Validation - feels so...insincere

[Omega1]

I'm trying to work on validation - I think it will not only diffuse her anger, but will potentially prevent me from getting angry at all her criticism.
It's feeling strange though - insincere...?

How do you do this without sounding this way?

She comes home after 3 days and I've done all the laundry, but its not all put away, some is hanging or folded in the laundry room.  She complains and says when she left, it looked better.  Ridiculous and so lacking in gratitude, given that I did all the laundry!  When she left it was sitting dirty in a huge pile.
My first reaction, defensive.  But I did all the laundry...
Second reaction - mildly angry that she doesn't recognize I did the laundry, only that I didn't put it all away...
I walk away, angry at the criticism.  I take a breather and then
Third reaction - I understand why you're frustrated to come home and it feels like the laundry room feels like that.

1. How do I shift so I can validate right away and not be defensive?

2. How do I not feel so ridiculous validating - I've been doing it all morning, every third sentence it seems...and I sound silly - like a therapist. 
"I get why you're upset"
"Of course you expected me to do..."
"I can see why you thought..."
"You're right, I should have remembered to..."
"I'm being unfair by not letting you focus..."

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[lotusblossom1]

omega

i get criticized for the food i make for our family. i hear you.

i've been practicing this. what i've found is that you almost have to see the situation from a future perspective. try to put yourself in the "i should have said this" mode as soon as you recognize that there may be some conflict. it's almost like a disconnection. it sounds weird but it works for me. well, has worked.

and i've always thought those sentences that are given as examples sound super therapy-ish too. its hard for me to say them too. what i have done is try to use half of the sentence and fill the rest in with your own words.

good luck to you

[once removed]

It's feeling strange though - insincere...?
...
I've been doing it all morning, every third sentence it seems...and I sound silly - like a therapist. 

this is maybe the number one problem people run into here when theyre learning the tools.

validation only "works" when it is sincere. when we do it naturally. if you think about it, youve probably done that many times in your life with friends, family, loved ones.

but its too often mistaken for a panacea that will make our partners bad behavior "go away". as a result, there isnt anything validating about it...its just condescending. and our partners can see right through it.

think of all of the tools (validation included) as a lifestyle - not a "break glass in case of emergency" type tactic to put out a fire. in that sense, its easier to think in terms of "dont be invalidating" rather than "validate".

context is everything. if your partner is coming at you, angry, its not a good time to "validate". if i punched you in the face, you wouldnt respond with "i understand how you feel". furthermore, dont get into trying to use magic words to make your partner behave a certain way. validation is an important life skill that builds trust and connection - thats the primary time you want to use it. when you do, speak as you normally speak, as you would to a friend.

make sense?