Stability

[Birddog]

Not sure if anyone has experienced this, starting to see improvements in partner through meds. I’ve been on heightened alert mode for many many years, my system is tuned for the next crisis.

Even with the improvements, went alone to marriage counselor  and completely broke down.  She asked that bad, all I could do was nod. Needed some closure from sessions a year ago. Personality disorder wasn’t formally diagnosed, but MC was aware.

 I desperately want to see improvements in spouse, just with all trauma get very fearful probably for relapse. Sometimes go into denial guilt mode on is it really that bad and start apologizing for the bad behavior when things get better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I saw some significant improvements in my partner when she was on antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds.

I think improvements can be scary for a couple of reasons.  When things get better, we may realize just how bad they were.  We may also fear that things will get that bad again, and have a hard time feeling safe to enjoy the improvements.  We may find ourselves getting into a worse state just when our partner needs support and encouragement from us.

It sound like the stress on you is immense.  Can you tell us more about your situation?

RC

[Birddog]

Married 21 years, 4 kids, recent hypothyroid and Schizotypal PErsonality Disorder Diagnosis of spouse. She is in complete denial on the STPD diagnosis. With Cluster A, not finding as much studies as Cluster B, but seeing a lot of similar traits and themes. Med treatment of Low dose Abilify and Synthroid started about 4 weeks ago.

Delusional thinking believe will always be present,  in a race to get psychotherapy in (DBT) while she is stable to continue to make improvements. She seems willing, and recognizes need for change, trying not to loose the momentum gained.

[Radcliff]

That's a heavy load.  How old are your kids?  What does your support system look like?  Do you have your own therapist?

RC

[Birddog]

Have pastor, abuse advocates, marriage councellor, therapist for spouse, couple trusted family members, working on building support network. Have kids from 12 down to 3. Kept a lot of this in dark for years.

Father in law is ok support, rest of in laws have to be very guarded with, some family history issues.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you've done a great job building a diverse support network.  How long did that take?  I imagine it was hard work.  Do you feel stronger now than back when things were all in the dark?

How are the kids doing?

RC

[Birddog]

Therapist is hardest. Also because of distortion campaigns, hit some alienation of friends and family, can hit land mines planted by SO also makes it tricky. Those distortion campaigns were solely to hurt, not help anyone. Took about year to get resources in place, learn to navigate emergency services, advocacy groups, behavioral health services.

Kids all have unique needs, I try best to present united front in front of them, back spouse up, show them they are loved and have safe home. Spouse loves the kids, try to support her, and keep stress levels manageable.

Child ones and twos boundaries were completely trampled on by SO, found ways to address.

Child two has some ODD spectrum issues, worked on parenting strategies with that, did some enablement for spouse, still work in progress, feel headed in right path.

Child 4 went through aggressive three year old stuff, think not enough attention, started working on better parenting methods to address.

Still feel have many gaps in plan, in process of working out a self care plan to help protect from caretaker fatigue.

[Gemsforeyes]

I am so sorry, birddog...

Good for you for all of this work.  NOT easy... Not at all.  And yes, self care is vital.  Now that you’ve shined a light on what’s been happening, please keep that light on.  No more secrets.

You didn’t cause your W’s illness and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it or “fix” her.

An important thing for you, is to have your own ally, whether it’s a friend, a cousin, a therapist, your pastor or whomever.  Someone who is yours and will listen or be with you without judgement.  Maybe have lunch with you, go for a walk, ride bikes, have a beer, watch a ballgame... just “be” with you.  No advice requested or wanted.  Sometimes it’s good to just feel like a “normal” person for a few hours here and there.  This is part of self-care.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

Continuing Gemsforeyes' thoughts on self care, are there any activities or things you do or can do for yourself that give you joy?  Joy's a pretty strong word, but that's the word a buddy of mine used to finally get me doing things for myself, and it worked.

RC

[Birddog]

Thanks Gemsforeyes and RC,

Been given FOG by MIL, GMIL, BIL basically, my fault for their relatives condition. Saw same dynamic with my moms struggles with autoimmune disease from her family. I Struggle with that guilt. marriage  councillor basically said you realize spouse will need to meet you half way, and let that sit. Other thing is you have done all you could do.  I believe I am at peace with having done everything I could do, some moments will creep in like maybe I should have done this, I don’t ignore that feeling, sit with it, recognize that uncomfortable feeling is part of me, and make peace.

Through process, finding it’s easier to fix myself, more appreciated by all involved.

Have dad, siblings, father in law, wife’s cousins that are tremendous support. Wife’s cousin has service related disability and PTSD, and able to help navigate in patient mental health services. They I can trust with just about anything. I need to reach out more. Also have couple really close friends to hang with. A lot of this is pretty heavy stuff, so confide in way that doesn’t seek to destroy. Many can understand thyroid issues, The realm of Personality Disorders is pretty abstract for people who haven’t seen or experienced. Many of the good therapists now seem to have understanding enough to navigate through.

Have a good variety of outdoor activities, it’s a balancing act with personal needs and family needs. Generally try to include whoever is willing to go. Couple things found to help on this, with abandonment issues, stress to SO this is part of self care, you care about them and will be back. Early in marriage, I didn’t recognize the abandonment issues.

[Radcliff]

That's great that you have a support network and rewarding outdoor activities.  It sounds like you've learned that going to pursue your outdoor activities can trigger abandonment fears, but actively reassuring her in advance has helped you stay active outdoors?

RC

[Birddog]

I

  It sounds like you've learned that going to pursue your outdoor activities can trigger abandonment fears, but actively reassuring her in advance has helped you stay active outdoors?

RC

The reassurance was an easy change, many dividends.

Over the years, quite a few interests have been devalued and squashed and I was becoming increasingly more isolated from friends and family. I think a few things were going on, abandonment and severe social anxiety, and inadequacy in preparing to go somewhere.

Just addressing the fear seemed to show I at least understood that. A five minute runaround the block was triggering very clingy behavior and wanting to help. Addressing The fear in a loving and supportive way has allowed me to continue current hobbies and interests, and problem behaviors are not quite as severe. She also seems more at ease.

For friend visits, church, I have alternate transportation if necessary.. There are such strong fears of inadequacy, oh I forgot this, need to do this running out the door, we could easily be a day late for school functions, family visits, endlessly prep for a weekend getaway to be ready to go late Sunday night.

Arriving at a restaurant she used to start rutching through the car for things, this would go on for 45 minutes. So eventually just moved the kids in to restaurant, and say honey I’ll save you a seat.  let her do her thing. Order meal for her, sometimes to go, and everyone. Kids behavior has improved. Wife started to realize, I’m the only one doing this behavior, and everyone else seems in control and fine. Kids were so well behaved and didn’t need all the pacifiers she was rutching for that she fealt she needed when kids would get antsy waiting for her.

For kids, needed to coach a bit, “right now” meant “45 minutes later”.  There is some grace in there, but talked through expressions like give me 5 min, give me a second, and what they mean, and look for cues on whether to take literally. With mom, important to seek clarification, and be respectful about that.  I don’t seek to undermine her, but for kids, they need to know reasonable amount of patience,  also focused with them on problem areas of why right now meant 45 minutes later, perhaps there may be some legit reasons, and mom may need their support. Finding shoes for little one, making sure they are dressed, ready to go, etc.

[Radcliff]

Learning how to carry on and not get caught up in conflict, or stymied by a stalled pwBPD is something that takes many of our members a while to learn.  Sounds like you're doing well there.

You talked about breaking down in front of the counselor, yet in talking to us you sound as if you've got all of this nailed.  This stuff is not easy.  Us guys, especially seem to hide how we're doing, even from ourselves.  How are you doing these days?  Do you know?

RC

[Birddog]

Definitely taken it’s toll. I see areas I am struggling emotionally, can be challenging to process. I am working  to get those feelings addressed. Probably some shame, guilt, and vulnerability associated with those feelings, don’t feel depressed, but would probably classify at moderate.

Going in to see councillor again solo today for own needs, not sure what will focus on, but that’s okay for now..Have a lot bottled up. I think biggest challenge is sense of inadequacy, maybe some resentments.

Been 4 weeks relative calm in household, really a shock to the system coming off of crisis.

Kind of a wake up discovering that nonBPDs may need more support than the BPDs.  There’s lots to process, crippling uncertainty.

I try best not to play victim to it and move forward.

[Birddog]

Received PTSD diagnosis today. Still processing.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering from PTSD, but hope the diagnosis helps with regards to your future healing.  Who diagnosed you?

RC

[Birddog]

Councillor made diagnosis, went through the criterion, fits with what feeling physiologically. We’ve had about 1 year history, Wasn’t expecting a diagnosis when went in, but not surprised. I think treatable. I Trust the opinion on this one.

Not like looking at  blame, just looking at the best path forward, think it’s manageable.

My biggest concerns are how it’s going to impact my SO and kids wellbeing, if any.

[Radcliff]

I understand your concern about the impact of PTSD on your SO and kids, but it's important to also focus on yourself.  Dealing with the PTSD is going to take a sustained focus on your own well being.  Did the counselor discuss treatment options with you?  Will he/she refer you to another therapist?

RC

[Birddog]

I’ve  scheduled bi-weekly with her, and starting with the ptsdcoach app. Self assessment puts me in the high range.

Thoughts on treatment paths, RC?

[Radcliff]

A couple of thoughts. 

First, think about PTSD kind of like a concussion.  If you keep getting hit on the head, it's hard to get better.  Double down on the coping skills and self care, and talk to the counselor to understand why what's going on is so painful for you, and try to improve the situation so you're exposed to less pain.

Second, EMDR has shown good results for PTSD.  It really works.  You'd go to a specially trained therapist to do it. 

RC

[Birddog]

Thanks Radcliffe

First, think about PTSD kind of like a concussion.  If you keep getting hit on the head, it's hard to get better.  Double down on the coping skills and self care, and talk to the counselor to understand why what's going on is so painful for you, and try to improve the situation so you're exposed to less pain.

Second, EMDR

Will check these options. Been struggling the the trauma piece, my relative with war time PTSD said I need to rethink that diagnosis. Nothing that traumatic came to mind, just going through motions caring for family, job stress.

I went through RID, chose something relatively benign painful memory I thought, taking spouse to ER, had two recent visits. One inpatient.  Second was outpatient for potential side effects from meds. The thought fused with childhood memory of taking mom to er under similar circumstances, and meds not healing autoimmune disease (systemic lupus).  May have found answer to trauma piece.

[Radcliff]

You're on the right track.  Don't be thrown by the views of your relative with wartime experience.  "Complex PTSD" is more common in a peacetime scenario in a family, where traumatic experiences build up over time.  "Traditional" PTSD as it's described in DSM is keyed to incidents like combat, rape, bad accidents, etc. where there's an imminent fear of death.  Rather than thinking about whether a collection of experiences was "bad enough" to generate, PTSD, one needs to look at the symptoms that the survivor is experiencing.  Working with your therapist to understand how vulnerabilities created as you were growing up may interact with traumatic experiences you've experienced in your relationship can be very helpful.

Just as with BPD, PTSD can have varying severity and is different from person to person.  How bad it is or how official the diagnosis is is less important than the fact that understanding that elements of the disorder are present can lead you to understanding, treatments, and coping tools that can make things better.

RC

[Birddog]

Radcliff,

First EMDR session today. Good stuff.

[Radcliff]

Awesome! 

It can be tough work, but also a relief to be processing things and moving them to a place where they cause less pain and anxiety.  Congrats on the progress!  Keep us posted!

RC