Conflict prevention strategy needed please

[ProblemAddict]

Hi all

I did need her in past, when I was a lonely soul.
Floating from a disordered relationship to another, I had never found my ground.
Her extreme closeness was a band-aid for that old, child version of me.
The child that cried in the darkness of my heart, silently.
And through my road I made other children of my own.
As I was hoping to make them happy and fulfilled with love, and I did.

But not as much as a happy dad could do.
So it's time to save myself, to be a better provider.
And this is why I need you, to give me advice.
How can I be invisible for her ?

For now, I've got to be there.
Because I need to protect.
While there won't be anyone around to protect me.
And yet I must feel safe.

That old child in me has already been healed, I believe.
But the old man is rusting inside.
And I need my life back.


I have gone through a very long road over the last 20 years and read a few books, but this question remains unanswered. How can I prevent further conflict ?

It does help to be calm, brief, assertive, friendly and firm, but that has not been enough.

Thanks in advance for your input.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi ProblemAddict,

How can I prevent further conflict

there are conflicts in every relationship...you cant really have a conflict-free relationship, but you can lead the relationship on a healthy trajectory where conflict can be constructive, both sides can be heard and considered, and solutions can be found.

so whats going? what is the ongoing conflict in your relationship? we can help.

[ProblemAddict]

Hi once removed,

Thanks for replying, but I don't quite get your point. You know I'm talking about someone suffering from severe BPD right ?

Perhaps I should have asked for "borderline rage prevention" instead.

Being a good listener and empathizing with her while she is acting out will just keep her stuck and make it harder for her to let it go, perpetuating the drama. Not to mention that all of that blaming, drama and offenses makes me feel stressed. At times, it ruins my day. I can't ignore because she is a threat for me. When her rage reaches extremes, she creates a full range of problems for me.

Recently she has been splitting and "vomiting her emotions" at me every evening while I'm at work. She does it through whatsapp, which is the only form of contact that I do leave unblocked. Then I block that one too. A few hours later I unblock her and may give a BIFF response (Brief Informative Friendly and Firm), hopping it will help her to think more logically and grasp a bit of the reality. But more often than not she doesn't seem to need it anymore. Seems totally fine, as if nothing had happened.

She only seems to agree to engage in any type of friendly/collaborative dialog with me when she is needy of closeness. My way to make progress has been by withdrawing and waiting for her to enter the "pull" mode. Then we talk, or try, and may settle some things down, for a while.

What else can I do?

[once removed]

Recently she has been splitting and "vomiting her emotions" at me every evening while I'm at work.

about what? what is she saying? what is the problem as she sees it?

When her rage reaches extremes, she creates a full range of problems for me.

has she ever been violent?

[ProblemAddict]

Thanks for your reply.

about what? what is she saying? what is the problem as she sees it?

Different complaints and drama every day, always about her "needs", devaluation, victimization, rumination of the past, mocking of me and my family, provocation, threats, accusations, etc.. Why does it matter ?

She always feels inferior, unvalued, humiliated, used, transpassed, etc. And rages out uppon any statement that resembles some sort of criticism.

Do you actually think it is possible to handle BPD crisis by conversation ? Or thay it can be diminished by some kind of reorganization of family logistic ?

I dont. Whatever change in her favor may make her happier but only for a short period of time.

has she ever been violent?

Frequently. Last 2 days she hurt me twice. But that a very minor problem compared to the rest she does. What makes it hard is the fact that I have young kids with her and kids from previous relationhip and no money for propper separation.

Going through my family details will be tedious ans most likely a waste of our time. I just want to learn more about how to effectivelly prevent bpd rage on a daily basis.

[ProblemAddict]

Btw, my name is ProblemAddict because I am addicted to problem solving.

[Skip]

Why does it matter ?

She feels slighted and over-reacts You withdraw. She feels the emotional unavailability and reaches out.

It's a cycle.

The driver of the cycle is likely a reoccurring conflict that manifests in different ways, but traces back to a common "thread".

The tools you're are both using are defensive and make matters worse. Both of you feel justified in your reactions and are doing it out of self-protection.

That is why it matters.

It's important to dissect some specific cycles, trace to the root, look at possible constructive reactions to help rehabilitate the relationship. That may work (it will take strength and time). It may not work, at which point you have to irreconcilable differences.

Does that paint the problem is reasonable broad strokes?

This is a helpful (and sobering) background read. What stage is your relationship in (1,2,3,4)? Let's start there and the maybe disect the last conflict.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[ProblemAddict]

Hey thanks a lot for your help, Skip

I don’t want to restore the relationship. I just want her a safe environment.

You asked in what stage is my relationship. Hard to say. It’s like me being past stage 4 ( just tolerating it because of the kids ) and she still being in stage 1, perhaps. I see it that way because she keeps seeking for my attention and closeness, full time, while maintaining an illusion that we still are in a romantic relationship.

I always try to take care of her mental health. I do that by encouraging better nutrition, preparing the vitamins and minerals she needs, suggesting exercise and outgoing activities, etc. I do that just to make it safer to be around her, for me and the kids. But she takes it as signs of love. She won’t believe that my feelings for her are gone.  I may have loved her in past, but now there are only two things she represents to me: a threat, and the mother of my younger kids.

I understand the vicious cycle you describe. I had a hard time seeing her behaviour as self-protection. But It makes sense for someone who is still attached.

Should I then try to make her detach from me ? I have been trying that. I have even encouraged her to find someone else, but it would be hard as she is still breastfeeding our younger baby and I don’t think she would have the courage to do it any way. I have quit the bad habit of seeking for sex with her, which for me is just a physical need, but for her it represents romance and closeness. Perhaps I also have to quit hanging out with her and the kids?

[Skip]

She just had your baby and you told her to find someone else? This sounds like a very serious situation.

Can you give us some details? How long have you been married, how many kids, ages, etc. Do you have supportive family neatby? Does she?

Without knowing any details, there are a lot of conflicting needs; she has needs, kids have needs, you have needs... the situation is child raising intensive and very draining... and adding a relationship in collapse... yikes.

Tells us the story - the tangible parts, no so much your feelings about them.

[ProblemAddict]

Hi Skip

We have been together for more than 5 years. I already had two kods. I made thought giving her a kid would make it easier for her to feel part of the family, and it did, but brought me more problema because ahe uses the kid to gain power over me and living place, and does not allow me to hang together with all kids without her. Also, she got much worse during pregnancy and that made things deteriorate further.

During her first pregnancy I had already split ( she left) and then I started a new relationship. But by then I had very strong feelings for her yet, so I accepted her back. But when she begun p7lling my kid away from me, my affection for her came to a total end. Thats when I suggested her to find someone else. She sais she would try.

But I still had sex sometimes and then I made a 2nd kid with her my accident. I was already detached and almost suceeded in spliting but she is always on the opposition so she refused. So now she just sticks to my property. And I cant afford to change things now. I pay 3 private schools, pay child support for my ex wife, etc. Rasing 4 kids decently is a big cost in my country. Separation makes it even more expensive.

Worst thing is that she targets my older kid constantly. That may be part of narcissistic traits. Lots of other bad stuff happens, but you get the idea.

[once removed]

I just want her a safe environment.

the violence is probably the number one thing to address.

have you been in touch with domestic violence resources?

[ProblemAddict]

the violence is probably the number one thing to address.

have you been in touch with domestic violence resources?

In my country, domestic violence is only for women protection. Men don't get it, despite the bruises.

Perhaps justice could remove her from my residence. She would then move to her mother's house, which seems good. However, she would take our younger kids with her, which I don't like that much. But there isn't much I can do about it since I'm away on working hour and she still breastfeeds one of them.

Aside from that, perhaps the threats imposed by justice system could make her acquire “fear of consequences”. I know that won’t make her less impulsive, but may limit her violence. Currently she seems fearless. Yesterday she used an extension cord to spank me and bent my finger badly. I'm preparing myself to film that stuff with a hidden camera. However I'm not sure what to do with the evidence. Actually, my main goal is just to protect myself, getting ready for when proof is needed to refute her false/distorted accusations.

Currently I'm trying to use money and resources as means to "force" her to follow with whatever treatment that works for her mental health, such as taking Omega-3. That's why she assaulted me yesterday. She wanted me to unlock the internet router. Do you think my current approach may help on the long term ?