I like the thought, yet a letter this long seems a bit "preachy".  (not really the happiest with the preachy word...but struggling to find a better one)

I think you can say the same thing in about 1 paragraph...2 at the most.

Will you accept the FF challenge to start chopping it down.

Best,

FF

I "may" be for it...if it is a succinct message.

I would be curious to understand what your T thought would be accomplished by sending that.  Does your T have an opinion on more or less words? 

Note:  My natural writing state is very much like yours.  I want to cover all the points, angles and possibilities. 

That's great for thinking things through and assembling issues, yet when I look at your letter I'm not sure what your number 1 point is. 

1 thing..1 message..pick it and craft something around that.

How many people are we talking about?  Would they all be on the "to" line of an email?


Best,

FF

Hey Enabler, Your T knows you best, but I vote for putting the letter on the back burner and reaching out to your friends directly for a one-on-one conversation, if you are so inclined.  It's doubtful to me that your letter will have the impact you seek.  Some things are better handled in a conversation than in a letter, in my view.

LuckyJim

Cross post with LJ...

What he said...

Best,

FF

The divorce is not discussed in this chat. Divorce is typically discussed in side chats with individuals or a few of them... apart from one time on holiday where they all just told me to leave and 'move on' and that they just wanted me to 'be happy'.

I guess this is an attempt to jolt people into thinking about what they are doing. Remind people that this is serious and not something I want them to be doing my bidding on the side for. I seriously mean that I will pull myself out the group for as long as it takes.

Our group has a long history of staying friends with people's ex girlfriends regardless of what went on. I need to know my friends are trustworthy and not acting as flying monkeys... I do not need flying monkeys.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic to expect my friends of over 25yrs to not go behind my back, not even giving me a head up that they’re doing it. Are these really friends? I’m not so sure it’s what I want from friends.

Coming in late here...My initial reaction was the same as FF and Cat. It is far too long, and I would describe it as controls ng.

I think the message can be sent in, at most, two short paragraphs. Let go of what might have taken place already ( I doubt anyone is going to jump to confess) and just ask for what you need under the current circumstances -- support without sharing confidential information that could make the settlement process more difficult than it needs to be.

Is that goal accurate?

I have no reliable information, but then I have no reliable information in my life at the moment and I’m constantly playing detective to guess what’s about to hot me in the chops next. Some things I’ve been right about, a few things I’ve found different evidence later down the line that has changed my conclusions about what did happen. I’ve learnt not to react to things and just soak in additional data.

I suspected some of them were speaking to her around a year ago, up till that point I’d not even considered they would and hence felt comfortable sharing my thoughts with them. After that point quite a few bits of puzzle fell into place that suggested they knew things they shouldn’t know as d not told them and there were no direct links for he said she said. None of them seem to ask me what’s going on yet all of them seem to know. I had vague conversations with a few of them and they kinda just brushed it off as “they’re just trying to help” or “they just gave her generic advice” or even denied it completely. However I’ve never actually said loud and clear, “guys, I think it’s only fair that you tell me on a super high level that there might be conflicts of interests so that I can take myself out the equation.”

It’s not the divorce settlement I’m concerned about although actually they were utterly clueless about the process when I discussed it with them (I’m the first one in the group to go through this). What I find most dangerous is that they are recruited or perceived  as reliable fonts of knowledge about how I think, what my motivations are for my actions and what my ultimate end game intentions are. I don’t want to do this in a wishy washy way but then again I don’t want to specifically point out an individual since I don’t have proof beyond reasonable doubt that these individuals are meddling.

They’ve made it very clear that they don’t believe in personality disorders nor frankly have any desire to bother to complicate the matter further than “she doesn’t love him any more”...” jog on and get over it,  let’s have a beer, stop spoiling the banter whilst I’m trying to have fun.” I think most of them want it done with as it’s like a fungus in the group they want cut out so they can get back to ‘normality’. Like group family events don’t happen much anymore or at least none that I get invited to since I guess no one wants to organise something and not invite me yet their wives don’t want me to come because they think I’m “abusive” or maybe believe that I’m obstructive in the divorce process... or that I should have just left like a good boy and done what W told me to do. This coupled with the sense that my W is exhausting more local sources of pity and validation of her victimhood, her tentacles are having to reach that little bit deeper into the proverbial barrel or quality sources of “am i okay?”

I don’t want this to be glossed over as things typically are in our group.

I dunno... despondent siiiiigh

100% nailed it

3rd concern is that she will get them to encourage me to do the things that she wants (and they want) e.g. leave the family home and do her dirty work re divorce. If any of them tried that conversation it would be a 'drop the mike and walk out' moment.

Thanks for clarifying FF, top work

Hey E, I'm not talking about what may have already transpired in terms of friends going behind your back, which I agree is a cr#ppy thing to do.  I'm talking about your expectations concerning the impact of your proposed letter in terms of "jolting" your so-called friends.  It's the kind of thing that, in my view, is better handled in person.

You may find out, as I did when I separated from my BPDxW, that some people are not really your friends.  It's a winnowing process.

LJ

Hey LJ,

Yeah, that's kinda the conclusion I've come to re winnowing... and I'd kinda rather do that process sooner rather than later. My suspicion is that anyone who is going behind my back will take offence, and anyone who isn't will breeze over it and think "he's been a bit too serious there, but hey ho, it's nothing to do with me... who on earth out of us lot would do that?"

Enabler

What do you know and can prove?

What do you suspect and why? 

Be strict with yourself when answering.

I've got two big thoughts.

From professional and "personal" investigations I've done, I will assure you that if you go looking for trouble, you will find it.  (unlikely to find the trouble you think your will find)


Perhaps consider the trouble you will "cause" as well.  100% of the investigations I have done have "take a toll" or "had a cost".  In retrospect, sometimes the cost is higher than the "results".

Do you have enough trouble in your life right now?

2nd thought.

The most effecting and telling things I've ever discovered came to me not because I "investigated" but came because I was vigilant and "had my light on" when things came across my path.  Again..applies to personal and professional.

Much much less energy expended in case number 2 AND I learned much much more.

Best,

FF

Honestly - it's none of their business. This smacks of them thinking they know better, trying to put themselves in a superior position over you - how on earth do you need to justify or be in any position where you need to satisfy them in any of this, regardless of how passive/subtle it is? You don't owe them anything, you don't have to explain yourself to them, and they definitely shouldn't get to have a say in how you proceed this divorce or how you come out of it.

Gotta say, if the above interpretation is correct, I really think the answer is boundaries and distance. If it leads to 25 year relationships ending, maybe that's a good thing? Me personally, when I went through this, I realized the same life tendencies in me that had me getting into BPD relationships also had me getting into friendships with people that weren't that great as well. I realized a lot of them were the friend versions of my nowXW and carried the same BS in them in a lot of ways.

Broken attracts broken. When you heal and grow, the broken you'd been attracted to, had been attracted to you, goes away, opening up new room in your life for new and better relationships overall. Don't be afraid of the change, it's for the best once you get through it.

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