I am not the first in my uBPD Hs life

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As many of you know, my uBPD H is covertly incested with his adult children.  He was covertly incested with them when we married, when they were all under the age of five, and this has not changed as they are all now around 30.  My life has been a living H*ll since shortly after we married.  Within a year, the BPD manifestations (rage, threats, name calling, cognitive distortions, etc.) reared their heads.  (Bill Eddy states BPDs will show their true colours within a few months of marriage.)

H and I are nearing retirement, and we were discussing finances.  I have inherited a small family business that is held in trust and is my sole income (I quit my "9-5 job" a few years ago), and H is a military retiree and on his second career.  He has no trust income or inheritance and, in fact, is the cash cow for his adult children (who emotionally abuse him and neglect him) and his elderly NPD F, who regularly comes begging to his S for money. All his his children are in the BPD and NPD spectrum with promiscuity, suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, rageful outbursts and unstable family relationships.

I was musing aloud about my family business and what I will do with the assets when I die, and H immediately turned into a rage and told me he was leaving all of his income and assets to his children--his retirement, his earnings and savings.  We own our home together jointly.  In my state, my H's income is community property since marriage as he did not inherit anything from his ignorant NPD F and enabler M, and his retirement and social security can be considered as divisible income.   (Inheritance is not community property.)  I have a meeting with an attorney in the next few weeks as I want to fully know where I stand in the event my H totally devalues me and files for the divorce he has threatened me with for the last ten years or so.

So my H has split me again:  good children, bad wife.  If H is so unbalanced as to start sending all of his earnings to his children--which is community property--I need to know my rights.  A forensic attorney can help with this.  

I need to empower myself.  Knowledge is power.

 

[AskingWhy]

As many of you know, my uBPD H is covertly incested with his adult children.  He was covertly incested with them when we married, when they were all under the age of five, and this has not changed as they are all now around 30.  My life has been a living H*ll since shortly after we married.  Within a year, the BPD manifestations (rage, threats, name calling, cognitive distortions, etc.) reared their heads.  (Bill Eddy states BPDs will show their true colours within a few months of marriage.)

H and I are nearing retirement, and we were discussing finances.  I have inherited a small family business that is held in trust and is my sole income (I quit my "9-5 job" a few years ago), and H is a military retiree and on his second career.  He has no trust income or inheritance and, in fact, is the cash cow for his adult children (who emotionally abuse him and neglect him) and his elderly NPD F, who regularly comes begging to his S for money. All his his children are in the BPD and NPD spectrum with promiscuity, suicide attempts, drug/alcohol abuse, rageful outbursts and unstable family relationships.

I was musing aloud about my family business and what I will do with the assets when I die, and H immediately turned into a rage and told me he was leaving all of his income and assets to his children--his retirement, his earnings and savings.  We own our home together jointly.  In my state, my H's income is community property since marriage as he did not inherit anything from his ignorant NPD F and enabler M, and his retirement and social security can be considered as divisible income.   (Inheritance is not community property.)  I have a meeting with an attorney in the next few weeks as I want to fully know where I stand in the event my H totally devalues me and files for the divorce he has threatened me with for the last ten years or so.

So my H has split me again:  good children, bad wife.  If H is so unbalanced as to start sending all of his earnings to his children--which is community property--I need to know my rights.  A forensic attorney can help with this.  

I need to empower myself.  Knowledge is power.

 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

If you have a long-term marriage, I believe 10 years, social security automatically goes to the surviving spouse (even if divorced).  It’s NOT a choice.  I do not believe an ex-spouse can designate an adult child as a “beneficiary” of survivor benefits under social security.  My exH tried to pull that stunt and I laughed at him.  It may be the same for military retirement, but I don’t know.

When you were discussing your inherited business and what you planned to do with those assets/income, what did you tell your H?  Was there something you said that may have set him to rage and split you?

The last time you posted, I believe you were in his good graces and he was upset that his kids had forgotten or ignored his birthday.

What has happened between then and now?

Each time you post, you seem deeply unhappy in your marriage and very angry.  You stated that you no longer love him.  What is keeping you in the relationship?  Why are you putting yourself through this?  Are you using the communication tools available here to try and improve this relationship?

AW, you deserve to be happy.  I understand that these relationships can really erode the very fiber of our being.   I know my marriage did.  I finally did therapy and addressed the root causes of my depression.  Very deep pain... lots of anxiety.  And it’s gone now and I am happy in my relationship with my uBPDbf.

How can you help yourself, whether in or out of this marriage?

You do NOT have to feel like this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

Gems, thank you for the reply.  

I am setting up a legal consult to see where I stand in my state.  Just doing this is giving me a feeling of empowerment.  

A week after H was fuming about his children forgetting about his birthday, H went back to idealising them and devaluing me.  No surprise there.  H was in a deep depression on how his Ds screamed at him on the phone as to why they could not get a card in the mail due to their very busy lives.  (One D has small children, the other just did not make it a priority; the son still has not been heard from as he is drug addicted, and alcoholic and homeless.)

At the end of the month, H will visit his D and grandchildren, so I will be forgotten for that period of time until he comes home and starts emotionally abusing me again.

The legal consult will cheer me up as it will further convince me that I have choices in the R/S.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

I don’t believe social security income benefits are driven by state laws, it’s federal.  I’m guessing military retirement is likely the same.  And I’m sure you’ll feel much better once you hear that from an authority on these matters.

When is your appointment scheduled?  You definitely deserve to feel some peace around this issue after what you’ve endured all these years.  You can take this knowledge and make your plan. 

I’m hoping your plan is not to weaponize this knowledge in fights with your H.  You don’t need to live in a war zone.

AW, I do understand that after all of the abuse, you may just be too over the line to use validation or other tools with your H when he’s feeling bereft at being ignored by his kids on his birthday.  Beside that, I’m sure there’s worry inside your H (AND a sense of some unspoken responsibility) for the problems his son has.  How do you handle that in conversation with you H? 

Are you tapped out on emotional support for your H?

Do you just want OUT? 

While your H visits his D at the end of the month (2 weeks, right?), perhaps you can take this space to “recharge” your emotional batteries, and consider if you want to work “on” your relationship?

Or... with the knowledge you may have by then, work on your exit plan?

Living like this AW, is simply NOT good for your health.

I’ve said this before... I really don’t believe you have to feel like this.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

Gems, thank you for the supportive note.

Laws on military retirement, especially disability pay, vary from state to state and partner's rights vary.  Not all retirement is community property.

I am looking forward to the talking to the attorney soon.  I don't plan to weaponise what I know; I want to keep it under my hat until I need to use that information.  It's bad to reveal one's hand.

Add to this, my brother and his son (enmeshed and lives at home, ago 30) are alcoholics and this is on my mind.  They stay at home, drink together and play video games like young college men.  B is my only sibling.

I plan to keep my eyes and options open, and knowledge is power.  I have learned to self care on health issues as I know stress is bad for health.

[GaGrl]

Social Security guidelines for a divorced spouse (married at least 10 years) can draw 50% of the amount the former spouse is receiving. This does not reduce the amount of the former spouse's SSA. However, if you were to claim SSA on your own earnings from your years of contributions, your own full amount might be more than 50% of his SSA. You can't receive both, so SSA will provide info for you to see which option is more. My husband's ex draws 50% of his benefit. This applies ONLY to former spouse's with marriages of at least 10 years -- it is federal law and cannot be "signed away" like a life insurance beneficiary of IRA or 401k. All you need is your ex-spouses's SS number and proof of the marriage and divorce. He doesn't need to do anything.

Federal military pension guidelines are similar. A former spouse  of a military retiree is entitled to a percentage of the retiree's military pension. I believe that this does reduce the retiree's pension amount, so your son house won't like this. I don't know how this is handled in various states -- it might be part of overall property settlement negotiations ( "I won't claim 50% of your military pension if you sign over your half of the house to me." ). However, it is a federal guideline that the former spouse is entitled. My DH's total "points" for active and reserve duty over 30 years did not qualify him for the minimum required for a military pension, so the Ex got nothing for that.

Life insurance, IRA and 401k (and some other types of personal retirement accounts) require that a primary and secondary beneficiary be named. There can be multiple beneficiaries. I don't know how states handle divorce guidelines on these -- my ex and I agreed to maintain a life insurance policy with our son as beneficiary. Retirement accounts can be ordered to be split, and there is a process for moving funds out of one account into the other spouse's account, so that no taxes are paid.

You may want to list all major assets and just go down the list and get info and options on each one from your lawyer consultation. You'll be in so much better a position to make decisions after that.

From all I've read about your situation, you can't depend on him to care for you as you move into retirement. He has shown no ability to care for your physical or emotional needs during your marriage -- it probably will not improve as you transition to full retirement with him.

I also don't think he will adjust to full retirement well, and you will bear the brunt of that. Is it worth it? Is that the retirement you imagined?

Knowing your financial options now helps with the path forward.

[Red5]

Federal military pension guidelines are similar. A former spouse  of a military retiree is entitled to a percentage of the retiree's military pension. I believe that this does reduce the retiree's pension amount, so your son house won't like this. I don't know how this is handled in various states -- it might be part of overall property settlement negotiations ( "I won't claim 50% of your military pension if you sign over your half of the house to me." ). However, it is a federal guideline that the former spouse is entitled. My DH's total "points" for active and reserve duty over 30 years did not qualify him for the minimum required for a military pension, so the Ex got nothing for that.

Military pensions… you get 50% of your paygrade (taxes) after serving 20 years active duty, full time reservist same… Navy "TAR's"… USMC "FTS/AR's"… Army active reservists & Guardsmen, Air National Guard… etc' etc' etc'…

So for the "ex" to get her half of the "50%"… she will have to have been married to you (solid) for ten of those 20 years… ACTIVE service : )

So, me… I did 26 years in the Marines (OOH RAH!)… so you get a percentage of 50% (additionally )for each year served past - & beyond the 20 year mark… all the way out to 30 years and beyond… think the Commandant and the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps : )

So as a Master Sergeant, at 26 years, I got about 70' ish percent of my base pay at retirement, for retirement (taxes)…

Not bad for an old knuckle-dragger like me  … and for life too!

Now, my ex, she pulled her ejection handle at just shy of the 21 year mark… but she abandoned the kids and me… she walked away… the kids, they were all teenagers by then,. and they all three "wanted to live with dad"… so we got shared custody, with me being the "primary residence"…

The (s2b) ex says to me… "I don't want to pay you child support, so I promise not to come after your retirement"… "I said ok hun", "promise huh"… lets get that in the divorce paperwork (decree), Mrs. Sandra'… my lawyer ensured it was so… and when the divorce was final (Florida)… and old Judge "Slaughter" (real name)… hit his gavel, and the paperwork was filed, with his 'seal' on the top page… well that was it!

My ex, don't get zip, nadda… of Red5's retirement, she "signed it all away" as a matter of temporary convenience… wow… its a done deal now, she signed it all away, so she "wouldn't have to pay ME child support"… wow : (

She is on some kind of SSI now, and she will be able to draw from my social security (time served), when she is eligible to, and that's fine and dandy with me…

And… as we were married for 21 years, and I was a Jar-Head the whole time… she retains her military dependents ID card, commissary & exchange (close by?)… she can, if she wants to, also buy into my Tricare… I don't know if she ever did that?… none of by business, and not my purview.

Now my current wife, she was married to her Soldier first husband for 20 years, so she got 50%, of his 50% Staff Sergeant E6 retirement pay… after they divorced… but she was shy about three months of the 20 year requirement to retain retired dependent status ID card (DEERS-RAPIDS system)…

Now, even after we got married back in oh' eleven… she still rated her 50% of her ex husbands E6 pay at 20yrs - 50%, even though she remarried.

And he (her exH) was surprised to learn this… and I told her, why don't you just let the poor man have that couple hundred "Benjamins" there… you got me now… we both work (back then), I'm retired and working, we got more than enough… and he seems to be down on his luck now… whay don't you just let him have it now…

Nope, she wouldn't do it… she said "I earned that, its mine"… so I said, "I don't want that $$ supporting this household, will you please put that somewhere else ok"… "that's when the fight started"… hmmm : (

Her ex passed away back in oh' sixteen… lung cancer, so when the service member retired leaves this world, all that 50% of the 50% stops immediately!

And wouldn't you know it, DFAS messed it up, and kept on paying her… her 50% of her ex's 50%!

… … they would send her letters, saying that she owed them $$, so that was never ending bpd supply… went on for over a year… she called our Congressman, and even sent a letter to the White House...1600 Pennsylvania Ave!

It was finally resolved, and she was "free and clear" : )

She never stopped complaining about how the US Army did not allow her to keep her dependents ID card, Ft. Rucker Alabama… because she came up about three months short on that 20 year requirement back in oh' four... when her and H#1 got divorced… she would go on and on about that… MEANWHILE… in her pretty little leather purse… what do you suppose was in her wallet?

Take a guess…

Well, it was (and still is) a dependent ID card, and on the front it said, Mrs. Red5, full exchange and commissary privileges, dependent spouse of a certain Master Sergeant USMC (Ret.) Red5 !

… since we got married before I retired, she retains all privileges via my dd-214… even though we were only married a few months prior to be bailing out… so come on now, why is it still such an "issue" what happen to her back in oh' four !

You see… she has me now  … even still, even though we're separated… but she still chooses to "ruminate" about how she was 'victimized' over fifteen years ago now… we've been together for twelve year… and eight of the twelve these years, we have been married,

I dunno… & gee wiz,

I don't know why I have written all this … guess to say, yes,

AskingWhy will be apportioned her fare share under the state and federal laws, if a divorce takes place… 20 years time served… and I think they call it "marital assets"… "mutual distribution"… and also in conjunction with a divorce decree… what for & there in forthwith : )

I am pretty sure AW will also be able to draw her husbands social security as well, when that time comes… due to the longevity of the marriage...

Yeah, only ten years of the 20 served… till you "walk the bullets" and retire… and the wife/spouse rates 50% of the 50%… should she want it, that's the law.

Red5