Planning to leave tonight. Volatile situation. (Please help...)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  To the wonderful people on these message boards,

I am fairly certain tonight is the end of this relationship. I live on the East Coast, have been visiting relatives for a few days, and found out (with incontrovertible proof), that my partner was at a sex club last night while I was gone. I sent him a few texts asking him to come clean, and he denies up and down, but doesn't address the obvious evidence. It is pathetic, it is unacceptable, and this is it.

I arrive home this evening, and it's quite possible that a full blow-up ensues. I have my to-go bag ready, my cat carrier, and a safe place to go to. But I don't know what else I should prepare for. No history of physical violence directly at me, but a lot of hitting objects and screaming and ... you all know the rest of it. There are no firearms in the residence that I know of.

I am begging for any advice you may have. Apologies if this reads as dramatic but the hysteria feels warranted today. Thank you all, I am so grateful for these boards.

[onthewater79]

  To the wonderful people on these message boards,

I am fairly certain tonight is the end of this relationship. I live on the East Coast, have been visiting relatives for a few days, and found out (with incontrovertible proof), that my partner was at a sex club last night while I was gone. I sent him a few texts asking him to come clean, and he denies up and down, but doesn't address the obvious evidence. It is pathetic, it is unacceptable, and this is it.

I arrive home this evening, and it's quite possible that a full blow-up ensues. I have my to-go bag ready, my cat carrier, and a safe place to go to. But I don't know what else I should prepare for. No history of physical violence directly at me, but a lot of hitting objects and screaming and ... you all know the rest of it. There are no firearms in the residence that I know of.

I am begging for any advice you may have. Apologies if this reads as dramatic but the hysteria feels warranted today. Thank you all, I am so grateful for these boards.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi onthewater79-

I’m so sorry it has come to this.  I believe the very best and SAFEST thing you can do is NOT escalate things when you walk in the door this evening.  Try NOT to ask any questions.

Despite how difficult it will be to not push for answers and the truth as you see it about what he may have been doing last night, let it be so that you can leave safely.  YOU NEED TO LEAVE SAFELY. You want to take your sweet cat and leave safely and quietly.

Perhaps gauge the mood when you walk in, maybe say you want to take some space for a few days, take your cat, your go-bag, some papers and leave.

Are you certain he’ll be home tonight when you arrive?  Because if you feel you can have a quiet night with him there, it may be better to leave tomorrow when he’s not home.  Could that work?  Would that be safer?

Finally, is it possible to notify authorities that you are fearful, that you want to leave and have them waiting outside for you so that you can safely exit?

You may also wish to inform the friends you’ll be staying with that you’ll arrive by x time; and if you don’t, to call the police and send them to your house for a welfare check.

Please consider these things.

I hope I’m not overreacting, but I don’t believe in being “overly cautious”.  With pwBPD and rejection who’ve shown a bent toward violence, the switch can be flipped quickly.  It happened to me.

Please take good care and keep us posted.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Vincenta]

Dear onthewater,

So sorry to hear this!
I do not think you are overreacting- this ( your ex- boyfriend)is the same indivual who e.g. has threatened to kill you pet, talks to himself, repeating ‘kill, kill, kill’...if I remember it correctly?

Could you go back home when you know that he won’t be there?  Really, I do not think it will be a good idea to go back him waiting, probably already dysregulated , at home.

If absolutely necessary to go him still being there, please do not go alone, but with a ( as ‘neutral’ as possible) friend or neighbor.

If you meet him, try to be as ‘ dull’ and boring as possible. Like Gemsforeyes already wisely stated, best just to state something along the lines ‘ Pooh, I am so stressed after meeting with relatives that really think that I need a few days to discuss my family probs and load my batteries with my girlfriends only’... or similar ( that could work especially if you go there with your girlfriend).

The goal is not to escalate and therefore please do not state anything about the sex club. He probably does not even understand the violation of your boundaries but will be in denial/ rage.

Your ( and your pet’s ) safety is  the highest priority now,

Big hug,

Vincenta

[Vincenta]

Addition  still, dear onthewater,

Please remember also that one of elements of BPD is the ‘ lack of impulse control’.

Well, I thought also that ‘my’ BPD won’t ever physically harm me. ( And that I am wise and strong and would never end up in situations / persons with those kind of problems).
Was soo wrong! . Got a fracture on my knee ( that still hurts sometimes) and on other occasion had also an open wound on my back of my head needing four stitches. Both of  these attacks came basically out of the blue ( during dysregulating), , he was just a bit drunk, got suddenly furious out of nowhere.

So please do be very careful, won’ t you? 

[onthewater79]

You all are the best. Trying to take this in stride, acknowledge the pain and cry when I need to, but otherwise trying to move forward.

This afternoon has been a restrained (on my part) text communication with him about the facts as presented. He continues to deny, but responses are, in my read, a tacit admission of guilt, and a further assertion that "now I know how it feels" and "I have always been loyal to you" etc. Usually this throws me for a loop. I tend to give up my own sense of truth and objective reality. Today I see through it.

But in any event, I am still contemplating going to a hotel tonight when I get home. I don't know if it will be necessary—I think he will be asleep in his own room when I get back—but I don't want to risk anything. I see what everyone is saying here about things escalating to physical violence out of the blue. It still doesn't feel like that here, but I acknowledge completely that I could be wrong. I just don't want to seem like I'm playing victim here. I hate being victim more than anything.

[onthewater79]

ps: I acknowledge and will follow the guidance not to get into the details of this situation when I get home. I will not confront in any way. I may have contributed to a heated situation by choosing to respond to his texts today, but have ignored for several hours now and have no problem side-stepping things. If need be I can have everything I need in both hands in about 30 seconds of arriving, and leave swiftly afterwards.

[onthewater79]

@Vincenta, yes, that is the same person. However, if need be, a neighbor and friend (and very burly guy, which is helpful since my partner is 6'8") could potentially be on hand. Don't want to draw him in to this but I know if I were in need he would do so. 

[Vincenta]

Hi overthewater,

Hotel is a wise decision!

Hug, and keep on posting!

[Vincenta]

BTW I hated to feel - or being labeled as a ‘victim’ , so  I kept many things under the carpet almost for years. I thought that telling about the abuse I had in my relationship would make me looking like a weak person,  not in control in my life etc.
Until I could not  take it anymore. Abuse is what it is and we are NOT the guilty ones.
Please remember this, keep your head high and when you eventually will meet him, don’t escalate.

And one more thing; please do not use the big  neighbor guy  if possible, for picking up things, as it might be seen as an provocation. You might want to ask support from your girlfriends here.

My ex is also a tall guy (about 196 cm tall, - whereas I am 165 cm only and quite slender so when it comes to any physical attacks, we were not compatible ), anyway I noticed that my ex could get  in the really competitive mood  meeting another ‘ big’ guy.

Hugs, and keep on posting!

 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi onthewater-

I am hoping and praying you’re peacefully and safely tucked in bed with your beloved cat curled up beside you.  I am hoping you have a quiet morning with a nice cup of coffee, that your bf leaves for an hour or so and you have the chance to calmly gather up your things and leave.

From what I’ve read, this has been your plan.  Leaving is not easy... but sometimes it’s the only decision that makes sense.  I’m sorry, my friend.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[onthewater79]

Thank you all for the support.

Last night was ok. Shocked to type this: I was expecting true fireworks, but there was none of that. He had cycled back to being a sweet, lovely guy, which I know is a transient state. I am thinking of the resources on this site that warn non-BPD partners about sudden shifts in the BPD's affect to appease the other during last stages.

So as it stands, I am still in limbo, albeit I'm suddenly idolized again. Hollow victory, of course.

@Gemsforeyes and @Vincenta, thank you for being so kind.

xo

[Vincenta]

Hi dear onthewater,

Glad to hear that no drama!

What you will do now?
Do you have any strategy or plan, knowing that the situation might change rapidly...?

Hug

[gotbushels]

onthewater79   

I'm 5 years out of my relationship with my UexBPDgf.

I support you alongside the others in helping you get through this.

I am fairly certain tonight is the end of this relationship.
[...]
my partner was at a sex club last night while I was gone.

The date you wrote this was August 27, 2019.

I sent him a few texts asking him to come clean, and he denies up and down, but doesn't address the obvious evidence.

I suggest to you the only person you need to convince at the end of the day is you. You're the person whom is responsible for making your side of the relationship's decision making.

This is not an attack on cheaters/disloyal people.

BPD or no BPD—there's an incentive for all cheaters/disloyal people to minimise the damage they've done to their relationship as a consequence of their actions. When you accept this, it'll help you anticipate what a cheater/disloyal-person will do if caught—minimise and deny. Objectively, it's a benefit-maximising strategy for the cheater/disloyal-person. Therefore, where that leaves us as the emotional caregiver party in the relationship is here—define for yourself what's good enough for you to leave the relationship.

It sounds tough ("oh how can I do that to him"), so here—it's basically the same thing as deciding what's good enough for you to enter the relationship. In my view, getting out with the cheating BP is much easier for us because it's a clear and obvious limit being crossed for many people—healthy or not healthy.

Last night was ok. Shocked to type this: I was expecting true fireworks, but there was none of that.

I think empathy here will help you. As SO's here, many of us are good at that—we do it too much. And now distinguish that from excessive compassion.

Empathy here means to understand and anticipate what he'd do if he cheated. Put yourself in his shoes. If he's a violent person, and it's going to be interest-maximising for himself. This means he's got 2 easy options:

1) React violently.

2) React non-violently.

In the first, it's almost certain you'll leave—and fast.

In the second, there's a higher chance you'll stay. Then the ball's in his court as to where he wants to take the relationship given his mistake.

At the end of the day, we're all responsible for our own choices. Don't rely on negotiating with someone with BP traits—it's like trying to make contracts on tissue paper in the rain. Or building on quicksand as a senior on here put it.

So as it stands, I am still in limbo, albeit I'm suddenly idolized again. Hollow victory, of course.

In your position, me too, I'd have nagging feelings something isn't right. That you said some people shift to appease during the later stages (to get what they want) seems consistent with this nagging feeling as to why my intuition is telling me that.

Limbo is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it gives you the space to self-care and consider your position and options. Bad because it allows unhealthy patterns to persist through indecision—especially if you don't have creative action to improve your situation.

In my relationship, peace wasn't good for my ex because I could more quickly figure things out. So I encourage you to self-care and decide for yourself where you want the relationship to go.

Good luck and enjoy your weekend.