New Here: Intro to my story

[SearchingForHope]

Hi there. I am a female in my twenties. Although never diagnosed by a doctor, I am very confident after reading the book “The Borderline Mother,” my mom has BPD and narcissism. This is a very new understanding. I started in person therapy last week and it felt so good to talk about my past I sobbed the entire time.

I still talk to my mom on a daily basis. My entire life has been shaped by keeping my mom happy at all costs. There has never been an alternative for me. I’m so relieved to know there are others like me and not all hope is lost. I want to find ways to be healthy and be my own person, especially now that I have a child of my own.

I don’t want to be bullied anymore. I want to feel strong and capable. I don’t want to suffer with depression forever. I want to face this head on and come out better than I started. I am a healthy person, but for some reason I have always struggled with high blood pressure. It has been very curious for my doctor. We are beginning to start to wonder if my childhood trauma has contributed to my hypertension.

Thanks for reading. It helps to know I’m not alone.

[White Feather]

Hi there you should be so proud of the progress that you have already made when you are only in your twenties. I am in the same position with a BPD father but alot older than you. My blood pressure is also always elevated and I know it's stress related to constantly walking on eggshells. It is a difficult road that we walk,and there is so much helpful literature out there, regarding this disorder. This site is an absolute light in the dark and has helped me so much. The key is self care and finally putting yourself at the top of the list. This is easier said than done, meditation helps, a walk in the country a chat with a friend or a therapist. I have realised that I can't change my father's BPD and no matter how much I empathize or understand why he behaves the way he does. Ultimately the intent behind hurting another is pretty much irrelevant, it still hurts and cuts deeply. I wish you all the success for the future, your baby is blessed to have a mum as brave and wise as you clearly are.

[SearchingForHope]

So kind of you. Thanks so much for responding. I wish you the best.

[White Feather]

 :hug:It's my pleasure I have read more on this site than posting. I just wanted you to know you most definitely are not alone. There is alot of us out there. It's a shame that it is us that end up seeking help rather than the "elephant in the room" that needs it. It is very difficult my mother was diagnosed NPD (malignant) And I decided to go No Contact 6 years ago. It hurt because I had to accept that she was never a mother to me, and I believe NPD has a level of deliberate consciousness and intent to harm another. BPD I feel is just as hurtful but I feel the intent is coming from a different place. One of self loathing. I will see how things go with my Dad, talk to people about it,self care and learn to love myself. We deserve it. Good Luck.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi SearchingForHope!  I want to join whitefeather in welcoming you. You're not alone.

I don’t want to be bullied anymore. I want to feel strong and capable. I don’t want to suffer with depression forever. I want to face this head on and come out better than I started.

If I heard these words come from my own kids I'd feel nothing but pride. Like whitefeather said, kudos for the progress you've already made. Your little one needs you to do all of the above!

I am a healthy person, but for some reason I have always struggled with high blood pressure.

My husband is a fitness nut and eats healthy and also has high BP (his mother is uBPD). He thought it was just genetic. I've read that others on this forum link their physical health issues to the stress associated with a family member's BPD. You're not alone there either! 

[cle216]

Welcome! 

I'm glad you have found this site. I've found comfort in knowing I'm not alone and being able to talk with others who can relate. I also recently have been reading "The Borderline Mother". It's taking me forever to get through it because it's a lot of emotions and acceptance of reality for me. I didn't expect to be able to relate so much. It's a relief but also painful at the same time and a weird feeling to be reprocessing things that happened long ago and just now having emotions. I'm a mom now too (2 boys, 4 years and the other 9 months) and being a parent really changed my perspective on my past. Glad you're here!