Breakup after my own insecurity

[bated]

Hi Everyone,

I am in a relationship with a borderline woman who recently broke up with me.  I will try to explain the circumstances.

We have been seeing each other on and off over the last two years and I helped her diagnose that her BPD and she has been attending therapy (DBT) for about 4 months.  I have noticed that the therapy has made a huge difference, and she has apologized for the hurtful things she has done to me in the past.  She has also got a lot better at managing her emotions.

We recently went out together and had a great time.  She invited me to stay over at hers and we talked almost all night.  At this point I must indicate that she takes sleeping pills to help her sleep and reduce her night terrors.  She took her sleeping tablet and then told me she wanted to tell me something.  It took her a while to get her words out but she told me that she truly loves me, but also told me that she does not feel worthy of me because she is not a good person.  I validated her feelings and told her that understood why she might think that, but that I could also see the good in her and the progress she had made.  It was honestly the most emotional night of my life and I woke up the next morning full of hope.  She was very loving and fell asleep in my arms

She did not wake up in a good mood and I did not bring up the conversation we had.  She was very cold towards me and distant which I have dealt with many times and does not bother me.  We spent the day together and she was receiving a lot of text messages which she said was from a friend.  I eventually challenged her on that and she exploded.  It turns out the messages were from her friend but my own insecurities had triggered me to challenge her.   I immediately apologized and told her that I understand why she was angry (she has had men try to control her in the past).  I admitted that it was my own insecurities and that I was wrong.  She then accused me of stealing her passwords and trying to spy on her which I have never done.  Again I tried to validate her concern and assure her that I had not ever tried to spy on her. I brought up the conversation we had in bed and she denied all knowledge of it and said that she was drugged.

I left her house after reassuring her that I care about her and that I am here for her.  She then texted me and told me that we were over and dropped off my stuff at my house.  I continued to validate her emotions as best as I was able and reassure that I care about her and that I am here for her.

She texted me asking for time which I am happy to give her.  My questions are:
How long should I wait?
Should I text her and tell her I care or I am thinking about her?
What is your read on the situation?

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[RomanticFool]

Hi bated,

Welcome to the boards. So sorry that you are struggling with your Relationship but rest assured you are in the right place. You will get some valuable advice here.

I’d like to congratulate you on the way you handled your girlfriend. The validation of her feelings is a very important part of dealing with BPD or BPD traits. It’s very difficult when you have been so close to your partner and then they do an emphatic U-turn the next day and pull the rug out form under your feet, leaving you dazed, confused and heartbroken.

The best thing you can do is give her the time she needs and let her work through her feelings. You may well find that she contacts you again as she has revealed she has feelings for you. It appears that you have triggered her fears around trust and by backing off you’ll give her the head space to work out her feelings for you and the time to miss you. Sometimes texting a pwBPD too much can frighten them off as they fear engulfment. If I was in your position I’d wait a week to hear from her and if you don’t then maybe you can drop her a text saying you miss her and are thinking of her.

RF

[bated]

Thank you RF.  That makes me feel a lot better.  It is so hard being in a relationship with someone with BPD but I truly do love and care about her.

[RomanticFool]

Have you broken up in the past in this way? How long does she normally take to thaw?

[bated]

She texted me an hour ago and acted like nothing had happened.  In the past it has varied from a few months to a week.

[bated]

Her texts started off friendly but she has been making some hurtful comments about my weight.  She also insists that we are just friends and that there will be no sex.  She has asked to stop telling her that I love her as she feels pressured.

This is when I start to struggle as I never know how to handle her when she is like this.  I don't take it personally but it always makes things feel awkward and uncomfortable until she softens towards me.

Advice much appreciated as I really do care about her?

[RomanticFool]

This sounds so familiar to me bated. My ex would regularly block me on WhatsApp and then come back two weeks later with a breezy ‘How are you?’ She also went off sex pretty quickly after being very into it with me. I think her shame kicked in because I was married and she got it into her head that I was using her for sex, despite my reassurances that I hadn’t slept with my wife in 10 years and that I was going to leave my marriage, which I am now in the process of doing.

It illustrates to me that perhaps a r/s with a woman who has issues in this realm (I refer to it as BPDish behaviour but  I no longer like the BPD label) is always going to be fraught at times whatever the circumstances. What I would say to you is that you seem to be much better at dealing with your gf than I was with mine. The validation skills that you are using are very important in keeping your r/s on the healthier side. She is going to behave as her pathology dictates, you cannot change her but what you can do is keep the drama and chaos down by not being over reactive and being as understanding and validating to her as possible. I would also set a few boundaries with regard to the break up /make up cycle and let her know that there is a consequence to finishing with you in this manner. In my case the last time my ex came back after blocking me for two weeks, I didn’t re-engage with her as if nothing had happened. She wanted to come and see me in a show I am doing and she berated me for not getting her a ticket. I said that since she had ended the r/s she couldn’t expect me to get her a ticket. A stream of abuse followed. Later I suggested going to the cinema in a reconciliation attempt which she agreed to on the grounds that we go as friends. I told her that since we had been on holiday just a few weeks ago that I considered us more than friends. More abuse followed and the r/s is now over. However, I don’t want to keep allowing her to break up and then pick me up again whenever it suits. I also had to look at my emotional dependency on her which was driving my need to constantly keep going back. I have to be stronger in myself and authentic. Then there was the sexual addiction to her...watch out for that, it’s powerful stuff, my friend.

[bated]

I struggle with setting a boundary when it comes to breakups:  I want to be there for her as I know it is her BPD so not sure what boundary to set?

[Stillhopeful4]

She has asked to stop telling her that I love her as she feels pressured.

Hi Bated,

I can relate.  My unBPDw moved out last weekend and she has also asked me to stop telling her I love her and texting her.  Things started on a major downward spiral in June and she had been looking for a place ever since.  So for the 10 weeks while she was still home I would tell her I loved her.  She told me to stop telling her because she felt it was a lie and didn't believe me.  I think it was more than that.  I think it was the fact she was already gone emotionally and didn't want to feel guilty that I was trying so hard.

I hope things get better for you.

SH4

[bated]

I will keep adding updates to this chain in the hope that it helps others going through something similar.

So the text conversation continues today.  I notice that she is a lot more cold over text message and always much warmer in person - has anyone else noticed this in a girlfriend with BP?

She was distant over text and I tried to validate by saying that I understood that she was guarded because of being worried about being hurt and abandoned.  Her response was simple:  I am fine - I don't have an issue.  I am not ready to be your girlfriend or have you feel jealous.  She said I could not handle just being friends.

She insisted that I need to go for a class with a well known TV host as this would be good for me.  I think this is some kind of projection.

I was also informed that she is dating again.  I have been here before and she normally gives up after a while and tells me that we are exclusive again.  I think this is a way of trying to hurt me or evoke jealousy.  In the past it used to bother me, but having been through it before I see through her motivations.

She then wanted me to send a picture of us together so she could see how tall I was.  She insisted that I was much shorter than a friend of hers and that I am definitely not as tall as I say I am.  He is taller than me and I have never said he is not but she insisted that I was a lot shorter than what I told her I was. She asked to see a full body pic which I sent to her (I had shorts on not anything sexual I hasten to add) - I have never sent a pic like this to anyone else as I have always had a bad self body image as I am a little overweight.  I felt like I was being incredibly vulnerable and I mentioned this to her.  She used it against me and told me to never send a picture like that even though she had asked for it.  Her comment was:  "That is not a full body pic, that was a bad idea"

She then said: "You are very much always vulnerable.  I think you don't understand why woman run away from you and friend zone you".  This coming from a woman who on Saturday night had told me that she loved that I was so vulnerable and did not feel worthy of my love.  She told me how she had said hurtful things which she knew would hurt me and was ashamed of them.  I validated all of this and explained that I understood why she might feel that way but that I knew it was a way of protecting herself from getting hurt.

I tried to validate that she was not comfortable being vulnerable as in her world it was a sign of weakness. She had told me this previously that as I child she could not show any weakness due to horrific sexual abuse and ultimately abandonment by her parents.

Her response to this was: "You put many assumptions on me and my relationships"

After a bit of radio silence from her she has finally opened up a little. She admitted that she had ended good relationships because of her, and not because of bad men.  She says she cannot force feelings for me and is put off by my actions (I assume she is referring to me challenging her about who was texting her).  This contradicts what she said on Saturday night where she declared that she loved me with all her heart and had always loved me.

I am honestly upbeat by this exchange as I feel she is slowly opening up again.

There have been so few people in her life that have been kind to her and I want to show her that kind and caring people do exist.  I care about her so much and want to see her get better even if she does not want to be with me.

One question I have is on medication - has anyone ever seen a pwBPD open up and be vulnerable when they are on a particular medication?  She seems to lose her emotional inhibitions when she takes her sleep medication.

[ColdKnight]

Ahhh the big question: to be vulnerable or not. It takes a lot to be vulnerable in a NORMAL relationship. It takes superhuman strength to be vulnerable in a BPD relationship. I told my BPD gf “I am here for you, my armor is off, my heart is open, if I get hurt so be it, you are worth it”

She ignored me and ultimately a few months down the road she said she had met someone new.

If I had to do it all over again I would not show any vulnerability. I really think that deep down they despise it. “You are very much always vulnerable. I think you don’t understand why women run away from you and friend zone you” That sentence she said right there speaks volumes.

99% of the advice here is work on yourself first. I used to hate hearing that. It seemed like the standard cop out but now I agree with this caveat: Work on your self respect first.  If you don’t have respect for yourself then neither will they and no one can love someone they don’t respect.

BPD or otherwise there is no excuse to allow someone to treat you like sh**.

That is just my opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

[bated]

99% of the advice here is work on yourself first. I used to hate hearing that. It seemed like the standard cop out but now I agree with this caveat: Work on your self respect first.  If you don’t have respect for yourself then neither will they and no one can love someone they don’t respect.

Thank you CK.  This is the 3rd major break up and I found it really hard the first time but the second, and now third is a lot easier.  I always try to focus on myself after a break up and have been listening to relevant chapters in the stop walking on eggshells audiobook.  I always find that this makes me feel a lot better about myself.

Just a quick update - she texted me last night telling me that she is not broken and simply does not feel the same way that I do.  I suspect that there is some truth in that as she is perhaps feeling a little engulfed.  I took the advice on another thread in this forum and told her I am going to do my own thing but I am here if she wants to talk.

[ColdKnight]

That is good advice. Chasing never works and only pushes them farther away in my opinion.

[bated]

So a quick update.

Not even been 24 hours and she has been in contact.  Validation really does work as this has been the first time I have tried it, and this is by far the shortest no contact I have experienced.  I also made sure to tell her that I care and was here if she wanted to talk.  The only thing I would change next time is not overstate that I care and I am here when she wants to talk.

I can tell that she is on her way back because I have done this dance before.  It always starts off with her listing what she wants and how I don't measure up to that.  I think it is a type of projection and a way for her to save a bit of face, but I don't mind as I know this is a result of BPD.

• She is tired of being the man
• She wants marriage and a partner and someone who can provide
• She says that I have issues which I need to sort out with my therapist
• Brings up that an ex has been in contact

My key learnings for anyone else who is relatively new to this:

• Listen and resist the urge to disagree or argue.  I know that all the books say this but it really does help.
• Ask questions when you dont understand or are not sure
• Radical acceptance works.  When she brought up her ex I did not react but simply listened and asked appropriate questions and validated what she said.  She told me that he had been mean to her and that she had blocked him
• Don't overdue the "I care about you and I am here for you" as this can be a bit needy.  Be firm and make sure she understands but then let her comeback.
• I have not worried as much about the breakup.  Listening to audiobooks on BPD really helped with that.

Obviously it is still too early to say for sure where I stand, but the signs are certainly similar to when she has comeback in the past.

I hope that this is helpful to anyone else who is going through something similar.

[bated]

Amazed - she has apologized for her behavior which is a first without support from her therapist!  Following the advice on this site does work for anyone who questioning it.  I am under no illusion that I am not choosing the easy road and that this is probably going to happen more in the future, but the most important thing is that I see huge progress.

[bated]

And just when you think you are winning, they react negatively.  Text exchange this morning was cold and I suspect she is back on the dating apps.

Oh well move on with my life.

[ColdKnight]

Ahhhh man.

What happened? How did it go down?

[bated]

I had suggested before all this happened that we go on a vacation together which she had been excited about.    She informed me today that she would not go on holiday as she did not have feelings for me sexually and said that I flipped out after staying over at hers last Saturday.  I hasten to add that I am always the perfect gentleman and although we slept in the same bed I did not make any advance towards her.

What she fails to mention is what she had told me that night while we will lay and talked.  She told me that I was the nicest person and that she loved me.  That she felt unworthy of my love and that she was a bad person (as I mentioned in my first post).  She denies this conversation happened and said that if she did say it, it was her medication speaking, and not her.

I think her outpouring of emotion is what is at the crux of this in that she is feeling vulnerable and is shutting down to protect herself.

I really would appreciate any insight or thoughts from others on this?

Also, any suggestions on how best to broach this subject with her?

[ColdKnight]

Sorry to hear that brother,

In your “quick update” post you said that the only thing you would change next time is that you would not overstate you care and that you are here when she needs to talk.

Does that no longer apply?

[bated]

Does that no longer apply?

It absolutely applies and I continue to love and care about her deeply.  My view is they need to know that you are there for them but let them come to you.

[ColdKnight]

Then you have your answer

[bated]

Thank you CK. Sometimes you have the answer but you don't know it.

[RomanticFool]

You're on the right lines bated. My ex went from wanting sex every day with me to saying that I was using her for sex. I believe in pwBPD shame kicks in and they shut down their sexuality when conflicted. The best thing you can do is give her space and let her come to you.

[Harri]

This thread reached the maximum post limit and has been split and locked.  The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339393.msg13075156#msg13075156

Thank you.