Feeling like a failure

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just thinking about how limited my life has been because of my mental health/personality flaws.

Today I had a job interview for a position I really want.  I think it went ok, but one again, my resume was last minute, I was not calm and prepared because I just got back from a visit with my bpd mum.

I feel like every time I get a chance to accomplish something, I self sabotage and/or I am distracted by family drama.  Every effort I made to establish a career or calling has been marred by her judgement.  When I was 17 I got involved in activism and my mum mocked me for being naive and told me I would end up looking stupid.

Whenever there was a crisis, I went home, no matter what.  I had to quit jobs and give up on my goals to be always available.  One of the most painful times was when I had to quit a job working with mentally ill youth looking for work.  It was a dream job for me and I had glowing references from my college instructors.  I really feel like I could have made a difference, but the phone call came that my dad had fallen while drunk and had sustained a brain injury.  My mum needed me so I went home.

So many life events have been sad instead of joyous because of family drama: high school and university graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children.  I was in labour with my first daughter 2 days and I remember getting out of bed and takjng my parents to the hospital cafeteria to make sure they felt welcome.

I feel robbed.  Is this familiar to anyone?

[Zabava]

Just thinking about how limited my life has been because of my mental health/personality flaws.

Today I had a job interview for a position I really want.  I think it went ok, but one again, my resume was last minute, I was not calm and prepared because I just got back from a visit with my bpd mum.

I feel like every time I get a chance to accomplish something, I self sabotage and/or I am distracted by family drama.  Every effort I made to establish a career or calling has been marred by her judgement.  When I was 17 I got involved in activism and my mum mocked me for being naive and told me I would end up looking stupid.

Whenever there was a crisis, I went home, no matter what.  I had to quit jobs and give up on my goals to be always available.  One of the most painful times was when I had to quit a job working with mentally ill youth looking for work.  It was a dream job for me and I had glowing references from my college instructors.  I really feel like I could have made a difference, but the phone call came that my dad had fallen while drunk and had sustained a brain injury.  My mum needed me so I went home.

So many life events have been sad instead of joyous because of family drama: high school and university graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children.  I was in labour with my first daughter 2 days and I remember getting out of bed and takjng my parents to the hospital cafeteria to make sure they felt welcome.

I feel robbed.  Is this familiar to anyone?

[Turkish]

This sounds like you learned to catastrophize things that don't need to be due to real catastrophies in the past, do you think, or am I off base?

I can relate to self-sabotaging. I've finally done ok in life, but I could be doing much better if not for that inner voice,  " you're not good enough." Or, "you don't qualify for xyz job" nevermind that unqualified people get into jobs all of the time because, right or wrong, they aren't held back.

[Zabava]

Thanks Turkish,

You may be right.  Everything certainly felt like a catastrophe.  Maybe it's been my fault.

[Zabava]

Actually, I feel like a burden to others on these boards because my mental illness and maladjustment seems intractable and tiresome.  I am afraid I will never feel safe or sane again.

My mind feels broken.

[Turkish]

We carry each other's burdens. Everyone here has an idea of what you are going through,  Zabava. You carry those burdens of others, unknowingly, by posting. I mean the lurkers. No pressure 

I'll say it again: I engaged in catrotophizing at work recently. I felt like crap. It isn't the first time and it won't be the last. 19 years ago... and I can't believe I've been in the same place so long, I was a very meek employee. Though I'm better than I wad then, I still fight my FOO tendencies.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

I feel robbed.  Is this familiar to anyone?

Yes, I can relate. In fact, when I was a teenager/young adult, I actually wrote a poem titled 'Robbed' which deals with exactly what you've been talking about. I wrote about how I've been robbed and that things have been stolen from me (by my uBPD mother).

We cannot change our past, but with our new knowledge and skills we can work on putting defenses in place to prevent us from getting robbed again and to help us manage difficult situations better

Maybe it's been my fault.

Actually, I feel like a burden to others on these boards because my mental illness and maladjustment seems intractable and tiresome.  I am afraid I will never feel safe or sane again.

My mind feels broken.

I think it might help to consider the concept of emotional reasoning as presented by Dr. David Burns:
"Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

That you feel a certain way does not necessarily mean that reality is exactly that way. Being raised by a disordered parent can definitely really affect and damage children. Yet, as adults there is also the possibility of healing some of our wounds. Feeling like your mind is broken and that things will never change, isn't pleasant and can be quite overwhelming. However, that we feel a certain way, does not necessarily have to mean that the scenario will play out that way. Change and healing are possible and you participating on this boar contributes to that. Your clear articulation of what you are going through shows that in spite of all the pain, your mind actually is still very much functioning. I believe that the experiences you describe are very relatable to people on this board since it's really reflective of the experience of children raised by (B)PD parents.

The Board Parrot

[Zabava]

You're right about the emotional reasoning.  I do get caught up in dramatic and maudlin thoughts.  I think it's a way to avoid some core issues.  Like I've become unable to hide my feelings with my mum and I will not rescue her by cleaning her house and pretending things are normal.  This terrifies me because I feel like she is going to split on me.  I haven't stood up to her for years and it feels very scary.

It sounds small but putting my own needs first is a huge change  for me.  I feel like my mind is broken because I used to be able to go 6 times a year  and drag my kids with me and not be affected. The more often I went, the more it appeased my guilt about moving away.

Now I can hardly be civil and I feel really depressed for days after I come back.  My therapist says it's because I've lifted the blanket on repressed trauma and the wound is exposed.

Does that make sense?

[Zabava]

Also, I really need to process my experiences of disassociating and psychosis.  As I've posted before, my mental unravelling started with the death of my grandmother 2 years ago.  I went home for her funeral and saw relatives I hadn't seen in 25 years.  It triggered a flood of repressed memories that pushed me over the edge.  I felt like I was floating above myself a lot of the time.  I thought that the Virgin Mary or the Goddess was sending me messages through the radio.  Really crazy stuff. And the suicidal ideation was intense and constant for a few months.

I believe it was my mind being overwhelmed and trying to protect me, but the whole experience left me shaken.  On the one hand, it was a wake up call to face the past, but at the same time it has left me feeling very insecure and afraid of my emotions.

I feel very scared of a relapse and it keeps me paralyzed.

[Zabava]

 

[Turkish]

Who do you have in real life to support you Z?

[Zabava]

My therapist and one friend and that's about it.

[Zabava]

I should not have gone home.  It's messed me up.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

I feel like my mind is broken because I used to be able to go 6 times a year  and drag my kids with me and not be affected. The more often I went, the more it appeased my guilt about moving away.

When you grow up in dysfunctional family circumstances due to a disordered parent, what often will happen is that on the one hand you might get traumatized but on the other hand you can also get desensitized to the dysfunction and also go into a state of denial. This can be coping mechanisms you developed as a child and young adult to basically help you survive. These mechanisms might have served you well for a long time, but perhaps now is the time to learn new and healthier coping mechanisms.

Do you perhaps feel like before you were somewhat desensitized to the dysfunction and perhaps also somewhat in denial or unable to see just how dysfunctional things were?

To me it actually makes sense that now that you are starting to look at the dysfunction with new eyes, you also would be less comfortable being in such an environment. I think it's actually a healthier reaction when the dysfunction makes you uncomfortable than when you are so desensitized that it doesn't even really register that much. Healing takes time, unfortunately is often challenging and sometimes painful, but I do see what you are going through now as a new stage in your healing process.

I should not have gone home.  It's messed me up.

When you've been traumatized as a result of being raised by a disordered parent, this will often make you susceptible to certain triggers. Considering what you've been through and that you are working through some difficult things right now, it makes sense to me that aspects of your visit home could be triggering to you. This is an excerpt from the work of Pete Walker:
"A significant percentage of adults who suffered ongoing abuse or neglect in childhood suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the most difficult features of this type of PTSD is extreme susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness."

Do you perhaps feel like you are dealing with emotional flashbacks?

We have resources here that can help you manage your triggers and difficult thoughts:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

You are dealing with a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions right now. You most definitely are not a burden to us and I am glad you are reaching out for support here. Like Wolfish said, we can help you carry your burdens and deal with the challenges you face. That's what the PSI board is for

We got this:




The Board Parrot

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Z!
I am NOT trained at all in this "stuff," and am reaching back to you as a member who feels a lot of the "stuff" you are feeling.  My journey with addressing my childhood and my abusive mother (and by default, dysfunctional entire family), started for me a good twelve years ago, so it's not as fresh with me, and at this point, I've come to accept that she, along with the rest of my family members, are who they are.  I've approached all of them in various ways, and settled into what's more comfortable TO ME while/when dealing with them, but I still have things floating around in my head that I have to deal with, because I can't "escape" myself, and honestly, I don't want to.  I want to be as happy, comfortable and well as I can be.  

Like you, I fight with severe insecurity about interacting with others here, because I struggle with low self esteem and lack confidence.  I am grateful that members here still reach back to me and interact with me.  I genuinely love people, but I dont trust myself with them so much, especially in my "real life."  I still struggle with 40 years of being told something was wrong with me in every way possible.  I react and get defensive, and sabotage relationships with others when I dont mean to.  I get in pain over what happened as a result of my actions and reactions, sometimes. I can be a bit of a mess in my head.  I actually listen to a lot of audio books to help me stay out of my head, because I do best when I can be and let be, without over thinking everything...and constantly thinking about everything.

In truth, my very favorite people on the planet are the ones that aren't "all put together" all the time, because that's not me, and I can't relate to them as well.  Those of us, who, like me, need encouragement and to be reminded we're ok and it's ok, and that we are accepted and appreciated and valued, are safer people.  It's those "perfectly well adjusted" folk, running around the planet and wreaking havoc on others that are more dangerous to me...no introspection whatsoever...and their tongues slither till they've mortally wounded me, and the worst of it is, they aren't introspective enough to ever even look back at what they said or did, and I am left getting up off the dirt...I find myself much more readily able to appreciate and care about people like you, who can admit up front that they are burdened by their very own thoughts and self...because...me, too.

I come here every day and read and work on myself, my thoughts ( I strive with great effort to consciously ensure I am working to be positive and not negative in my thinking, and I like to find enjoyment in my life and whatever it is I am doing...because the alternative thinking, like you mentioned, found me on the brink of constant suicidal thinking).  I actually am happy now...even if not "over" it all, and still working to have balance with my family and even my own self.  That said, I do daily listen to audio books, good ones...no murder and gore for this girl...to help me stay out of my head all the time.
Again, this is just a few thoughts from a regular girl who is taking in the articles on this site and learning...and in the meantime, how I find myself able to enjoy my life while I come to terms, process the things that have already happened, and face today and the ones to come with more certainty and less dread...I am not through the process and at total peace, yet...but I am certainly ok...and have found things to do and ways to control my thinking that help me coexist with the CPTSD that I have.  

[etown]

Hi Zabava,

I know a bit of how you feel. In my house growing up, even the smallest misstep was a cause for a breakdown. If I forgot to let the cat in one evening, my mom might end up in the doorway crying and screaming that I was trying to murder our family pet even though he always came back and lived to be a ripe 20-something.

As I got older, I internalized this kind of reaction. Things that didn't seem to rattle other people would drown me and then I'd get down on myself for being too sensitive. If someone said one critical thing to me, I'd assume they hated me and bend over backwards to try to make it up to them. I was often in fight or flight mode. Perhaps this sounds familiar?   

Finding a counsellor who understood what I was going through really helped me. She taught me something recently that really helped. She called it "Tick Tock" (she said it was from sports medicine). It represents two poles of thought. Tick is negative and Tock positive. Whenever I find myself in a negative tick position, I say (in my head) "tick tock" and try to move my thinking into a positive tock position. Like a metronome moving from one side to another. Or maybe more like an old-fashioned speed indicator. (I know, weird images)

For me, the "Tick" position is that catastrophizing mode where I say cruel things to myself (usually stuff my mother used to say to me) and assume others hate me. My "Tock" mode is to think about my partner, my friends who love me and the things that give me a sense of peace.

Your tick and tock might be different from mine. And it might take you a little while to find your tock--it can be small. It can be something you like about yourself or a good memory. Anything that helps you feel grounded and loved. Anytime you feel your thoughts pulling into that terrible place, try pulling them to the other side. It takes practise, but I can tell you it works.

I hope this helps. Warm thoughts.

[etown]

Also, to be clear, these thought patterns are not you're fault. They are deeply engrained patterns that were learned before you were old enough to remember and then solidified over years and years. It takes time and work to reconstruct those pathways, but it is possible.

[Zabava]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. This is truly a special space.

It helps that others feel as insecure about trusting as I do.and I appreciate that you all accept me despite my mental health problems.

Kwamina,

I have been thinking about whether I am having emotional flashbacks and I think I.am
 
Over the past couple of years I have remembered so much and it has been hard to process.   I think I was somewhat resilient as a kid... I ran away twice at age 9 and age 12 because I was trying to save myself.

 After I got caught and sent back home twice with no adult I intervention except punishment from school, I became deeply depressed.

I started self harming and abusing substances at 14 and no one cared.  I was very very sad for years and I think these are the feelings that come back when I go home.

On my recent visit my mum told me she had a bunch of my high school report cards and did I want them?  I wanted to scream at her. 

In high school I was completely miserable, sad and so disassociated.my teachers tohought I was high all the time (I wasn't just living in my head).  Maybe this was the trigger I don't know.

I'm confused about why the feelings of despair could still be strong after 30 years.
 

[Zabava]

When I feel like this I just want to go.  Leave this mortal coil but I have 3 kids, so I can't.

[Turkish]

When I feel like this I just want to go.  Leave this mortal coil but I have 3 kids, so I can't.

I've been where you are with those exact same feelings.  Your online family is here for you, though we aren't all on all of the time.  We found a text line which is helpful: 741741 in the USA, Canada: 68-68-68. Maybe you could reach out by text to connect?  It could help, and it's not yet the stage of talking to someone by voice.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava,

Turkish provided you some very good resources. You are dealing with some very difficult thoughts and emotions. How are you today?

I have been thinking about whether I am having emotional flashbacks and I think I.am
…..
I'm confused about why the feelings of despair could still be strong after 30 years.

When I feel like this I just want to go.  Leave this mortal coil but I have 3 kids, so I can't.

Emotional flashbacks are a sign of trauma, often severe trauma. If the trauma was never processed before, that would explain why your present emotional reactions are so intense. Pete Walker has formulated 13 very helpful steps for managing emotional flashbacks:

13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks (by Pete Walker, M.A.)

1.   Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

2.   Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

3.   Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

4.   Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

5.   Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.

6.   Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)

7.   Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

  a. Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)

  b. Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).

  c. Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.

  d. Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.

  e. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8.   Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:

  a. Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.

  b. Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9.   Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

10.   Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

11.   Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12.   Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13.   Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

How do you feel about these 13 steps? Do these steps resonate with you?

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Zabava,

Hugs to you today!   

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling and struggling. I don't mind, and neither do the others here. We've all been there, and we are glad to walk alongside of you and be with you. Never feel like you are a burden here. BPD family watches out for our own.

Are you able to do something kind for yourself today? We have sunshine where I live, and I plan to go outside and enjoy and absorb the rays. How about you?

 
Wools

[Zabava]

Thanks to everyone.  Kwamina I am going to put your parrot carrying the load on my fridge to remind of the unconditional positive regard I've received here.  I have spent some time reading about emotional flashbacks and recovery today and I feel more hopeful.

I was definitely triggered by my visit home.  It was too soon and too long.  I am on the cusp of anger but it still feels so scary.  I reread what Pete Walker says about minimization and denial.  I feel like I'm scared to admit how bad it was and I'm mining my past for evidence.  But really why would a 9 year old pack up her Bible and some soup cans and try to run away if things were not bad,.

I'm not asking rhetorically, I really am not sure if I was just being a bad kid, like my mum said.  She told me I had scarred her for life and she would never, ever forget what I had done to her and it made her sick to look at me.

Now I have my own kids I understand how scary it must have been for her. 

But why did my grandparents (I walked across the city to them) return me home?  Why did no one from my school call Children's Aid? 

These are the questions that make me doubt my memories.

[Harri]

Hi Zab.

I am on the cusp of anger but it still feels so scary.

What about it scares you?  How do you view anger?  How do you imagine expressing it? 

Minimization and denial are defense mechanisms.   Have you ever been able to write something like "I was a victim of abuse" or to say it out loud?  It took me forever to be able to do it... and I still do not say it frequently but working toward being able to sit with the feelings that came along with writing and then eventually stating that truth was a big turning point in my healing.

Sometimes too, I think holding on to the past and re-examining it over and over can be a way to keep us safe.  Even if we feel miserable and depressed we are familiar with this way of thinking and doing things.  Does that ring true at all?  If it does not, just leave it. 

I'm not asking rhetorically, I really am not sure if I was just being a bad kid, like my mum said.  She told me I had scarred her for life and she would never, ever forget what I had done to her and it made her sick to look at me.

Think about what your mom said here and notice where she focused...   I'm sure she was scared.  I am also sure she should not have said what she said to you and she should have dealt with her fear on her own rather than putting it on you and shaming you.  Where did you fit in in terms of her reaction other than as her verbal punching bag?  Did she even hug you when she was saying how scared she was?  Or was it all about her?

Why did no one from my school call Children's Aid?

Times were different back then and emotional and verbal abuse were not even on anyones radar.  I know that is not a good reason for it but it is the only one I have.  Regarding your grandparents, a lot of these behaviors and how our parents interact with their kids is learned behaviors.  Generational abuse.

Keep working on it and checking your memories while using the tools you have been reading about.

Regarding your suicidal ideation, are you still feeling that way?  Are you safe?  Did you contact the text lines Turkish gave you?  Are you safe now?

 

[Zabava]

Harri,

You have asked some really perceptive questions and given me a lot to think about.  

My mum did not express any relief that I was safe, no hugs, just hours off screaming and some kicking and punching.  Obviously, she was very scared and I feel guilty about that till this day.


Anger is something that got me in trouble as a child.  It lead to physical punishment and out of control rage from my mum.  I saw my parents hurt each other physically and emotionally when they were angry.
 
I have learned to avoid conflict or be passive agressive. 

Am I holding on to the past because it's familiar?  Yes, I think you're right.  Ever since I read your reply I've been thinking about it.  Who am I, if I'm not depressed?  What if I let go of my identity as a victim and a mentally ill person?  Who would I be and what would it mean?  I wonder if in some ways I've never really grown up.  Anyway, your very perceptive and I thank you for your insight.

The suicidal ideation is better.  I plan to talk to my therapist about it next time I see her.  I have had times when I called my local distress centre or texted a help line.  It feels mortifying to admit, but it did get me through some very bad moments over the past few years.

[Turkish]

Am I holding on to the past because it's familiar?  Yes, I think you're right.  Ever since I read your reply I've been thinking about it.  Who am I, if I'm not depressed?  What if I let go of my identity as a victim

This is a key point for almost all of us here, with a lot of us either Parentified (taking care of parents) victims of emotional incest (forced into the role of a romantic partner, minus the sexuality, or with some sexuality). Children cast into such roles have no baseline from which to individuate beyond that forced upon them by an unhealthy parent who his or herself isn't individuated as a whole person.

[Zabava]

Yes Turkish,  I think this is a core struggle for many here.

On my trip home I realized for the first time that I don't have to feign interest in family geneology and it's ok not to join in the gallows humour about intergenerational dysfunction.  I felt irritated and bored, but not guilty, which was a big change.  It was freeing to recognize that I am not them, but at the same time, very unsettling.

Sorry if I'm overthinking and taking myself way too seriously.

[Turkish]

We are all about over thinking here 

Last year, my uncle's granddaughter contacted me by snail mail. She is an amateur genilogisist. She kind of knew her granddad was a difficult person. She asked questions. I told her some about my mom,  but didn't tell her that her GGD was a molester, though I implied he was a physical abuser. She told me that my cousins had implied the latter, and that her GD, my uncle, was difficult (emotionally), and that her dad was also.

I let it lie. I feel like my mom told me things I shouldn't have known and I'm not going to pass them on. 

[Harri]

This thread has reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is located here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339206.msg13072891#msg13072891

Thank you