Does it just get worse? Is there any hope?

[expatblue]

 Hi, first post here. Me 63 yo living with a 46yo Japanese woman. My kitchen is trashed again, she is sleeping off a bottle of wine and some beers at the moment, I am a bit bruised...yea she gets violent sometimes. It is 4:45am another sleepless night for me.

 We have been together about 11 months now... started fast went deep, she is wholly dependent on me. She showed symptoms pretty early on and it reminded me of something I had read so did the research and she fits the bpd traits a solid 8 of 9.

She has never been diagnosed ...after a really bad event I took her to the local Psych. Hospital where she was briefly interviewed by a "doctor" that after maybe 10 min. diagnosed her with PMS... and since she claims her symptoms began with this relationship he said she was too old for the onset of BPD... so it can't be that.

There was a period when she seemed interested in learning how to control her emotions and better the relationship but to my knowledge there is no chance of therapy in the country we are currently in.  I tried to learn all I could seriously hundreds of hours reading and watching videos on the subject and tried to"counsel" her... I know now that maybe made it worse.

Things got better for a while ,we call her angry rages "drama" and she would proudly count the loving blissful days of no drama.   I think our record is 10 days.

She said if we could move to another country that she loves she would settle down and love me without drama.   So I burned my bridges here and we made plans to relocate, I have lived here 12 years, have many friends, activities and learned the language.  We plan (planned?) to move to a country where I will need to start over, make new friends, learn a new language culture etc. I am ok with that and welcome a change BUT with an unstable needy uBPD partner ?

Why am I with her ? ... when she is "stable" she is deliteful, loving caring affectionate ...all that and more.. But if I trigger her always by accident she loses it she is a rampaging toddler in a 45 kilo strong body.  She is dangerous.

After we made the plans bought the tickets we are ready to travel next month she has gotten much worse.  She has always been jealous of the local women here, they are famous for their beauty and flirtatious nature and when single I make the most of my freedom BUT when in a relationship I am very strongly present... I do not cheat and really focus on the special one.
She never believes me and constantly violate my privacy by checking my emails etc. She often triggers herself with accusations of infidelity while I am very careful to let her know where I am and what I am doing every minute of the day.

So now she is in an almost constant depression , anger , self hate rage, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. I have gotten better at not reacting or not engaging in the drama which worked for awhile  but she has learned new ways to get to me and trigger a reaction.  I have now become deeply depressed by the situation and wondering if it is worth it, if it will ever get better without therapy, IS THERE HOPE ?   I also fear her reaction if I call it quits..or maybe she will do the final discard as she has threatened many times, yea, she blames me for everything... other times she takes responsibility and really want to get out her hell.. she suffers greatly...  I suffer at 63, I know I am being damaged by the stress.. I mean No sleep tonight and often only a few hours.

  So this is where I am ..I know many of you can relate... opinions?  is there reason to hope? 

  I do love her but she put poison on my love and I really don't know how much more until it dies.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I am concerned for you.  BPD relationships tend to have the best hope if the partner has deep empathy, strong boundaries, and is working from a position of strength.  You've got the first one down.  Most members do.  Many, perhaps most, have trouble with the second and third.  The fact that she can be physically violent and there's an age difference between you that could increase your vulnerability with time is concerning.

Basic health and safety is the first priority.  Without that, you can't successfully continue.  Can you tell us about the most recent incident of physical violence?  Can you tell us about the worst?

RC

[expatblue]

 Thank you for the concern.  The violence has been 3 occasions in the year we we have been together,  been slapped punched and kicked a few times, no real damage, I don't physically defend myself as then it would be "fighting" and I will not fight her.  I am quite robust and strong and know I could hurt her easily so I really have a lot of self control.  I have no desire to hurt her just to calm her. Being passive seems to deplete her aggression.  The second incident resulted in me ejecting her from my (our) residence for 2 days, that really shocked her into realizing there are consequences to her actions.

  She has had an unusually turbulent emotional state lately which seems to be passing (?) Today seems to be entering an idealization phase ... she does appreciate that I can empathize with her condition and support her during her dark periods.

The journey continues...  my condition is more stable today also after a full nights sleep for both of us.   She has told me not to be affected by anything she says during a meltdown so she has a bit of self awareness, her condition terrifies her more than me because I have the option to walk away and she has to live with it.  I have agreed to support her but not at the cost of my health and safety.  ...  Today I am choosing to see it like living in the Bahamas, when it is good it is paradise, but there are frequent hurricanes. 

[Radcliff]

That's very important that she knows that there are consequences to violence.  Even if "out of control" she will likely be able to avoid violence if she's learned that there are consequences.  Take a look at this page on setting boundaries.  Do you see any other places where that could be useful to you?  How might you start setting boundaries around getting enough sleep?

RC

[expatblue]

 A good read about boundaries ...thanks..,  she has gotten good at quietly going to her own room when she can't sleep, usually only disturbing me when she needs comforting from her night time fears.. this of course is acceptable desirable behavior.  Usually we sleep together.

  when she is dysregulated, angry raging of course not always possible to sleep.. adrenalin kicks in and exhaustion follows,... luckily I have the luxury of not needing to go to work in the daytime so am able to nap if needed.

 I know "radical acceptance" is required in this situation as well as learning the counter intuitive skills to defuse the rages...  I still have hope, she really is a good hearted person.

[Answers]

Hello expatblue,

A few years ago I found myself in the middle of the most volatile relationship I had every been, the woman was ultimately diagnosed with BPD. At the time, I had never even heard of the disease before. Given my nature as a person, combined with a background in biotech, I did an incredible amount of reading and research in an effort to make sense of what had happened to me. I'm not talking reading information online but I actually went to one of the leading medical schools in the country and read books from the psychology program. Unfortunately I stuck in the relationship to the point that it destroyed nearly every aspect of my life (finances, career and mental health). It took years of therapy to work through the damage of what happened. I'm clearly still a work in progress though as I've found myself involved with another woman who is now showing BPD tendencies. I am doing a much better job responding in a healthy way, protecting myself and now disengaging.

There are a few things that I wish someone had said to me the first time I encountered this condition. Please know I am speaking directly out of respect to you as I do not want to leave any room for misinterpretation. I will also say that my comments are not intended to stereotype of vilify people with BPD. Every case is different as are the extent of the behaviors they engage in.
1.) The behavior you have described that has been directed towards you is abuse. You can go to great lengths to understand why she is behaving the way she does but it is abusive. You do not deserve to be abused.
2.) A patient with BPD will not get better without aggressive treatment, this is documented in dozens of studies. At best, with age, some of the acting out will diminish.
3.) Even if you take the physical abuse and do not so much as defend yourself you can find yourself in significant legal trouble. In almost all developed Western countries the laws are written in a manner that goes to great lengths to protect the female in these situations. If law enforcement arrives at a situation where there has been a physical confrontation between a man and a woman, they will by default detain the man to insure the woman's safety and leave it to the court to figure out.
4.) Lastly, the triggering event for the woman I dated 5 years ago with BPD was us moving halfway around the world together. Having only me to depend on in a new country triggered the BPD after a 12 month Honeymoon period. I was told that this type of move can often be triggering.

I realize this may not be what you want to hear, but the best piece of advice I can give you is to take care of yourself!

[Radcliff]

While it is true that a male survivor of DV can be very exposed to false accusations, it's important to understand the police procedures in your locality.  Fear of false accusations can cause a man to not reach out to police, and we want them to be able to reach out wherever it can help.  Some U.S. states require police to make an arrest at every DV call.  This can put a man at increased risk.  Others only make an arrest if there are physical signs of injury.  So if a man has scratches or other injuries and his wife has none, his risk is lower.  For anyone in a DV situation a good strategy is to go to the police station and explain the situation, and ask them about their procedures.  Walking into a police station is a much better way to start a relationship with them than having them suddenly arrive at your home.

It sounds like you're coming up the learning curve and being very thoughtful about your situation.  The thing to keep an eye on is your strength.  It's only possible to handle a BPD relationship successfully, especially if there are violent incidents, from a position of strength.  Not power, but healthy, inner strength.  If you find your energy waning, self esteem dropping, anxiety rising, or sense of self diminishing over time, alarm bells should go off.  The trick is that these problems evolve slowly, so like a frog in water rising to a boil, you may not notice.  Take care of yourself.

RC

[expatblue]

  All very true guys, thanks.  I understand that without aggressive therapy things may not improve and may deteriorate.  I have decided to hang in there and see where it goes.  I will not tolerate more abuse and have strengthened my resolve...  It seems that boosting her self esteem and sense of security is helpful as well as refusing to participate in the craziness may be my best option until she can actually get into a therapy program in her native language.

  Bottom line is this relationship has more positive aspects than negative.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear expatblue-

I’m sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.  Abusive relationships are painful and can be very confusing.

I have a few questions, and please know...I am NOT being flippant at all.  I completely understand the love and allure that is felt within a relationship with a pwBPD traits.

First let me say that I am a 61 y/o woman, divorced from an abusive H, and currently in a relationship with an uBPD man (non-violent).  We have been together for 6 years and have worked hard to be where we are now.

You have been with this 46 y/o woman for about 11 months and say she is “wholly dependent” on you.  What does “wholly dependent” mean?  Financial?  Emotional?  If financial, how does it come to pass that you just met her and at her age, she is your dependent?

Second, three nights ago when you made your first post she was sleeping off a bottle of wine and some beers.  She had trashed your kitchen and had physically attacked you.  How often does she drink to excess?  Is she an alcoholic?

You state that you are planning to leave the country you’ve called home for the last 12 years because of her promises.  You are going to leave all of your friends, your activities and a culture and language you’ve come to know and love.  How long has she lived in this country?   What was she doing before she met you?   Have you really thought this through?

I’m sorry if I am playing devil’s advocate here.  It just feels so risky to me.  And her violence and instability is frightening, especially if you’re moving to a country where YOU do not speak the language.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[orderline]

Hi acceptable,

I have experience of both staying and leaving.

From my experience I like and care for my BPD but, as you noticed, she becomes psychotic and out of control.

The reason she is drinking is to solve an emotional problem. That is a perfect indication of feelings piling up.

There are two problems. She reads the outside world with glasses that makes other people show up as threats.

The way she deals with these imaginary threats is counter productive. She interprets them as evil and responds in a hostile way.

As she reads the world negatively and responds negatively the outcome is certain. There will be few friends and lot of conflicts and lot of avoidance.

Typically as a BPD has difficulties processing emotions they tend to solve the problem by physical actions. They leave jobs, the leave places, they alter things.

They do everything else except solving the actual problem.

It means if you move somewhere else the only problem is she is coming along with here unsolved problems.

My advice is you completely disqualify her as a problem solver. She is actually an expert on solving problems, but the result is short term and only to fix the immediate and painful feelings she has.

When a PBD is overwhelmed by feelings they can not process. Most insensitive people get relaxed and optimistic when they drink. A desperate BPD can become extremely dangerous and in the rage and violence a lot of damage is made.

Given the damage and the danger I think this should be taken really serious. It has nothing to do with her. It is not personal.

It is an illness of processing information and it will no go away using logics. As you can see the victim her self can not sort the problems out. And she is in the center and should know all the feelings and act appropriately.

She can not. Because her readings are in error and here actions are primitive and do not work.

One other problem is - this is powerful stuff. As an ordinary citizen you have ordinary feelings and are not even close to the strong feelings and the panic they feel.

She is in a survival situation and is capable of using the "nuclear reactor" in everyday situations to get away from almost "near death feelings".

Ordinary calm people can not measure up to the drama and the powerful actions. It is an uneven playing field where you are forced to process and withstand what unacceptable.

I would suggest, all kinds of logical discussions trying to understand, is completely useless. The best to do is to make sure she does not reach levels of intensive feelings and stress.

As soon as her stress level is above a dangerous level she has to be put in distressing mode. Physical activity and discharge of bad feelings strengthening her well being. Leave the room and teel her when you will be back.

The feelings she have can not be addressed by talking. I regard them as more physical in nature and as her logic is trained from an early age it is hard even for specialists to be given permission to alter her view and strategy.

One big problem in BPD relationships is the partner is part of their medication. As there is a constant need too feel less bad and they have poor attachment and "team feeling" thoughts make them separate and wounded. To feel better they go externally and blame everyone and everything for how they feel.

To make the outside world feel the same pain she does seems fair. She will locate what is valuable to you and she will blame you and shame you. To make you upset she will target what you think is what best defines you. If you are reliable she will make you upset by telling you you are unreliable. If you like something that is a perfect opportunity ti dislike it.

If you tell her something great that happened to you she will feel irritated you getting too much focus.

She will want to isolate you from everything that makes You not have a constant focus on her.

When You finally have given up all your friends and given in to all here expectations the two of you will be alone in a room.

Then, after all your efforts and sacrifices, there is only one problems left to solve - the exact same problem she had from the beginning.

Another problem is when she is done closing down your life you may become useless for her as a medication. Out of the blue she has a new partner (care giver) to look up to.

You will wonder where is the friendship you had and all the wonderful experiences you had?

For a BPD the right now is much more interesting than what was and what might be. She can easilly dismiss you as useless or evil if that fits the narrative. It is not personal. Just how they illness makes them think to solve a serious problem.

I would put myself in a safe spot from where I am not relocated by her initiatives. If she works fine that is OK, but when she does not work you should not be in a position where your life is destroyed.

I am not at all negative to BPD problem. It is just that it is much more powerful than we think and it can easily overpower and ordinary person meaning well.

Borderline Personality Disorder is not an ideology it is a malfunction and the more we know the more aware we can act to not to be hurt. To alter them is secondary.

People with a care-giving trait or diplomats are useful for BPDs as diplomates stay in the relationship to nurture their feelings of being useful and accepted.

Many time a serious look at my self I see my diplomatic nature is one of the biggest reason the relationship can continue. As soon as I stop the supply of care there is no response from the other side. I just become useless. What looks like love is simply "being needed" is teaming up with "needing".

Thanks to an intensive BPD relationship, the best experience was I could see my diplomatic skills be corrupt and was used to "wind in" vulnerable or space consuming people. My acceptance was my weakness.

Now I am more careful not to help people for them to like me. Not be diplomatic for people without boundaries to use the entire room.

I no longer accept my diplomatic and helpful strategies to destroy my life.

[Radcliff]

expatblue, I'm glad to hear that your decision to stay is an active one, based on the pluses of the relationship.  You are also pairing it with a caution about your well-being and a determination to work on boundaries, which is vital.  We're here to support you.

Gemsforeyes reminds us of an important point about the potential for you to move away from the country where you've become established.  Where does that stand?

RC

[expatblue]

Wow.. just wow,   so much information,  and really has me thinking and fearing,  to answer the questions about this relationship, ... she has been traveling for a couple years, studied yoga in India, traveled extensively ..was planning to go home to work ...but met me and changed her plan (?) yes, she is now financially dependent.  She self medicates with alcohol, not sure if alcoholic, ironically she often becomes abusive when drinking and also alcohol disrupts healthy sleep...so this is an issue.

  As far as relocating to another country I know she will bring her problems with her (as will I).

   The stress of planning the move is taking a toll on me but I feel I have done, accomplished what I want in this country and am ready for a change in location and culture... I know this is stressful even for "healthy " people but with her... honestly I am afraid.

 I know that I am useful to her at present and she may eventually replace me with a new supply...

[expatblue]

... and honestly I am getting exhausted,  we are supposed to be working on language classes and trying to possibly getting some online work for her BUT there always seems to be something,BPD traits waste so much time and energy !  I really try to ignore the drama, she often now warns me of her early signs of mental / emotional weakness which helps me avoid the minefield.  To me this is progress, shows self awareness on her part. ...  but it still makes me sad, I feel so helpless ... just want to get back to "normal" .. want her to be happy... but there is nothing I can do.  ... the journey continues,

 

 

[Bittlecat]

Hey Expatblue,
I was just reading your posts, and find a quite similar behavior from my bipolar/ubpdgf.
I was engaged to her, and shortly thereafter she insisted we move. I did not. We have been together for 18 months since that time.
What Orderline is saying rings true for me.
Reread it. Think about it. Ive been in an abusive relationship for 26 months now. My experience, my advice, don't move for her. Won't help.
-BC.

[Radcliff]

Are you moving for her or for yourself?  Are you hoping that moving will improve the situation with her?  You are moving to her home country, right?  If you do so, is there a chance you'd become dependent on the relationship to help navigate the new country, and not be able to leave the relationship if you otherwise would have chosen to do so?

I'm not intending to push in one direction or another, just posing questions for thought.  These are your decisions.

RC

[expatblue]

 Really feel I am moving for both of us.. the reason I know this is that if she "flaked out" and disappeared I would still go there alone, I actually do very well alone.  We are not moving to her home country (Japan) we are moving to a mutually agreed country... where we both have the fundamentals of the language and culture.  ... I will not be dependent on her.

   I have been open to moving for a couple years, I do like it here but have gotten bored and the work rules here restrict my professional progress, the new country is more liberal in that regard.

  This RS is the catalyst for the move.  

   I know she will bring her "traits" with her and alcohol is much cheaper in our new destination so yea, I expect stress, drama and challenges.  Reading and study on the bpd topics strengthening my resolve to address the issues from a new perspective, to stand up for my right to
 be healthy, to put myself interest above hers ,,, yea, to be a bit more "selfish".

  I know she has a "bpd" view of our RS, she tries to make me the father she lost (killed) when she was 5,  she wants unconditional love,  the reality that our relationship is conditional, scares angers her... her "adult" tantrums should be seen as daddy would... I get that.  The degree of self awareness she possesses makes me think she would really make progress with the right T.  

 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the details on the move, that helps us understand better. 

You said that you feel helpless.  I think many of us have felt similarly.  What are the elements of the situation that are reasonably in your control?

RC

[expatblue]

Reasonably in my control?  I had to think about that awhile.  Honestly, I can only control myself, my reactions to provocation, (that is an acquired skill) my finances, there is defiantly a bit of a power struggle going on between us, she would like to have more control over me and assume more of the powers that a "wife" would normally be granted.  I am not willing to allow that.   She really needs to take more personal responsibility.  ...we shall see how that develops.

[expatblue]

... also I need to become less fearful,  ... I feel some symptoms of cptsd and depression after 11 months in this RS.  I need to be more assertive about boundaries and taking care of my health, this is all new to me (bpd). ... these are all things I can and must control.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi expat-

I understand how difficult this is...

Yep, boundaries and self-care.  It’s actually a good thing, a very good thing that you’re becoming aware of the onset of depression and some cptsd symptoms now... signals that perhaps the pause button may need to be pushed?  Tapped?

Your self-awareness will be your strength, and is truly your only hope for success in this relationship and maintaining your emotional and physical health.  Please keep in mind - you’re moving to a country where you have NO support system in place... no people of your own. 

And hopefully you’ll keep your finances in YOUR hands and under your full control.  We’ve many instances here on the boards where members have been financially decimated by their partners.

I’m not trying to dissuade you... just caution you.  She’s not a child and it worries me that she’s completely dependent on you.

I may have said this before... but I do NOT believe that adult love is unconditional.  My uBPDbf and I have worked hard over the last 6 years.  I now hold him fully responsible for his behavior.  Although I lead “us”, I will not carry the entire load anymore.   We’re both 61.

Re: Your boundaries and the physical attacks against you?  What is your plan?  This seems a huge deal, and an area where you have dangerous exposure.  You’ve got to take this seriously.    There are loads of instances here where BPD women (mostly) have made false allegations against their innocent partners.  This has often happened when the men were trying to calm the women down, or trying to leave during a violent escalation.  What is your plan?  Can you talk this through?  Have you EVER reported her assaults or told anyone?

Finally... many pwBPD become very insecure around other people and there’s a tendency for us (their partners) to become isolated from other people close to us... friends, family.  When you move, your GF will likely act out when you attempt to make new friends.  This can potentially impact you in ways you may not anticipate right now.  Have you and she discussed how you’ll approach new friendships when you relocate?  Also, how will she handle being alone if / when you need to leave for work?

I apologize for “ throwing the book at you”.  I’m not trying to scare you off.  There’s a lot to know and understand.  With a willing BPD partner, there can be happiness, but it’s work.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

OK, you've got it.  There's a lot in your control, and a lot out of your control.  Keep flying the plane, being responsible for everything you properly should.  When we're in a BPD relationship, we can slide into a situation where it feels like things are being done to us, and we can't control anything.  Then it's like there's a hurricane stalled right over us, and the trauma just accumulates.  Be vigilant to avoid that.

Gemsforeyes makes a great point about isolation.  That can be a huge issue, and seems particularly relevant given your plans to move to a new country.

The fact that you're accumulating CPTSD signs is a pretty big danger signal that the load is heavier than your mind and body should be taking long term.  That's an untenable position to be in.  What are your thoughts on how to reduce the trauma that you are experiencing?

RC

[expatblue]

  Hi all that responded,  I was overwhelmed by all the focus on this exhausting topic ...then she decided to "idealize" me for a few days... got to get it while you can.  Then heavy splitting, devaluation... awful time.  Gems4eyes asked about friends and going to work.  She has no problem with me having MALE friends,  I can go out to see them BUT she often suspects me of clandestine meetings with women... I usually just laugh at the absurdity...that usually disarms her.  Female friends ..out of the question.

  As to going to work...   I am a pro musician and that is non negotiable she has never tried to interfere with that other than having drama and conflict before the time I need to go but, when the time comes I just go and do my job, I don't always come home to a happy situation though. I am very careful to come straight home after so there is no question of me cheating.

 She is crazy jealous of the possibility of me abandoning her for some random lady... she expects it and punishes me in advance... she also punishes me for the women I was with before meeting her !

the last few days have been bad, drinking in the day and night accusing me of ...everything blaming me for everything.  Wasting precious time and energy when we should be preparing for travel.

Yea, I am stressed and exhausted sometimes I just wanna give up and die ...not an option.

  I am getting pretty good in not participating in her rages but she is clever at finding fresh triggers.  Why WhyWhy do we have to experience this?  I. most definitely am in a a "FOG " state.

 

[expatblue]

... as to the question have I told anyone of the physical abuse?  Yes my adult son knows ...I am ashamed to tell anyone else as the inevitable "why do you stay" question is just too much for me.

[expatblue]

 violence... I don't have a plan other than to try to end the RS if it escalates but that is problematic as I know she would go ballistic if I tried to leave her. that scares me ... the situation here and where we are going is not known for having strong DV laws... but that is still a fear I know she would become vindictive... I fear.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi expatblue-

I’m so sorry that you’re having such a difficult time of things.  And very glad you’ve come back.  Have you read the section on FOG?  (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

I may be reading between the lines a bit, but are you saying somewhere in there that you’re afraid to leave this relationship?  I am VERY glad you shared some information with your son about the physical abuse.  How did he react?  Has your son met your BPDgf?

You said much earlier in your thread that the good of this relationship outweighs the bad.  How does this stand today?

It does sound as if her behaviors are beginning to choke some life out of you... boundaries can help with this ...  “rules” around alcohol consumption?  Something?  I ask this because I DID lay down the law so to speak on drinking and my uBPDbf responded straightaway.  Any thoughts on this?

Finally (for now), it sounds like she’s moved around aLOT.  What happens if you arrive in your new country, she discovers she’s still who she's always been and demands to leave?  What then?  If she’s “vindictive” now, she’ll be even more vindictive then.  You have an established reputation where you are.  She could damage you in a new location... so how do you protect yourself?

Sorry for the hard questions. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

Like Gemsforeyes, I'm glad to see you back here.  She is shining a light on something very important.  You are working to make the relationship the best it can be.  Your partner's behavior forces you to think of contingencies, such as ending the relationship if it continues to be violent.  Yet, you're afraid to leave the relationship if it becomes necessary.

You are in a relationship you are afraid to leave.  Mull that over for a day.  Go on a long walk or find some other contemplative place.  What does that fact tell you about yourself?  About her?  About the relationship?

RC

[expatblue]

 Thanks Gems and Rad,

  After our latest blowup .. I had enuf and told her it was over... that was my feeling at the time,  she seemed to accept it and was preparing to go.. reluctantly but passively.  I had actually given her the option of working on mindfulness and trusting... slowing down her response time to triggers etc.  ...  I was actually thinking about my relocation alone and accepting that possibility... she was in a dysregulated state at the time so forgot that I had given her the option to TRY to stabilize as a priority in life... more important than language learning and travel blogging..

    She really only focused on the "it's over" part.  ... so she was surprised that when she was in a more mindful state that I had given her the option to stay with me and travel together as planned...  she chose that route and we had a good talk about her "traits" .. she really wants to understand how to feel, be better.  I know that it is not advised to suggest the partner has "Bpd"... but I had already done that months ago... she was fascinated by it and read up on it and we talked about it... I think knowing that she is not alone in her situation was comforting to her.

  Her conscious mind knows that she is sometimes out of control with her thoughts and is really good at describing the feelings and chaos of her emotions and thoughts at those times, almost poetic.

  So I am not really so worried about if we need to split, I really do love her... and still have hope.  ...She has told me that when she is in a dark state of mind that me trying to reverse it by talking to her is "throwing oil on a fire". brilliant analogy.  Exactly as told by some here, "deprive the fire of oxygen"... this has really helped. 

   I am not concerned that she will damage my reputation in our new country... musicians are expected to have chaotic personal lives...  (joke) ... but really I want to retire a bit and focus on other art forms. ... as well as music but I don't need to work other than for personal satisfaction, she is (was ) also a performer so she is quite understanding.

  As to alcohol, that is a challenge as I like to drink a bit very moderate and controlled... so I will need to control her a bit... we have a history of that,  if she is "rationed" then she is ok... if she is in a dark place it can be problematic... what to to? ... I am hoping as she learns to trust me more and becomes less fearful of abandonment she will not drunkenly dysregulate... abuse me.
 This is a real concern.

   I know that without good professional help it is a very difficult path we are on (even with pro help).  there are some hopeful signs and I know that much depends on me not "feeding the fire" and being consistent and firm with her.   I know if there is progress it will be slow and there will be setbacks...  I will require the patience of a Buddha at times .. really "radical acceptance" as well as knowing what are real deal breakers.  ... she knows what they are too...  I will never stand for triangulation or infidelity ...in the year we have been together have seen no signs of that and have never done it myself.   ... So as of now we are back on track. 

[expatblue]

   yes, my spirit has suffered from this experience ..I feel like a zombie sometimes ... but I amaze myself with my resiliency ..I have a lot of life experiences, had to bounce back many times... my recovery times after her dramas are getting shorter ... and I am realizing it aint about me.  Example, last night she was about to cook dinner,  she said, "You are American"  I responded yes, yay !  She said "so you look down on Japanese, we are trash to you"  ...I just said no, that is not true.   I did not feel that topic could lead anywhere positive so that was it.   She was projecting her feeling on to me , she must feel that way at times... sad.  So much projecting...  I will at a much later date express my admiration for Japan.

  My son has met her and found her amusing, he was in a 5 year relationship with an NPD girl ... he knows things.   

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you both had a good discussion.  When she is in a "dark place," what have you found is the most effective way to interact with her?

RC

[expatblue]

  The most effective interaction seems to be to back off as much as possible... she will usually retreat to her room and lock the door. ... I sometimes knock on her door and try to engage, bring logic to the "conversation" ...well that just doesn't work.  I just need to let her be.  I do sometimes slip cute notes under her door and then do my own thing... she always keeps them... it really depends on her depth of triggering and where she is in her female cycle... PMS +BPD