Friend of someone with BPD looking for advice

[HTK]

I think I fall into an odd category. I am a non-BP that is very happily married. My wife is very far from having BPD. I actually call her abnormally normal. My issue is with my best friend of about 16 years. She most definitely has BPD but does not realize or embrace it. We have never had a romantic relationship but I love her almost as much as my wife. My wife and friend are very opposite of each other and I love that. They appeal to me in different ways.

We worked together about three years ago and that is when our issues started. We went to consoling together. One counselor told me privately she thought my friend probably had BPD. I never heard of it at that point but I started reading up on it and it describes my friend almost exactly. Unfortunately, our relationship was a mess at the time and it affected work. I ended up firing her.

That ended our relationship for about a year. I knew she would come back, so I studied a lot in that time. She has been back in my life for a couple years now. Now that I know how to deal with her, it has been fantastic.

The problem is the other guys in her life. After I fired her, she moved in with her boyfriend that was trying to break up with her. She took a job with a guy that took a romantic interest in her. Both of those relationships became screaming matches. Her boyfriend (or somewhat ex boyfriend at that point) bought another house, probably to get away. But my friend remained in the house. At the same time she started dating another guy and that went bad. But they still got married in February. She also quit her job at that time. She kicked her husband out a couple months ago and now he is threatening divorce.

My friend always threatens suicide. She says she has tried a few times. I think she is dangerously close to actually doing it. I cannot blame her for feeling that way. She has no job. She is basically still in love with her ex boyfriend that is trying to evict her but has moments where he shows he cares. Her husband might be BPD and narcissistic. He would state how he loves her and is trying then flip into a jealous rage.

I was able to go from a fighting relationship to a great relationship with her. Yet other people keep driving my friend towards suicide. I want to get her to realize she has BPD, treat it and tell the people in her life what she has so they know how to deal with her.

My friend is an amazing person but she has these issues. She already to DBT and liked to. Problem is that she took it for PTSD, so I don't think it was effective. We looked into taking the course together but are finding that challenging.

Any suggestions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site!  I am glad you are reaching out here for support.

It is great that you were able to get to a better place with your friend.  What sort of things did you change that resulted in the improvement?

I was able to go from a fighting relationship to a great relationship with her. Yet other people keep driving my friend towards suicide. I want to get her to realize she has BPD, treat it and tell the people in her life what she has so they know how to deal with her.

My friend is an amazing person but she has these issues. She already to DBT and liked to. Problem is that she took it for PTSD, so I don't think it was effective. We looked into taking the course together but are finding that challenging.

This is quite the task.  Some people have been successful in talking to their pwBPD (person with BPD) about BPD and others not so much.  Which people in her life do you think are driving her to suicide?

DBT is an effective treatment for both PTSD and BPD as many of the behaviors and even thought patterns are quite similar.

I am moving this thread from the Help Desk to the Bettering a Relationship board as I think that is where you will get the best advise for interacting with and supporting your friend in addition to getting support for yourself.  Also, that is the board where we talk most about communication tools and strategies that may help you in your efforts to be heard by the other people in your friends life.

Again

[HTK]

Just understanding BPD was a big help. The book "Loving Someone with BPD" was also a big help. I realized that I was doing things that escalated the issue. This is what I do to help:

1) Don't fight back. When she goes on the attack, I just listen and don't take it personally. I know she loves me.
2) Validate her. Try to understand her issue and empathize with it.
3) Don't offer solutions to her problems when she is upset. Even if she asks, I must be careful and minimize it. She gets upset quickly when people offer her solutions.
4) Don't be judgmental or shame her.

Her husband is the biggest stress now that is driving her towards suicide. I told him how the above helped me yet he doesn't seem to apply it at all. He expressed that he is not just going to listen when she attacks him. Then he gets very jealous of her ex-boyfriend and almost anyone else that talks to her. My friend has a great personality and talks to everyone. A lot of people light up when she talks to them. Her husband does a lot of the "marking his turf" type things when she is talking to a guy. Then he turns it into a fight later.

He has even been getting jealous of me. My friend and I have a riot when we hang out with each other. Now he starts fights by say "You don't smile like that with me." Or he say things like "You and your friend probably have plans today."

Personally, I think she needs to get away from him. I think she saw him as a way out of her situation with her ex-boyfriend. Now she has found out that he lies often, is super jealous and self-centered. I have never seen the love between them but the bigger thing is that he doesn't seem to have the right stuff to work with her issue.

My friend is determined to kill herself than get divorced a second time. She has always told me her biggest fear is being alone for the rest of her life. Problem is that divorce is probably the best thing for her.