Don't Want To Be FT Care Giver for BPD Mom & Enabler Dad Any Longer

[TelHill]

Hi, I've been lurking for a while. I have a  dilemma. I grew up the scapegoat of the family. I got out when I could at 18 and made a good life for myself.  I have one older sibling who is the golden child.

My parents are both over 90 and have had some major health issues  from Jan. 2017 through Sept. 2018. I decided to be the care taker then to now. I have slept over 50% of the time at their house. I have been here five hours on the days I don't sleep at my own home.  However, they have taken care of themselves well since Feb. 2019 - cook, clean, shop, pay bills, take care of finances. I have not had much to do for them for months.

I want a well-deserved break. BPD mom's craziness is unbearable. I know they'll need more help at some point again -- sooner or later.  I want a plan in place for their long term care when they need it. 

My older sibling lives close to here but refuses to help. They promised to when this all started. It never happened despite my standing up for myself and continually asking them. BPD mom thinks they shouldn't have to.  The older sibling will continue to dodge. They won't even discuss a plan for care.

I have told my parents they don't need me here so many hours now.  My BPD mom says they will both die if I don't keep up this same schedule. She wants me to sell my place and move in with them full-time. 

I am certain the plan my parents and older sibling have is for me to be the full time caretaker.  This is not the role I want or should have to take on. I feel like I have been tricked into this. What have others done?

[GaGrl]

Elder Carrie so difficult! After my grandfather died, my mother finally felt free from her stepmother, who was uBPD/NPD. She t stinker to have expectations and demands of my mother, but the cruelty of treatment for so many years prevented my mom from getting sucked in.

My mom is now 93. I am grateful that I can have her life with my husband and me. She can be difficult,can't it's not easy, but it is what I want to do, and she expressed her gratitude. She is NOT BPD!

That being said -- I work with all the resources can muster. She has a caregiver who comes in three times a week and takes her to doctor appointments, some shopping, does light housekeeping, bakes with her, etc. We know what resources are available for what we cannot do.

Are you trying to do everything by yourself? Do they have any other resources? (VA home healthcare?)

[TelHill]

Right now there is not much to do. There will be in the near or far future since they are over 90.

They don't want a stranger. They want me to be the only care giver to both of them. My older sibling has made themselves absent.  I understand that happens in families with elderly parents, regardless if one of the parents has or does not have a personality disorder.

It's too much to ask me to sell my house though.  It's a typical BPD parent response to focus on one's needs to the detriment of a child.

[madeline7]

When my enabler Dad got sick in his late 80's, they moved closer to me and my siblings for a clinical trial and to be close to us. My Dad passed away very soon after they arrived, and my uBPDm went into the independent living place they chose to live at. Of course she did not adjust well, wanted one or all of us to step into the enabler role. It was a couple of years that she continued to manipulate, silent treatment/rage, all the while me and my sibs were taking her to appts, getting her groceries/pharmacy, etc. All the while, I was trying to get a private care manager in place, a social worker, counselor, anyone who was a professional. But she has capacity, and refused. So I went into T, took a workshop and joined a support group, and here I am learning to detach, to take care of myself. Because no matter how much I do, it will never be enough. And I can't rescue her, never have been able to and never will. If my Mom was a typical Mom, whatever that is, I feel I would gladly help more. But she has been so vindictive and hurtful, and I will not sacrifice my life for her.This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, to set limits, and to finally take care of myself.

[TelHill]

Thank you for sharing this here.   I am sorry that this is happening to you. You are a very strong and courageous person to take this on.

I have a feeling my mom will outlive my dad too. She has said she won't tolerate leaving her home or allowing an outsider to touch her.  Her body and hearing are a bit weak but she's sharp as a tack.

As when I was a kid, she has screaming fits now when I leave the house  to socialize. She screams I will die and/or God will strike me dead. She's welcome but won't join in. She is willing to sit in a dark parking garage and wait in the car alone until I return. 

I expect more cruel outbursts when she can't take care of herself any longer. It's like girding yourself for psychological warfare.

I'm going back to therapy soon. I have a problem keeping consistent boundaries. Am glad boundaries are making it somewhat tolerable for you.

Best of luck to you and to your mom.

[TelHill]

Hi, I've spent lots of time reading the posts. I'm grateful for them and also the suggestions I've seen. I've implemented a few and plan to do more. Self-care is the one I've done the least for over a year. I've stepped that up a lot. I also remember what I used to do in the past to protect myself.

I'm again practicing LC with my parents while living here part-time.  I've cut back on doing the JADE I was with them.   I'm experiencing fewer personal attacks and a lot less drama. 

The shock of the bpd parent being in the hospital for a long time and  having a very painful recovery period at home for months (screaming in pain and crying for many weeks), sent me back to childhood. I wanted to protect and save them.  When you do that, you want a good, mentally fit parent as your payment.

Am reporting back in case anyone else is going through this with their loved ones. People are living a lot longer these days. This is bound the happen to others at some point.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

[Notwendy]

I can understand your dilemma. I don't live close enough to my parents to be a caregiver, but when my father got ill, I went to help them several times.

They seemed oblivious to my own needs for rest. I also have my own family. I left my kids with a sitter to go help them. BPD mom would scream all hours of the night, and I was afraid to get on the road to drive. I realized I had to make a tough choice- my own physical safety and sanity, or trying to meet their needs. When I stayed, BPD mom would verbally abuse me, scream and yell all night if she wanted to. I also needed to be at my best for my kids.

I backed off, and my parents were angry, told everyone their terrible daughter doesn't help them. I too felt as if my mother's FOO and my father were "grooming" me to be responsible for her. My father had been her caretaker, caregiver, main support, and enabler. He was very worried about her being on her own. He basically mainly cared about her.

Her FOO - sings her praises, tells me she's wonderful but I know they don't want to deal with her.

The result of my backing off was being alienated by my parents. It was hard. I really loved my father. BPD mom has been widowed for a while. She's managed OK because my father planned for her support, and she's hired home helpers.

[Turkish]

The result of my backing off was being alienated by my parents. It was hard. I really loved my father. BPD mom has been widowed for a while. She's managed OK because my father planned for her support, and she's hired home helpers.

It sounds like your mother stepped up to manage herself logistically and emotionally. 

The non validating and unhelpful thing to say in these situations is something like, "if you don't step up to do things you are capable of, or at least listen to the advice I'm giving, your worst fears will come to pass: forced into a home by your own doing and surrounded by strangers."

I'm not sure that can be said in terms of SET...

[Notwendy]

Turkish - I would say she's doing this in her own dysfunctional way. Now, I would say she has things the way she she likes them. Her way. It was always her way but when Dad was there, her wishes ruled and this affected him too. Because she's elderly, her emotional need to have people take care of her has been normalized and she hires help to care for her but she also engages in dysfunction with them. She hasn't remarried or had a romantic interest but she has also managed to find friends who enable her.

I would say she's coping in her own way and mainly because my father planned financially and she has enough funds to hire help and to do as she likes.

Growing up, it seemed money was tight, but mom's spending was a priority. Now, it appears that dad was also saving some. We are grateful for this as my BPD mom is able to manage- but she's mainly able to because of this.