I would find it very difficult, if not utterly impossible, ever to trust,  romantically, anyone, ever. This is especially sad as am over 50 years old and have been always open and curious and joyous and self confident, before this past relationship.

And then your second post about the heart prob. I am so sorry to hear that - must have been extremely scary experience.
How are you now?
Did you have a chance to talk with your cardiologist?
You might want to ask from cardiologist if your heart problem is something related to ‘ broken heart syndrome ‘.
You might also ask for your NT - ProBNP scores ( from blood test).

As said, my heart goes with you! And we should never underestimate how (the often extreme) stress caused by pwBPD impacts our health.

Actually  I am an example here too: I never had heart problems/tacyrdia before, well, now I do have and have been a frequent visitor at cardiologist during last two weeks.

When it comes to the situation with your daughter: you have got excellent advise already here from other members of the board and I can only repeat it: there is time for everything. At the very moment not anything really can do ( except making situation even worse), so please just try to extract yourself from the stress and treat yourself well, whatever that might mean - watch a nice movie ( nothing heavy please), cook a nice dinner for yourself, or perhaps your friends/ family could cook/ pamper you somehow...? Please do not be too shy or too proud for asking help and/ or company either! We often tend to be too isolated and hesitate to turn to our friends or family, who actually often could be very willing and pleased to help. Do you think you have such persons around you?

I want to send a huge virtual hug to you  ,

And keep on posting - we are here for you and we do understand.

Vincenta

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I am hugging you today, too.   

[capn zed]

Its been a couple days since I last posted. Im still recovering from the heart attack I guess. Ive been trying to take it easy but if I sit too long my head goes into chaos mode. Its been 5 weeks now and so far, no sign of sanity yet. I still cant sleep, Im still having extreme anxiety, Im still having trouble eating. My therapist knows and is doing what he can to help. This is just going to take time. Im trying my best to stay upright. Its so hard to get her out of my head. These days its more the anger and betrayal that I cant shake. I still cant believe she did this again. I know its irrational, I know its just what she does but I cant help but see it through the eyes of someone who would never in a million years do to someone what shes done to our daughter and I.
Im going to my sisters today. I have to drive through the town she lives in to get there. I have no choice because its the only road in or out of this valley and I already delayed the trip once due to my physical condition and anxiety. I have her dog and I have to take her home.
I know in my head that I have to keep going, but my heart just wants to quit sometimes. I know that my only chance at recovery is to maintain no contact and do what others have done to get through this. Im doing my best, Im doing all the right things.  I know its different for everyone.
I know all these things but I am still plagued by how irrational it all is. I hope this passes soon. Im terrified my heart wont withstand this. I dont want to die over this and that fear alone is enough to cause more stress than I can handle right now.

[Vincenta]

Hi Capn Zed,

Good to hear that you are a bit better and going to visit your sisters.
I hope they will give you the loving care you need right now.
Try to just eat regularly and sleep as much as you can.

Take good care and keep on posting,

Hugs  

[Vincenta]

Sorry, something went wrong and the message was sent twice!

Anyway, a double wishing you well then, Capn Zed, safe journey and take care of you and your heart !

Let us know how it is at your sisters,

Warmly,

Vincenta

[LoveOnTheRocks]

capn zed:  I've read and heard a good bit about the divorce process...and while you feel anything but normal, it doesn't hurt to remind each other that we're doing just find and that this, too, is a part of the process.  Five weeks in, based on all the reading I did when my husband and I split some years back, it is still cloudy with a chance of is this ever going to end? 
I join others in well wishes for your trip to your sisters and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Lotr