Not biting is often the best policy

[formflier]

I often get questions about my marriage and how things are going.

Here is an example of where it appears my wife is just as bad as ever, yet my reaction is completely different than several years ago...and things are much "calmer"

All prudes exit the post now...TMI alert (it's relevant to the story)

My wife is normally the "aggressor" in sexual things.  As you guys know I have many disabilities and sometimes the pain makes it so that I don't want to move much.  Yet I still want to do what I can with/for my wife.

So...I'm laying next to her caressing while she was working some toys. I had let her know I needed to keep my head and neck still.  She didn't say anything after I said that.

So...she leaves in a huff after a while.  I get the following email

FF, I apologize for falling asleep the other night rather than giving you a hand job like you asked.  We are adults. If you are too tired as a grown man at 7:30 pm to do anything more than close your eyes and throw one hand over onto your wife you need to seek help. That was the worst 'sex' I have ever experienced in my life. It was due to your purposeful trying to act disinterested to 'get even' with me. If you weren't trying to get even then I am sorry for what you have become. Love you.

Right...

Note:  I had dozed off some and saw this when I woke up a couple hours later.  Likely not my best response...but this is what I said.

FFw,

As I said...I am trying to keep my head and neck still.  Movement hurts...really bad.

Let's talk after I sleep.. hopefully wake up better.

Love

FF

She was a grouch the next day.  Then still grumpy yesterday morning as well...then she was back to "neutral" last evening.

I went on with my life and kinda chuckled at the email.  Especially because I have no memory of missing out on any "services" I had asked for.

When they do weird stuff..just move on with your life!

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

At least you didn't use the line "It's not going to suck itself sweetheart". Nice repetion of your original point and offering the chance to discuss (which she never really seems to take you up on).

[GaGrl]

There's a level of acceptance that spouses have to reach with with a partner with a disability. DH lost j s trip on a propelling rope and fell flat on his back from the interior second story of a building during urban warfare training. Needless to say, his back flares sometimes and Ex's 'm very aware of what he can and can't do.

Do you think she felt rejected and the anger to turn that on you "expecting" a service from you?

Either way, good job not biting.

[formflier]

Of course it's all "reading tea leaves"...

But my best guess is high expectations that didn't get met led to feeling of rejection...

But ultimately..who knows.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Gosh, what an email she sent you!  My SO  also goes overboard when sex can't take place, but he won't let it go even when I do the ignore on him.  He has a way of (on all things) saying the argument is over and in the past, only to restart it full pace the following day or even two days later.  Ignoring and staying calm works at times and other times it doesn't.  I know that he had a bad sex life with his ex gf (who was also his only gf before me).  Since he still obsesses about her I think that he makes up reasons to argue about sex with me as he use to with her.  Like his own weird reboot or something.

[formflier]

Gosh, what an email she sent you! 

It's so preposterous...it's relatively easy to ignore.

It's one of those..."so tell me why you have been beating your wife" type of questions (when you haven't even considered a smack.."

Best,

FF

[empath]

Oh, the drama that they can make up.

There was a lot of judgment in her email. How do you feel about it?

[formflier]

In this particular case it's easy to breeze past it because it's so over the top...and she tries to have it both ways.

I can still get hooked with less preposterous stuff..

FF

[Notwendy]

Feeling rejected for whatever reason in the bedroom is tough.

There's also a lot of "interpretation" of you in that e mail which goes into victim mode.

You know- over a lifetime of two people together, sometimes it's good in the bedroom and sometimes it's not. It's part of being human.

The unknown to me was when I was pregnant. Things had been pretty good until then, but I was really nauseated from pregnancy. I assumed my H understood that, and also that it was temporary and for a good reason ( we both wanted the babies and knew we were trying to make one).

But instead, he felt rejected and that I was doing this on purpose. It led to one of the darkest times in my marriage.

I really wish I knew then that it was him "interpreting" me with his own feelings of rejection. It would have made a difference to me. But I had no clue.

FF, rather than not bite the email, know that for whatever reason, she feels rejected. If you are "up to it" ( pun intended), being Mr. Romantic might just be what's needed here.

[formflier]

Two nights ago I gathered my strength and rose to the occasion...  Mission Accomplished.

 

All that being said...there is a problem solving element here.  If someone fundamentally doesn't believe you are disabled..won't go to doctors...believes a church instead of doctors (when it comes to my medical conditions and abilities)...well...

That "affects" our sex life..but it's really a different issue.

The only way to "reduce failure"..is to say no more often and only try when I'm pretty sure things will go ok.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

No, I don't think that is going to help.

It would be about preventing "failure" not helping the relationship.

It seems her sex drive may be higher. A mismatch isn't uncommon.

The questions is: if things aren't looking successful- what else can be done to keep the connection, not to let concern about failure interfere.

I think that's an important point. In my situation, we both got to a "certain age" where hormones weren't driving things as well. H started to have fear of failure but didn't share his feelings. So instead ,I felt I was being blamed, or he'd reject me rather than let me know what was going on. It created more issues, as I didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. I'm not up to what we did when we were younger as well. Menopause happens, but I have tried to be sensitive to how hard it is for anyone to feel rejected.

One perspective I try to keep is that rejection hurts, and that there isn't a good memory of constancy. We could be doing fine and if I said no one time, the response was deep rejection. There didn't seem to be the ability to rationalize that we are doing fine and it was just one time. Instead it was "never" and "rejection".

This doesn't mean you have to say "yes" all the time and be dishonest, but if you are going to say no, don't do it because you might fail if you would do it otherwise. I don't want to get into graphics, but there's probably something you can do.