I feel foolish now

[Ozzie101]

I feel kind of ridiculous. Things were so great for months and I fooled myself into thinking that, you know, maybe H doesn't have BPD after all. Maybe he just went through a bad phase and now, with anger management therapy, he's back on track.

But, lately, I've been noticing some troubling signs again. His mood is, more often than not, grumpy. He's more and more indecisive. He starts ranting about minor things. And I'm starting to notice that he's starting to drag me in on some things again – picking at me or making passive-aggressive, cutting comments on occasion.

Last night, he ended up in a long rant about new adjustments to SS8's school's uniform policy. I agree with H that the policy is silly and that the alert was very poorly handled (went out in a letter in kids' folders with no notice of when it takes effect or any mention of a grace period -- and nothing on the app or social media pages, which are usually well-updated). But he got so worked up he lost his appetite. He was lashing out and going very much B/W: All teachers and principals are morons and deserve to make even less money. They're not worthy of respect. If your kids aren't in public schools in a district, you shouldn't have to pay property taxes. I knew that was just bluster so it didn't get to me and I didn't respond, but it's how he used to talk when he was in his bad phase. Also, threats to call the school and tell the principal just what he thinks of her, complete with name-calling. Keep in mind, SS was within easy earshot of all this. He did end up sending an email to SS's teachers that was actually pretty respectful, just saying SS wouldn't be wearing a belt to school since he didn't have one and we got notice way too late to do anything about it – also pointing out that some kind of grace period or other alert would have been appreciated.

When he pressed for my opinion, I told him I thought it would be fine to send SS without a belt. After all, we just got notice last night. It only came home in a letter and a LOT of kids were out yesterday thanks to a security scare (that was absolutely nothing). I guessed about 90% of kids probably wouldn't have belts today either. He agreed with me.

Later, though, he started pulling me in like he used to. He said, “Well, if he gets expelled, you're going to be getting a phone call. And then you'll have to take your vacation time to stay with him. How will you like that?” I just kept looking at him blankly and he moved on. Or pointing out to me that SS's mom was upset just like he was. But that's the way he used to lash out at me when anything about SS stressed him. He'd push and push for my opinion and then when I'd give it, he'd agree, but then a few minutes later say that anything that went wrong was going to be my problem.

I eventually had to fix something for dinner, as it was 7:30 and I thought it was kind of important to feed SS8. He also launched into “we need to move” because there was a shooting at a place he drives by sometimes to get to work. He didn't go farther with that one. Usually, when he does, it moves into the territory of “We have to stay here because you can't move away from your family. You're tied at the apron strings.” The real reason we have to stay here is that his divorce decree says he and ex must stay in the district until SS graduates high school. But whatever.

The night continued quietly – very quietly. H basically gave me the silent treatment. This morning he seemed pretty normal, though.

But I feel my old anxiety and protective shell returning. Very glad I have a T appointment next week. I just hope the more normal mood lasts because we have a long-weekend trip starting this afternoon. I don't want to overreact, but I'm feeling frustrated, hurt and kind of lost at the moment. I didn't JADE. I validated his feelings. Even when I disagreed with what he was saying, I didn't argue. And it didn't escalate or become abusive like it used to. But it's just so disheartening to think that we could be headed right back where we were.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Ozzie,
I am sorry to hear this is bubbling up again after what sounds like a really nice period of making progress, or at least having calm.

I can imagine it feels pretty frustrating. I know for me, that feeling of appreciating the peace and quiet, holding on to the hope that, "this time it's different"...only to find out that, no, it is just more of the same, is sometimes too much! I can find it heartbreaking and enraging all at the same time.

I know I beat myself up (mentally) in those moments... I hope you are giving yourself PLENTY of grace. You have continued to work on yourself and hold onto hope that your H was making progress. You are doing the kindest possible thing!

When your H starts ramping up the B/W thinking, have you tried to delaying engaging? Something like, "This sounds important to you and I want to give you my full attention, can I finish XYZ first before we discuss it?" Or maybe that isn't helpful?

When the anxiety & protective shell start coming, how do you re-center yourself? (I try to remember to breath through my mouth...supposedly it is helpful.) Are you in the habit of any self care routines?

Good luck with the trip this weekend, I hope that you are able to enjoy it as much as possible.

Sync

[Omega1]

...When the anxiety & protective shell start coming, how do you re-center yourself? (I try to remember to breath through my mouth...supposedly it is helpful.) Are you in the habit of any self care routines?...

I am with you regarding the breathing, although a week ago I would have shrugged this off.
What you describe is very familiar - I started meditation - and without even TRYING, I am able to stay much calmer, refrain from getting angry and also delay engagement calmly.  I've only just befun but it has been miraculous.  I've tried many but never connected with them.  The site I found is called headspace.com - I hope it's okay to share this.

I truly already feel this is a life changing method for coping...

[once removed]

But I feel my old anxiety and protective shell returning

break through it.

youre waiting for your husband to change, but youre still putting yourself in a doormat position when it comes to conflict in your life with your loved ones. its no wonder youre frustrated. you arent giving ozzie101 any voice.

you dont have to "validate" a person that is ranting at you. you dont have to be the peace keeper in your family.

im not telling you to suddenly become adversarial with everyone and damn the torpedoes. i am telling you to assert yourself. ground yourself. find your strength.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that his storms are bringing back your bad feelings and your urge to dive for cover.  As once removed advises, stay engaged.  You validated his feelings, which is totally appropriate and likely helped calm things a bit.  You were able to differentiate between his absurd threats and his actual behavior, which was better than threatened.    You've got this.  Please keep us posted on how you're feeling.

RC

[Ozzie101]

Thank you all. Friday morning, he seemed more centered. We left Friday afternoon on our trip and he was in a great mood all weekend. On the drive, he talked a bit more about the uniform issue, but he was much more rational and self-aware. ("I know I tend to get more upset than I should about those things.")

You're very much right, once. When there's any hint of conflict, I roll over. I do feel stronger than I did a year ago so I think I'm making some progress but not enough. That's probably a big part of why I feel so frustrated and unhappy about things. It's not about him. It's about me. This is something to dig into with my therapist.

The breathing thing is a good suggestion, Omega and All_Out_of_Sync. When he was going off, I tried to keep myself centered. Whereas before, I'd go into panic mode, I pretty much kept my cool, focused on what needed to be done. So, again, better than before but still not where I need/want to be.

Where I run into trouble is when he gets like this, I still don't really know what to do. In some ways, I think I'm being too sensitive. Much of the time, it's not directed "at" me, really -- like in this case. He did pull me in a bit, but not like he used to. Yet it's this explosive verbal onslaught that just goes and goes and goes and it's like a tidal wave and I feel like I'm being tossed around. His therapist saw signs of this and talked to him about it -- about how that can be overwhelming for other people and about his need to center himself and listen to other people and their feelings instead of going full-blast and focusing on himself. And we've talked about it in calmer times but when it's happening, all that goes out the window.

I feel like I can't really get away. When I do the "I can see this is really important to you. Can we talk about it later?" then I'm invalidating him and his feelings, treating dinner/laundry/whatever as more important than him and his feelings. I can't very well leave the house late at night or when he's unhinged and there's an 8-year-old child in the house. I've tried using our safe word and following our agreed-upon plan but he violated the rules and just followed me around the house. If anything, it made him more angry.

Some of the answers may be in the link you provided, once. I'm going to study it now.

Again, thank you all. As I said, I think I'm more frustrated with myself than anything else. I'm reminded of how much things haven't changed: I'm still too focused on him and his wants/needs and moods and I'm still playing possum at the first sign of conflict. Ugh.

[Radcliff]

My sister has BPD traits, and growing up with her was pretty tough.  If I'd had the skills back then that I have now, I don't think that it would have been as painful.  It's your comment about the noise he makes that's not directed at you that made this come to mind.  My sister directed things at me sometimes, but other times it was just drama in front of me (like loudly arguing with my parents on Easter at a restaurant).  I was very upset and wanted her to behave appropriately.  The fact that my expectations weren't being met was painful to me, and I directed this pain at her sometimes, and distanced myself at others.  Neither helped the relationship!  Getting to the point, after all the learning I've done on this site, I realized that I needed to let go of my expectations of her, and if her interactions with others are upsetting me, I need to step away if I'm getting upset so I don't need to watch.

When he's ranting, are you in a position where you can step away for a moment?  Even a slight break might help, like excusing yourself to get a glass of water and asking him if you can bring him one.   If you need more time, you could say something like, "I really want to hear how you feel about this, but I'm having trouble concentrating.  I'm going to take a short walk and come back in 20 minutes so I can listen better."

RC

[Ozzie101]

I was able to step outside a couple of times to move the sprinkler around (watering the lawn) but that's unusual. Most times, if I try to excuse myself, it makes him even more upset because it's a sign that I don't care.

I've come to realize that one of my sisters (the one closest to me in age) may have BPD traits like yours. I was often her main target, but sometimes it was lashing out at our parents. I felt like it was my responsibility to keep my other younger sisters out of the way so they wouldn't be exposed to the drama. For years, I just thought it was her anorexia. Now, though, I'm starting to believe that her eating disorder was a symptom -- not the underlying problem. I found out recently that she's fallen back into old patterns, but this time she's abusing alcohol.

Anyway, all that to say that my reactions to H when he's dysregulating are probably compounded by everything that happened when I was a teen. I felt out of control, hurt and scared. And my parents, though they tried, weren't able to protect me. I never dealt with any of it.

On the plus side, when he was ranting about cursing out the principal, etc., I didn't feel panic or anything or try to talk him out of it, like I would have before. My thoughts were more in line with "Well, if that's what he wants to do, I suppose he'll do it but he probably won't like the consequences."

[LoneRanger307]

Are you guys able to talk about his emotions or reactions in a meta way at all? If therapy worked in the past, I wonder if he needs to revisit his old skills or get some booster sessions.

I feel weird admitting that I am relate to anger spirals like you are describing (but hopefully not as bad...). Anger is a secondary emotion, so I wonder if he could identify underlying emotions (anxiety, fear) that contribute to his catastrophizing. Just an idea.

Maybe think of it as a temporary set back...we all need to revisit and work on skills sometimes. I guess the difference is if he is able to be aware of it or willingness to work on it.

[Radcliff]

Understanding what in your past contributes to how you're affected by present events can be very helpful.  It sounds like we had some similar experiences.  Connecting all the dots and recognizing when you might be stepping into a situation that triggers those feelings of being out of control or helplessness can give you the edge to feel more on top of things, and some advanced warning to think about options.

Perhaps you can meet him in the middle somewhere.  If you know where your hard boundary is, when things are bad enough you need to leave the room, that may make you feel safer tolerating discomfort that's below that boundary level.  Are you able to describe what your "ranting" bounary level is; what behaviors you can tolerate being around, and when you'd need to take a break?

RC

[Ozzie101]

Good question, Radcliff.

It's something to think about. I can handle some of his ranting. When it goes on too long or he's getting too worked up, that's when I have a problem. He gets wild-eyed and irrational. He makes threats. I'm getting better about handling those and I was able to stay more calm and centered this time. My big boundary, though, would probably be when he tries to draw me into it (as he started to do this time -- telling me if SS8 got expelled, I would be responsible) or starts changing the subject to somehow rope in my family. He used to do that a lot -- somehow twist a topic around so that somehow, my family was suddenly a part of the discussion, even if they weren't even remotely connected to the topic at hand.

LR, we are able to talk about things after he calms down -- to an extent. He'll readily admit that he gets too worked up about things and often about things that, really, don't matter.

But he's not always receptive. There have been a few times when I've talked to him about it and how I feel when he gets worked up and he's gotten defensive. He either says he can't change who he is and he has a right to be angry sometimes (I agree -- it's the way it's coming out that's the problem). Or he'll say "That's getting worked up? That's what you were so upset about last year? That was nothing!" And starts doubting the fact that he was verbally and emotionally abusive last year. I have to be careful about approach so as not to derail the train.

[LoneRanger307]

I hate it when they back peddle on their behavior. I wonder if you could bring up therapy during one of his better monents. Some booster sessions to get re-engaged.  Or maybe some key words when he's upset to remind him of skills.

My therapist reminded me of opposite action yesterday--doing something funny or quiet or loving when feeling angry. I spent a lot of time with my toddler last night quoting Daniel Tiger and "counting down to calm down." Sometimes so little silly things are so helpful to lighten the mood in a moment of stress. I'm thinking of making this my Daniel Tiger Emotion Regulation skill set.

[Radcliff]

When he said it'd be your fault if SS8 got expelled, how did you respond?  How would you like to have responded?

When he changes the subject to try to drag your family into things, how would you like to respond?

RC

[Ozzie101]

As I remember, I didn't really respond verbally. I just sort of raised my eyebrows and cocked my head. He moved on. When he mentioned expulsion again later, I said, "Do you really think he will get expelled?" He kind of stammered, then said, "No."

What I wanted to say was, "Like hell I'd stay home/it's my fault. He's not my kid." But I'd never actually say that -- or not in that way.

It's been a while since the whole changing subjects to my family came up a lot. He was doing it regularly last year. When he starts to veer off now, I usually respond in a way that steers the conversation back to topic. Now he lets me. Last year, he'd point out that I was changing the subject and get even more angry. I'd like to be able to get him back on topic without getting him even more triggered. The thing is, when he diverts onto something like family, he gets even more worked up and then you really know the train has left the station -- and then my anxiety and anger go up and it's harder for me to be focused and helpful. Like I said, it doesn't happen much anymore now. I just want to be able to keep him focused and lay off the family stuff.

[Radcliff]

Yup, you've totally got this.  Impressive to hear how your responses and his have evolved over time to the point where intense conflict is often avoided.  We talk here about not trying to control others.  Perhaps we can say that you're extending invitations for him to stay on track and he's accepting 

RC

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, Radcliff! I really appreciate the input and feedback. Sometimes it gets confusing and overwhelming. I just need to remember to stay focused. I think the fact that I didn't get physically shaky and ill this time shows progress.

[Radcliff]

I think the fact that I didn't get physically shaky and ill this time shows progress.

That is a big step, indeed!