Some days, and nights, I just can't take this

[twocrazycats]

Like tonight. My uBPD DD 18 never tells me what she's planning to do, especially when it has to do with her bf. But I've noticed that whenever she showers, does her hair nicely, and dresses in nice clothes, later she'll say she's going out with the bf and act like it just came up. I don't mind her seeing him, but I really, really can't stand deception. She thinks she's putting one over on me. So I've come to expect it. She usually says she'll be back at midnight, and then texts that she's staying over, because she's "so tired" or whatever. And then often texts the next morning that she'll be back later than planned. But at least she texts, and I know she's safe. But tonight she didn't text. And she didn't answer my texts either, and neither did the bf. I am  HUGE worrier. Also, the last time she didn't answer my texts, it turned out she was having a bad reaction to edibles. She swears she's not doing that any more. But I was so worried that I called, texted, left messages that if I didn't hear from her, I'd be driving over to the bf's to make sure she was safe. She didn't answer, so I drove over. Turned out she'd fallen asleep. The bf's sister implied my dd would be going home with me, so, although I hadn't planned on insisting on it, for some stupid reason, I decided that she needed to. She said no, their dogs started barking, everyone was angry. I stepped outside, she said she'll be back tomorrow. Finally I said okay. So now she's saying what I did was illegal and I'm psycho (and of course the bf's family is wonderful). She has stuff she has to do for college tomorrow, so she better be back as planned. But I'm just so over this. All of it. I wish I didn't worry. I wish I didn't care so much. My dd said I need help, I need to talk to somebody. So here I am, talking to the only people on the planet who understand.

She's supposed to leave for her first year of college on Saturday. I hope she does well. (The bf is going to the same college, I have mixed feelings about that.) And I hope I live until Saturday.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

TCC, I do understand. 18 is a tough age to begin with, almost and not quite an adult.  Add BPD into the mix and it is a real headache. The reality is you cannot change her but you can establish some personal boundaries. This article really helped me with establishing boundaries with my son when he lived with us. Maybe it will help you too. Setting Boundaries
Take care of yourself and vent away here as much as you like as long as it helps
hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

TCC,
I’m in the exact same situation w/DD19 except she is not going off to college. I’ve been overcome with anxiety over the exact same situations. It is hard to accept their blatant disregard for our rules and simple common decency of very basic respect.

The only choice I had was to let it go and start acknowledging my own anxiety. Mindfulness, prayer, exercise, etc. are the only way to drop the anxiety. Our brains are still very primitive in fight or flight so we quickly hop into that mode. It’s very unhealthy for us bc our system floods itself with Cortisol.

This pre-college time is already stressful as heck for you and when you add her recent disregard of basic rules to it, you may be projecting your fears into her future in college. We can’t control even a minute of what happens there. You can think thru some boundaries for yourself once she leaves.

Any ideas how you can set healthy boundaries starting next week when she’s gone? I have 3 older kids that went away to college and I so wish I would have known about “Radical acceptance” when I didn’t know who/what/where/when...