Reality Check - Is she lying or am I being paranoid?

[The Wind]

I wanted to run this by the members of the board that were interested in commenting. As people who have lived with someone that has bpd, maybe ya'll can help me sort this out.

So my wife and I dropped our daughter off at school the other day, and talked in the parking lot after, and everything was fine, then she says to me that she wants to quit her job in January, that she thinks we can save enough money between now and then so that she can quit her job, which will allow her to finish out her last semester of school, and after that she can test to be a Nurse Practitioner and start working as an NP. I simply said, okay, well I'm fine with that as long as we can be in a position to make it financially, I also said that I just don't want us to get into a bind with our finances, but otherwise, I was okay with that. That is literally all I said, and she throws her hands up in the air, rolls her eyes and walks away, gets into her car and leaves. This is the very first time that she's mentioned this plan of hers to quit in January to me.

She later sends me a text that say that every time that she mentions working or quitting work that I look at her like she's stupid, that she is terribly unhappy at her job (which I know very well, that's been every job since the day I met her) and that she'll just keep working until she's burn out or dies from the stress.

I responded as nicely and calmly as I knew how with, I am simply saying that I want us to plan this out together, I said that I think it's a good idea, that we talk about it together, plan it together, have an opportunity for us both to voice our concerns and then work through those concerns and plan for them together. I never stated that she couldn't or shouldn't quit in January, I made that very clear to her in response. I also asked her if she thought it was unreasonable for me to ask for an opportunity for us to openly talk about it and plan this out together. She never would answer that question. She eventually responded with "I'm done" (one of her favorite phrases) and that she was done talking about this. I just left it alone, and said okay. I thought I'd give her some time to cool down, and hopefully come to me and reasonably discuss it later.

I know she hates her job. She's wanted to quit it since about the 2nd or 3rd month of employment. It's her pattern. I know she has a lot on her plate. She's the mother of a young daughter, she's working a full time job, going to school (all online) and doing clinical for school (which her job has graciously allowed for her to take time off for, without affecting her salary). It's a lot, I get that. That's why I don't complain that she doesn't help around the house, I do everything with keeping up the home (cutting the grass, cleaning the home, laundry, cooking, repairs, etc.). That's why I take our daughter to school, and pick her up. I make all her meals, dress her, bathe her, all that stuff is on me, and that's okay, that's the balance for now.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I get a call from her. She tells me that her supervisor comes into her office and tells her that they are cutting her position. She's a nurse manager of a behavioral health unit. They will no longer have a nurse manager, and they are cutting the nurse manager of another department as well. She can stay and work as a nurse on the floor for 2 days and work 2 days doing some administrative stuff, but she would no longer be salary, she'd be hourly. Her supervisor told her that she could continue working in the role she is in for now, and that she didn't know when the change would take effect or what the salary would be. The supervisor said that the decision was coming down from the hospital. My wife went on to say to me that she could not work on the floor in this unit, that's it's just something that "she could not do".

I didn't question her integrity, I'm being supportive, and asking questions about it trying to understand the implications and the reasoning. I've begun thinking of plans, and what this will mean for our family and some of the recent decisions (financial and school) we've made. I've done that since this happened. I'm suspicious though. My wife is a very detail oriented person, she wants details about whatever you're discussing, she ask questions, but here, she's been very vague about it, with little answers to my questions, and from the sound of it from her, she didn't ask many questions of her supervisor when this was dropped. Maybe she was shocked? and didn't come up with many questions? I could understand that. Maybe her supervisor is being vague? and that's why she doesn't have answers? Maybe something else?

She's lied to me about goings on at work before, some things I'm certain she's lied about, and other things I suspect, not just here, but at most of her jobs. She quit a job once telling me how horrible and incompetent the supervisor was, how she had to get out before she lost her license, the supervisor was mean and hated her, and she didn't understand where all the mistreatment came from. I went to that job to help her move her items out after hours, the supervisor showed up, my wife didn't expect that, the supervisor could not have been more complimentary of my wife, and was so nice, and went on to tell me how she was really sad my wife was leaving, and how she was always welcome back. She said  that she understood my wife was in school (she was not) and needed more time to focus on that. I never confronted my wife on that, it was done, she'd quit, I just let it go, but she was lying to me and her supervisor.

I want to believe my wife now. We've been through a lot over the past few years. As it stands I'd say she's telling me the truth, but I recognize that I'm a pretty trusting person. On the flip side I recognize that we are all capable of lying, and that she lies about a lot of things, and with her it's usually through omission, knowing but leaving out. When she's vague about something, she's hiding something. I recognize that she is very much a manipulator. There is that something in my gut that is saying something isn't right here. Is that something my wife is lying? Or is it more to do with the decision that's being made by her employer that just doesn't make sense and doesn't sound right? I'm not 100% sure right now.

Would she lie and manipulate this big to get out of her job? She's quit jobs on the spot without a back up job before because she thought people didn't like her (many times).

Am I just being paranoid because of her history? or because I've heard most of the year how she hates her job and that she's going to quit?

Her not having this job will affect us in a way that will change where our daughter goes to school, I don't like the thought of her making something up that would in turn affect our daughter like that.

Long post I know, I just wanted to get my thoughts out there, get some feedback and get a reality check from folks. Please share what you think. Am I simply over thinking all this? I know people lie big, but surely that's not what's going on here, and I'm just being paranoid right? Or does anyone think I have reasons question this given the history and the timing of all this?

Thanks for your help.

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[Tsunami Sailor]

Hey Wind,

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being paranoid.  She's established a track record, and you are trying to navigate the latest drama using the data you have available.   There are enough commonalities in your episode that it almost sounds like the same personality as my wife.  At the very least, it seems they are both bpd nurses with an unstable job history and trust issues.

It is very difficult to find a balance to stay true to your own needs while validating hers.  I also carry the bulk of the load with regard to feeding and transporting the kids, being the sole income-earner, have funded some of her shopping binges, as well as being deeply supportive and engaged in her therapy programs.  I've observed, or been a victim of, many situations where I simply tried to objectively say we need to look at our financial plan together, etc., and been met with the same hate-filled responses because I am trying to control her, destroy her dreams, or out of spite or selfishness... which, of course, I'm not.  I'm just trying to take care of our whole family today and as far into the future as I can.

I would think the important thing in your specific case is not to focus on what cannot be changed.  You know and understand that she has a tendency to manipulate.  Challenging her might only give her reason to contrive another story.  Like my wife, perhaps yours is depressed, and taking desperate stabs in hopes it changes the way she feels.  I am not saying a relationship is sustainable if that pattern repeats itself, but maybe it helps explain, but not excuse the behavior.  That said, my older son told a pretty big lie a couple of weeks ago.  When he was pressed, he finally admitted he didn't think it was wrong because he heard Mommy call into announce her absence from therapy group because of a medical illness she did not have...

This is really hard.  I think you are right to think about everything.  Balancing it all with kids in the mix makes it even more challenging.

[Witz_End]

When it comes down to it, neither we nor you know the truth for sure.  Is it possible there was a coincidence?  Yes.  However...

I do not think it's unreasonable for you to suspect a lie.  When you look at it, even the fact that you do says something very strong:  trust is significantly damaged in the relationship.  You have seen patterns in the past that have eroded that trust and led you to this place where you don't feel able to take her word at face value.

That is not something to feel guilty about.  It's so easy to feel we're being unreasonable and even to wonder if we're the ones making suspicious leaps in logic, ourselves.

There is certainly motive, because it obviously bypasses any feelings you may have and discussion about those feelings.  It would conveniently be a getting of her way.

I'm sorry I have no suggestion on how you could or should proceed, really.  Perhaps someone else may.

[RomanticFool]

Hey Wind,

Sorry you're struggling. It's hard when we feel we are being lied to and in your situation it also directly affects your daughter. Is there any way you could find out the truth about her work situation independently? I often felt my gut instincts were correct with my uBPDexgf and there was often projection about things she was doing onto me. One of the biggest arguments we had was around my use of my mobile phone. She said I was always on it, which wasn't true, whereas she was on hers constantly. She declared that she would always be faithful to me and then every time she was out for a coffee it was with a 'friend.' She was constantly jealous over imagined women I had on my WhatsApp and then declared me a controlling jealous person when I baulked at one particular male friend she had. I think if something doesn't feel right, it can be because it isn't right.

RF

[The Wind]

Well it’s been a few days and “the boat is taking on water!”

I still don’t know what’s the truth about this situation. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Either her supervisor (who’s the director of several major departments at the hospital) is being vague and deceptive, or my wife is not telling me the whole truth here. I’ve continued to ask questions of her, and still gotten very vague responses. I’ll ask something like, what’s the salary of the position they are offering you? “She just said I’d be okay with it, but didn’t give a dollar amount”. The answer I get to any question mostly goes something like this “I just, I don't know, I don't remember, you know how she is, I don't know”. My wife is all about the details of any given situation, if this were truly happening to her, she’d be all about the details, the why, when, how much, etc. I’ve spoken to her mom since all this went down and without any prompting from me, her mom told me that something’s not right here, and that she doesn’t believe that my wife is being honest about what’s going on with her job.

She told me this morning that she delivered the news to her supervisor that she would not be applying for the alternate position they are offering her after cutting her position out. She said her supervisor asked her to wait and give an official notice when we returned from vacation (which is supposed to start next week). My wife goes on to tell me that she has been talking to her previous supervisor, and has applied to go back to the position she had there, which was a weekend only job that pays much less than she currently makes, but would give her Monday-Friday off, how convenient. This previous job she left because, the supervisor there (the one she’s talking with again) was “corrupt, didn’t know what she was doing, was going to get someone killed, get the place shut down and cost nurses their license”. My wife repeatedly said she needed to get out of there before she lost her license or someone got hurt because of the management’s decisions. She now wants to go back to that place and work for that same supervisor? This for me is where the truth of the matter starts coming to light. I now think that she is simply quitting the position she is in, in order to go work the weekends only because she is tired of working a 40-hour week job, that expects a lot out of her, most jobs that pay well, do.

If I find the truth out, it’s not going to change what she’s put into motion. The only good thing I’d see come out of that, is that she’d know that I knew she was lying and that might humble her some, even if temporarily. I assume if I see her job posted on the hospital’s website within the next couple of weeks to a month I’ll know that she was lying about them eliminating the position.

I agree Tsunami that I shouldn’t focus on what I can’t change, and I think you’re right in that my wife is depressed and desperately trying to change things in the hopes that she’ll feel better. It’s a shame that she doesn’t realize that she’s heaping loads of new stresses that will be coming all of our way once the money runs out, and that won’t be long at all, even with the weekend job. 

Like with your son, I fear what this behavior will do to our daughter, what it’s already doing. Just yesterday on the way home my daughter asked me “why’s mama hateful, it’s not good to be hateful right daddy?” “We need to tell her right daddy?”. She used the word hateful, because my wife uses it constantly. It made me sad, and it made me worry that our 3-year daughter thinks this, and is probably going to say something to her mom about being hateful. She did, last night, “mama, don’t be hateful”. Our daughter seemed to be really genuine, and it seemed as if she was offering her mom advice to help her, which was very sweet, of course my wife didn’t see it that way, she responded with “where’d that come from?” I wanted to say “from her experience with you at times”, but of course I know that’s not the most helpful thing to say. I’m really trying hard to navigate this with our daughter, and to make the right choices in the things I say and do with her in regards to her mom. I don't want to say negative things about her mom, but I don't want to be dismissive of the truth and what my daughter is seeing and experiencing either. I think I have to focus on navigating her experience with her, what she's feeling and thinking without interjecting my own feelings and thoughts about the situation, unless asked.

This is hard, this is all very hard. My faith in God gives me hope and the ability to survive these waves of uncertainty with confidence in him, but it’s still hard because I know so little about what is the next right move to make, I just keep making them, and hope that I’m learning the right choices in the process.

Thanks for the replies and kind words of support.