Im scared of the relationship ending but it's exhausting

[Yossarian]

Hello,

I appreciate finding a place that I can communicate with people that may be going through things that I have gone through as well. I've been married for 15 years and I feel that I have normalized my wife's behavior through the years - I've put up with infidelity, multiple threats of ending our relationship and many other things. In the past I thought I was being strong in being very forgiving. I don't want my marriage to end - my son has extreme anxiety and I feel sad for those in our life that count on us being strong in our relationship. Recently I've learned that she has been making decisions without involving me about my son's mental health. It was a terrible evening and I took a day from work to talk to her about my boundaries. I spent most of the week worried that she was going to leave me over asserting myself.

I'm scared over our relationship ending but I cannot go on with how it is. It's exhausting.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry for the exhausting place you're in, but are glad you've found us.  Fear of losing a relationship when we assert ourselves is something many of our members can relate to.  Can you tell us more about what decisions she is making without you?  Can you tell us more about your assertion of boundaries?

RC

[Yossarian]

Thank you for your reply RC. My 11 year old son has a high level of anxiety and also has had chronic pain issues. The anxiety and pain issues are interwoven - inflammation in the growth plate of his heal sparked a neuropathic condition and his anxiety of the pain caused a negative 'loop'.Learning coping and distraction methods was key to him being able to function. A boundary, under direction of his therapist, was established where such things as wheelchairs and crutches were to be not used. In a solo vacation with my son my wife placed him in a wheelchair for a week without consulting myself or his therapist.

Also, my wife and I alternate taking my son to his therapist. I make an effort to take notes and fill her in on what is discussed. My wife does not. She has some negative feelings towards my relationship with my son, as he seeks me out more than her. There is always some sort of 'conspiracy' against her - in the last therapy session that she took my son to there was a discussion that she did not tell me about until a rough night earlier in the week about 'triangulation' and my son manipulating me. Earlier this week my son came downstairs where I was and said that he was scared about going upstairs back to my wife. My wife began texting me and said that I had to send him back upstairs - at this point my son began to cry. I asked her to come downstairs and we could talk as a family but she said no and that she was disgusted and appalled that I did 'not have her back'. At this point I went upstairs alone and explained our son was scared and she said this is what was discussed in the therapy session and that my son was manipulating me. This was brand new to me - I hadn't heard this was discussed in the therapy session. I asked if I brought him upstairs we could discuss it as a family and she said no. That I was disgusting in my behavior and that he need to act like a sixth grader and come upstairs without his daddy. I told her since she wasn't willing to come downstairs and talk as a family I decided to stay with our son and not send him up. She yelled at me 'just you remember this - this moment right now'. This really triggered me, as this is the type of verbiage she has used in the past when she has told me our relationship is over. I told her to clearly state what she meant and that I would not abide threats. She said that she did not threaten, but 'to have fun with that thought' because she knows that in times past when she has made threats about our marriage ending I have had problems with insomnia. My son and I finally fell asleep around 3am.

The next day was a work day for me, but I called in and took a vacation day. At first she refused to talk with me but eventually she did. I told her that my boundary will be family discussions will always be allowed regardless of circumstance, I will not be threatened, and I encouraged her to go to a therapist. It really didn't go well. She did not discuss anything with me, but just smirked and said 'ok'. She left to run errands soon after and was gone for 5 hours. When she came home it was like nothing had happened. I've been wondering ever since then if asserting myself ended our relationship.

I am scared because I have always been able to make things better when it's just my wife and myself, but her behavior is becoming more oriented to my son. To be honest, after her affair and the threats of ending our marriage i've been more invested in keeping a stable environment for my son. It makes me sad to end the life we have had together; I cannot imagine what it would do to the people and animals that rely on us. I think back on the past and I think I'm to blame because I've normalized things for her. That her behavior is ok. She has so much compassion for other people she works with, but with her family she resort to threats - when my son was having a panic attack a couple of years ago she told him she was going to give his toys away because he didn't deserve them. Just today my son came to me in almost a full panic attack over my wife's threats and I had to mediate the situation.

I have been going to a therapist for over a year - my wife refuses to go. I've offered couples therapy and have asked multiple times for her to go to a therapist. She always says she is one (my wife is in the mental health profession) and knows what they would say. My psycho-therapist obviously won't diagnose my wife because she is not her patient, but after 6 months of working with me recommended the book 'Stop walking on eggshells'. I've read it and it scared me. I'm 44 years old and I recognize that I identify with co-dependency.

To be transparent, I love my wife. But I worry about the role model we are giving to my son. I don't want him in a relationship like this. I really have been at a loss for a long time. I talk to my therapist, and I recently opened up to a friend at work but I don't have anyone to talk to about this close to me - I don't feel good about talking to family because I don't their opinion of my wife to be bad. And I so worry about my wife. What would she have if our relationship ended? I made a vow to her and I love her. But secretly I fantasize about a life without her and it makes me very guilty.

Sorry to drone on - thank you so much for replying. It means a lot.



 

[Radcliff]

You are in a tough spot.  I'm sorry for all the pain you are experiencing.  Don't feel guilty about fantasizing about living separately in peace -- given the load you're under, it would be surprising if you were not having these thoughts.  They are normal.

A quick point about your wife's "triangulation" argument.  Don't take what she says about what happened in therapy as gospel.  It's possible that her account is affected by her feelings and may not be an accurate representation of what happened in therapy, or her application of what was discussed to the situation that night may not be what the therapist intended.  Don't confront her about it.  Just take what she said with a grain of salt and try not to be as threatened by it.

You talked about a "boundary" that a family discussion can always happen.  Adjusting your understanding on boundaries can help avoid a lot of grief.  To learn more about boundaries, visit this page on setting boundaries.  Boundaries are actions we take to protect ourselves, like leaving the room when someone is yelling.  I've caused a lot of conflict by expecting what I thought was "healthy" behavior from a pwBPD.  Nobody wants to feel controlled, particularly a pwBPD.  I found the approach that works best for me is to think of it as giving an invitation to healthy behavior, and if they don't accept, I may be disappointed, but not indignant, and I just let it go.

Some of your wife's behaviors towards you and your son are concerning.  You may wish with all your heart that you could change her behavior, but it's not likely to be successful.  You can have some success learning coping tools here to reduce conflict levels (for example, adjusting your concept of boundaries).  These changes alone may not get things to the level that you want, but you'll get to a better place and you can think about the future from there.  Does that make sense?

RC

[Yossarian]

Thank you RC! Your advice is well received. I will read through the page you recommend and I will also follow up with my therapist later this week.

[Radcliff]

  Keep at it, keep building and using your support network, and keep us posted.

RC